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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to take these birthday presents off ds (5)

127 replies

plentyofpipecleaners · 19/07/2014 10:40

Birthday is tomorrow. Huge stash of presents in our dressing room - where he never goes. Those from us have not been wrapped yet and were still in Amazon boxes. The other day he revealed he had been in and seen the main present from us - something he has wanted for ages and I was really excited to have got it for him. I think he went in because he saw me taking all the presents from his party in there. He got such a telling off I really didn't think he would go back in. Very stupid mistake.

Today I went to make his bed, and under the covers was this item, out of the packaging, tiny accessories all over the bed etc. I flipped. It wasn't pretty, lots of shouting, marched him to swimming (we were running late), with him shouting, "Mummy doesn't love me, just calm down mummy!" I told him it would be going in the bin.

I have since calmed down and told him I do love him (I never said I didn't btw) and that it won't go in the bin. However, I have also said there will be a punishment and I need to think of a suitable one. Could I hold it back for a week or so? Would this make sense to him? Would he connect it to the 'crime'?

He has also revealed that he knows nearly every other present, so there are to be no surprises tomorrow - apart from gifts given by others. I am really upset about this as had been really looking forward to seeing his face, but now he knows it all. But it's really my own fault and, as he explained himself, he was just 'so excited'.

AIBU to not give him the toy tomorrow?

OP posts:
Original poster
plentyofpipecleaners · 19/07/2014 11:44

As I said, I didn't withhold the presents. It didn't occur to me to give him them, but we have never before had a party before the birthday. I don't really need everyone telling me he should have opened those on the party day. I don't think it's the biggest issue here, and it's too late for that anyway.

The huge stash is not that huge, and is the size it is largely due to the party gifts, though I think the OP may not give that impression entirely. I'm not trying to over-compensate - I didn't know about the affair when the presents were bought. We have spent the usual amount, perhaps a little more as he has developed a few new interests over the last few months and we don't really buy toys apart from birthdays and Christmas. I don't need patronising advice about spending more one-to-one time with him - I work f/t as a teacher and have very little time in term-time. Not much I can do about that. And with h moving out and no family near, one-to-one with either child will be even more difficult now that it has been so far. but thanks for that very helpful contribution anyway Hmm.

OP posts:
greenfolder · 19/07/2014 11:47

be kind to yourself. you over reacted a bit- he is not used to you shouting probably, you have made it up with him and try to forget about it!

gamerchick · 19/07/2014 11:53

when he gets home from swimming give him the one he really wanted.. he'll be surprised anyroad won't he? Then give him the rest tomorrow.

You overeacted, don't worry about it just make it right when he gets home today.

NannyAnna · 19/07/2014 11:55

I would tell him he has to choose three presents to take to a charity shop or a children's hospital ward or something. I would be cross too.

gamerchick · 19/07/2014 11:57

He's FIVE! Christ on a bike people are harsh on littleuns these days.

AgentZigzag · 19/07/2014 11:58

Bloody hell NannyA, would you? Shock

What a nasty thing to suggest.

CatsCantTwerk · 19/07/2014 12:01

Nanny are You being serious?

I'm sorry you are going through a lot op but I feel sorry for your little boy.

PhaedraIsMyName · 19/07/2014 12:05

He got such a telling off I really didn't think he would go back in. Very stupid mistake

I can't imagine giving a 5 year old "such a telling off" unless the 5 year old had repeatedly done something dangerous which he'd been told not to or had been cruel to a pet or another child or had done something of a similar magnitude.

Coming down like a ton of bricks on a 5 year ol old because he's managed to find the hiding place for presents is out of all proportion.

I also think behaving in a way that can make a 5 year old say "mummy doesn't love me" requires you to take a good look at yourself.

Pagwatch · 19/07/2014 12:06

NannyAnna

That would be a gratuitously shitty thing to do to a five year old.

diddl · 19/07/2014 12:08

You can't really blame him can you for snooping after being given presents and not allowed to open them?

Are we the only ones who open presents once all the guests arrive?

I would be annoyed at the taking the present & playing with it.

But telling you to calm down, my goodness, how could you not have just hugged him?

I don't think any punishment is necessary tbh.

isthisanacidtest · 19/07/2014 12:11

I think you're having a hard time and I think your stress has blown at the wrong person.

Sad
KurriKurri · 19/07/2014 12:26

Draw a line under it all - his birthday is tomorrow, it isn't ruined, he will have fun and you can have a lovely time together.

It doesn't sound as if he is worried about having seen his presents, and actually I think sometimes too much of a surprise element can be a bit overwhelming for some little ones. All will be fine Smile

Sorry your H is such a shit (I have one of those too) - enormous sympathies, and take care of yourself x

snice · 19/07/2014 12:28

people are being really awful to the OP-shes having a stressful time, her son did something he shouldn't so she told him off. It doesnt need to be such a big deal.
And as for forcing the 5 year old to give some of his presents away to the charity shop! Words fail me

OP, I hope you're feeling a bit more calm and that you have a good day with your boy.

AnAirOfHope82 · 19/07/2014 12:29

Agentzigzag the op has taken the toy off him Hmm

I stand by my post her actions were mean to her little boy and he will remember it. A simply "you should have asked if you wanted to open your gift today, it was wrong to do that on your own. You can keep that toy but the rest can wait till tomoro as thats your birthday and we all want to see what you get".

I can see.you are stressed and angry and taking it out on everyone. Its understandable but its exh that needs your angry. Explain to ds what is happening and that you are sad and angry and that you will be unhappy for a bit but its not at him or his fault and you will get better.

Your children live your life with you and you cant protect them from that but you can explain what is going on and why.

Im sure you know this is the least of your problems right now. Good luck op and dont take your angry out on your kids.

AgentZigzag · 19/07/2014 12:54

Unless I've got it wrong AnAir, she's only taken his main present back because it's not his birthday until tomorrow, but you said she'd taken his toys away as though he was never going to see any of them again.

That's a good parenting motto though 'don't take your angry out on your kids' Grin It's easily done when they're playing at silly buggers, at least the OP's checked herself now.

JoeyMaynardsghost · 19/07/2014 12:57

Sorry OP I didn't see your update before I posted. Your reaction isn't surprising under the circumstances. Give him a cuddle and let him know how much you love him. Look after yourself too, you're in need of comforting too. I hope you've friends and family who can help you get through this xx

Happy Birthday to your DS for tomorrow!

ChoccaDoobie · 19/07/2014 12:59

Hope you are ok OP, sounds like a really tough time for you all. You did go ott as everyone occasionally does but you have understood that now. It can be upsetting when kids do thing like this.

My nephews once got up at 3 am on Christmas morning, opened their stockings and then sneaked downstairs opening every single present under the tree including those not for them! When my poor brother and SIL got up they found them sitting in the living room surrounded by wrapping paper and all of the presents. It was a bit of a grim Christmas morning for all! Of course they laugh about it some 15 years later!

Move on, enjoy his birthday with him and take care x

PhaedraIsMyName · 19/07/2014 13:00

OP, I've seen your update and it changes nothing. What is happening is not your son's fault and blowing hot and cold is not the way to behave with him. Your reaction was way out of proportion to what your son did, what his father did is irrelevant.

Picklepest · 19/07/2014 13:04

Ok op just change user name to Malificent surely? No presents on day of party and ott reaction to found gifts.

I am amazed he didn't get party gifts. That seems very unfair. The rest human. Hopefully in 20 yrs you will laugh about it. That or he's in therapy....

hoedown · 19/07/2014 13:04

Sounds like you're having a really hard time op. I think most of us have over-reacted to something involving our children at one point or another - I know I have on more than one occasion. You've got your point across to DS, apologised for taking it a bit too far and can now draw a line under it. I would wrap the gifts up, perhaps add in a bag of sweets as a surprise and then spend an hour or so of uninterrupted time playing with DS snd his new toys on his birthday, just the two of you. I'll bet he'll love that.
Here are some Thanks for you, tomorrow is another day.

ChoccaDoobie · 19/07/2014 13:07

Crikey, some harsh posts here. I'm not saying that everyone would react that way but I think the vast majority of us have made mistakes like that with our Dcs particularly when under stress. I totally disagree that your son will hold it against you. If children have a generally loving, secure relationship with their parents they accept that people sometimes lose their tempers and get angry. It's actually a very good thing for you to calm down and say sorry to your child, it helps them to manage their own feelings and show that we all make mistakes and things can be sorted out.

If I were you I'd leave the thread now and get on with your day. You don't need more vitriol to drag you down. Have a great time with your Ds tomorrow.

guggenheim · 19/07/2014 13:12

Op I think you realise that things got a bit out of hand but you've had the courage to take advice and apologise to your ds. You've had a hard time and it's the end of term,be kind to yourself. We all lose it occasionally.

Also,it isn't anyone else's business how much you spend or how big the present pile is. Personally I enjoy buying gifts.Hope you both have a really nice day.Smile

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 19/07/2014 13:14

I think you have got all the answers you need from this thread OP, you have accepted you were OTT, you have a lot on your plate at the moment I don't think you need to to keep coming back on here for a repeated kicking by posters hell bent on telling you what a monster you are.

RhiWrites · 19/07/2014 13:20

Maybe don't bother wrapping the presents? That might help him see the surprise and unwrapping is part of the fun for giver and receiver.

IHeartKingThistle · 19/07/2014 13:23

They shouldn't have been there, OK fine, but you know what? My 5 year old would have had a huge telling off too. It's old enough to follow rules and listen to the teacher at school and it's old enough to know not to take the toy out of the box and play with it IMO. I find it very hard to believe that all the people calling you mean would not have not told off their child if they had done the same thing in RL.

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