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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to take these birthday presents off ds (5)

127 replies

plentyofpipecleaners · 19/07/2014 10:40

Birthday is tomorrow. Huge stash of presents in our dressing room - where he never goes. Those from us have not been wrapped yet and were still in Amazon boxes. The other day he revealed he had been in and seen the main present from us - something he has wanted for ages and I was really excited to have got it for him. I think he went in because he saw me taking all the presents from his party in there. He got such a telling off I really didn't think he would go back in. Very stupid mistake.

Today I went to make his bed, and under the covers was this item, out of the packaging, tiny accessories all over the bed etc. I flipped. It wasn't pretty, lots of shouting, marched him to swimming (we were running late), with him shouting, "Mummy doesn't love me, just calm down mummy!" I told him it would be going in the bin.

I have since calmed down and told him I do love him (I never said I didn't btw) and that it won't go in the bin. However, I have also said there will be a punishment and I need to think of a suitable one. Could I hold it back for a week or so? Would this make sense to him? Would he connect it to the 'crime'?

He has also revealed that he knows nearly every other present, so there are to be no surprises tomorrow - apart from gifts given by others. I am really upset about this as had been really looking forward to seeing his face, but now he knows it all. But it's really my own fault and, as he explained himself, he was just 'so excited'.

AIBU to not give him the toy tomorrow?

OP posts:
ExcuseTypos · 19/07/2014 13:35

I don't think people are suggesting he shouldn't have been told off IHeart, it's the talking all the presents back to the shop bit people are arguing against.

I agree that you must be so stressed OP. don't worry about whats happened with DS, just try to have a nice day tomorrow with him.

Azquilith · 19/07/2014 13:38

Ofgs it's a birthday present and he's five. Chill out.

adeucalione · 19/07/2014 14:03

I've just seen your update OP, and I can now understand your over-reaction. I think most people have done this, I know I have.

You've also admitted YWBU and that you shouldn't have taken your stress out on your DS, so I think that those posters who continue to post critically are being rather harsh.

You have the rest of today to be extra lovely to him and by tomorrow it can all be forgotten.

Wrap his presents and let him open them as planned. If he mentions the fact that he's already seen them, or that you were cross, give him a cuddle and tell him you didn't realise he was clever enough to find the hiding place.

As a matter of interest, everyone I know opens party presents at home after the party.

Oh, and successful hiding places we've used include a neighbour's garage, our loft, a locked roof box in the shed and the boot of my car. We have to mix it up because our DC are really tenaciousGrin

backbystealth · 19/07/2014 14:09

Yes way too harsh.

But I think those of us with much older kids have forgotten that at the time five seems quite grown up - they understand, they can reason and know right from wrong. I think I was often guilty of telling my dd off disproportionately when looking back I think gosh she was so little.

Trollsworth · 19/07/2014 14:10

This reply has been deleted

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Timeisawastin · 19/07/2014 14:12

Despite it being a very long time ago, I do remember being a kid. My brother and I used to always find the presents well in advance of the event. Why did my Mum think her wardrobe was a 'secret' place?. We were kids, our moral values hadn't developed yet. Presents for my DC have always been hidden in someone else's house!

I'm glad you're putting the incident into perspective now OP, just be smarter next year :-)

ExcuseTypos · 19/07/2014 14:13

I think some people need to read all the OPs posts. For those who haven't - sorry OP but I will point this out.

The OPs H is leaving this week, after an affair

So please cut her some slack. She isn't a horrid person, she is under a lot of stress.

Trollsworth · 19/07/2014 14:15

Her husbands affair isn't her five year olds fault. He will remember this birthday for the rest of his life as the one where he did nothing right.

backbystealth · 19/07/2014 14:16

I agree ExcuseTypos - why do people take such delight in going too far on this threads? Why call her 'fucking horrible'. I think you need to look in the mirror Trollsworth and others. FGS.

backbystealth · 19/07/2014 14:17

She was too harsh yes - but you were harsher, don't try to justify an unacceptable post Trollsworth.

AgentZigzag · 19/07/2014 14:19

His birthday is tomorrow Trollsworth, it hasn't been spoiled.

Pagwatch · 19/07/2014 14:21

Your attitude is awful Trollsworth.

People, shockingly even mothers, are human. When we are distressed we can over react and act outside our usual manner. To not understand that, and be kind, shows a shocking lack of empathy. The op is under terrible strain and over reacted.
You are just sitting in a room being vile out of choice.

I think you should reevaluate who is being fucking horrible.

Ilovehamabeads · 19/07/2014 14:24

Sorry you're going through a stressful time OP, be kind to yourself- yes you overreacted but it doesn't sound like your DS has suffered any from it. Let him open his presents, he'll still be excited as this time he gets to keep them :) Hope you both have a lovely day.

starlight1234 · 19/07/2014 14:32

Sounds like a rough time. You have realised you BU. now Make today a better day. Move on. Kids are a great distraction.

You DS will also e picking up on atmosphere in the house which I assume isn't great.

What was your son's desperately wanted present

Trollsworth · 19/07/2014 14:32

Don't any of you ever remember a time when your parent was absolutely vile to you?

Don't any of you remember the fear and misery caused by a parent reacting completely inappropriately to normal childhood behaviour?

And furthermore, is it genuinely NORMAL to have so little self control as an adult? I have had some truly dreadful weeks as a parent but I don't lash out at my children and ruin important events by not understanding that they are children and will behave like children! It's not because I don't have stresses, it's not because I'm "perfect" and it's not because my children don't misbehave -its because over reacting the way the OP did is frightening, confusing and upsetting for the small child on the receiving end of it.

Those of you accusing me of having no empathy don't seem to have much with the actual victim of this circumstance, who is a little boy who will remember this birthday for the rest of his life as the one where his mum threatened to bin his birthday present for the crime of being excited.

AgentZigzag · 19/07/2014 14:44

The fact that most people can/do remember and can still be affected by the times their parents treated them unfairly troll, shows posters know things like this can have long term effects.

But the OP's not a robot, sometimes emotions can get the better of you and you end up doing things you're ashamed of when you're in a more rational state.

But the reason posters have been generous to the OP isn't because they're minimising how she reacted or think it was OK, it's because she's contrite. She hasn't argued back or tried to justify it, she seems to genuinely feel sorry and has already sorted it out with her DS.

It's great that you haven't been in a situation where you've temporarily lost it (not that I think she did lose it, if she had the present would have been binned and stayed there and his birthday would have been cancelled and she wouldn't be backing down).

A one off event like this in a 5 YOs usually happy life isn't going to negatively affect him, if she was like this all the time it'd be different, but she agreed she was unreasonable straight away, what more do you want her to do?

adeucalione · 19/07/2014 14:45

Yes I remember being frightened when my parents over-reacted to several different situations when I was growing up.

They were in the context of a loving home life, and are remembered largely because they were rare - and therefore memorable - occurrences.

I have, and have always had, a great relationship with my parents. When I look back on childhood I think they did a great job and, if I think about those experiences at all, it is to wonder what stresses they were under at the time.

OP please don't let anonymous internet idiots make you feel worse about this - a truly horrible parent wouldn't care about behaving this way, and you obviously do.

The birthday isn't ruined, your relationship with your DS isn't ruined, and he isn't a 'victim' because you had a bad day.

backbystealth · 19/07/2014 14:48

I think pretty much everyone has agreed OP was too harsh on a five year old, Trollsworth. And yes he will probably remember it and it won't be a wonderful memory. Not great.

However, your comments were utterly unhelpful and unkind and you showed no humanity towards someone going through a truly shitty time. Be careful karma doesn't bite you on the arse. You might find you are not always as calm and angelic as you claim to be. And by the way - bollocks on that one. I don't believe any parent on here has not disproportionately lost their rag or got it horribly wrong on occasion. If you think otherwise about yourselv, you are most probably delusional.

snice · 19/07/2014 14:48

"who is a little boy who will remember this birthday for the rest of his life as the one where his mum threatened to bin his birthday present for the crime of being excited."

What a load of bollocks-if this incident is remembered by next month I will be amazed. Stop beating up on the OP Trollsworth and consider whether you're own responses on this thread are both acceptable and in proportion to the crime

Pagwatch · 19/07/2014 14:50

Exactly adeucalione.

I remember one or two occasions when my mum lost it because she was usually marvellous.
And I can remember when I lost it with ds1 because I was very distressed about a personal issue.

To pretend that anyone can be utterly together all of the time is nonsense. To continue to bludgeon the op who has accepted that she over reacted and is clearly not in the easiest of places right now does speak to your lack of empathy.

privetandpetunias · 19/07/2014 15:45

Actually I think you were not being unreasonable at all, you had caught him in the room once when he didn't know not to go in but then you clearly told him he was not to go in there again. He's 5 years old, not a baby and big enough to understand that he shouldn't help himself to things without asking. I think putting them away for a week would be a very reasonable reaction. He obviously knew he shouldn't have taken them because he had hidden them. It will be a lesson learned today and it won't spoil his birthday tomorrow because he will have lots of other presents and excitement.

FriendlyAmoeba · 19/07/2014 15:55

I hate when people find my present stash. I tell DH that if he finds out what his presents (and he's stupid enough to tell me) he's not getting them. I might make that my policy for DD too when she's older (I'll also be good at hiding them in high places).

But I agree, part of the fun is finding the present stash, shaking them, and pealing back the wrapping a bit to see what it is. My parents were good at hiding presents, me and my brother only found the stash once, and they to this day won't tell us where they hid them. I have a sneaking suspicion it was in a different place each year.

GnomeDePlume · 19/07/2014 15:59

I agree with privetandpetunias he is 5 and not a baby. He knew this was wrong. The hardest lesson children have to learn is that sometimes 'sorry' isnt enough.

My DCs grew up in the certain knowledge that if they went looking for their presents and found them then they wouldnt be getting them. Not sure if it stopped them looking but it sure as hell stopped them telling anyone if they found them!

AgentZigzag · 19/07/2014 16:11

If sorry isn't enough Gnome, what is?

diaimchlo · 19/07/2014 16:36

IHeartKingThistle

It's old enough to follow rules and listen to the teacher at school and it's old enough to know not to take the toy out of the box and play with it IMO.

Really not nice at all to refer to a child as an "IT" they are old enough would sound much politer.

OP can you honestly say hand on heart you never went hunting for your presents before the day?

I wish you and your son a lovely day tomorrow Cake