To think that spending time with DD is more important than housework?

[prettyinpink90]

I'm currently on maternity leave with DD who is 15 weeks old.
Last night me and DP got into an argument after he commented that I had been saying I would sort through one of the bedrooms (currently being decorated) for over a week now and I couldn't expect things to get done when I was out 'enjoying' myself all of the time.

I do try and get out at least 3-4 days a week to do activities with DD such as swimming, baby massage, etc and feel this is important before my return to work in January. Housework is done around this as well as in the evening and at the weekend. DP comes home daily to his dinner on the table, work clothes led out and packed lunch made for the next day. He is never asked to do any of the housework and I am happy to do this myself.

AIBU to think that spending time with DD is more important than doing the housework during the day? I feel as if DP resents that I am on maternity leave and do not have to go out to work.

I think that you husband is unreasonable to expect things done but as someone with a baby I don't think it is unreasonable to do housework while caring for a baby. They eat, poo and sleep at that age.

YANBU

This is one of my favourite poems. Print it out for DH?

^I hope my child looks back on today
And remembers a mother who had time to play.
There will be years and years for cleaning and cooking,
But children grow up when you’re not looking.
Tomorrow I’ll do all the chores you can mention
But today, my baby needs time and attention.
So settle down cobwebs; dust go to sleep,
I’m cuddling my baby, and babies don’t keep.^

I've got a nearly 2 year old and another due imminently. I rush through housework first thing and then we go out and play all day.

My house isn't a show home but it's not messy or dirty. If there are big jobs to be done (like clearing rooms out) I wait until DH is off and we do them together.

You need to set this precedent NOW in my opinion :)

Here's a few more wise words

My dishes went unwashed today
I didn’t make the bed
I took his hand and followed
Where his eager footsteps led.

Oh yes, we went adventuring
My little child and I
Exploring all the great outdoors
Beneath the sun and sky.

We watched a robin feed her young
We climbed a sunlit hill
Saw cloud-sheep scamper through the sky
We plucked a daffodil.

That my house was so neglected
That I didn’t brush the stairs
In twenty years no one on earth
Will know or even care.

But that I’ve helped my little child
To see and learn and grow
In twenty years the whole wide world
May look and see and know.

^That I didn't mop the floor today
That I didn't sweep the stair
In 20 years time no one will know
or even care
But the time that I've shared with my children today
Will be in their memories forever, to stay^

...........

^Come in, but don't expect to find
All dishes done, all floors ashine.
Observe the crumbs and toys galore.
The smudgy prints upon the door.
The little ones we shelter here
Don't thrive on a spotless atmosphere.
They're more inclined to disarray
And carefree even messy play.
Their needs are great, their patience small.
All day I'm at their beck and call.
It's Mummy come! Mummy see!
Wiggly worms and red scraped knee.
Painted pictures, blocks piled high.
My floors unshined, the days go by.
Some future day they'll flee this nest,
And I at last will have a rest!
Now you tell me which matters more,
A happy child or a polished floor?^

Mega italics fail!

Poems like that make me want to puke. I Have 5 children of my own and a stepson, my house is spotless and they have never been neglected.

I think you need to make a stand now, OP, and emphasise to him that you are on maternity leave, not domestic slave leave. Otherwise everything domestic will become your "job" and he'll start expecting more and more of you, even when you're back at work.

I am not a domestic slave, I am a woman with huge amounts of spare time while my husband is working to pay for my hobbies, the least that I can do is a bit of housework.

I think the poems were quite nice!

I quite liked the poems too!

They are bollocks

My dishes went unwashed today
You probably have a dishwasher, it takes a few minutes, if your child cannot entertain themselves for a few minutes there is a problem. SEN issues aside.
I didn’t make the bed
Most of us have duvets, you air it while in the shower and then pull the duvet straight, it takes seconds.

Oh yes, we went adventuring
My little child and I
Exploring all the great outdoors
Beneath the sun and sky.
You can do that and fill the dishwasher and make the bed. You are making up excuses for being lazy.

That my house was so neglected
That I didn’t brush the stairs
In twenty years no one on earth
Will know or even care.
Twenty years later I remember being raised in a hovel.

The poems are lovely.

OP YANBU. Being off with a new baby is exhausting and I found it very hard to get housework done when both my DC were small (and didn't nap). In fact, I still find it hard now that DS is one and prone to climbing things when my back is turned.

DH soon learned how all-consuming it is when I left him with them for a weekend...We now have a cleaner

I loved those poems too although with DD off to Reception shortly, almost anything like that makes me sob into my tea.

1 thing that really winds me up is when people promise to do things then don't do it.

Op I would just tell him that at the moment you are busy with a new born baby and you haven't got the time to sort the bedroom out.

Just for future reference don't promise things you can deliver on.

Oh for goodness sake, ICan, promising to do things you then discover you can't do is a classic maternity leave problem. You look at all the hours you won't be at work, think babies sleep a lot and forget entirely that you will be worn out from the nights and probably need to rest when they sleep. People plan to start new businesses, finish PhDs, redecorate the house, all sorts of things.

Plus the OP is clearly doing loads for her DH. I don't blame him for looking at ther days out and feeling jealous but he forgets how isolating it can be to be stuck indoors with a baby. At least at work there are peeople around and stimulating (hopefully) work to pur your mind to. Not so with a newborn.

Agree with him you will do it one weekend, OP, while he looks after the baby - he can then have some fun taking her out somewhere on his own.

Those poems were probably written years ago.... 'Sweep the stairs' well before hoovers then?

And you can divide your time alone between sorting out the bedroom and chilling by yourself with a cup of tea (or whatever you fancy).

Wooo touched a nerve there philoslothy?

Fwiw, my house isn't a hovel. I'm just not a slave to housework at the expense of spending time with my children, as some people I know (in rl) are. And I think it's sad.

I didn't mean to imply that your house was a hovel. The one thing that gets on my tits on here ( that is a lie I spend most of my time thinking WTF) is the idea that you need to stop doing housework and dedicate your life to your child. I run a large house, I easily manage to fit in around 3-4 hours of housework a day with raising a large family and other projects - and I am one lazy fuck.

The poems are talking about basic household chores, not a housework obsession.

If he is leaving the responsibility of housework for you, then it is up to you how and when you do it.

If your DC was 15mths, I would say just play at housework together, but 15 weeks - I had barely recovered!

(and why can he not sort his own work clothes out? He's the one going there. Is he an extra child?)

I have good intentions all the time but very rarely see them through - real life gets in the way! I was very lucky in that dh saw childcare as my "job" and still did half of the house stuff. He still would rather I did nice things with the dcs than spent time on housework. To be fair it works both ways though because at the weekend he often does things with the dcs while I do a big job in the house.

If there are big jobs to be done (like clearing rooms out) I wait until DH is off and we do them together.

^^this.

It sounds as if you are well on top of the essentials, OP. Your DH has a cooked meal, clean clothes, dishes done, packed lunch made. Room clearing is major project work, not routine housework and should definitely be done together - it will go faster too if you do it that way.

Oh yes and with a 15 week old I was still working on being able to leave the house and functioning with no sleep - he doesn't know how lucky he is!

You could be me, OP. Except my husband hasn't ever complained - but he did suggest getting a cleaner once a fortnight to do a deep clean of the kitchen (I'm resisting - would be great but too embarrassing)!

The way I see it, I'm only going to get maternity leave with my pfb once and I'm going to make the most of it. So I'm also doing loads of groups - for my benefit really, more than the baby. The money is irrelevant to DH, imo, as I pay for them out of my spends. I'm still on full pay, and when that drops we will make it up from money we both saved for that purpose. So I feel I can spend my spare money on whatever I like.

I do keep on top of day to day tidying, mostly make dinner, do shopping, etc. I try to do as much as possible, to keep weekends free for family stuff. But some days I get absolutely nothing done, due to cluster feeding all day, or the wee guy kicking off, and I don't apologise for that.

If someone could explain how to make my baby have 3 naps per day, that would be nice.

unless your baby is very unusual, at 15 weeks she will be having about 3 naps a day - not really unreasonable to think you might do an extra task during that time

HAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAA!

Are you kidding? Ds2 didnt sleep at all during the day til he was 10 months old (when i went back to work so the CMer got the benefit of it) at 15 weeks (classic growth spurt stage=increased feeding) i hadnt a hope in hell of clearing out a bedroom. I just about managed to get showered every day.