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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to the think it's not on to be asleep when there are other DC at your house?

54 replies

CheerfulYank · 22/07/2014 19:48

I genuinely don't know!

DS is seven. He has a friend (8 years old) who lives 2 houses down. It's not a busy road or anything and he doesn't have to cross any streets to get there.

He goes often to play over there and occasionally the friend and his sister (she's 4) come here, although we're renovating so they don't come in as they'd have to sidestep piles of tile, lumber etc to use the bathroom or go up to DS's room. They do come play outside though.

DS went over there this morning around 9:30 and I went to get him around 1.

I saw the mother (I don't know her well but we say hello and she's pleasant enough) and said thank you for having DS and that I hadn't meant to leave him so late.

She said "oh it's fine, no problem at all" and then added 'I got to sleep in because he kept my two busy!"

I didn't really know what to say. In the first place I had asked DS if the friend had asked his mother before DS went over there, and he'd said that it was fine.

I have been known to sleep in when DS is awake if he's watching TV or reading, and I sometimes nap if DD (14 months) is napping.

But it wouldn't occur to me yo sleep if DS's friend was over and I assume DS and his friend were somewhat responsible for the 4 year old while the mother was sleeping.

I don't think I'm really comfortable with this...AIBU?

OP posts:
mrsmalcolmreynolds · 22/07/2014 19:58

I would be more unhappy about her being asleep when a four year old is up and about tbh - I think that's too young.

As to when there are other kids round surely it depends on their age, temperament and how they interact with the kids that live there. I don't think that it's necessarily a no-no in all circumstances but quite possibly with 7/8 yo unless they are really sensible and get on well and absolutely out of the question with a 4yo in the mix too!

Frogisatwat · 22/07/2014 19:59

I often 'sleep' with my children around a neighbours child in or if they are out on the street. Except its not really 'asleep' iyswim..
more dozing/relaxing.

I am not selling this well am I?
You need to clarify.
Also if my children are away from home (up the road in our cul De sac) I will text my neighbour to check they are behaving not outstaying their welcome
So yep I think you are slightly U

littlewhitebag · 22/07/2014 20:02

I think by sleep in she probably meant she got to lie in bed with a cup of tea and let her mind drift while the children entertained themselves. I don't think she was actually sound asleep.

Edenviolet · 22/07/2014 20:04

Dm used to have an 'afternoon nap' every day. In school holidays we just played whilst she was asleep (occasionally got up to things we shouldn't have) and in term time she did childminding so would put mindees in playpen for their nap, have hers knowing if they woke they'd be 'contained'. If I was off school I was told to wake her at 2.45 for the school run! Its only now I realise how bad this was but as a 12/13 year old I didn't think much of it as it was the 'norm'

Topaz25 · 22/07/2014 20:06

YANBU. If she said it was OK for your DS to come over I would expect her to entertain and supervise him, not ignore him. He was a guest, he wasn't there to help her with the other children! I would also worry about the four year old. 7 and 8 is old enough to know to stay in the house and wake her if they need her etc, but not really old enough to be responsible for a younger child! I don't think it's neglectful or anything but I do think she made a mistake and I understand your concerns.

usualsuspectt · 22/07/2014 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Staywithme · 22/07/2014 20:19

How did she seem when she said told you? Did she seem matter of fact about it or do you think she might be exhausted or depressed? I'm just wondering if she was trying to get you to ask if she's ok, as she might have problems and be reaching out for help.

Superworm · 22/07/2014 20:22

YANBU at all. Children need supervising, particularly a four year old.

Older children could get up to anything and often encourage each other to do things they wouldn't usually.

Frogisatwat · 22/07/2014 20:25

Exhausted or depressed? Probably just dozing and relaxing. If you are that concerned op try checking in sooner than every 3.5:hours!!
Is this a wind up?

Original poster
CheerfulYank · 22/07/2014 20:31

It is mostly the 4 year old I'm concerned about, I suppose. She's a very young four IYKWIM. No boundaries, etc.

DS and his friend are pretty sensible at 7/8 year old boys go so I don't worry about them as much. And I don't feel like DS needs to be entertained; I don't really entertain him and his friends when they're over.

Stay she seemed pretty matter of fact.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheerfulYank · 22/07/2014 20:33

No, it's real Frog! :) I definitely should have checked up before and did apologize for leaving him so long, I didn't mean to and won't again.

It just took me aback but I can see it's not a big deal. The two of them are over playing in our back yard right now so I can return the favor a bit.

OP posts:
Muppetsbitch · 22/07/2014 20:56

Agree with previous poster that this is probably a terminology confusion as I say I got to sleep in when in fact what I mean is stay in bed with cup of tea playing on ipad. I haven't actua.ly slept past 7 am in years.

mommy2ash · 22/07/2014 20:58

I wouldn't send a seven year old off to someone's house for four hours without checking it was ok myself first. if she was having a lie in that is her own business she didn't promise she would mind your child.

by having a lie in she probably meant laying in bed relaxing but not sleeping. I only know one person who actually sleeps while his child is awake and we have had words about it.

FrankSaysNo · 22/07/2014 21:02

Reading your OP, specifically this

He goes often to play over there and occasionally the friend and his sister (she's 4) come here, although we're renovating so they don't come in as they'd have to sidestep piles of tile, lumber etc to use the bathroom or go up to DS's room.

in conjunction with this:

DS went over there this morning around 9:30

So your DS went off knocking on someones door, uninvited, and you didnt take him over there either. Due to your renovations you are quite happy to bunt your child off to a third party.

diddl · 22/07/2014 21:11

When your son went there, did you know whether or not it was OK?

Original poster
CheerfulYank · 22/07/2014 21:12

No, Frank, DS was playing out in our yard.

His friend was in their yard. He called over to DSto come play. I told DS it had to be all right with friend's mum. DS relayed this to friend.

I was inside doing laundry then and DS said "X's mom says I can come over." I didn't walk him over myself because DD was still asleep.

I have told her that it is fine to send DS home whenever. Usually I go get him after an hour or two but today I didn't. I lost track of time and was apologetic.

However the two of them have been playing at ours in the yard for a little over two hours now so in another hour and a half we'll be square :o

OP posts:
usualsuspectt · 22/07/2014 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
CheerfulYank · 22/07/2014 21:14

Diddl I took the friend's word for it.

OP posts:
fledermaus · 22/07/2014 21:14

I think if you have a child over as a guest, then you need to "host" to an extent (being out of bed, aware of what they are doing).

If it's just a neighbour child has knocked wanting to play, then the parent is not expecting the child to be supervised and you are free to go on with your day as normal.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 22/07/2014 21:15

Okay, so your title here says you don't think it's okay for her to sleep when someone else's child is there, then you change and say well, actually it's really because the 4yo is there.

So make up your mind.

7 or 8 year old fine. Four year old? Well, if the child lives there, and the environment inside the house is safe for her, then not sure it's a huge deal.

Are we missing something?

usualsuspectt · 22/07/2014 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
CheerfulYank · 22/07/2014 21:18

Alice I think at first I was just taken aback then thought, "oh well, the boys are fairly sensible so it's no big deal" but then the idea of the four year old not being supervised gave me pause.

But you're right, it really isn't a big deal in her own home. And it's not a busy road.

I think it just gave me pause because it isn't something I would do. But I am BU it would seem and I won't think anymore about it. Also I agree, she could have just meant relaxing, which is fine.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheerfulYank · 22/07/2014 21:19

I would never let DS just go wandering over to ask if he could play!

OP posts:
Branleuse · 22/07/2014 21:20

i dont see the problem tbh. Its not like she's your childminder

lettertoherms · 22/07/2014 21:20

I think YABU.

Your DS is not really a guest, she's not really hosting. In this situation it's more like an extension of playing in the yard. They're just playing out with an adult within shouting distance.

I'd be really surprised if none on this thread are willing to relax/doze while their 4 and 8 year old are playing at home in the day.

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