to ask DP to share the state of his finances with me?

[ParadoxicalCat]

Basically we're starting to look at buying a house together and, while he knows exactly how much I've saved up, he won't tell me how much money he has.

Given that I am currently the one doing all the research on houses/mortgages etc, AIBU to want to know how much he has in savings so that I know how much we can reasonably afford between us?

I think that growing up it has always been impressed upon him that money is a very private thing that you don't discuss.

Sex is very private, but surely you have it together and discuss it.

Discussing finances with a partner is a must.

I don't think I'd buy a house with him at the present time. How on earth can you when he won't disclose his finances. In fact Iwouldn't buy a joint house with anybody so secretive.

If you don't know the state of his finances, you're not his partner. Partners share the important fundamentals of life with each other, in order to build a future together, or resolve problems. Of course YANBU to ask.

From experience, keeping finances quite so secret is a terrible idea. It's why I'm in the shit now, tbh.

At the moment I am pointing at a house worth say £200,000 and he'd say something like "Oh yes, I could probably manage to pay 15% of that".

We would both put an equal amount into the deposit and pay equal amounts of the mortgage. He has a car to look after whereas I do not, so we'd probably end up with the same amount of disposable income at the end of the month.

Why would he suggest buying a house each separately?

And yet, with the other stuff you have posted, I wonder if getting financially committed with this person is such a good idea?

Maybe getting your own house does make more sense...

So what happens when you have children? If you end up working part time or looking after the kids full time to enable him to earn cash?

Red flags for me!

I'll keep nagging until we have sorted everything out. I don't think I'm going to be willing to sign anything until everything is on the table.

It really doesnt matter what he says he will pay, unless you have seen the actual figures on a bank statement in his name then he could be promising you a rainbow! His money might not even exist!

You need to halt all plans and have a serious discussion to decide what happens. He needs to give you full disclosure, FULL, not just what he thinks he can get away with showing you to keep you happy, or he doesnt and you dont buy a house with him.

I'd buy somewhere for yourself and let it out. Buy a house youd be happy to live in if push came to shove. He must be either very manipulative financially, untrusting of you or not expecting your relationship to last.

Have you asked him what will happen when you have kids?

Mortgage applications are more stringent now than previously, wanting to see bank statements etc. if there is anything he's hiding it will come out at that point, so you need to know now.

Don't nag. That's awful behaviour. Tell him - once - that you need to have an open discussion about finances, and that there can't be any question of buying a house together until this is resolved. It's a much bigger issue in your life together than just stumping up for the deposit.

There is no way on Gods green earth I would ever ever buy a house in the circumstances you're describing. Sounds like my parents and when it went wrong, oh it was spectacular. Been there got the t-shirt a and have spare ones. Please don't be naive or cavalier about this, it will affect the rest of your life.

You need to check all 3 credit agencies, they dont all cover the same things.

But yes recently moved and not on electoral roll can lead to rejections, but usually only for credit, they could have offered you a joint account without an overdraft facility.

At the moment I'm looking at places I'd be able to afford by myself, if push came to shove. The whole reason for heavily involving a solicitor is so that if the worst happened and he left/had no money etc, I would not have to give him half of my house for free.

If we have kids, he wants to be a SAHD. That will hopefully not be anytime soon.

The more you reveal about him, the trickier he sounds.

Sorry OP, alarm bells should be ringing hard in your ears.

Financial privacy and not discussing is one thing: it doesn't and shouldn't include your loved and trusted partner, the person who is buying the biggest and most important purchase of your life with!

Full disclosure, tenants in common , and a deed of trust / covenant that details your deposit and share of equity. Make sure that you protect the value of your deposit: it must reflect Increase in house value.

But I agree: this is a relationship issue.

Can you afford to have a SAHP? Does it make sense for the person earning 2/3 of the house's income to become the SAHP? Would you be happy supporting the house on your income alone? could you even support the house on your income alone?

Sorry, a man who isn't willing to share his financial situation with you, is not actually your partner, he's just pretending to be one. Or more charitably, he thinks he is your DP, it's just that he doesn't know what partnership entails.

It's not your job to teach a man how to be a partner, he's responsible for learning how to function as an adult and he hasn't learned that yet.

Financial secrecy is a huge red flag.

I'd bin him frankly. I wouldn't want to be with someone where it has got to the stage where you are considering undertaking a huge financial commitment but he's unwilling to disclose the full situation. That should tell you that he's not actually a long term trustworthy person.

Do you want him to be a sahd?

Sounds like he's planning a lucrative career as a cocklodger.

If we have kids, he wants to be a SAHD.

Yes, cocklodger alert on.

He earns more than you and he wants to be a SAHD? Why?
It makes sense, if any of the parents was to stay at home, that it would be the lowest earner.