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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is DH?

90 replies

SunshineQuack · 22/07/2014 17:07

Bit of a long story but I hope I can keep it short.

DH has a good friend who he has known since school. Let's call him A. A also went to university with myself and DH, lived on our sofa at one point (student house), organised DH's stag do - has always been about. A couple of years out of uni he met his lovely wife B, and had two DCs with them who we've got to know pretty well also. We've babysat for each other, had family days out, been round each other's houses and generally been good friends.

Various upsetting things happened to A and B (which I won't go into for reasons of identification) and their marriage started to suffer. It finally came to a head about three months ago when A left B for another woman who it turned out he'd been having an affair with for some time. Since he left it's all become pretty bitter with both A and B using the children as weapons against each other (e.g. - A introduced the OW to the children without telling B so she wouldn't let them go to see him next time he was due to have them because she said she didn't trust him, so he decided to not give her some money she was counting on - they both calmed down after a while and compromised but it was hell).

DH and I have tried to stay out of it and not take sides but it's becoming increasingly difficult. Now A wants us to come to a dinner party hosted by him and the OW. DH thinks we should go because A is our old friend and he isn't willing to drop him. I know B will feel really betrayed and hurt by our socialing with the OW and A when everything is so up in the air and think it's too soon and we should try and avoid OW. I keep thinking how devastated I would be in B's shoes.

DH and I have been arguing about this all day. Advice? AIBU?

OP posts:

Nomama · 22/07/2014 18:10

Ye gods! What people read into threads.

OP, just go with it. Your DH doesn't have to lose a friend. The OW may not be a home wrecker. Wife may end up happy with the arrangement.

Just don't judge, don't invest in other peoples lives and emotions. Make your position clear to A and B (not OW, she is, at this point, of no consequence). You and your DH are arguing over a moot point.

Real friends have 2 options, cut contact with both or neither.

Itsfab · 22/07/2014 18:14

BackForGood - bully because he was refusing to give his wife money her children were entitled too because she stopped an access visit.

Nomama · 22/07/2014 18:16

But OP says that they are both using the kids as weapons. Both are being unreasonable, Itsfab.

She is bullying him too, using your criteria!

diddl · 22/07/2014 18:16

OP, do you want to go?

If not, don't!

I don't see why you have to get to know the OW-not yet, anyway & never if you aren't bothered about keeping this man as a friend!

Your husband can do as he wishes!

Bowlersarm · 22/07/2014 18:18

Itsfab, the OP said both of them were using the children against each other, not just him.

Bowlersarm · 22/07/2014 18:19

Xpost Nomama

OneDreamOnly · 22/07/2014 18:20

The way you'll handle it depends on how you feel about the reason for the split and how close you are to A and B.

Some people would say that having a year long affair is unacceptable and enough to break the friendship.
Others would say that the friendship is more important and whatever A did is his own problem.
Then some would say they are friends but wouldn't want to be involved in any shape or form with the divorce so no support to give. And others would say that they want to be there for their friend and support them, which means talking about the separation.

What I feel is that your DH is putting is friendship with A first and doesn't see it as a problem to validate A new tensions hip with OW.
But you feel A's behaviour wasn't right and you should be supporting B instead.

All options are valid but I don't think you can at the same time keep good relationships with A and B and support one or the other in this time.
That's why most people take sides when there is a split.

So the question is: can you go to A meal and look at him straight knowing what he has done? Are you happy to validate that relationship?

hotfuzzra · 22/07/2014 18:22

I would go, be honest with B and tell her but say you're not taking sides and organise something soonish with B and your DH. If you've gone with DH to A's dinner then DH will reciprocate.
No point you two falling out over it!

hamptoncourt · 22/07/2014 18:22

I am another one who thinks it is too soon.

Nomama · 22/07/2014 18:34

How long does A have to be quarantined?

Seriously, if the marriage is over nothing anyone from outside does will make a difference. It's just 'the look of it' that is being mulled over.

You won't be able to look good to everyone whatever you choose to do. And, to be honest, it doesn't matter as long as you STOP ARGUING about it.

It shoudn't cause friction in your relationship. Don't let someone elses life choices affect your life!

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 22/07/2014 18:40

No. Far too soon.

All you will do if you socialise with the OW now is look as of you are taking sides - A's side. It's way too soon and raw for B to feel anything less than utterly betrayed.

Just wait a bit for things to settle and yes, you can hopefully successfully maintain both friendships- people will move on. But it's just stupid and inflammatory to do this now (and if things have been as awful as you say, there may even be an element of A trying to 'get in first' and get one over on B by getting you to publicly accept the OW...)

No no no. Stay RIGHT out of it for a good few months if you want to be able to look back won this without regrets and stay friends with both of them. I'm surprised at your DH!

Finney2 · 22/07/2014 18:40

I wouldn't go. I think it's too soon. Tell him it's not 'never', it's just not 'now.' If she hadn't been an OW I might feel differently but A has the potential to be incredibly hurt by this and even if you're not taking sides, she's going to feel like you are.

AnneElliott · 22/07/2014 18:43

Why can't DH see A on his own? Why does ow have to be involved? If ow was not going to be there, then surely it wouldn't be an issue to meet A as he is also your friend.

I think it is too soon to meet the ow and B is likely to be very hurt. I saw this with one of my friends, as mutual friends were still going out with he ex, and ow in tow. That really hurt her as it seemed like she was being replaced.

I would agree to meet A for dinner but without the ow.

ithoughtofitfirst · 22/07/2014 18:45

No way Jose

LineRunner · 22/07/2014 18:45

I wouldn't go and I would be annoyed about any pressure being put on me to do so.

Everybody makes choices and lives with them.

That would be mine.

maddy68 · 22/07/2014 18:48

It is possible to remain friends with both parties. Just be honest with the other friend that you have seen the other one. Don't go into details. Just say you won't discuss each other with the ex.
If they are good friends they will understand

Heels99 · 22/07/2014 18:49

Too soon, don't go. Your dh can go out for a drink separately with A.

muffliato · 22/07/2014 18:50

It's not too soon to meet A on his own but to have a dinner party with the ow 3 months after they split is just off especially since they are friends with B too.

It's not talking sides it's about timing.

diddl · 22/07/2014 18:54

I think for me atm, I wouldn't be wanting to see A yet, let alone seeing him cosied up with the OW!

Obviously they are quite used to seeing themselves as a couple and I suppose are keen to be accepted as such.

I'd be wondering who the fuck this guy was as he obviously wasn't who I thought!

BettyFlour · 22/07/2014 18:55

I agree with what PP say about being friends with both, being honest with both, and visiting both. However, I think this should be the case after a longer period of time, perhaps a year.

At the moment, 3 months after such devastating impact to the marriage, I wouldn't wanting to fine with the OW at this stage. I think it is unreasonable of A to ask and your DH to argue about this.

So YANBU at this point, only 3 m

Dozer · 22/07/2014 18:55

I wouldn't go, or do any couples' socialising with OW for a long time. H would have to see his friend by himself.

AtrociousCircumstance · 22/07/2014 18:59

I wouldn't go. Too soon.

And time does come into this. Three months on B may still be in the feeling sick every day/sobbing/hopelessness phase.

A behaved like a prick and he doesn't get to have it all his own way. He sounds demanding and insensitive even by creating this issue so soon.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/07/2014 19:02

3 MONTHS? He's being a prick and I wouldn't go.

sykadelic · 22/07/2014 19:07

I wouldn't go either.

He's still married to B. B is your friend as well. It's incredibly disrespectful in my opinion and reeks of trying to replace his wife before she's even his EX-wife.

I wouldn't be happy if my friends with trying to play "happy families" with my husband and his OW, especially so soon after finding out he'd been cheating on me for a year!.

At the very least I would make sure B was okay with it (knew I wasn't picking sides), and to be honest, unless the divorce took a stupidly long time, I wouldn't go until the divorce was final because only then is his relationship with B really over. I wouldn't be going as A's friend either, I'd simply be going for my husband's sake.

Gen35 · 22/07/2014 19:08

I think it's more aggressive game-playing by the exh-h, trying to signal to ex-w that he didn't do anything wrong and nobody's judging him - it's too soon to be playing happy families with the ow. I think in your shoes I'd let DH go on his own. Probably once the ex-w moves on and things get less bitter you could see.

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