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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DP shouldn't have gone out - even for '10 mins'?

118 replies

unlucky83 · 17/07/2014 21:00

This evening I let DD2 (7) go to the playing field at 7pm for 30 mins with two friends (both just 8) ... about 5 min walk away, pretty safe quiet area but still across a main road and a side road...first time I've let her go without an adult/older sibling....

We needed bread and milk from the shop (DP forgot to get earlier)...about 5 min drive away.
Told DP I would get it and check on DD2 on the way - maybe let her stay a bit longer as I knew one of the other children needed to be home by 8pm anyway. So after 20 mins I told DP I was going and he reminded me to check on DD2! .
Saw DD2 told her she could stay until 8pm -at same time we saw another of her friends with her parent and we had a chat etc...so I was out a bit longer than I planned. Then I went to shop. Coming back saw DP drive past me! He waved etc...I was .
He came back just after 8pm... his friend had lost something and asked DP to check he hadn't left it somewhere they had been earlier...
I said he shouldn't have gone out ... left no adult at home - what if she had an accident etc...
What if my car had broken down etc - he should have waited till I got home...

He said there was no reason for him to stay in when DD2 was out!
And it was only for 10 mins anyway (actually more like 20!) and not as if house was locked up - DD1 (13) was at home...

So who is BU? Am I overreacting? I know the likelihood of something happening was minimal...but I think he should have waited for me to get home...not like it was an emergency...
You just can't disappear off somewhere because your DC is playing out???

OP posts:

Florrieboo · 18/07/2014 04:50

I imagine your DH assumed that you had stayed with your 7yo at the park and that was why you weren't back. Surely if you had broken down or something you would have rung the house phone to tell him.

CheerfulYank · 18/07/2014 05:02

My 7 year old was playing out til 9:30 tonight. Not out of sight/sound though.

Yabu about the other stuff IMO...I let a 13 year old baby sit my two (ages seven and one)

Delphiniumsblue · 18/07/2014 06:49

I don't know why you asked as you are clearly not going to change your mind. The 13yr old was at home, both parents were not far away and you were supposed to be back at any minute- I can't see the problem.

SanityClause · 18/07/2014 07:01

In what possible scenario was this a problem? What could conceivably have happened that could not have happened if your DH was at home?

You are just being illogical, and should apologise to your DH not for "overreacting" - there was nothing to react to! - but for making something out of nothing.

LiberalLibertines · 18/07/2014 07:07

YABU in regards to your dp.

YANBU to let your 7 yr old go to a park 5 mins away with two other children.

hercules1 · 18/07/2014 07:18

Sorry I couldn't past you letting your 7 year old out alone and crossing main road. I don't count the 2 eight year olds as they are also far too young to be responsible for your dd.

Therefore Yabu as your boundaries are already quite flimsy so dh going out is no big deal especially as you had 13 year old at home.

mummytime · 18/07/2014 07:29

I was on your side, until I read your 13 year old was at home.

Sorry YABU. If you let a 7 year old play out, then you should be fine for a 13 year old to look after them for 10 minutes.

todayisnottheday · 18/07/2014 07:40

Op considering the pretty unanimous response I think you need to reconsider your attitude towards your dp going out. The stuff you are saying to defend the park trip actually underpins how unreasonable you were there (unless you think all those people you know/waved to etc would help dd2 when she was alone but suddenly wouldn't help when she was with dd1?)

Wrt "what if dd1 called and I had a flat tyre" you would talk her through the situation on the phone! There aren't many situations a 13yo can't handle with an adult on the end of the phone and most of those would mean she'd need to call emergency assistance anyway!

YABU.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 18/07/2014 08:50

This is really about your discomfort at her going out without an adult.
I think it's useful for you to recognise that tbh, so that you don't do that again until you feel ready. Your initial reaction (to not let her go) was correct and your feelings about DP leaving the house have confirmed you were right.
Trust your instincts next time and don't be swayed by a group of 8 y.olds.

Joysmum · 18/07/2014 08:57

I think you've hot a very skewed idea of risk. YABU and your husband was right.

Gileswithachainsaw · 18/07/2014 09:00

Yabu

There's something very wrong if your 13 yr old can't vile home alone for ten mins.

Gileswithachainsaw · 18/07/2014 09:01

I let my dd (7) play out with a friend unsupervised but not across a main rd.

VioletHare · 18/07/2014 09:04

If the 'bother' was such that she could get home- such as bumps and scrapes, silly argument with friend...then there would be no problem in her waiting at home with the 13 year old until one of you got back.

If the problem was more major, such as being run over on the main road you're allowing your 7 year old to cross alone...then it wouldn't make any difference if you were home or not.

MrsWinnibago · 18/07/2014 10:08

The fact is that no 7 year old is equipped to cope in an emergency or accident situation and cross a road to get home. Which is why 7 is too young to be out so late without a sibling or parent to watch them. After 8 pm the streets change...this is when people are going out for a drink, socialising, teenagers come out to socialise together and 7 year olds shouldn't be out alone.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 18/07/2014 10:11

YABU. A 13 year old can stay in the house alone. Dare I admit that I leave my 11 year old alone in the house for an hour or go to the gym. In my defence, my mum lives 5 minutes away but he would rather stay at home on the xbox. As for you OP, if the worst had happened and DD2 has been injured then presumably DD1 could have contacted one of you easily.

Viviennemary · 18/07/2014 10:16

I'd be more concerned about a seven year old playing in a field esoecially at that time of night. But if you were happy with that I can't see the problem with your DP going out if your other DD was at home.

monkeyfacegrace · 18/07/2014 10:17

My 7 & 5 year olds play out unsupervised constantly, but they have to be in by 7pm. 8 is ridiculous, and I'm as laid back as they come.

And YABVU re your DH. He did nothing wrong.

redskybynight · 18/07/2014 10:25

Risk assess it.

This is only a problem if

DD has an accident/incident at park that is not so severe that she can't get home
but is so severe that the 13 year old can't manage it
and the 13 year old can't get hold of either of you (or a neighbour??)
and is serious enough that it can't wait for either of you to get home

(I am ruling out the possibility that you both spontaneously combust so that the DC are both home alone for hours btw).

I'm with others that leaving DD in the park is the more risky scenario. What would DD do if she had an in-park accident that prevented her from getting home? Could friends be relied on to alert an adult?

Original poster

unlucky83 · 18/07/2014 10:36

I agree with Amanda - I think it was because I wasn't particularly comfortable with DD2 going...I did overreact.
But he didn't need to go straight away.
And I wouldn't have gone to the shop if I'd known

And repeat not worried about the 13 yo being on her own...

But not comfortable leaving the 13 yo to deal with any bumps and scrapes even...
When the 13 yo was about 10 she came home sobbing, almost incoherent, hysterical. She wasn't a child prone to crying.
Took me a few minutes to calm her down enough to find out what had happened.
She'd fallen off the roundabout at speed ...did have a few nasty bruises and a scraped knee but mainly had a massive shock ...she'd held the tears in till she was almost home.
It gave me a fright - DP felt out of his depth.

I don't think it would be fair for a 13 yo to deal with that... or fair on the 7 yo to not have a parent at home where she expected them to be...

OP posts:

TheRealAmandaClarke · 18/07/2014 11:10

I can see where you're coming from. Just because a 13 yo is ok to be left alone doesn't mean they can take care of a distressed younger sibling.

BackforGood · 18/07/2014 11:21

Well, I know my 12 yr old could - or my 18 and 15 yr olds could have when they were 13.
My 15yr old has been babysitting for others since she was 14.

If you don't think your 13 yr old could cope with her sister turning up crying, having fallen, when both of you were about 5 mins away, and you live in such a friendly place with people all around to wave / chat to, then I'd be looking at what you could be doing to boost your 13 yr old's skill level / confidence / independence skills tbh.

OwlCapone · 18/07/2014 11:33

So you admit you were over reacting and yet are still over reacting and blaming him.

titchy · 18/07/2014 11:51

When the 13 yo was about 10 she came home sobbing, almost incoherent, hysterical. She wasn't a child prone to crying.
Took me a few minutes to calm her down enough to find out what had happened.
She'd fallen off the roundabout at speed ...did have a few nasty bruises and a scraped knee but mainly had a massive shock ...she'd held the tears in till she was almost home.
It gave me a fright - DP felt out of his depth.

But you still after that experience let your dd2, three years younger, go the park unsupervised.

punygod · 18/07/2014 15:26

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LiberalLibertines · 18/07/2014 15:30

Care to elaborate puny?

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