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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is DH?

90 replies

SunshineQuack · 22/07/2014 17:07

Bit of a long story but I hope I can keep it short.

DH has a good friend who he has known since school. Let's call him A. A also went to university with myself and DH, lived on our sofa at one point (student house), organised DH's stag do - has always been about. A couple of years out of uni he met his lovely wife B, and had two DCs with them who we've got to know pretty well also. We've babysat for each other, had family days out, been round each other's houses and generally been good friends.

Various upsetting things happened to A and B (which I won't go into for reasons of identification) and their marriage started to suffer. It finally came to a head about three months ago when A left B for another woman who it turned out he'd been having an affair with for some time. Since he left it's all become pretty bitter with both A and B using the children as weapons against each other (e.g. - A introduced the OW to the children without telling B so she wouldn't let them go to see him next time he was due to have them because she said she didn't trust him, so he decided to not give her some money she was counting on - they both calmed down after a while and compromised but it was hell).

DH and I have tried to stay out of it and not take sides but it's becoming increasingly difficult. Now A wants us to come to a dinner party hosted by him and the OW. DH thinks we should go because A is our old friend and he isn't willing to drop him. I know B will feel really betrayed and hurt by our socialing with the OW and A when everything is so up in the air and think it's too soon and we should try and avoid OW. I keep thinking how devastated I would be in B's shoes.

DH and I have been arguing about this all day. Advice? AIBU?

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 22/07/2014 19:09

Being friends with both after a break up means showing consideration for both too.

If I wanted to stay friends with B then I would understand that doing couples dinner parties with her ex and the OW would be a deal breaker for her.

I would say that if H wanted to go then that would be fine but that I wouldnt be going with him.

Also, I wouldnt want to be seen to be condoning what he has done, so for that reason alone I wouldnt want to have anything to do with them. Cheat all you want but dont expect me to pretend to be supportive of you!

Cyclebump · 22/07/2014 19:10

I might be in the minority, but I think it's ok to disagree on this. If he wants to go that's fine and if you don't, that's equally fine.

You sound uncomfortable with it and that will show if you go, it could make things even more awkward. I would pull a babysitting excuse, let your DH go and just avoid the situation until you feel you can deal with it.

I wouldn't go because I'd have a hard time hiding my feelings if I did.

Bogeyface · 22/07/2014 19:12

I think it's more aggressive game-playing by the exh-h, trying to signal to ex-w that he didn't do anything wrong and nobody's judging him

And this.

There have been several devastated women on here who have had salt rubbed into the wound by people they loved and respected welcoming the OW into their circle as the if first wife never existed. Its bad enough when your ILs do it (who, to a certain extent dont have much choice) but when friends do it, it is like being abandoned all over again.

CrimeaRiver · 22/07/2014 19:18

Agree to disagree.

If it were me, I would suggest DH go and make an excuse for not going yourself. A will know why you haven't pitched up, but it would be unreasonable of him to tkae offence. Make it clear this has nothing to do with not wanting to meet OW - if she sticks around, there will be plenty of time for that - and, politely, point out that it would be incredibly childish of him to want you to meet this new woman. No need to tell B about any of it, but if she wants to know tell her the full truth.

What would you do if B invited you to dinner with her new man at this point, if she had one (I know she probably doesn't)?

Original poster

SunshineQuack · 22/07/2014 19:36

I think I'm just as confused as I was before.

I have told DH that I think it's OK for him to go, especially as he's known A for such a long time, and I guess that it's fair to say we can't quarantine him away. I have said I am happy to hang out with A, but I'm a bit nervous about the OW. DH does agree this is A trying to get people to accept him and OW as a couple and normalize the situation, but thinks it's a good thing. A is very smitten with the OW and really wants the relationship to last.

I am currently thinking of calling B and having a chat and letting her know that this dinner party is one the table, but if she feels uncomfortable, I won't go but I don't know if that's stirring or putting too much pressure on her.

I think if B had a new man, I would feel a lot better - as it is, she's still a bit shell shocked. I also think it would be different if A had a new woman and not the woman he had the affair with.

The other option is that I just say we can't find a sitter for DD, and I have to stay at home.

OP posts:

OneDreamOnly · 22/07/2014 19:43

Or you can decide not to go.
It's ok for your DH to validate and welcome the ow with open arms. You don't have to agree with him.

CrimeaRiver · 22/07/2014 19:45

If B's position is totally shell-shocked by the whole thing, I wouldn't go, tbh. It's not really necessary, is it? I mean, why risk seriously hurting B for the sake of helping A enjoy his high with OW, when you don't even need to go out of loyalty to DH?

Same would apply if roles were reversed, and same would apply irrespective of OW having been the OW befire marriage broke down.

Bogeyface · 22/07/2014 19:51

I wouldnt tell her.

And I wouldnt go. He can go if he wants to but you dont have to.

And him wanting to normalise the new relationship is very selfish (A and your DH), like neither of them want to deal with the reality of what A actually did. I would be fucking fuming with your DH if I was you!

ApocalypseNowt · 22/07/2014 19:51

Don't ask her if it's ok OP. That's a bit unfair. It's your decision to make, not hers.

I wouldn't go personally.

Bogeyface · 22/07/2014 19:51

Oh and its nice to know what your DH will do if he ever cheated isnt it?!

Bogeyface · 22/07/2014 19:52

Cheats not cheated

Itsfab · 22/07/2014 19:53

I don't think it is fair to ask B if she is okay with you going to the dinner party. Make your own decision. She will be thinking you are fine with what her husband did no matter what you say.

sykadelic · 22/07/2014 19:54

I asked my colleague what she thought and she's of the opinion that going to this actually IS taking sides. You're taking the side that what he's done is okay. By not going, you're not taking either side. Continue to see either of them separately, but not with the woman he cheated on your friend with.

We discussed if B had a new man and invited us to that and honestly, as B was the "injured party", this would mean she was "over it" so yes we would visit with her and new guy, and now also see A and OW.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/07/2014 20:05

I also think it would be different if A had a new woman and not the woman he had the affair with. Yes, but let's face it; splitting, meeting someone new and getting to dinner party stage wouldn't take 3 months. The only reason he is at dinner party stage now is that he was cheating on his wife. YUK!

Gen35 · 22/07/2014 20:09

Yeah I don't think you should ask her, that's just passing on the awkwardness. And I think your dh is wrong, exh is jumping into this far too soon, if a close female friend did this, I wouldn't be affirming her trying to push this all together so quickly.

muffliato · 22/07/2014 20:10

If it was me I wouldn't go. I would feel disgusted with him and it would probably show and make things even more awkward.
Can your Dh even imagine what B must be feeling like at the minute.

GelfBride · 22/07/2014 20:13

It's too early and not fair of you DH to put pressure on you. You are married not joined at the hip

NoodleOodle · 22/07/2014 20:26

I wouldn't go. If H wanted to go,well that would be his prerogative,, but I wouldn't be socialising with the OW until at least the point where B had fully processed and moved on.

I wouldn't bring it up to B though, only discussing things if she brought it up first, as it would most likely feel like salt in the wound until then.

mommy2ash · 22/07/2014 21:07

I wouldn't go. it's hard when someone you have been friends with for a long time does something you massively disapprove of. I understand you both still wanting to be friends with a. the other woman isn't your friend though so I can understand not wanting to socialise with her especially so soon. I'm too honest of a person to be polite and enjoy myself.

I would tell your husband to go but I would feel much too awkward

attheendoftheday · 22/07/2014 21:12

I wouldn't go. You can stay friends with both A and B while identifying that A is the one being a dick. I don't think B deserves to be hurt.

StandsOnGoldenSands · 22/07/2014 21:59

I wouldn't tell B. It is putting pressure on her to be ok with it or to make it an antagonistic situation - no two ways about it. Don't make it her decision, it's not fair.

I wouldn't go and I would be clear to A about why. 'I like you, I regret the end of your marriage, I'd like to remain friends with you but I am not ready to spend time with your new partner just yet'.
Obviously your DH can take his own approach (I won't say 'let him' because that isn't right, it's his choice as much as yours).

Your DH and A need to understand that mutual couple friends happen naturally, it doesn't mean he replaces B with X and the dynamic just continues as before. He is asking you to build a new friendship with a new person and that won't necessarily click in the way they both seem to assume it will.
Or do they just expect you to put up with each other to facilitate the menz?

TheRealAmandaClarke · 22/07/2014 22:02

I wouldn't go. I think it's too soon

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 22/07/2014 22:06

I would go, they are together now and if I wanted to remain friends with A that would mean accepting his new partner

But if you feel uncomfortable then don't go, there's no rush but I think you'd be unfair to try to stop your DH going

It's so hard in these situations to stay neutral it might come down to who you wish to remain friends with most

ilovesooty · 22/07/2014 22:11

Just don't judge, don't invest in other peoples lives and emotions. Make your position clear to A and B (not OW, she is, at this point, of no consequence)

I think I'd agree with that. However if you really don't feel comfortable it's not fair of your husband to put pressure on you to go. I wouldn't make an excuse though - I'd tell A how you feel.

ApocalypseThen · 22/07/2014 22:26

I think I'd be ducking out as well. And as far as using the children as weapons, B shouldn't be doing this but I doubt she's in her right mind at the moment, so I think I'd judge Mr Move On a bit more.

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