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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A wedding one...

103 replies

alltherightfriends · 22/07/2014 10:21

This is the first time I have started a thread here, I'm a long time lurker though.

I just wanted to get peoples opinions really on if I am being silly!! DP and I have been invited to a wedding of some good friends of ours. The wedding is 3.5 hours away but we all actually live within 10 minutes of each other in a different town. DP is invited to the daytime and I am invited to the evening. I was cross about this to begin with as a) we have been together for nearly 10 years, b) the wedding is a fair distance and DP doesn't drive and c) we are all friends and if anything I see more of the bride and groom than DP.

However, I quickly worked out that every couple that is invited is invited in this way - one half to daytime and the other to join them in the evening. I thought that this was quite thoughtless but got over it. Until the bride asked me to please make sure i travelled to the wedding the night before as she was expecting me to give DP and another unrelated friend a lift so that they could be there for the day time...

This angered me as I am not, nor have I ever been a taxi driver, this other friend is not my responsibility at all.
Anyway so (I'm feeling quite tolerant at this point) DP and I book a hotel for the night before and the night of the wedding. I agree to drive unrelated friend to the wedding the night before as well. I make plans to spend the daytime exploring and having lunch with another friend's DH as he isn't invited either. All fine.

So. Now DP has been informed by his work that he is actually scheduled to go on a trip that week and that it is non-negotiable. He travels a lot with his work. He thought he had booked days off for the wedding but doesn't look like he did. He is quite upset about this as the groom is a very good friend. We discuss cancelling our hotel room and me not going either as I am not particularly keen on hanging around a random place to go to the evening do of a wedding without DP when I wasn't invited to the actual wedding. He calls to explain and apologise. Groom is upset but understanding. Asks if I will still go as they are counting on me to take unrelated friend to the day time!!!

AIBU to think that although none of this is unrelated friend's fault, none of it is my doing either and I should not have to do a 7 hour round trip to take someone to a wedding that I am not invited to?? Obviously if I was taking DP anyway that would be different but I am not and there is plenty of time for unrelated friend to sort out his own journey.

Sorry for the massive rant...

OP posts:
Original poster
alltherightfriends · 22/07/2014 21:12

The gluezilla thread was something else...I am quite concerned that I have a friend who so no early measures up to that! Must re-evaluate friendship group...

OP posts:
Original poster
alltherightfriends · 22/07/2014 21:13

So nearly*

OP posts:
KoalaDownUnder · 22/07/2014 21:14

Whoops - sorry

Was saying, everyone is invited to everything - hens or bucks night, and wedding & reception. Makes it simpler, I suppose!

zeezeek · 22/07/2014 21:25

Well, DH and I decided to avoid the whole "wedding" thing and get hitched in Vegas.....but, as academics, a lot of our younger colleagues insist of doing it the proper way. Some have known only him, others have known only me. A couple recently were short on cute little flower girls so asked our DDs even though they didn't know them very well (the girls loved it!). But never, ever, have we been invited to separate parts of a wedding....either all or nothing, especially if it's more than an hour away. Just plain rude.

eddielizzard · 22/07/2014 21:40

very rude. i would not go. i like teenage's reply.

Pipbin · 22/07/2014 22:30

Love it Boris

What does unrelated friend make of it all. How was 'OP is giving you a lift' put to him? What if you had decided to go on somewhere else after the wedding?

Judgypants73 · 22/07/2014 23:21

Re the inviting people to hens and not the wedding, I think if the hen is a local event you are going to invite work colleagues etc to meet up for a drink later in the evening. It's very different to plan a hen with expensive over night stays and invite a core group but not want them at your full wedding.

mamalovesmojitos · 22/07/2014 23:26

Im actually shaking with laughter at this thread! I don't know what's funnier, the posters' reactions or the absolute ridiculousness of the b&g! Are they the rulers of crazytown? Please don't go op. Just. Don't. Go.

HayDayQueen · 22/07/2014 23:55

This all sounds barking!!!

You have some very strange friends, Op.

Loopylala7 · 23/07/2014 00:21

Can't the friend just get public transport?! how bloody cheeky of them

happyzapper · 23/07/2014 08:20

No what relient idiots

Original poster
alltherightfriends · 26/07/2014 00:04

Update...sorry for the delay!

Been out with B&G tonight who both, separately, told me that of course I am welcome to come to the full event in DP's place. No mention of unrelated friend and lifts (although I think they know that we have already spoken to him and that alternative lifts are available). Now feel slightly guilty for my reluctance to attend...

OP posts:
BlinkAndMiss · 26/07/2014 00:09

Don't feel guilty! Clearly, they've had a moment of clarity and realised what utter arses they were being and decided that your friendship is worth more. That's a good thing :) I'd be relieved that people I chose to be friends with were the friends I always assumed them to be.

I still think the invite arrangement is weird though. I'd love to see what would happen if friends tried this with them.

ChasedByBees · 26/07/2014 00:32

That us such a bizarre invite! No eat would I go after their earlier 50% invite but 100% service provider assumption.

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 26/07/2014 06:34

"Of course you are still welcome to come as a taxi service". Can't believe you drove her 5 hours to her ridiculously expensive hen do and still didn't make the cut for the wedding. Personally I wouldn't go, but can see that might be difficult given you've now seen them. It would almost personally spell the end of that level of closeness in the friendship, but I'm not sure I'd mind that after such treatment!

Kuala I would say that it was not normal in the UK not to invite someone who came to an expensive hen weekend away to the wedding (rather than just a local drinks do which you may well invite less close friends/colleagues too also).

But I would also say that it's not normal not to invite established partners (spouses/LTRs/co-habitees) either, but apparently that is increasingly happening these days, so I am clearly not up with what is and isn't OK!

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 26/07/2014 06:35

Koala sorry damn spell check.

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 26/07/2014 06:37

And almost certainly, rather than personally - Freudian slip - was thinking I couldn't help taking it personally!

Noodledoodledoo · 26/07/2014 07:40

I seem to have a reasonable group of friends based on this! Hen night invites do not mean all day invites to wedding we all appreciate the expsnse of the sit down meal but still want to celebrate with bride.

Re inviting partners for my wedding couples were invited on the whole but there were three who werent due to my friendship is with female and barely know the partner. Partners have never met each other at all and would have not enjoyed it. However it was discussed with the three friends prior to invites being sent out. All but one was happy bizarrely from the one whose partner I have met the least once

FunkyBoldRibena · 26/07/2014 07:41

of course I am welcome to come to the full event in DP's place

I'm sorry, but what? You are only invited because your partner can't attend?

Either you are invited or you aren't!

What sort of friends are these people?

diddl · 26/07/2014 08:08

Why on earth do you feel guilty?

I don't know why either of you accepted such a ridiculous invitation tbh.

Not just the half and half, but it also involving a 2 night stay due to distance!

mustbetimeforacreamtea · 26/07/2014 09:20

Wish I'd been there when the b&g were deciding which of the partners made the cut for a full invite. Did your dp do even more for the stag - mind you he'd be going some to do that. Or was it just the men who got the full invite?

Do the b&g have links to the area where they are marrying? Or is this just a dream location that they can only afford by drastically trimming numbers.

I wouldn't go in the circumstances.

Original poster
alltherightfriends · 26/07/2014 10:45

The stag was abroad and DP went on that.

I realised at the hen that I was the only person there who was not going to be at the full wedding. It was 5 hours away and the bride and I were the only ones going from where we live so at the time I thought I had probably been invited for lift purposes again...but I went anyway and it was a lovely (but very expensive) weekend.

The wedding is in the bride's hometown (neither she or I are from where we live). It's not all the men that are invited it's like...DP went to school with G so he is closer so he gets the invite. There are other couples where it is the DW that went to school with the groom so she gets the invite. Bride has done the same with her friends. I don't get it!!

OP posts:
diddl · 26/07/2014 10:49

So are you going to go to any of it?

indigo18 · 26/07/2014 11:01

DD recently went on a hen weekend which involved a flight and 3 night stay in a hotel (bank holiday weekend). She is good friends with the bride, who is also a work colleague. She was the only work friend on the hen (only 7 girls altogether inc bride and 2 sisters). She is attending the wedding but, in common with other work colleagues, is invited alone. (She lives with BF of 2+ years) This pisses me off (not sure about her!) as she is much closer to the bride than the others and it cost her hundreds to go on the hen do.
I also realise that when/if DD marries, she will be expected to invite the couple.

Original poster
alltherightfriends · 26/07/2014 11:04

DP wants me to go, half of me is being obstinate and half of me wants to go, guess I will have to let them know soon though. I'm not sure. It's dp's money that I'd be spending and it seems a bit unfair of me (I've just finished a course and started new job but not been paid yet)

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