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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask DP to share the state of his finances with me?

110 replies

ParadoxicalCat · 20/07/2014 12:28

Basically we're starting to look at buying a house together and, while he knows exactly how much I've saved up, he won't tell me how much money he has.

Given that I am currently the one doing all the research on houses/mortgages etc, AIBU to want to know how much he has in savings so that I know how much we can reasonably afford between us?

OP posts:
WeBelieveInLove · 20/07/2014 14:13

In that case I'd say he's not ready to commit.
I would put it on hold until he's willing to engage actively and fully to the house hunting.

ImperialBlether · 20/07/2014 14:13

Maybe you could both live in the house that you own, then and he could rent his out. Oh but if he's not transparent with his money, that wouldn't work either, would it?

ChelsyHandy · 20/07/2014 14:28

You're very indulgent of him OP. He is very evasive. That's as much as I can tell.

I think he's got things very well sorted for himself. You buy the house, he keeps whatever savings he has, he gets to be a SAHD at some distant point in the future due to some mysterious ability he has to become self employed while working in the same workplace as you which you don't have...sounds like a great recipe for a secret life or something!

Honestly, I wouldn't put up with that bull. How on earth can you decide what value of property to buy if you don't know whether or not he is putting anything into the deposit?

He doesn't want to buy a property jointly with you. I think you should probably start listening to what he is telling you, and stop the nagging.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/07/2014 14:35

There are not many other reasons I can think of for taking such a huge financial risk or for spending 4 years with someone who is not prepared to be open and honest with you

Original poster
ParadoxicalCat · 20/07/2014 14:43

Any investment in a house will be protected as much as I can.

We would be sitting down right now and going through finances if my darn online bank wasn't down for maintenance. He has been open about everything else and has been a darn good partner for 6 years and a darn good friend for about 15 years before that. That is why I am willing to sort this out so that we can start becoming home owners.

Chelsy - we work in the same place but we do different jobs. While I could do the odd bit of work from home it doesn't lend itself to self employment like his work does.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/07/2014 14:47

Fair enough then I take back that comment.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 20/07/2014 14:52

No, no, no, no, no.

Red flags everywhere.

Don't misunderstand the problem here. It isn't the finances - it's HIM. His attitude. A good person who planned to be a honest, equal partner simply wouldn't be acting like this.

Be very careful before you go ANY further with this person as a life partner. Do not ignore these warning signs.

What do I think -

I think he's got things very well sorted for himself. You buy the house, he keeps whatever savings he has, he gets to be a SAHD at some distant point in the future due to some mysterious ability he has to become self employed while working in the same workplace as you which you don't have...

This ^^

And - if you've been together this long, it's pretty weird that you don't know the situation with his savings as well as he does. That's pretty much not normal. By this stage, with living together too, he's been pretty evasive and secretive to keep all this from you. Not a good trait. Beware, and don't let the length of time you've known each other and been together blind you to the real situation.

Original poster
ParadoxicalCat · 20/07/2014 15:01

Thanks Socks, I appreciate that.

BrunoBrookes - while we pay an equal amount of everything in utilities, rent, tax etc (and this has never caused any problems), I don't know how much exactly he has in savings. I could probably make a guess to the nearest 10k but it's not something we've every discussed before. How would I know unless he'd shoved his bank statements in my face every month?

OP posts:
StandsOnGoldenSands · 20/07/2014 15:07

Generally, when a couple decides to buy a house together, the conversation goes something like this:

A: So shall we buy then?
B: Well can we afford it?
A: I've got £15k savings, how much have you got?
B: £10k but I could afford to pay more of the monthly repayments because I'm on a higher wage.
A: ok that means we can afford a mortgage of up to £xxx. We'd better have a look at what deals are being offered at the mo. Pass the personal finance section of the paper....

(etc)

How have you managed to agree to buy a house without having had this conversation?

Original poster
ParadoxicalCat · 20/07/2014 15:15

The conversation went
A: shall we buy a house? I could afford about x% of a house that costs y.
B: I could probably afford a similar proportion.
A: shall we try and do it 50/50?
B: yes

OP posts:
StandsOnGoldenSands · 20/07/2014 15:21

Ok so the next conversation is: which bank shall we apply to and here's all the info we'll need for the application form, can you let me have your side of it all please.

Original poster
ParadoxicalCat · 20/07/2014 15:26

That is the stage we are currently at :)

Not sure how he thinks he'll manage to keep things private. It is possible that he is embarrassed by relative savings and worried I'll tell him to stop buying so much crap.

We've got an appointment with a mortgage advisor, I'm assuming s/he will ask for all the tiny details? I just didn't want to go in blind.

OP posts:
Original poster
ParadoxicalCat · 20/07/2014 15:39

Obviously if he continues to be stubborn and evasive then there will be consequences but for now I'm not going to instantly ltb because he's squirmed for the first time.

OP posts:
DiaDuit · 20/07/2014 15:40

I dont know how you have lived together for 4 years and dont know what he has in savings. Although i am coming at this from the point of view that i wouldnt even move in with someone without full disclosure, credit checks and complete agreement on how finances would be split/organised, both current and future finances.

It baffles me why anyone would move in without that info. But 4 years living together and it still hasnt happened!? Confused

DiaDuit · 20/07/2014 15:42

Not sure how he thinks he'll manage to keep things private

Doesnt it worry you that he wants to keep anything secret private?

lavenderhoney · 20/07/2014 15:45

He does know the mortgage advisor will want to know every tiny detail of his financial life?

I find it a bit odd that you don't, as you've known each other so long.

How can you even start to look at a house if you don't know how much you can borrow? Or go in blind to a mortgage advisor? You can go on money supermarket and get an idea. And if he's planning on being a sahd, and working he clearly has no idea! Babies don't lie quietly in the cot whilst you work you know:)

He's got it all worked out hasn't he? Are you married or have plans to be?

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime · 20/07/2014 16:00

knowing someone a long time and knowing them well are not the same thing.

you don't know this man well.

EarthWindFire · 20/07/2014 16:13

I think he has massive debts if you cant even get a current account. I was warned by Nationwide when I got my current account to not put my then partner on jointly as he had been bankrupt.

The OP has also said they weren't registered on the electoral roll. That would mean no account would seem to be awarded. Banks have tightened up even on opening of accounts now.

Original poster
ParadoxicalCat · 20/07/2014 16:26

We aren't married. We are also not planning children for at least the next 5 years backed up by my little plastic uterus friend. If the house thing works out then we'll think about marriage.

I've used mortgage calculators based on what I know but it's my best guess. I know how much he pays in utilities, transport, insurance etc. It's all the little bits that I don't know, or how much exactly he puts away every month.

When we were turned down for current accounts, the banks shrugged and said it was probably because we weren't on the electoral roll. We haven't tried since as we don't want to get rejected too often.

We moved in with credit checks and agreement of how finances would be split which we have kept to with absolutely no problems for 4 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
ParadoxicalCat · 20/07/2014 16:30

Also, you know, just because he has said he would like to be a SAHD and I think I'd go mad if I couldn't go to work out doesn't mean that it has been set in stone that that will be the way it works out in 5+ years time. A stated preference is not a binding contract and I trust that he would be flexible.

OP posts:
SquinkiesRule · 20/07/2014 17:14

Rubbish about the electoral role.
Dh and I moved back to UK after over 20 years abroad, no credit rating at all, not on the electoral role and Dh hadn't ever worked in this country despite being born here. We got a joint bank account both current and savings in a week.
There is something amiss and the bank worker was trying to avoid telling you what they had found and your Dp won't say either.
I'd plan on buying alone and reevaluating my life with this evasive man.
Partners don't keep secrets.

Original poster
ParadoxicalCat · 20/07/2014 17:18

Squinkles how long ago was that, if you don't mind me asking? Also, I couldn't get a bank account by myself and I know I am not harbouring secrets from myself.

OP posts:
HotDogJumpingFrogAlburquerque · 20/07/2014 17:38

I couldn't get a mobile phone contract because I want on the electoral role, so there might be something in it.

HotDogJumpingFrogAlburquerque · 20/07/2014 17:39

Wasn't*

Original poster
ParadoxicalCat · 20/07/2014 17:46

Update:

DH: Er... I feel weird doing this but... here.
hands me sheaf of paper

Everything but ISA has been accounted for and ISA paperwork will be in post on Monday.

I feel guilty for grumbling so much now.

OP posts:
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