Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To think that spending time with DD is more important than housework?

128 replies

prettyinpink90 · 22/07/2014 09:31

I'm currently on maternity leave with DD who is 15 weeks old.
Last night me and DP got into an argument after he commented that I had been saying I would sort through one of the bedrooms (currently being decorated) for over a week now and I couldn't expect things to get done when I was out 'enjoying' myself all of the time.

I do try and get out at least 3-4 days a week to do activities with DD such as swimming, baby massage, etc and feel this is important before my return to work in January. Housework is done around this as well as in the evening and at the weekend. DP comes home daily to his dinner on the table, work clothes led out and packed lunch made for the next day. He is never asked to do any of the housework and I am happy to do this myself.

AIBU to think that spending time with DD is more important than doing the housework during the day? I feel as if DP resents that I am on maternity leave and do not have to go out to work.

OP posts:

araiba · 22/07/2014 11:47

"I had been saying I would sort through one of the bedrooms (currently being decorated) for over a week now "

so you have been lying about doing something for over a week.

If you feel that you can't do it, then stop saying you will but doing other stuff instead and instead work as a partnership to get the bedroom sorted at a mutually agreed time. maybe on his next day off, he can go swimming and you do the room or he will just do it if you feel unable to.

ICanSeeTheSun · 22/07/2014 12:01

I had very good intentions of what I wanted to do on maternity leave ( before I went on ML) but realistically by 15 weeks then you tend to know what you can't get done.

For over a week she has been promising to sort out the bedroom, instead of saying I can't do it.

Happy36 · 22/07/2014 12:05

You are not being unreasonable. You should spend as much time as you can with your daughter...you will.never have this time again. Your husband could do.the chores himself, or pay for a cleaner.

fairylightsintheloft · 22/07/2014 12:06

sorry - honestly nearly all of the babies I know from my "mum friends" have done the 3 nap, 2 nap, 1 nap thing! Must have a lucky bunch of friends

Philoslothy · 22/07/2014 12:23

Add message | Report | Message poster Happy36 Tue 22-Jul-14 12:05:22
You are not being unreasonable. You should spend as much time as you can with your daughter...you will.never have this time again. Your husband could do.the chores himself, or pay for a cleaner.

So while my husband is out at work all day I should do what exactly, even doing 90% of the housework and caring for a large family I have oodles of leisure time! now I need more?

RedHairpiece · 22/07/2014 12:37

Philoslothy, why are you making this thread about you and getting so defensive?

Replies are to the OP yet you are making several about you and then replying as if people have a vendetta against you and your situation

Tortoiseturtle · 22/07/2014 12:40

I think you could fit in an extra task like this while the baby is asleep or playing. I don't blame your DP for expecting you to fit in a bit more than just basic housework.

Philoslothy · 22/07/2014 12:42

People are talking generally. I joined in and did not realise that I was breaking any hidden MN rules. I will go an find some domestic slavery to get in with.

FunkyBoldRibena · 22/07/2014 12:42

Hello love.

Maternity leave is about looking after the baby.

All other house related tasks really need to be shared out between you. This means that whoever is looking after the baby during the evenings for example, shouldn't be having to do other tasks as well, whilst the other parent sits on their arse all evening.

RedHairpiece · 22/07/2014 12:43

Yes, go and have a little flounce, Philoslothy

Philoslothy · 22/07/2014 12:46

I am not going to ask, " did you mean to be so rude? " because you clearly did.

Can I ask why you are being so rude to me.

I was answering the OPs wider question, I did not want to be seen to be personally attacking her or making assumptions so was making reference to my own life as an ( albeit very lazy) SAHM.

Openup41 · 22/07/2014 12:49

Forestmushroom
I did not have much cash for doing activities either whilst on both of my ML.

With dc1 I attended a mother and baby class once a week. That is it!

With dc2 I stayed home almost every day and collected dc1 from school. I had no local friends. I have never done so much housework in my life. The weekdays blended into one another.

I used to see other mothers hanging out at local independent coffee shops and feel a little .

Philoslothy · 22/07/2014 12:51

Anyway returning to the OP, I do think that if you cannot declutter the spare room you just need to say to him, I can't do it. Perhaps he is frustrated not by the fact that you have not done it but the fact that you said that you would and have not. Perhaps he would like to get on and do it himself but does not want to imply that he is finding fault in you by doing something you said you were going to.

Perhaps approach the issue of division of labour in terms of having equal leisure time.

FrozenAteMyDaughter · 22/07/2014 12:55

I think there is a difference between being on maternity leave and being a SAHM longer term. If you are a SAHM then you have basically agreed between you that one of you will take care of the financial side of things and the other will take care of the homefront - so this includes childcare while the other parent is at work and much of the housework and life maintenance I suppose - paying bills, organising the children's activities etc.

Big projects like redecoration, sorting rooms etc may still be a shared task but I guess that is for the couple concerned to decide, possibly depending on the stages the children are at - whether they are still at home during the day or now at school.

Maternity leave is different though, particularly the early stages (and I reckon 15 weeks is still the early days). First of all, you have to recover from the birth and that can take a long time in some situations (it was several weeks before I was back to normal physically and mentally). Then you have to get into some sort of rhythm with the baby and some babies take longer than others to settle into any sort of routine. But also, you do need to get out and about with them and spending time at activities like swimming, baby groups, baby massage, whatever, is far more about the parent maintaining sanity than anything else. I would have gone stir crazy at home clearing rooms during maternity leave. Even basic housework was beyond me in the early days.

That said, ICan is probably right, if that is the case, stop over-promising - if it is guilt speaking then stop feeling guilty. What you say you are doing is more than enough on maternity leave but it probably will prevent rows if you are a bit more realistic about what you are likely to get done.

ICanSeeTheSun · 22/07/2014 12:57

Op can I ask what this room is going to be used for.

I suspect it may be the baby's bedroom so sorting out that room for decorating is emotionally hard.

RedHairpiece · 22/07/2014 12:57

Philoslothy, your posts have been snappy and abrasive, not to mention defensive :)

jacks365 · 22/07/2014 12:58

Op can I ask how much of the housework did yoyr dp do prior to you going on ml? Also did you volunteer to do the room or is it expected of you?

morethanpotatoprints · 22/07/2014 13:00

Are all these activities necessary for a baby? We didn't do any of them, not even swimming.
I do think you should do housework if you are a sahp , but you do this anyway.
Its hard when they are little and its more important spending time with them than doing housework.
I used to leave the mess until they had a nap, if they did
Then the rest would be done at night or just left. It will still be there tomorrow.

Philoslothy · 22/07/2014 13:03

I do sometimes feel very guilty that my life is so easy when my husband works hard. I guess I am defensive about the fact that I am a lazy spoilt mare. That is a reflection of me and not the OP .

I am sorry.

FrozenAteMyDaughter · 22/07/2014 13:14

Don't feel guilty Philoslothy. Being. SAHM is a hard job and doesn't come with a natural start and end like WOH. If your DH is making you feel guilty then he is an arse and if it is you that is doing it toyourself then make a list of what yyou do and think how much all that benefits the family. Unless you are mainlines tea and Jeremy Kyle all day, which it doesn't sound like you are, you have no reason to feel guilty.

Topaz25 · 22/07/2014 13:25

You are doing well and it sounds like he is taking you for granted. There is no reason he can't sort his own dinner, work clothes and packed lunch and I would suggest he does that if he wants you to do more around the house. At the end of the day he is an adult and your DD is a child, she shouldn't have to miss out on quality time with you so that you can do more for him. Also as you are on maternity leave, if you are planning to go back to work at any point it is a good idea to sort out a more equal division of chores now so it doesn't come as a shock to him, it wouldn't be fair for you to be expected to do all the housework when you are both working.

Philoslothy · 22/07/2014 13:27

I am going to get told off again for making this about me.

My husband is not an arse and he would never make me feel guilty, but I do.

I don't find being a SAHM hard work, it is to me one long holiday.

My husband will be out of the house working for 12 hours today. This is my day:
6-7 breakfast and reading the paper
7-11 housework
11-12 ish I made a picnic for the children to have in the garden. I then fed dd while they all played in the pool
I will do some gardening and my eldest DD will watch youngest dd while I go for a horseride with dd 2
We are then going to do some painting as a family
We are having a BBQ this evening which I will prep this evening.
My DH will be home at about 7pm.

Tortoiseturtle · 22/07/2014 13:39

Looking after a baby is not a full time job. I'd have thought that you would be able to fit in a lot of other stuff. Maternity leave is a lovely thing for the mother, and it is unfair that the dad doesn't benefit from it. This will hopefully change at least a little when the new shared parental leave right comes in next year.

jacks365 · 22/07/2014 13:41

philoslothy I note that you have dc old enough to not only look after themselves but the younger ones too which changes things, however I would remind you thatqwe are not discussing a sahm but a woman on ml with a 15week old baby, a woman who is also financially providing for the family. It is not the same.

Philoslothy · 22/07/2014 13:45

I am currently on maternity leave with a baby of a very similar age. Until a few months ago I was working full time as a teacher. I want another baby and therefore I doubt that I will go back to work once my maternity leave has expired so I refer to myself as a SAHM.

Howevee I fully admit to being a lazy sod and am sure that the OP does much more than me. I am very lucky to have lots of other children who help out.

I do think that equal amounts of leisure time is the key to getting the balance right, not something we have managed ourselves.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6