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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A wedding one...

103 replies

alltherightfriends · 22/07/2014 10:21

This is the first time I have started a thread here, I'm a long time lurker though.

I just wanted to get peoples opinions really on if I am being silly!! DP and I have been invited to a wedding of some good friends of ours. The wedding is 3.5 hours away but we all actually live within 10 minutes of each other in a different town. DP is invited to the daytime and I am invited to the evening. I was cross about this to begin with as a) we have been together for nearly 10 years, b) the wedding is a fair distance and DP doesn't drive and c) we are all friends and if anything I see more of the bride and groom than DP.

However, I quickly worked out that every couple that is invited is invited in this way - one half to daytime and the other to join them in the evening. I thought that this was quite thoughtless but got over it. Until the bride asked me to please make sure i travelled to the wedding the night before as she was expecting me to give DP and another unrelated friend a lift so that they could be there for the day time...

This angered me as I am not, nor have I ever been a taxi driver, this other friend is not my responsibility at all.
Anyway so (I'm feeling quite tolerant at this point) DP and I book a hotel for the night before and the night of the wedding. I agree to drive unrelated friend to the wedding the night before as well. I make plans to spend the daytime exploring and having lunch with another friend's DH as he isn't invited either. All fine.

So. Now DP has been informed by his work that he is actually scheduled to go on a trip that week and that it is non-negotiable. He travels a lot with his work. He thought he had booked days off for the wedding but doesn't look like he did. He is quite upset about this as the groom is a very good friend. We discuss cancelling our hotel room and me not going either as I am not particularly keen on hanging around a random place to go to the evening do of a wedding without DP when I wasn't invited to the actual wedding. He calls to explain and apologise. Groom is upset but understanding. Asks if I will still go as they are counting on me to take unrelated friend to the day time!!!

AIBU to think that although none of this is unrelated friend's fault, none of it is my doing either and I should not have to do a 7 hour round trip to take someone to a wedding that I am not invited to?? Obviously if I was taking DP anyway that would be different but I am not and there is plenty of time for unrelated friend to sort out his own journey.

Sorry for the massive rant...

OP posts:
Original poster
alltherightfriends · 22/07/2014 17:59

I didn't want to accept in the first place (especially after the taxi request) but I kind of thought I was being unreasonable somehow by expecting the same invitation status (ha) as DP... nobody else seemed fazed by it at all and just accepted it as 'the difficulties of narrowing down the guest list'. Another couple even kindly suggested that I would understand how hard it is when I come to do it myself...I said I would just invite fewer people!

OP posts:
CalamitouslyWrong · 22/07/2014 18:00

It's the fact that the OP is friends with the couple as well as (and sees them more often than) her husband that makes the only inviting one half of the couple thing so mind boggling. Why?

Flipflops7 · 22/07/2014 18:04

No, no, no, you are not an afterthought. Agree TeenageMutant etc's email is just right and all the information they need.

People are becoming really clueless about the most basic norms of behaviour.

diddl · 22/07/2014 18:06

Sorry, just seen that you weren't originally going to go.

When your husband phoned, did he say that if you go, it will only be to the evening-as stated on your invitation??

Original poster
alltherightfriends · 22/07/2014 18:16

As far as I'm aware the only mention of me when DP rang was
Groom "is allthe still coming?"
Dp "I think so"
Groom "oh good so she is still bringing unrelated friend"

At this point I wish dp had said something.... But he didn't and I was not there to poke sense into him!!

OP posts:
diddl · 22/07/2014 18:21

Well whatever you do, you won't be taking the friend, will you?

So I'd let them know asap.

i'm assuming here that if you are offered your husband's place you won't accept?

Have you at least cancelled the night before at the hotel?

Original poster
alltherightfriends · 22/07/2014 18:37

Friend is aware of other people who have spaces in their car. Dp and I made sure they both had a back up plan at the beginning when I was deciding what to do. I don't really know why B&G have focused on that.

No I haven't cancelled any of the hotel yet. I will do so with plenty of time to spare though.

OP posts:
diddl · 22/07/2014 18:49

If there#s plenty of time to organise stuff then I don't see the problem.

People can drop out at the last minute due to unforeseen circs or not turn up on the day due to illness, so a back up is always a good idea!

ZenNudist · 22/07/2014 19:25

Don't go. Friends like this don't last. You will be upgraded to get the present!

Lifts aside, which is cheeky and micromanaging on their part, I 'get' how a group of friends can be invited without dps.

nauticant · 22/07/2014 19:29

I don't really know why B&G have focused on that.

Because they've made THE PLAN. No one, but no one, can disobey THE PLAN for they are bride and groom and it is THEIR BIG DAY.

Original poster
alltherightfriends · 22/07/2014 19:31

I get how friends can be invited without dps too... I went to a wedding last year where all of our bunch of girls from Uni were invited and partners weren't... That was fine and different somehow but I can't put my finger on why! I think because ALL dps are evening only. I would not have been offended if I wasn't invited at all but combined with the fact that it's quite far away it just seems odd.

OP posts:
Judgypants73 · 22/07/2014 19:55

Personally I don't think it's reasonable not to invite a good friend without their oh. But aside from that I gathered that you were good friends with this couple too as were other friends partners.
I would imagine that if you do decide to get married they will expect both of them to be invited as they are proper married couple.

Original poster
alltherightfriends · 22/07/2014 20:29

I thought we were good friends... I was good enough to go on he (ridiculously expensive) hen do and to drive the bride 5 hours to get there. Although...that does seem to be a theme.
But yes, the bride and I have a lot in common and I would have said that we were good friends (although I was friends with groom first).

OP posts:
KoalaDownUnder · 22/07/2014 20:40

So...why did they invite all the couples this way, then (half to the daytime and the other half only to the evening)? I don't get it.

Original poster
alltherightfriends · 22/07/2014 20:46

Beats me!

OP posts:
BlinkAndMiss · 22/07/2014 20:50

I understand that DPs are not always invited to weddings together but this all sounds a bit odd. You are both friends with both of them, you went to the hen do so I don't understand why your friends have only invited your DP to all of it and you to the night do. Similarly with the other couples in your friendship group. I'd be questioning how they viewed 'our' friendship if this was me.

I'd probably end up going to the night do as planned, but I wouldn't be giving lifts to people unless the were going/leaving at the same time as me. And then I'd have a serious think about my friendship with them, maybe this couple are destined for the 'acquaintance' shelf.

NoodleOodle · 22/07/2014 20:51

Yanbu. Reply: Thank you for thee kind invite and a half to your wedding. Due to DP's work commitments, we are now unable to attend. Wishing you all the bet for your party and life as a married couple.

Don't even mention driving. If they ask again, feign surprise and say "Oh, I'm sorry, did you not get my reply that we are now unable to attend?"

Original poster
alltherightfriends · 22/07/2014 20:53

Invite and a half! That made me laugh Smile

OP posts:
NoodleOodle · 22/07/2014 20:53

Well, maybe best not to mention the half an invite part.

LindyHemming · 22/07/2014 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KoalaDownUnder · 22/07/2014 20:53

I think Noodle's got the right idea.

Is it normal in the UK to invite someone the hen's do but not the actual wedding then (as opposed to just the evening part)?

LittleBearPad · 22/07/2014 20:56

Their approach to invites is bewildering.

Enjoy sitting on your beach with wine.

borisgudanov · 22/07/2014 21:01

The SI unit of wedding unreasonableness is the Gluey, which is defined such that a bride who sends save the day notes followed by a series of demands to decorate the venue instead of an actual invite and then slags you off to her pals when you say no is rated 1 Gluey.

I think this one's about 0.85 Glueys.

raffle · 22/07/2014 21:02

koala I had tons of work friends that came to my hen do (the night club part) and they didn't attend my wedding ceremony, just the evening reception.

KoalaDownUnder · 22/07/2014 21:12

Thanks raffle - fair enough, then.

I'm quite confused by the wedding threads on here lately. In Australia, mostly evet