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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is DH?

90 replies

SunshineQuack · 22/07/2014 17:07

Bit of a long story but I hope I can keep it short.

DH has a good friend who he has known since school. Let's call him A. A also went to university with myself and DH, lived on our sofa at one point (student house), organised DH's stag do - has always been about. A couple of years out of uni he met his lovely wife B, and had two DCs with them who we've got to know pretty well also. We've babysat for each other, had family days out, been round each other's houses and generally been good friends.

Various upsetting things happened to A and B (which I won't go into for reasons of identification) and their marriage started to suffer. It finally came to a head about three months ago when A left B for another woman who it turned out he'd been having an affair with for some time. Since he left it's all become pretty bitter with both A and B using the children as weapons against each other (e.g. - A introduced the OW to the children without telling B so she wouldn't let them go to see him next time he was due to have them because she said she didn't trust him, so he decided to not give her some money she was counting on - they both calmed down after a while and compromised but it was hell).

DH and I have tried to stay out of it and not take sides but it's becoming increasingly difficult. Now A wants us to come to a dinner party hosted by him and the OW. DH thinks we should go because A is our old friend and he isn't willing to drop him. I know B will feel really betrayed and hurt by our socialing with the OW and A when everything is so up in the air and think it's too soon and we should try and avoid OW. I keep thinking how devastated I would be in B's shoes.

DH and I have been arguing about this all day. Advice? AIBU?

OP posts:
HannerHet · 22/07/2014 17:10

That's a difficult one, if it was me I wouldn't go

HowYaLikeThemApples · 22/07/2014 17:13

I wouldn't go either to be honest.

Icelollycraving · 22/07/2014 17:13

I wouldn't go.

Topseyt · 22/07/2014 17:14

Perhaps you and B could go out for a meal together, whilst your husband and his friend have dinner on the same evening?

Other than that, in your shoes I would not go at all.

Original poster
SunshineQuack · 22/07/2014 17:17

I just feel really bad for B and know that if DH left me for another woman it would rub salt into the wound if our mutual friends started hanging out. But DH is insistent that being mates with someone means sticking by them when they are beinf a prick too. He also says I have to get to know the OW at some point as he isn't ditching A.

I am beginning to want to strangle DH about this.

OP posts:
Nomama · 22/07/2014 17:18

Stop arguing. You are both right and wrong!

Tell A and B that you will continue to be friends of B and A and that it doesn't mean you condone As behaviour.

You don't have to tell As OW anything, just take her as you find her.

Be upfront about it and if either of them complain tell them a second time, you aren't taking sides, you aren't making any judgements... if they don't like it you know which to let go!

It has worked well for us. 10 years down the line we are still friends with bot and went to their weddings to new partners. It can be done and you don't have to lose anyone.

Oh! But you do have to have a sentence "I won't be part of that conversation", trotted out whenever one of them starts to slag off the other in company. Just say it calmly, it usually worked for us - OK me, DH was always a bit embarrassed to say anything!

pictish · 22/07/2014 17:18

Oooh it's difficult isn't it?
I think your dh should go if he wants to, but that you don't have to if you don't.

whois · 22/07/2014 17:18

Yeah it's too soon... I like the suggestion of DH going and you seeing B, or just not going at all.

RiverTam · 22/07/2014 17:23

agree with Nomama.

MumOfTheMoos · 22/07/2014 17:25

I agree with Nomama - you need to explain to both of them that you're going to remain friends with both of them but you're not going to talk about them with the other.

BackforGood · 22/07/2014 17:25

It is difficult, but if I were your dh, I would want to go too.

One of my lifelong friends had an affair (which went on for a long time - well over a year) then left her lovely, lovely husband for this new man. It was very difficult - although I'd known the friend from school at 11, I'd first met her dh when we were 16 so I'd known him over 20 yrs by then, and had been on holidays together, shared family days, etc. - so genuinely felt he was our friend too.
What we did, was go to either person if they invited us - they were both still our friends even though they hated each other, and if we had things we would previously have invited them as a couple to, we took turns to invite them - so they both travelled over to us on various occasions with the dc, but without the other one.
We felt that - although it was difficult - it was the best way to support them both. From the outside, it's easy to say the person who has had the affair is always the 'wrong' or 'evil' one, but I don't think any of us ever know what goes on inside someone else's relationship, and my thinking was - these are 2 very nice people. It's really sad their relationship has broken down, but what kind of friend would I be if I turned my back on my lifelong friend when she was going through the most difficult time of her life ?

You don't need to make a song and dance about the fact you are going - your friend B doesn't need to know, but remember A is your friend also. Nothing to stop you inviting A for a meal or a coffee or something another day.

BackforGood · 22/07/2014 17:25

x-posted with last 7 posts, typing that epic! Grin

Bowlersarm · 22/07/2014 17:28

I'd go. I wouldn't take sides.

A will have one side, B will have another, and there will be a huge C side which only they know about.

HeadfirstForHalos · 22/07/2014 17:30

I wouldn't go, I think it's too soon.

NewNameForSpring · 22/07/2014 17:33

Three months ago? Too soon.

B would feel so betrayed and she doesn't deserve that. I would suggest to your H that he should go and that yes in time you may well get to know the OW but not for some time yet.

Vivacia · 22/07/2014 17:33

I'd give my DH my blessing but not go myself, not yet.

curiousgeorgie · 22/07/2014 17:35

I've got a similar situation and I didn't (and wouldn't) go. A should understand.

BackforGood · 22/07/2014 17:37

Why would B even know ???

Anomaly · 22/07/2014 17:40

Personally I wouldn't go. A had the affair which would make me think less of him. I can see your DH wanting to stay friends as they have been friends so long. But your DH can maintain the friendship by doing things that don't involve the OW or aren't so blatantly coupley.

Over time things will change between A and B so meeting the OW won't feel like such a betrayal.

KnackeredMuchly · 22/07/2014 17:46

How long has it been since they broke up? If your DH wants to be friends with him, he's going to have to meet the OW... it reads like you do want to take sides a little

Original poster
SunshineQuack · 22/07/2014 17:52

Three months since they broke up.

I guess I am a little bit on B's side which is probably why DH is getting so defensive of A. Maybe I am being U.

OP posts:
Itsfab · 22/07/2014 17:59

I wouldn't go and your DH is being a dick telling you you have to get to know his friend's other woman at some point. Why do you? You don't. He can carry on being friends with him but you don't have to pretend you still like him when he is a cheat and a bully to his wife.

If you go the wife will be hurt and would know as I expect her ex would tell her since he has already shown knobbish behaviour.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 22/07/2014 18:00

DH can remain friends with A but that doesn't mean you have to meet the OW, certainly not yet anyway.

Let DH go on his own.

BackforGood · 22/07/2014 18:05

Where do you get "bully" from Itsfab ? Confused

I have to say OP, it does sound like you are the one wanting to take sides.
If she (friend B) invited you and dh over, would you hope that he'd come with you ?

Judgypants73 · 22/07/2014 18:08

I wouldn't go but I'd leave it up to dh to make his decision., which I'd respect and I'd also expect he would respect my decision.

You are not been u.

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