things you can/can't do in your own garden - a list

[GretchenWiener]

right
So according to many recent threads ( YES IT IS A THREAD ABOUT A FRICKEN THREAD)

you may

1. let your child scream

you may not

1. bbq

PLease add so i know

1. bbq

2 Build a climbing frame that your neighbours will be able to see

1. Let your dc swing/bounce higher than the fence/hedge
2. smoke ( unclear)
3. Perform sexual services
4. iron in your cruds
5. play music louder than a whisper
6. mow your lawn

9 Let your kids out before 9 am on a weekend or 8 on a weekday (if you really have to let them out at all) 10 let teenagers do any kind of noise ( this does not count for toddlers who are cute and thereby immune) 11. let your cat leave the garden without frisking him for filled nappy sacks of his own poo which he needs to bin himself 12. mow your lawn in teeny tiny white trunks 13. Rev any wheeled vehicle for 15 minutes in the drive whilst looking like a DFS leather sofa 14. have a growling dog that you allow to jump at the fence between the houses scaring my kids shitless every time 15 own pointless windchimes 16. have a security light rendering the whole area like a Supermax penitentiary, particularly if set off by a cat's fart 17. let the neighbourhood down by leaving washing out overnight 18. sneak into anyones pool when they are away

So what's on the can list?

You can sit quietly n the dark, whilst your kids are playing naively inside, having swum at the gym and grilled your dinner indoors

Oh, and in the case of lovely NDN, erect a lovely new fence hand painted in a Farrow and Ball soft green.

weeps

i KNOW
or read some Victorian literature making sure there is no noise from pages turning

Ooh I remember the sneaky-swimmer thread.

The sheer brass neck!

Hang up washing in haphazard fashion. MN code dictates that pegs should be matching. Tops should be hung from the bottom and bottoms from the top. Or is it the other way round?

Never park a caravan on your drive, making your neighbour's front room so dark she has to have the light on all day. (poor auntie)

Wind chimes are the invention of the devil and belong in the 7th circle of hell.

jennifer amend your objection to owning a caravan at all.

Disclaimer static caravans on dedicated caravan sites are excluded.

My ndn yesterday spent all day noisily erecting a play house, with much cursing.
Then when he was done, spent the rest of the day screeching at the children for playing exuberantly around said Wendy house.
(They weren't allowed to use the door )

Poor kids. :(

I concur, TSS

Yes, to matching pegs. Goes without saying, surely?

you should not hang your knickers on the washing line as it will attract perverts

TS I refuse to believe farrow and ball have a shade called simply ' soft green' !!

Leave your poor dog home alone for hours on end, barking mournfully.

Right. I'm off to the gym. Who's keeping up ?

If you get rats in the garden because of NDN's eleventy million bird feeders - you must love and cherish them and NOT call out exterminators or use any other kind of preventative measures.

you may not

• feed foxes especially if you're over weight, recently had more than one yorkshire pud at Toby Carvery, and especially when wearing an offensive t-shirt or reading the Daily Mail.
• allow any animals of any kind in the garden, particularly those that go woof and meow that may interrupt me watching the latest riveting episode of Antique's Roadshow
• have ragey and angry domestic arguments. No, you will not find a lawyer to divorce you at 2am.
• Singing of any kind
• Noise of any kind - especially despicable acts such as laughter and cheering

Perhaps we can think of suitable punishments too?

These may include (but not limited to ;) ):

• Loudly tutting and huffing from the nearest open window
• Indiscriminate staring
• Strongly worded hand written complaints punched through the letterbox

Do not hang underwear on the line if by any chance it could possibly be seen by people walking down the road.

wind chimes are fucking awful, our neighbours had them right beneath our bedroom window, the slightest breeze and they'd be tinkling away.

I'd like to add:

have a bonfire on a gloriously sunny day when everyone's windows are open and washing is out - bonfire smoke, whilst a nicer smell, is way more pervasive than BBQ smoke. Save it for a miserable autumn evening, ffs.

have an unneutered tom cat. You may not realise what an unpleasant creature your darling pet is, but you can be sure your neighbours do, with your cat spraying all over their garden, and, if they're really lucky, inside their house, and attacking your neighbours cats, also, on occasion, inside their house, resulting in a blood-spattered duvet and cat with ear half ripped off.

I really wish there could be some way of getting everyone to co-ordinate their grass-mowing, rather than there being a continual mowing noise for the whole weekend.

If you must grow vegetables in your garden, ensure you have a full H&S certificate. And that any sticks/canes are well sited away from anything with full protective covering and warning signs every 6in.

I've been hand wringing about something.....is it acceptable to allow a two year old play the garden in a tshirt, nappy and crocs? Or should she have to wear leggings? It's hot.

no one? RIght carry on as you are and I will number later

you should also keep chickens and bees

if so much as an inch of branch from a neighbour's tree or bush protrudes into your garden the you are within your rights to hack it down without permission. However should any neighbour attempt to prune your shrubbery then you should call the police

She shouldn't be out there at all,scarlet. She should be reading a book quietly before (quiet) piano practice. And if she can't read, then teach her, what sort of parent are you if your 2 yr old can't read?

And crocs are never acceptable.

Nancy but only if the chickens and bees are trained to only make noise between the hours of 10 and 4.

Crocs are never acceptable?
But that's the only thing my 4 year old wears in the garden.

Do you have a high enough fence to ensure no one can see? If that's the case then that will do until you can persuade her to see the error of her ways.

I am, of course assuming you didn't buy them for her.