to think DP shouldn't have gone out - even for '10 mins'?

[unlucky83]

This evening I let DD2 (7) go to the playing field at 7pm for 30 mins with two friends (both just 8) ... about 5 min walk away, pretty safe quiet area but still across a main road and a side road...first time I've let her go without an adult/older sibling....

We needed bread and milk from the shop (DP forgot to get earlier)...about 5 min drive away.
Told DP I would get it and check on DD2 on the way - maybe let her stay a bit longer as I knew one of the other children needed to be home by 8pm anyway. So after 20 mins I told DP I was going and he reminded me to check on DD2! .
Saw DD2 told her she could stay until 8pm -at same time we saw another of her friends with her parent and we had a chat etc...so I was out a bit longer than I planned. Then I went to shop. Coming back saw DP drive past me! He waved etc...I was .
He came back just after 8pm... his friend had lost something and asked DP to check he hadn't left it somewhere they had been earlier...
I said he shouldn't have gone out ... left no adult at home - what if she had an accident etc...
What if my car had broken down etc - he should have waited till I got home...

He said there was no reason for him to stay in when DD2 was out!
And it was only for 10 mins anyway (actually more like 20!) and not as if house was locked up - DD1 (13) was at home...

So who is BU? Am I overreacting? I know the likelihood of something happening was minimal...but I think he should have waited for me to get home...not like it was an emergency...
You just can't disappear off somewhere because your DC is playing out???

WIBU?

Yes.

But IWBU about the other thing, was I?

Yes, you were.

So, you were unreasonable to your husband and unreasonable to let your youngest play out away from home at that time of night,

Which was more serious? DH going out or child playing out?

Child playing out.

YANBU to worry about your DDs handling a potential situation without adult help, but YABU to defend your choices when it appears that you already felt deep down that none of the other people responsible for your DD2 (friends, DD1 and DP) were truly appropriate to supervise in this instance. Even if you know the exact support network of DD2's 8yo friends, what they are allowed to do shouldn't affect your judgment when it comes to your own children.

I think your DP's errand could've waited, but at the same time I wouldn't dream of letting a 7yo play out of earshot across a main road with similar aged friends until 8pm. I suppose you thought your DP would stay put because he seemed to be settled for the evening, as opposed to necessarily sharing your values around DD2 needing someone at home. Bearing on what happened to your DD1 in the past, I would've been concerned about her ability to cope if DD2 came home shaken up, or was late returning with both parents missing. I also question whether your DP would be able to handle an emergency, given that he wasn't much use on the occasion where DD1 arrived home mysteriously traumatised.

I'm not sure what any of us can really add other than that since fortunately nobody got hurt, your own discomfort over the events should help you make better decisions in the future.

I also live in a quiet community - a village where the main arguments are about shops opening and the Best Kept Village competition.

Absolutely no way would I dream of letting a 7 year old out of sight playing at any time of the day. I think we have all seen enough on the news to know these places are not immune from something happening. Just because people say hello to each other and doors are left unlocked doesn't mean everyone is looking after your kids for you.

Agree with whoever said it isn't once now - you've set a standard now and are going to look unreasonable when you tell her she can't go again. I wouldn't give a flying wotsit what other parents do or about having to say no to a 7 year old.

I can see no problem with him going out.

Sorry, I think 7 is too young to be out at that time of night, even with friends. As others have said, I think you've got your worries mixed up.

No way would I even let my 10 year old out at that time. Sod what the other kids think, and if you have a few tears from your DC over not being allowed to go, well that's tough doody.

Checking on the 7 year old every 5 or 10 minutes won't make one bit of difference if she hurts herself, runs home crying and runs straight into the road.
Children don't have road sense at that age and you were taking a massive risk.
Your Dh didn't do anything wrong.
The fact that a 13 year old crying because they fell off a roundabout gave you a fright and your dh felt out of his depth is quite concerning.

Well last night one of the 8 yos came round at 7 to play.

DD2 asked if she could go the field and I said no, she knew the night before had been special but she could play out the front (we are off the road and have a communal garden area)
...no arguments, no tantrums, no problems...in fact they actually played in the back garden...

I think all these things - freedoms - have to be a gradual thing. You can't suddenly say on their 10th or whatever birthday right off you go....
And here at 11 they have to get a school bus to the high school - miles away and they are allowed out at lunch to go to wander around the streets...

(And it was when DD1 was about 10 when she came home in tears - 3 yrs ago - not recently!
She hurt her leg recently falling up the front steps - I got a picture message of it telling me it was my fault for not being home or answering my phone immediately (in a doc appt) when she came back early from a shopping trip ! )

Unless your 13 is incapable of answering the door and/or using the phone you are being unreasonable.

Having said that in your situation I would have probably expected husband to text/phone me to say he was going out. He was also unreasonable in not waiting until you got back, it wasn't an emergency.

Oh and my son was out with friends that late out of sight when he was 7. I'm in central Edinburgh.

"I'm more at the 7 year-old playing 5 minutes away, out of sight across a main road at 7pm.

But that's just me."

No it's not. I wouldn't be allowing it either.

Does your 13 year old have SN's that prevent her from calling the emergency number if there's an emergency? Is she particularly immature for her age that would prevent her from understand what an emergency is?

I don't understand the issue. I was babysitting children by the time I was 12.

You're over reacting. There's nothing wrong with popping out while an older child is at home.

Unlucky I told my DD on her 9th birthday that she could now go to the shops alone...so that was pretty sudden and she was fine.

I certainly don't allow my 6 year old to play on the communal area outside in the street as it's got too many cars up and down...and at 6 they're prone to suddenly crossing if they see a friend or a dog or something.

She hurt her leg recently falling up the front steps - I got a picture message of it telling me it was my fault for not being home or answering my phone immediately (in a doc appt) when she came back early from a shopping trip

Yes, people like to be sanctimonious and cling to this illusion of control that if you were there your children would never get hurt. Not ever.

But more importantly, if you told the person supervising your DD on the shopping trip you wouldn't be home until a certain time, it's their fault for dropping her off early.

You will never be able to prevent all injuries, and at 13 your DD's old enough to assess if it warrants a call to the police. If DH was home he'd do the same thing, and just call an emergency number wouldn't he?

If you're really that concerned, put your 13 year old in a first aid, CPR class and get her certified.

"If you're really that concerned, put your 13 year old in a first aid, CPR class and get her certified."

Now see, I don't get how it's the responsibility of a 13 year old child to look after their younger sibling. Far from suggesting that a parent placed the responsibility for caring for/saving the parent's own 7 year old child upon their 13 year old child I would argue that this duty lies squarely with the parent/s. Your child, you take care of it or you find a competent adult to do so.

Friendly - that was text from her!!! Showing typical teen attitude!!! She'd got the earlier bus back with her friends ...
youre I also don't think that DD1 should be expected to be automatically responsible for her sister...sometimes yes but when they both know that is the case (eg going to the local shop together for an ice lolly etc) - and not fair on DD2 to come home hurt expecting a parent to be there and there not being...

Now see, I don't get how it's the responsibility of a 13 year old child to look after their younger sibling. Far from suggesting that a parent placed the responsibility for caring for/saving the parent's own 7 year old child upon their 13 year old child I would argue that this duty lies squarely with the parent/s. Your child, you take care of it or you find a competent adult to do so.

Fair enough, if the 13 year old wants the same responsibility as the 7 year old she can get the same privileges and bed times as the 7 year old too. If she wants more privileges, she can do more to help out.

As long as watching the 7 year old isn't getting in the way of her social life or activities she's planning with friends, I don't see why you wouldn't expect it.

I don't think you can expect an older sibling to babysit but you can do a lot to ensure that they're amenable to it.

Nobody is talking about her 'being responsible for her sister' the later comments have been, in the quite unlikely event of an emergency occurring then most of us would expect a 13 yr old - with access to a phone, with access to friendly neighbours, and with her parents only being 5 mins away - to be able to respond appropriately.