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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit put out by wedding invite

108 replies

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 23/07/2014 13:01

Part of me understands it's up to the bride and groom who they invite, but the other bit of me is so annoyed by this...

DH friend invites me and DH to his wedding, but not our two children aged 12 weeks and 4 years. Fine, I tell DH I can't go because a) we have no childcare or people to palm kids off on, besides DS is breastfed, and b) I don't want to take baby and abandon DD on someone and her feel left out. Thought I would've the adult and tell him to go alone. This was weeks back, it's the wedding weekend coming up and it turns out that it's not a child free wedding at all, and other mates of DHs are taking their kids along as apparently they said to the couple if the kids can't come neither can we - I would never be so rude!!

Anyway, DH has worked the last three weekends, I'm knackered and here comes another weekend on my own with two kids, in sapping heat, and it might be my emotions boiling over but it feels so unfair...

WIBU to expect a massive treat from DH for putting up with this kind of inequality?!

OP posts:
Lesleythegiraffe · 23/07/2014 13:47

Why can't people appreciate that it's the bride and groom's day and it's up to them who they invite.

If people get huffy/precious/offended, get over it.

Original poster
iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 23/07/2014 13:54

Have no issue with the wedding parties wishes

Have issue with my too nice husband (but really I'm glad he's not a cheeky fecker), not standing up for his kids and having the all or nothing convo as well - but as I said I wouldn't want him any other way

OP posts:
LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 23/07/2014 14:09

I don't get it. They invited you as a couple. You could have said no at that point. It would be the bride and groom's decision what to do next. What other people have done regarding their acceptance of invitations is up to them. If they said no and then the invite was extended to their kids that's the bride and groom's decision. You could have done the same -turned down the Ivite giving your perperfectly vaild reason but you chose not to. I'm not getting why you feel hard done by here as the choice was yours to make.

on the other hand, 4 weekends alone with kids is very tough if you DH hasn't had days off in lieu. I totally get that you feel hard done by that he gets to hsve the jolly time while you get the hard work. I think it would be fair to have some time to yourself if he wasn't expecting to work 4 weeks solid with no days off when he accepted the invitation.

deepest · 23/07/2014 14:10

OP -- your last post doesn't add up.

If you have no issue with what the wedding party wishes --- then why would you want you dh to piss off the wedding party and have the all or nothing conversation?

Do you really want to go? If you did you would find away around it.

Book all 4 of you into the hotel and watch the kids on a rota....rope in some of your family who are at the wedding -- or ask the hotel or the B&G to recommend a babysitter who could look after the children in the hotel and you can pop up to room, out to garden to see them every 2 hrs to feed....then

after the meal (the bit that costs) if there are other kids skidding about your can join in and would not even be noticed...simple

....or politely decline (or if you have done so already) write a congrats card from you to say really sorry cant be there to celebrate with you but am feeding etc and will be thinking of you all day....you might get a call to say - bring them along now that the boundaries have changed.

GemmaWella81 · 23/07/2014 14:31

I bet the bride would just LOVE your company now....

YABU, nasty, and entitled...

diddl · 23/07/2014 15:06

I don't think he was wrong not to ask initially, but once he'd heard that others were taking kids he maybe could have asked?

As for the all or nothing convo-I don't agree with that either, just decline the invitation if it doesn't suit!

NotYouNaanBread · 23/07/2014 15:13

He's a bit of a sap for not telling his mate that the reason you're not going is because of the newborn baby and small child, which would (presumably) have resulting in an "Oh, it's fine - bring them too - they're more than welcome!" as that's obv. what the other parents got.

On the other hand, he doesn't owe you anything because of the wedding specifically, although if he knew this was coming up, he's pushing it a bit by ditching you three weekends in a row coming up to it. So yes, you need to make sure he knows that you need a serious break next weekend and that you plan to lie flat on your back in the garden for two solid days, occasionally lifting one side of your bikini for your DH to attach a hungry baby, before taking said baby away again without asking you any stupid questions like "where are the wipes".

Rumandcokeplease · 23/07/2014 15:50

In all honesty if you're feeding your 12 week old every two hours there isn't much point in you going anyway, you'll spend most of your time feeding the baby!!

Happyringo · 23/07/2014 18:25

I am always quite surprised by the number of people on MN who say things like "organise childcare" or "you've had loads of time to arrange childcare" etc... I can only assume people who say this are in the position of having family living nearby who are willing/able to help, or friends with lots of free time. Sometime it's not possible to just "arrange childcare" if your family are no longer alive or live miles away and friend are either working or child free etc. just saying...

TheLovelyBoots · 23/07/2014 18:26

You can also hire a babysitter.

Happyringo · 23/07/2014 18:27

Oh yeah, because lots of toddlers are really amenable to being left with a stranger for the day!

TheRealMaryMillington · 23/07/2014 18:30

DH doesn't owe you a treat

Btu YANBU to want to have some sort of plan in place to make this weekend more fun, and the promise of a day off to yourself soon.

Or can you still all go? B&G should at least still to their guns. I'd be well pissed off if as a guest I'd sorted out childcare to attend and there were tons of kids there. Crap hosting

deepest · 23/07/2014 21:14

Does it concern you that you are BFing every 2 hours at 12 weeks?

NotTheKitchenAgainPlease · 23/07/2014 21:32

If you're breast feeding I would agree you shouldn't go without your DS. I went to a wedding abroad for 2 nights when I was breast feeding DS and I was in agony and constantly pumping so I didn't get to relax and enjoy the wedding either.
Stay home and hopefully your DH will pick up some slack when he gets back. I've never got the child free wedding thing really. YANBU.

Judgypants73 · 23/07/2014 21:37

Since when is a 4year old a toddler?

Op, you were issued an invite, due to your own set of circumstances you decided not to go and now you're peed off, Yabu and precious

Seriouslyffs · 23/07/2014 21:42

Is it a nice hotel? If it is go with him and enjoy room service and a big bed.

HerRoyalNotness · 23/07/2014 21:48

Is anyone actually reading the thread? The OP is annoyed that for 4 weekends in a row, she hasn't had a break or help from her DH.

Yes, it will be nice for you to have a treat, maybe you can go out for a a couple of hours and have a coffee with a friend, while DH takes care of his DC.

PostmanPatAlwaysRingsTwice · 23/07/2014 22:08

deepest

"Does it concern you that you are BFing every 2 hours at 12 weeks?"

Are you saying there's something wrong with OP's baby?

pommedeterre · 23/07/2014 22:22

deepest-eh? I was ecstatic if dd2 went two hours between feeds until weaning!

PostmanPatAlwaysRingsTwice · 23/07/2014 22:58

I have a 12 week old who barely goes two minutes.

ICanSeeTheShardFromHere · 23/07/2014 23:07

My dd was breastfed, refused a bottle etc and I still managed to on a hen do when she was 10 weeks old and a wedding when she was 12 weeks old, they're hardly going to die if they're left with someone else for a few hours

Sorry for derailment, but how the hell did you manage this?

DD was EBF bottle refuser and I didn't go out anywhere for about 8 months. Would love to know for next time.

OP do you suspect he sneakily omitted to tell you that some kids were in fact allowed to the wedding so that he could have a jolly old weekend by himself??

Finney2 · 23/07/2014 23:13

Deepest Bloody hell my 18 month old still likes a feed every 2 hours. You're doing,a grand job OP x

PostmanPatAlwaysRingsTwice · 23/07/2014 23:13

I have been pondering that one too Shard Grin

Maybe the baby was put into a state of suspended animation?

wheresthelight · 23/07/2014 23:17

*I bet the bride would just LOVE your company now....

YABU, nasty, and entitled...*

Wow Gemma you are lovely. Have you actually rtft???

The op has no issue with the b&g having a child free wedding and has never had any intention of asking or expecting her kids to go. Her issue is 28 days straight of 24/7 single parenting whilst hubby has been covering other people's work and now a wedding of his friend. She is none of the things you call her. What a nasty entitles person you are!!

OP you have every right to expect some time out treats from dh!! I hope his next days off revolve around running hit baths for you, complete with bubbles, candles, cake and tea and that he takes your kids out for some daddy and kiddy time at the park to give you a break and respite.

Ignoring the idiots on here saying yabu. Clearly they need to learn to read

EssenceOfGelfling · 23/07/2014 23:17

Woah people are being really mean.

OP I hope you manage at the weekend and I really hope your DH appreciates how hard things are for you at the moment without any significant break from caring for 2 very young children.

I would hope that in the least he has got some leave booked over the next few weeks to counter his weekends recently and you'll be able to get some rest.

Its not fair that he has not spent a weekend with you for the last month and I would be questioning whether he could just go to the wedding for the day and then come home to spend time with you for the rest of the weekend.

The fact that its a wedding which was supposed to be child free and now turns out not to be is just kicking you when you're down, really.