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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to take these birthday presents off ds (5)

127 replies

plentyofpipecleaners · 19/07/2014 10:40

Birthday is tomorrow. Huge stash of presents in our dressing room - where he never goes. Those from us have not been wrapped yet and were still in Amazon boxes. The other day he revealed he had been in and seen the main present from us - something he has wanted for ages and I was really excited to have got it for him. I think he went in because he saw me taking all the presents from his party in there. He got such a telling off I really didn't think he would go back in. Very stupid mistake.

Today I went to make his bed, and under the covers was this item, out of the packaging, tiny accessories all over the bed etc. I flipped. It wasn't pretty, lots of shouting, marched him to swimming (we were running late), with him shouting, "Mummy doesn't love me, just calm down mummy!" I told him it would be going in the bin.

I have since calmed down and told him I do love him (I never said I didn't btw) and that it won't go in the bin. However, I have also said there will be a punishment and I need to think of a suitable one. Could I hold it back for a week or so? Would this make sense to him? Would he connect it to the 'crime'?

He has also revealed that he knows nearly every other present, so there are to be no surprises tomorrow - apart from gifts given by others. I am really upset about this as had been really looking forward to seeing his face, but now he knows it all. But it's really my own fault and, as he explained himself, he was just 'so excited'.

AIBU to not give him the toy tomorrow?

OP posts:
AnAirOfHope82 · 19/07/2014 16:45

Sad he is 5 its his birthday and in a weeks time his dad is moving out and his family dynamics will change forever. It will be upsetting for him to say the least. The op made a mistake, no dont take the toys away, let it go and have a good time on his birthday.

Thats it; let it go and move on. The ds had a telling off and his toy removed ( hope he got it back now or tomoro) the op knows she over reacted and now ds and her should be having fun and cake.

Noone should want to kick the op when she is already on the floor, she made a mistake and has sorted it and hopefully in the future consider how a child will see and feel from her actions.

Its hard being a parent, mistakes happen. Noone gets it right all the time and noone can make a mum feel guilter than herself.

Just dont take the toys/gifts way or it would ruin his birthday.

AgentZigzag · 19/07/2014 16:57

I read that as KingThistle referring to his age as it rather than the lad diamichlo.

Deverethemuzzler · 19/07/2014 17:04

I really don't blame you for being upset.

Its horrible when they do this stuff.

But he is only five and still learning. He shouldn't have done it but its not the crime of the century.

I don't know about punishment...what could you do? Its important he learns that this is not acceptable so he at least tries not to do it again.

NoodleOodle · 19/07/2014 17:06

Confession time - I still look for and peak at the Xmas presents from my mum.

OwlCapone · 19/07/2014 17:07

If I had to come up with a punishment, I would work out how long he'd had the present and hold it back for that long after his birthday. A delay to balance the "stolen" time he'd had with it already.

GnomeDePlume · 19/07/2014 19:02

AgentZigZag - sometimes children need to spend a period of time (age appropriate) realising that what they have done has upset their parents and that their parents will need to get over their upset. Just saying sorry doesnt make it all better immediately.

IMO this is not a bad thing to learn. Better to start learning that lesson at 5 than having to learn it big time later.

AgentZigzag · 19/07/2014 19:18

I see what you mean Gnome, I thought you meant it was such an awful thing to do that there wasn't any way back for him.

Now I think about it DD1 (13) says sorry all the time, but it doesn't actually mean much because she keeps on doing the same (relatively minor) things over and fucking over Hmm

GobbolinoCat · 19/07/2014 19:59

I have presents hiden away too including, a Frozen Elsa dress! DD knows this dress is impossible to get...its hidden but I have thought of the possibility she could find it before Father Christmas delivers it...

BUT you know what, I would feel so bad for her that she didn't get that surprise of xmas morning....the dress in cellophane...the impossible to get dress, got my Father xmas...

And if she did find it, thats my fault, my fault for not hiding it properly.

I would never ever ever, shout at her or make her cry, because of my lousey present hiding skills.

Op I feel really sorry for your little boy....I really do. If it was me, as a child I would be wishing I had never seen or had or been brought the present...

I think its cruel to smash, a 5 year olds joy like you did and go on and on about it, so much he was cying mummy doesnt love me.

I think you need to look at yourself, whats wrong with you, why have you made such a big deal out of this - the whole reason you brought the present was to give joy? it gave joy - the joy just started a little bit earlier than planned?

why have you blamed an innocent small child too young to monitor his emotions for finding totally ill hidden presents?

If I were you I would calm down and go and apologise to him, I really would.,

GobbolinoCat · 19/07/2014 20:01

I don't know about punishment...what could you do? Its important he learns that this is not acceptable so he at least tries not to do it again

so he has already been crying and screaming his mummy doesnt love him, the house already sounds more miserable than a dickens workhouse....

and you want to heap more punishment on this boy>

GobbolinoCat · 19/07/2014 20:11

To continue to bludgeon the op who has accepted that she over reacted and is clearly not in the easiest of places right now does speak to your lack of empathy

Hi op - probably long gone, I saw your up date, your poor thing....your going through a hard time, I am sure you will never punish your son like this again...

my posts still stand to all those saying this boy needs punishing

BeeInYourBonnet · 19/07/2014 20:15

God theres some shockingly mean people on this thread, kicking OP when she's down, and then having the gall too tell her SHES mean!

OP, you are human. You wanted your DSs birthday to be perfect and as a result you got things out of proportion. Unlike some of the perfect patents on this thread, I can empathise.

It doesnt do DCs any harm to see their parents upset or cross at times, in the context of loving relationships. He knew he shouldn't have done it, he got told off, both of you were upset, you talked about it and now you both need to move on.

His birthday isn't ruined, give him all his pressies and have a lovely day.

SallyMcgally · 19/07/2014 20:22

Agree with bee. Try to have a lovely day tomorrow with DS. I'm sure I've lost it over less and with less stress in my life. You know you're sorry. Your son's sorry. Move on. And hope next week not too dreadful xx

SuchSweetSorrow · 19/07/2014 20:34

sorry you are having a hard time OP- it is bound to be taking it's toll on you. Have a lovely, special day tomorrow and move on from today x

CaptainBabywave · 19/07/2014 20:37

Here, here Sally

Marylou62 · 19/07/2014 20:50

Just to reassure you OP that I did something similar to you when my DS about the same age...I cringe when I think of it.....BUT my DS is now an adult...and while he remembers the incident 'when Mum went mad' he certainly isn't damaged by it...in fact he admits he was a little s*d! If you are still here and reading this, or any mother at the end of their tether for any reason....A horrible incident in an otherwise loving environment will not do lasting damage.

OhFFSWhatsWrongNow · 19/07/2014 20:54

Oh op :( you've really had an undeserved bollocking on this thread. You are obviously going through a stressful time and it has got the better of you. Of course it was a bit much telling your son off but so you know what? We have all been there.

I'm sorry you and your son are going through such a difficult time. I really don't believe your ds will remember what happened, he is only five and children are resilient little beings. Try to put this out of your mind and enjoy your sons birthday.

MyFairyKing · 19/07/2014 21:04

I agree with everything Bee said, especially this; "God theres some shockingly mean people on this thread, kicking OP when she's down, and then having the gall too tell her SHES mean!"

MyFairyKing · 19/07/2014 21:05

I'm sure you're long gone plenty but I wanted to say that I hope you and your DS enjoy tomorrow. Wine and Cake for you tonight. Be kind to yourself.

NorwegianBirdhouse · 19/07/2014 21:07

I agree with adsy and Dumdum. So he got the thrill of finding something really exciting. TBH, I would have went with it and shown mock horror at him finding it because it was supposed to be purely for his pleasure after all and he knew it was for him. So while he was wrong to sneak and get it, I agree with the point it was way way too much temptation for him, and therefore your fault. Keeping all gifts for one day can be overwhelming. You should have let the poor child have some that were already given. Please don't punish him further. Let him enjoy his birthday and stop being over organised.

NorwegianBirdhouse · 19/07/2014 21:26

OP, just read your updates. Sorry things are so tough for you. What a horrible thing you are going through. Start afresh tomorrow for the birthday and that worry at least will be lifted.

Original poster
plentyofpipecleaners · 20/07/2014 20:21

Just a quick update to thank all the posters who have supported me on here and reassure everyone that ds had a fabulous day today, and most certainly knows he is loved, doesn't wish he had never had the presents and doesn't feel he lives in a workhouse!

Thanks again for all the good wishes Thanks.

OP posts:
OhFFSWhatsWrongNow · 20/07/2014 20:22

I'm glad you and he had a lovely day :) hope you're feeling ok op xx

mrsminiverscharlady · 20/07/2014 20:28

You sound like a lovely mum who is under a lot of pressure ATM. Hope you're OK and you have a lovely time with him over the holidays x.

SallyMcgally · 20/07/2014 21:18

Well done OP. You're a star.
And good luck Thanks

ExcuseTypos · 20/07/2014 21:30

Oh that's brilliant.Smile