Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To think that spending time with DD is more important than housework?

128 replies

prettyinpink90 · 22/07/2014 09:31

I'm currently on maternity leave with DD who is 15 weeks old.
Last night me and DP got into an argument after he commented that I had been saying I would sort through one of the bedrooms (currently being decorated) for over a week now and I couldn't expect things to get done when I was out 'enjoying' myself all of the time.

I do try and get out at least 3-4 days a week to do activities with DD such as swimming, baby massage, etc and feel this is important before my return to work in January. Housework is done around this as well as in the evening and at the weekend. DP comes home daily to his dinner on the table, work clothes led out and packed lunch made for the next day. He is never asked to do any of the housework and I am happy to do this myself.

AIBU to think that spending time with DD is more important than doing the housework during the day? I feel as if DP resents that I am on maternity leave and do not have to go out to work.

OP posts:

SueDoku · 22/07/2014 15:42

I think that people can only go by their own experience; when my DC were small, I spent a lot of time taking them to the park, paddling pool etc, and playing with them - and my house was a tip, while my friend (with DCs of very similar ages) 'had' to vacuum, dust, tidy and get the washing out every single day before she was happy to leave the house.

Our DC are all adults, grown and with families of their own - they all look back on childhood with pleasure and have many happy memories - but my friend has told me that she really regrets not spending more time with her DC and less doing housework.

No moral to this - just the fact that we were (and are) very different in our approach to housework - and yet all our DC have happy memories. OP, follow your instincts.

tobeabat · 22/07/2014 15:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ApocalypseThen · 22/07/2014 16:21

I find it hard to believe the number of women who think that maternity leave is look after your poor husband, you lazy slattern leave. When, in Project 1950s, is a woman supposed to recover from childbirth and becoming a mother? Or do those things not matter because it's not putting dinner on the table?

seaweed123 · 22/07/2014 16:32

"Looking after a baby is not a full time job"

Well, I've been tracking feeds lately, and I spend the same number of hours per week simply feeding and winding my baby as my dh works in a week. That's not counting nappies, dressing, playing, reading, bathing, etc.

So technically it is a full time job.

Xmasbaby11 · 22/07/2014 16:55

I think this depends on so many things, such as how much sleep you get at night and how much baby naps at home. By 15 weeks with dd1 I was getting a decent amount of sleep and she was fairly easy. In nap time I easily managed to keep on top of housework, house jobs cooking etc - as well as going out every day. With dd2 though it is much harder and I have done much less. Dh and I are both having to do a lot more chores inthe evening to keep up with them. You do what you can - but your child comes first.

MagicMojito · 22/07/2014 17:08

Well your doing better than me OP, I have never taken either of my two to any organised activities. I've been letting pepper pig babysit my 2 year old whilst I take care of my 4 week old and its only 50/50 whether dh comes home to a tidy house or not (although dinner is always either ready or will be ready very soon only because I enjoy a proper tea, otherwise it probably wouldnt get done either )

Although I do agree stop saying you'll get it done. Tell him you'll try to get it done as and when you can be arsed

...and I loved the poems too

Philoslothy · 22/07/2014 17:44

I am on baby number five and have found none of then to be a full time job, even combined, that includeda are eldest with special needs. This is so aubjective, depending on what you consider to be work, what you consider to be full time, the nature of each child, your temperament and your family dynamic.

DD was born a few months ago, she just blends in with what I am doing. If she wants feeding, I whip out a boob, if she wants to sleep she either goes to bed or snoozes on me. Often I read while she snoozes.

Pumpkinpositive · 22/07/2014 17:52

People are talking generally. I joined in and did not realise that I was breaking any hidden MN rules. I will go an find some domestic slavery to get in with.

No don't. I thought your replies were hilarious. The poems were not to my er... tastes either.

In this case though I don't think OP is being unreasonable, except perhaps for creating expectation an that she would sort the room. Hubby seems fairly well catered for. Tell him to sort the room out.

mumminio · 22/07/2014 17:59

+1 for letting him take sole charge of the baby for a day. If you want, you could sort out the bedroom in that time. then sleep, as you no doubt deserve to He may be more appreciative after that.

serendippity · 22/07/2014 18:23

philoslothy I was going to say that people are responding rudely to your posts because you are being rude and preachy. Then I read a post from you apologising and saying you get defensive because you feel lucky, and changed my mind. Then I read your latest post and changed my mind again. Good for you for finding 5 children, a huge house and a million hours of housework so easy. A lot of people do not.
The poems were also not to my taste, doesn't mean that I'd say they were a load of rubbish. You are being rude and you are being preachy. And judgy.

Moving on prettyinpink I myself promised to try and decorate the hall while my wonderful "easy" newborn slept. I was still pregnant when I promised this and it took approx 10 minutes after she was born to realise this was not going to happen
By 15 weeks I was just about venturing down the road to baby groups, but still felt like an emotional milking machine and was still slightly floored by the magnitude of having a baby, so it sounds like you're doing brilliantly.
Doing the room with your dh is an idea, but he has to realise your DC comes first, and your needs too at the moment.
Basic housework, yes, I'm not saying all new mums should drown in a tidal wave of dirt and mess whilst gazing adoringly at their newborn, but not a project like clearing out a room (or decorating a hall)
Plus it sounds like you do a lot anyway in terms of things you do for your DH, so I feel he needs to be reminded how lucky he is!

Philoslothy · 22/07/2014 18:32

So I am considered rude because I don't find housework hard. I did not say nobody found it hard, I acknowledged my own low standards and lazy nature and that a lot of this is subjective and somehow I am overly judgy.

We all find different things in life hard.

I feel incredibly lucky to be at home with my children. We could not afford for me to be at home with my first Bd it broke my heart. I often wonder if his difficulties are linked to the fact that I returned to work within a few weeks. I will not paint my life as some kind of drudgery because it just isn't.

Philoslothy · 22/07/2014 18:34

I have also not claimed that my children are easy because of any great parenting skills, I am just lucky. That is it. I would be daft to judge others for not having what I have because of luck.

Maybe baby number six will be more challenging.

serendippity · 22/07/2014 18:54

Not not considered rude in any way because you don't find housework hard.

"Poems like that make me want to puke. I Have 5 children of my own and a stepson, my house is spotless and they have never been neglected"

That is judgy. And Rude.

And your description of your typical day. Great. Sounds Lovely, and I am a little envious. But it sounds smug and, again, judgy because other people don't manage it.

Yes you have said you lack in areas, and, yes you are clearly lucky both of which is totally fine. I simply disagree with the tone of your posts.
Nothing personal and good luck with number 6.

serendippity · 22/07/2014 18:58

As a slight turnaround btw, I highly doubt if your ds's difficulties is any way linked to your going back to work. You obviously didn't have a choice, and are obviously a devoted mother.
Sorry I should have acknowledged that in my above post.

Philoslothy · 22/07/2014 19:08

I was not judging anyone I was responding to the accusation that my children must be neglected because I make the beds and sweep the floors.

There is nothing amazing about my life, the only thing I succeed at is mediocrity. I sure that other mothers have busier days than me precisely because that are better at mothering than me, something I have repeatedly acknowledged. I was just making the point that being a SAHM can be rather laid back, because if I can manage it, it can't be that hard.

Thankyou for the kind words about my son, if only I could be certain that they were true. I did have a choice, I could have waited to have children, I could have married a man who did not have an existing family to support or we could have cut our cloth accordingly. It almost amuses me that anybody could think that I am smug about my parenting when I have got it so wrong .

serendippity · 22/07/2014 19:22

Oh Philoslothy. You made choices like we all have and they are not always easy or the right ones. And everything is always easy in hindsight (clichéd but true).
I certainly wouldn't say it sounds like you have got in wrong.
Your journey to your current life does not sound an easy one, and in some ways your life now doesn't sound easy.
I still don't like the tone of some of you posts, but perhaps I myself am also guilty of being a bit judgy about you.

Osmiornica · 22/07/2014 19:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BravePotato · 22/07/2014 19:43

You do too much.

Tasks taken on by wives during maternity leave, tend to dnd up being their tasks for the remainder of the marriage.

Laying out clothes for him...what is he, a toddler?!

Philoslothy · 22/07/2014 19:49

Serendippity I am sure I was judged with good reason, I can be a bit of an insensitive cow. In fact scrap the bit of, I am an insensitive cow. I don't fit in on here precisely because of that. No wonder my children don't bother me!

serendippity · 22/07/2014 20:13

You're outspoken...therefor of course you fit

morethanpotatoprints · 22/07/2014 20:21

Philoslothy

I think you have it far from wrong
Sometimes, your posts come across as being judgy, but I'm one to talk.

I know what you mean about being a sahp, for some it can be very laid back, for others very stressful and busy. It's the same as anything else, whatever you make it.

tiggerkid · 22/07/2014 20:46

15 weeks is just over 3 months, not even half a year yet. That's still a very young baby, and maternity leave isn't going to last forever. Enjoy the time you get to spend with your DD while you can. Housework is one of those things that never end and it's the kind of work, which is often taken for granted, goes unnoticed and unappreciated, so it definitely can wait!

Phineyj · 22/07/2014 21:03

It has never occurred to me to make DH's packed lunch or lay out his clothes for work. I'm not his mum!

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 22/07/2014 21:16

Im the same, I couldnt tell you what dh would have as a packed lunch as ive never made him one.

I intend to iron his work clothes when I go off on Maternity only because he irons daily (and only hos work clothes) which means the iron and board is out permanently. If I am off ill do his work clothes once a week so I can put the bastard ironing board away

Trills · 22/07/2014 21:19

I had been saying I would sort through one of the bedrooms

If you keep saying you will do it, then do it.

If it turns out that you can't/won't/don't want to do it, say "I am not going to do it".

Don't keep saying you will do it if you won't.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6