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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to let my 14yr old dd stay at her male best friends house?

48 replies

Mummabubbles · 22/07/2014 21:07

He is 15.They have been incredibly close for a few years. Never romantically interested in each other. Both sensible, level headed kids.
Today is the first day of their school holiday, dd has spent the day at his house and has just come home asking if she can pack an overnight bag so she can stay there tonight. I didn't think twice and said it was fine (just as I would have if she had asked to stay at a female friends house).
OH is not happy and thinks I should have said no (I didn't think to check with him first)....

OP posts:
Toottootoffwego · 22/07/2014 21:08

Personally I'd be fine with it. Platonic relationships are perfectly possible. If you think there was a frisson then perhaps not.

LEMmingaround · 22/07/2014 21:08

I assume his parents will be there? I can't see a problem

Trills · 22/07/2014 21:10

Just don't spend the evening watching When Harry Met Sally

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 22/07/2014 21:11

I wouldn't have a problem with this.

mumtosome61 · 22/07/2014 21:11

Personally, I think this is fine. Presumably the boy has parents or a parent there, so it's not as if your DD is going there to be totally unsupervised, even if there was a hint of romance.

Original poster
Mummabubbles · 22/07/2014 21:12

Yes his parents will be there.
OH seems to think sex can only happen at night!! I think if that's what they wanted to do they would do it during the day if needs be!

OP posts:
purpleroses · 22/07/2014 21:13

I'd check with his parents first, that they're aware of the plan and OK about having her there.

Having been through all kinds of difficulties with DSD staying over at various friends houses, and lying about where she was I think it's a really good habit to get into whilst they're young enough that they don't mind you checking up, and keep up until they're old enough that you really don't care where they are. It would also give you a chance in this instance to get a sense of what the sleeping arrangements would be and how the friend's parents felt about it.

But if they were OK about it I think I would be too. DSD has had a male (platonic) friend stay over quite a few times. We know he's just a friend.

ThatBloodyWoman · 22/07/2014 21:13

I would be fine so long as the parents were there and I trusted them.

I think its lovely to support a platonic friendship, and not get tied up in any of the complications that they're obviously not tied up in.

Original poster
Mummabubbles · 22/07/2014 21:15

Haha Trills dd has taken ds's lego movie to watch. I wasn't paying an awful amount of attention in the cinema but can't recall much romance in it.

OP posts:
DuckandCat · 22/07/2014 21:15

I would think it fine, but would want to check the sleeping arrangements first.

wheresthelight · 22/07/2014 21:19

My best friend at that age was a boy (we are still good friends) and we regularly used to sleep over at each others houses with or without parents present. Never a romantic interest at all (he came out a few years ago not that anyone was shocked!) and always trusted.

I think it's good to trust kids and to discourage this bizarre notion that men and women cannot be friends without their being a sexual undertone

littlewhitebag · 22/07/2014 21:20

I am sure it will be fine. DD1 has 2 good male friends who she slept over with loads when at school. They stayed at our house too. Sometimes all three in her double bed (but that was when they were older, maybe age 17)! Absolutely nothing ever happened. Females can have platonic male friends

Original poster
Mummabubbles · 22/07/2014 21:21

I spoke to his mum (casually walked dd back round there, you know just to help carry her bag Wink ) and she doesn't see it as an issue either. They will be sleeping in the same room but have separate beds available.
dd and friend have no idea that OH has got his knickers in a twist and would, I think, find it hilarious/mortifying if they did.

OP posts:
BabyMarmoset · 22/07/2014 21:23

Even if your DD thinks it is purely platonic doesn't mean her friend thinks the same...
Honestly, and I hate the 'boys are only out for one thing' philosophy... I wouldn't let them sleep in the same room. If you trust them then by all means let them let them be together in private. Let her stay at his. But enforcing a boundary just to remind them of limits seems a good idea.
Ultimately unless you deny her all access to boys until she is 25 she will have to learn to make her own choices. Which is a good thing. But helping her make those choices is still your responsibility

Pangaea · 22/07/2014 21:24

Yeah they'll be fine.

If they are going to shag, they'll do it whenever. Staying over night makes no difference.

It's nice they're such good friends and platonic ones at that. What is OH worried might happen?

MintSource · 22/07/2014 21:25

Just don't spend the evening watching When Harry Met Sally

Or Dawson's Creek... Smile

Viviennemary · 22/07/2014 21:30

No. I don't think I'd be too happy about this. Still you know best.

Original poster
Mummabubbles · 22/07/2014 21:33

Baby I know there are no certainties but I really believe that even if he had those feelings toward l her he wouldn't pressure her into anything that she wasn't comfortable with. I have known him for a few years and he really is a lovely lad.

Pangaea I can only assume OH is worried about sex. I can't see any other reason as he would never have any worries about her staying at a female friends house. I have told him that if they wanted to do that they wouldn't have to wait til nightfall.....

OP posts:
BabyMarmoset · 22/07/2014 21:35

If you trust him then all good. As you say, they could have before so no reason to th

wheresthelight · 22/07/2014 21:36

baby ffs sex doesn't only happen at night you know!!! If they want to try it out they are going to do it at a time when parents aren't about and in most households that is during the day.

BabyMarmoset · 22/07/2014 21:38

Damn phone...
If you trust him then that is enough. No reason they would do something now when they could have before.

But the situation is new, so chat tomorrow to see if you think anything awkward did happen. If he's a nice guy then in sure it won't go beyond slightly awkward.

Rebecca2014 · 22/07/2014 21:40

No I wouldn't allow my daughter to sleep round a boys house.

Teenagers lie, shock horror.

BabyMarmoset · 22/07/2014 21:43

And sex doesn't only happen at night... But dark room, changing clothes, nightware, staying up until sleepy... All new experiences.

All new experiences a which just means your DD needs to be aware that just because she feels one way doesn't mean that a 15yo boy won't feel and act in a different way.

I'm happy that they are not going around just to shag. At 14, presumably with little sexual/romantic experience - dealing with new experiences can be challenging

Viviennemary · 22/07/2014 21:43

Certainly not in the same room. It's just simply asking for trouble. Surprised the boy's parents are happy with this.

BabyMarmoset · 22/07/2014 21:45

Apologies for the terrible English above. Hate posting on my phone.

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