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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to let my 14yr old dd stay at her male best friends house?

48 replies

Mummabubbles · 22/07/2014 21:07

He is 15.They have been incredibly close for a few years. Never romantically interested in each other. Both sensible, level headed kids.
Today is the first day of their school holiday, dd has spent the day at his house and has just come home asking if she can pack an overnight bag so she can stay there tonight. I didn't think twice and said it was fine (just as I would have if she had asked to stay at a female friends house).
OH is not happy and thinks I should have said no (I didn't think to check with him first)....

OP posts:

RelocatorRelocator · 22/07/2014 21:46

I'd be happier if they slept in different rooms tbh.

vincentaroony · 22/07/2014 22:00

When I have a teenager, I definitely wouldn't allow this. Lost my virginity at 15 to a 16 year old 'friend'. I was shy, quiet, had never had a boyfriend (or even a kiss!). He was religious and seemed sensible so both sets of parents trusted us to be alone together. Keep an eye on your girl, I grew up too quickly after my experience.

CaptainTrollolololol · 22/07/2014 22:03

I wouldn't be happy about it either.

adeucalione · 22/07/2014 22:05

I think allowing them to share a room is really naive.

Sex doesn't only happen at night, but there's something about getting ready for bed together and seeing each other in underwear or pyjamas that can make you view someone differently.

Even if they have zero intention of doing anything, unexpected things happen in unusual circumstances, feelings can change, teenagers lie and I just wouldn't put my DC in that situation.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 22/07/2014 22:05

Well tbf she could be shagging her girl mates at sleepovers so I suppose the main concern is an unwanted pregnancy.

Do you have an open enough relationship that she can speak to you about contraception/ risks of sex should the relationship become more than platonic?

MrsCosmopilite · 22/07/2014 22:09

There seems to be an assumption that they'll be getting changed in front of each other.

When I used to sleep over at friends' houses (female) the unwritten rule was that one of you got changed in the bedroom, the other in the bathroom. You'd knock to make sure the other was "decent".

I have stayed over with male and female friends in my teens (not always with my parents knowledge). I never found the urge to have sex with my male friends, nor they with me.

Preciousbane · 22/07/2014 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BellaVita · 22/07/2014 22:10

DS2 (nearly 15) has had his girlfriend to stay loads of times. I make it quite clear that when they are upstairs that bedroom doors are open until bed time and he is not to enter the guest room until she has surfaced and is dressed.

I checked with her dad that it was ok to stay with us. DS and I went to pick her up for a trip into town and I said whilst I am here I might as well say hello to your dad (DS had told me dad was fine with her staying but he could have been telling me a load of rubbish) and fair enough to the the pair of them, they had asked him and he had said yes.

lettertoherms · 22/07/2014 22:14

Gosh, I wouldn't allow it.

Downamongtherednecks · 22/07/2014 22:17

I wouldn't allow it either. They are certainly too old to be sharing a room together.

BabyMarmoset · 22/07/2014 22:20

Cosmopolite
I would definitely hope they aren't getting changed in front of each other!!

But even a thought process of 'she is getting changed next door, she is taking her others off, now she has come out and is not wearing a bra...' (Feel really creepy just typing that).

If the boy does not think it is platonic (and I trust the OP's judgement that it is just platonic)then those thoughts will go through his head.

Hacked
It is not unfeminist to suggest that there is a difference in sexual appetite of a 15yo boy compared to a 14yo girl. Just physiology.
And, just cos it's worth adding, that physiology does not excuse any inappropriate behaviour. It's just about risk factors.

Original poster

Mummabubbles · 22/07/2014 22:25

Precious I was a pain in the arse as a teenager to be honest . I think that was mainly due to very strict parents. I wasn't really allowed to do much so resorted to doing things in secret. DD would talk to me if their relationship changed. I am absolutely certain.

Think we have a very open, honest relationship. She does talk to me about anything and everything.

OP posts:

Igggi · 22/07/2014 22:26

Mintsource thinking Dawson's Creek, absolutely!
No way, unless one of the dcs was clearly gay I suppose. I d

TrustInMyStomach · 22/07/2014 22:26

This thread is intriguing me. I know I had sapphic fumbles with 3 different friends at that age when sharing rooms/beds. Is it also circumspect to stop a sleepover with 2 females because of potential there for same sex fumbles?

wheresthelight · 22/07/2014 22:35

Haha trust loving tge sappho ref

Igggi · 22/07/2014 22:38

I'm just sewing mine into their underwear.

MyBaby1day · 23/07/2014 01:37

I personally wouldn't allow it, I agree with adeucalione, they may be platonic friends in the daytime and get on and frankly-it's great!. If 2 people (of any gender) can be like this in these difficult times we are all facing BUT at night-time things (feelings) can change and I would be very weary. As for 2 girls, yes, they could also do things, but at least it wouldn't result in a pregnancy as a heterosexual liaison could. But in either case, 16 is the legal age for both. But no, sorry, it's sweet they get on but not sleepovers.

ICanSeeTheSun · 23/07/2014 01:42

I have shared a bedroom with loads of male friends, never once had sex with them.

I was working full time before I had sex.

ChickenMe · 23/07/2014 10:01

I think its fine and it's lovely that she has a close male friend. I had a similar friend and 20-odd years later he is still a friend. My parents were funny about him staying over at the same age. I think he may have been allowed to stay in a different room. Thing is we all knew even then that he was gay (although we were unable to fully articulate it at that age as things weren't as open back then-he was "one of the girls")

cakecake · 23/07/2014 11:18

Quite a tricky one - teenagers vary so much. I would imagine that his parents have been in their company during the day (partly) and have deemed it ok for them to have a sleepover?

You obviously know them better and tbh with teenagers, i think you need to pick your battles and show them that you trust them every once in a while. Otherwise they start to just lie and do what they want anyway

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 23/07/2014 11:42

Unfortunately there is no way of knowing whether you do have an open and honest relationship with her or not. Lots of my friends told their mums 'everything'. Except things they didn't want them to hear. I wouldn't let them sleep in the same room. Two hormonal teenagers?? Asking for trouble. She is only 14.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 23/07/2014 11:44

And also your OH has a right to say whether this should be allowed too.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 23/07/2014 11:45

Trust- same sex fumbles is not the same a full sex

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