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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DP shouldn't have gone out - even for '10 mins'?

118 replies

unlucky83 · 17/07/2014 21:00

This evening I let DD2 (7) go to the playing field at 7pm for 30 mins with two friends (both just 8) ... about 5 min walk away, pretty safe quiet area but still across a main road and a side road...first time I've let her go without an adult/older sibling....

We needed bread and milk from the shop (DP forgot to get earlier)...about 5 min drive away.
Told DP I would get it and check on DD2 on the way - maybe let her stay a bit longer as I knew one of the other children needed to be home by 8pm anyway. So after 20 mins I told DP I was going and he reminded me to check on DD2! Hmm.
Saw DD2 told her she could stay until 8pm -at same time we saw another of her friends with her parent and we had a chat etc...so I was out a bit longer than I planned. Then I went to shop. Coming back saw DP drive past me! He waved etc...I was Shock.
He came back just after 8pm... his friend had lost something and asked DP to check he hadn't left it somewhere they had been earlier...
I said he shouldn't have gone out ... left no adult at home - what if she had an accident etc...
What if my car had broken down etc - he should have waited till I got home...

He said there was no reason for him to stay in when DD2 was out!
And it was only for 10 mins anyway (actually more like 20!) and not as if house was locked up - DD1 (13) was at home...

So who is BU? Am I overreacting? I know the likelihood of something happening was minimal...but I think he should have waited for me to get home...not like it was an emergency...
You just can't disappear off somewhere because your DC is playing out???

OP posts:
sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 17/07/2014 21:42

It's not hard to say no when the friends are there. It's simply 'sorry (insert child's name) isn't allowed to the park without an adult' I have to do it a lot to our neighbour who's been going to the park at least ten minutes away down a secluded route under underpasses and down alleyways for years...also another neighbour who asks my kids to play 18 games...it's simply a case of saying 'they aren't allowed'

TheRealAmandaClarke · 17/07/2014 21:43

Ok.
Did he have a view about dd going out?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 17/07/2014 21:43

I thought you were checking on dd who was playing out? So why did he have to be in the house? Confused. Plus I do think letting a 7yo play out that far is a bit dodge.

MrsWinnibago · 17/07/2014 21:47

The DD2 is SEVEN not 8 and it'/s far too young to be out at 8.00pm

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 17/07/2014 21:51

My thoughts echo those of previous posters TBH. I have a 13 year old & would entirely trust him to watch his little sister for 10 minutes & phone me if need be.

However, I would not be letting a 7 year be 5 minutes away from home without an adult or older sibling present. Play out in our street, yes. So long as I can see them. Cross a main road, another road & walk 5 mins - no.

Original poster
unlucky83 · 17/07/2014 21:56

Sharon I usually do - but thought for once - it would be ok...she'd been playing with one of them most of the day at home and the other came round -and they were going to go off together...

DP made sure I was going to check on her before I left - he knew it was a big deal...

And I was going to check on my way to the shop - leave her for 10 mins or so - and then check again on the way back...so more or less every 15- 20 mins...

But like I said he didn't know I'd actually been chatting to the other parent at the park for 10 mins...

(DD is almost 7.5 - the other children are 8 - one is almost 8.5)

OP posts:
Happy36 · 17/07/2014 21:58

As your 13 year old was home I do not think your partner was unreasonable to go out. Next time be explicit if you want him to stay in the house (THEN it would be unreasonable if he went out).

WaitMonkey · 17/07/2014 22:02

I can not imagine allowing a 7 year old to play unsupervised, 5 minutes from home until 8pm. Am I overprotective ?

titchy · 17/07/2014 22:04

But it won't be once now will it? She's gone out now, and will not understand why she can't keep on doing the same thing, why you've suddenly decided it's not ok when it was today.

BertieBotts · 17/07/2014 22:09

It sounds fine to me. I was with you up until the last sentence about the 13 year old. It wouldn't have been ok to leave the house empty but yes her sister could have helped out if there was a problem. For emergencies you both have mobiles.

7yo playing out sounds fine but then we let our 5yo play out until 7.30 if it's not a school night. But if you're not happy then you need to say no. It doesn't matter if she's in front of her friends Confused you are the adult and her parent, you don't make the rules for them but you can make them for her!

cestlavielife · 17/07/2014 22:09

Your dp knew that you were going to check on dd. so he had no reason not to go out .

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 17/07/2014 22:11

Seven, seven and a half...still too young to be playing out of sight and calling distance regardless of whether your daughter had been playing with her friends all day. And I think you know this by your reaction to your dp going out

Topseyt · 17/07/2014 22:15

I think 7 is too young to be playing unsupervised out of sight and calling distance of the house. Mine were sometimes allowed to play out on a grassy area literally right outside our front windows. However, they were just not streetwise enough at that age, and it took another couple of years for me to be happy letting them go further on their own.

A 13 year-old is fine to be left home alone for 10 minutes. Mine were given door keys when they reached secondary school age, so that they could let themselves in if I happened to be out when they got home. Never a problem, and I am never gone for long at that time anyway.

There is no reason at all why your partner should not have popped out as he did.

bellarations · 17/07/2014 22:16

Yabvu to let a 7 to play out without supervision. V much so IMO.

ChoccaDoobie · 17/07/2014 22:16

7 and out playing not in sight till 8pm? Crikey, that seems like a bad idea to me and I consider myself laid back.

Original poster
unlucky83 · 17/07/2014 22:26

Amanda - meant to say earlier - that's my point - he could have waited...made sure I got back etc...or if I didn't DD2 did ...he didn't need to rush off!

I can usually always go along to the park too...it was like an adventure for her - she knew it was a big deal and I did say just this once ...

And also it is the school holidays here - so bedtimes are a bit later...

OP posts:
BackforGood · 17/07/2014 22:31

Your dp INBU for nipping out and leaving a 13 yr old on her own for a short while.
I would be much more likely to question the judgement of someone letting a 7 yr old go out to play at 7 o'clock at night, especially without adult supervision Shock
I think you've got your priorities the wrong way round.

Topseyt · 17/07/2014 22:31

He doesn't have to wait in to make sure you get back surely. He knew you were intending to check on the 7 year-old, so he quite reasonably popped out for a little while, leaving the 13 year-old.

I don't make my husband wait in to ensure I get back safely if I have gone shopping or anything.

Original poster
unlucky83 · 17/07/2014 23:10

My 13 yo doesn't have keys -purely cos she loses everything and I don't want to end up having to change the locks every other week!!!

But I wasn't just going to check on DD2 - I was also going to the shop... 5 mins drive away- I expected him to wait in (5 min walk away) till either I or DD2 were home safely...

Was thinking about the level of shock at DD2 being allowed out ...and realised I have lived in some places where I also wouldn't even contemplate it for a second but
We live in a small community - more or less everyone knows everyone and on a nice summer evening there were lots of people about...eg the lady next to the park was sitting in her garden - she knows me , DD, where I live etc....

And as well as the other parent I waved at at least 5 other people on my shop run...who would all also know DD2 and where she lived etc... And no-one would hesitate to help/interfere if a DC was in trouble (or being naughty) ...

OP posts:
MrsWinnibago · 17/07/2014 23:18

I think that your reaction to DH going out is due to regret at letting DD play out alone at her age. Small community or not, 8.00pm is evening...night time...though it's light it is still late...too late for a 7 year old.

You say people would help if DD was in bother....if this is the case then why are you panicking because your DP went out? Your 13 year old was in...as your other DD should have been.

Original poster
unlucky83 · 17/07/2014 23:36

If she was in bother they might not know my mobile /home phone no but they know where I live...If I or DP home there is an adult available to deal with problem straight away - otherwise DD1 needs to phone me and I need to get back - and the off chance I had broken down or had an accident etc etc...
If I had know he was going to decide to go out I wouldn't have 'risked' going to the shop - would have stayed in - walked along to check a couple of times - maybe even stayed in the park...

OP posts:
GoblinLittleOwl · 17/07/2014 23:48

You let a seven year old go to a playing field 5 minutes away, across a busy main road, with only two 8 year olds?

OwlCapone · 18/07/2014 02:58

Why are you asking if you are unreasonable when clearly you won't consider any views that differ from yours?

mynewpassion · 18/07/2014 04:04

Did you just want to have a go at your DH? He made a reasonably good decision.

I am more concerned about the 7 year-old than the 13 year-old, unless you are going to dripfeed something like the older one once threw a wild party or started a fire in the house so can't be trusted. Since you haven't said so that we would be on your side instead of your DH's, I would reasonable assume that she is responsible enough to be left alone for 10 minutes.

MyPrettyToes · 18/07/2014 04:32

Goodness, yabu.

When I read the op, I was Shock at the idea of letting a 7yo out to play at at 8pm with 8year old friends, small community or not. Then you wrote:
hard to say no you can't when her friends do it all the time...and they are there when she asks!!!! So what? Why on earth would you let a couple of 8year olds dictate how you parent?

OP, I really don't want to sound harsh but it seems you have your worries backwards. What you DH was fine, not ideal but something I would have shrugged at.

We occasionally do late bedtimes in the holidays but only when we have movie night or sleepovers. Never ever, would I let my 8 year old ds (who is very responsible and independent) out to play where I or my Dh could not see him at the time of night. I think you made a really bad call there.