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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is DH?

90 replies

SunshineQuack · 22/07/2014 17:07

Bit of a long story but I hope I can keep it short.

DH has a good friend who he has known since school. Let's call him A. A also went to university with myself and DH, lived on our sofa at one point (student house), organised DH's stag do - has always been about. A couple of years out of uni he met his lovely wife B, and had two DCs with them who we've got to know pretty well also. We've babysat for each other, had family days out, been round each other's houses and generally been good friends.

Various upsetting things happened to A and B (which I won't go into for reasons of identification) and their marriage started to suffer. It finally came to a head about three months ago when A left B for another woman who it turned out he'd been having an affair with for some time. Since he left it's all become pretty bitter with both A and B using the children as weapons against each other (e.g. - A introduced the OW to the children without telling B so she wouldn't let them go to see him next time he was due to have them because she said she didn't trust him, so he decided to not give her some money she was counting on - they both calmed down after a while and compromised but it was hell).

DH and I have tried to stay out of it and not take sides but it's becoming increasingly difficult. Now A wants us to come to a dinner party hosted by him and the OW. DH thinks we should go because A is our old friend and he isn't willing to drop him. I know B will feel really betrayed and hurt by our socialing with the OW and A when everything is so up in the air and think it's too soon and we should try and avoid OW. I keep thinking how devastated I would be in B's shoes.

DH and I have been arguing about this all day. Advice? AIBU?

OP posts:

BackforGood · 23/07/2014 00:08

Still waiting to find out why B would even need to know ?

Original poster

SunshineQuack · 23/07/2014 00:58

Oh...sorry. I guess I assumed I'd tell her because lying would be shittier. TBH I wouldn't trust A or DH to keep it a secret either.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/07/2014 01:06

I wouldn't trust A or DH to keep it a secret either. Which is really interesting. It all just seems a bit nasty TBH. So soon and everyone just wants to pretend there isn't a marriage involved, including your DH, which would worry me.

BackforGood · 23/07/2014 01:07

But why would you need to lie ?
Do you report in, what you are doing every evening to Friend B ?

I have lots of friends from different areas of my life, but I don't publicise my diary to any of them - unless I happened to start a conversation about going to a new restaurant or something last night, then none of my friends from X, that perhaps I see on a Thursday, would know that I'd been out with Y last Saturday - why would they ? I wouldn't lie either, but I just wouldn't bring it up in conversation.
If Friend B asked directly, I'd answer 'yes, I'd seen him / met her / whatever' but then I'd just repeat that I wasn't going to take sides and therefore wasn't prepared to take part in that conversation, as suggested upthread. I don't see why she'd ask though.

Bogeyface · 23/07/2014 01:08

You could tell her if you have already decided not to go so "We have been invited to X by Ex and OW but I am not going" but not "We have been invited, what do you think we should do?"

Tell her that you have been invited but dont make the decision about whether to go hers.

QuipFree · 23/07/2014 01:11

I'd go with honesty. I'd honestly tell A that you're happy to meet up with him, but not with OW as it's too soon after the split and might upset B further. Sorry, but if he dumped his wife for someone else he needs to expect a bit of kick-back. Tell him things will normalise in time and you'll be happy to meet OW at a later date. As your DH if he thinks this is an acceptable compromise.

If you decide to go, or if DH does, certainly tell B. You're right, it will hurt less coming from you - it will still sting, but not as much as having A trumpet it to her than you both met OW and had a good night.

CrimeaRiver · 23/07/2014 01:15

I agree. Be honest.

Somebody in this situation needs to have the courage of their convictions.

LittlePeaPod · 23/07/2014 01:24

I wouldn't go. I feel really bad for A's ex wife. 3 months post leaving his already trying to replace her with OW. I would be honest with him and tell him that I wish to remain friendswith both him and ex wife and considering the circumstances I am not in a position to meet OW right now because of the hurt it would cause ex wife.

WhatTheFork · 23/07/2014 01:36

I'd speak to b and see what she thinks. But at the same time not putting her on the spot. Not easy. This situation must be reasonably common, but hasn't happened to me.

MollyWhuppie · 23/07/2014 08:25

I would feel totally betrayed if my good friend went off to a couples dinner with ex and ow 3 months post split.

It's not about taking sides, or judging what he's done, just not wanting to cause more hurt to someone who is hurt already, and for whom it's all still very raw.

I actually can't believe the insensitivity and lack of empathy of some of the posters on this thread.

Nomama · 23/07/2014 13:32

We just bit the bullet:

I was friends more with B, DH with A. We discussed the situation and DH told A, the first time they met up for a drink, that we fully intended to remain friends with both and wouldn't be taking sides, passing on messages etc. OW was not mentioned.

I talked to B then next time I saw her and told her much the same. I underlined that we would not be passing info re A or OW and had no intention of being judgey, we just didn't want to lose either as a friend.

We had that conversation about 6 weeks after A left!

B told me, about 2 years later, that she initially hated me for my being so calm and matter of fact about it, but appreciated it the further away from the break up she got.

A, as men tend to, never mentioned it (OW did just before they got married... she wanted to be sure I didn't hate her, which by then I didn't).

Itsfab · 23/07/2014 14:03

BackForGood - you are being deliberately obtuse. Not telling your work friend you went out for dinner with another colleague is NOT the same as not telling your friend you went out for dinner with her STBEH and his new girlfriend.

Roussette · 23/07/2014 15:41

3 months is FAR too soon. I really wouldn't go yet and I think A having a dinner party with his affair woman and asking all the friends at this early stage is very manipulative and smacks of people getting onside.

Imagine how B would feel that night.. sat there on her own whilst her husband who left her 3 months ago is with the woman he had an affair with and she is laughing and joking with her best friends (you two.) She would feel like sh1te.

In time these things can happen but not at this stage. Just my opinion of course

Roussette · 23/07/2014 15:41

*smacks of getting people onside.

BackforGood · 23/07/2014 15:49

I'm not being obtuse at all ItsFab.

I genuinely think (well know- see my first post) that it's a difficult situation when two friends, that you consider both halves of the couple to be your friends - split up. It is 100x more awkward for everyone who loves them, when it transpires one of them has been having an affair. However - in my opinion - and I realise I'm in the minority on this thread, but the OP didn't say you could only post if you agreed with the majority, you don't have to "side" with one or the other of the couple. You can accept invitations from both of them. You can be diplomatic enough to then not rub the other half of the split couple's face in it, by posting about it on FB or by going on about the fact you've seen one of them when you are with the other one.
That's not being obtuse, that's trying to continue a friendship with two people you are close to, in difficult circumstances.

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