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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask DP to share the state of his finances with me?

110 replies

ParadoxicalCat · 20/07/2014 12:28

Basically we're starting to look at buying a house together and, while he knows exactly how much I've saved up, he won't tell me how much money he has.

Given that I am currently the one doing all the research on houses/mortgages etc, AIBU to want to know how much he has in savings so that I know how much we can reasonably afford between us?

OP posts:
Original poster
ParadoxicalCat · 20/07/2014 13:08

I haven't pushed him that hard yet. I think I should try a little harder to pin him down before I decide that he's a good-for-nothing manipulative devious sponger :)

I have delicately tested the waters and he's not got cross, just evasive. We'll see what happens when I'm a bit firmer.

OP posts:
Fairylea · 20/07/2014 13:09

This is all way too odd.

I don't get the whole mine and yours thing when you own a home either. For example the car - surely that would be used by both of you even though he's driving it and it is "his" car so it becomes the family car, especially if you then go on to have dc. So surely the car expenses would come out of a joint account you both pay everything into and then whatever is left after bills and food it split equally regardless of who is earning or who earns more or less etc. That's how we do it anyway.

I can't get my head around your partners ideas about money.

Lweji · 20/07/2014 13:09

Are you sure he earns that much?

It looks like a good time to walk away.

DiaDuit · 20/07/2014 13:09

I agree anonynonny

DiaDuit · 20/07/2014 13:11

Dont be a bit firmer. Be direct and clear. Tell him that there is no option to purchase a house or combine finances without full disclosure from him and say exactly what that means. Then leave it with him. If he offers up the information (with proof) you can work forward from there. If he doesnt then nothing progresses and you stay here you are or leave him which is what i would do

ClashCityRocker · 20/07/2014 13:12

If you can't get a joint current account, how the heck will you get a joint mortgage?

Something's not right here, OP.

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 20/07/2014 13:13

For the record.

SAHD does not always = clocklodger.

However, there is something really odd going on here!

Original poster
ParadoxicalCat · 20/07/2014 13:13

We work together, so I know how much he earns. I have seen proof of that when we started renting together, if nothing else.

He would be SAHD because he can become semi-self employed as a part time thing to earn money, whereas I can't. I could afford to pay for the house myself if necessary.

It is his car because I can't drive and we rarely use it :) Doesn't have room for DC in it, regardless!

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Anonynonny · 20/07/2014 13:15

Sorry, partners are not evasive.

Dodgy people are evasive. Sales people are evasive. Someone wanting something from you that is unjustified is evasive. Partners are not evasive, they are honest and straightforward and if they are not, then something is very very wrong with the partnership, whether you acknowledge it or not.

Original poster
ParadoxicalCat · 20/07/2014 13:17

We're both fairly young; this is the only serious relationship he has had and he has never lived with a partner before. I am willing to be patient and help him adjust to what grown up expectations of partnership are.

OP posts:
Lweji · 20/07/2014 13:19

This is the time to evaluate whether to continue or not.

Being prepared to fund solely a house purchase is ok if the other partner is not earning enough. Not as a back up plan in case the other person has no means of funding it and doesn't get enough credit rating, and does not talk to you about it.

I don't think this will end well at all.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 20/07/2014 13:20

If it smells like bullshit.........

I think he has massive debts if you cant even get a current account. I was warned by Nationwide when I got my current account to not put my then partner on jointly as he had been bankrupt.

Lweji · 20/07/2014 13:23

I am willing to be patient and help him adjust to what grown up expectations of partnership are.

And there's another pitfall we should all avoid.

There's gentle coaching and talking about it and adjusting expectations and having to pester people into it. Bad start for your relationship, sorry. :(

You should not expect your partner to change, not massively anyway, as you are here. Because he won't.

Original poster
ParadoxicalCat · 20/07/2014 13:26

I've seen one credit report at least, so I am fairly satisfied that he doesn't have any debts beyond the usual (student loan etc.) My own credit rating wasn't brilliant either and I know my only debt is a student loan; neither of us could singly open a current account to then add the other partner on although we tried and were both individually rejected.

It might be that we don't get approved for a mortgage and it all becomes moot anyway Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
ParadoxicalCat · 20/07/2014 13:29

We've been together for long enough that I do trust him. We've never had any real problems apart-from-him-thinking-a-hamwich-is-an-acceptable-dinner

I am fairly confident this will all work out.

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noisytoys · 20/07/2014 13:29

If you were both rejected for a bank account you have no hope with a mortgage. They scrutinise everything now.

Fredmitten · 20/07/2014 13:29

Where we live most estate agent won't allow you to view property without a mortgage offer in principle in place and showing them evidence of this. We have a relatively small mortgage an so far it's taken c. 5 hours on the phone with the building soc to decrease the term and change the product, and I needed forensic knowledge of my Dh's finances to get this far and we have three years worth of history with them.
He's going to have to let you (and various strangers - building soc/mortgage adviser the) know the whereabouts of every penny, his credit history and how much he spends on coffee each week.
Start a spreadsheet, put your earnings/savings/credit in it and send it to him to populate - so he can sit quietly and think through it on his own perhaps? And then you can talk about it afterwards. I'm guessing there are egs out there on the info you'll have to share to get the mortgage?

ImperialBlether · 20/07/2014 13:30

I think he had a good point when he said you should each buy a house and rent out one of them. Why is that a daft idea? You would be covered financially and if it doesn't work out then it would end more easily.

I don't think there's anything to trust at the moment. He's not being open with you yet wants to know exactly what you have in savings. Don't forget that if he is a SAHD and you split up, he can go for full custody.

StandsOnGoldenSands · 20/07/2014 13:32

Training is for dogs, not for men.

Original poster
ParadoxicalCat · 20/07/2014 13:35

Tbf, he didn't ask what my savings were, I volunteered the information.

We have since fixed our credit rating and it's all hunky dory, so I think, on talking properly with a mortgage advisor, we shouldn't have too much of an issue with the getting a mortgage. I may be being naive though, especially after new stringent mortgage stuff.

Imperial - I thought that buying two houses and having twice the mortgage, twice the responsibility and twice the upkeep would be more trouble than it was worth, especially as from experience I have hated living in a house that was owned exclusively by a partner.

OP posts:
WeBelieveInLove · 20/07/2014 13:37

Exactly for how long have you been together?
Do you know his family?

Original poster
ParadoxicalCat · 20/07/2014 13:40

We were born in the same town, known each other since we were in short trousers, went to university together, dated for 6 years, lived together for 4 years. I know him and his family fairly well by this point.

OP posts:
Inertia · 20/07/2014 13:42

Evasive is not of the list of traits I'd look for in a life partner...

NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/07/2014 14:06

Are you desperate?

Original poster
ParadoxicalCat · 20/07/2014 14:12

Wow sockamnesty... that's a little rude.

Do you cut everyone out of your life if they have a flaw that-could-be-only-temporary?

OP posts: