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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask why we bring children into this world when it's so shit?

102 replies

kirsten123 · 15/07/2014 20:42

I haven't got any children of my own.

I wish my mother had never had me. I'm 31 and all I have is a shit job, living in a rented room, miles away from my parents, overweight, alcoholism, debt, cheated on, dumped (different guys) - you name it, I've done it. But wonderfully, I can look forward to working til I'm 70.

Cheers for that. And to think a knitting needle could have solved the problem.

Honestly though - why do you have children when there is so much shit they will have to deal with?

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 15/07/2014 20:44

I have five children.

I ask myself this all the time.

I have no answer.

Three of mine have been hell and back already and the oldest is only 15.

OddFodd · 15/07/2014 20:47

I'm sorry your life is so crap :( You sound very unhappy.

Is there any reason why you need to stay where you are? Can you get away? Go travelling? Volunteer somewhere?

Do you have any ideas why you are so unhappy?

bellarations · 15/07/2014 20:48

Well, I agree in so far as "some" people shouldn't have children. I'm afriad that includes you at the moment with your outlook. Hopefully one day you will see the world as fabulous place with very many wonderful experiences to be had.
As a mother to 5 children I think yabvvvvvvvu indeed.

AMumInScotland · 15/07/2014 20:51

Because there's good stuff too!

I'm sorry that your life's miserable at the moment, but it doesn't have to be. Maybe a chat with the GP could get you pointed in the direction of some help? It's not normal to wish you'd never been born, it's depression. Ad people can help you with that if you let them.

Original poster
kirsten123 · 15/07/2014 20:52

My contract ends in Dec/Jan and I can't just leave as I'd be letting people down.

Then I will probably just have to move back home with the parentals for the first time in 8 years.

I just feel like such a fraud. They wasted money on educating me, feeding me etc when I'm a) underachieving, b) miserable anyway.

Feel so trapped by life. Feel like I'm waiting for them to snuff it so I can follow suit without upsetting them. But they're only 60 and in good health!

OP posts:
Original poster
kirsten123 · 15/07/2014 20:54

I've been on antidepressants since I was 16 but I've pretty much always felt this way. Perhaps I am seeing things clearly and everyone else is kidding themselves about "life is wonderful".

OP posts:
Igggi · 15/07/2014 20:56

Do you think your parents will see the effort they put into you as a "waste"? I'm quite sure they do not.

Original poster
kirsten123 · 15/07/2014 20:58

I mean if I kill myself, it will have been a waste.

But I don't want to go on either. I feel like I've tried out life and found it doesn't suit me. Why is it such a taboo to just "opt-out"?

OP posts:
tilliebob · 15/07/2014 21:00

My father was born during WW2. Why were babies being born then?

I was heavily pg when 9/11 happened and wondered wtf I was going to bring a baby into.

When I was little and there were 3 day weeks and strikes everywhere and power shortages, my poor mum was boiling kettles to hand wash terry nappies and crying about the life I would have.

Babies will always be born and there are no guarantees in life.
Mothers will always worry about the world their dcs life in.

LEMmingaround · 15/07/2014 21:00

I suffer from anxiety and depression. I actually think that life is pretty good. Its not shit. There are many many wonderful things. You have to look for them. They are generally right there under your nose. Birds. Butterflies. A cup of tea. The sun on your face. It has taken me a LONG time to appreciate these things and very often I can't do it. Sometimes I feel like everything is dark and cold. You sound intelligent and caring. Thats two positives right there.

Original poster
kirsten123 · 15/07/2014 21:04

Thanks for the responses. Quite surprised no-one has told me to buck the fuck up and stop being a selfish cow. Which is the general gist of what my mum said! (Tough love is her approach).

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 15/07/2014 21:17

Well I daresay if you COULD buck yourself up you would so that would be a bit pointless. Depression is an illness its not as simple as just bucking yourself up.

You CAN make positive steps yourself. Exercise is a great mood lifter. Ironic of course because whwn you are depressed the last thing you want to do is exercise. Worth forcing yourself if you can. Counselling can help although it has to be right.

Could you retrain? Anything you fancy trying?

Maybe go and have a conversation with your gp. I imagine you are due a meds review. What ads do you take?

joanofarchitrave · 15/07/2014 21:25

Those feelings stopped me having a child for a while, but the urge to have one was stronger. I do feel guilty sometimes that I've made someone else live when life is so hard at times. However, that guilt doesn't exist all the time and I also know that my son enjoys life a lot of the time too. I can tell you too that having him has been a source of deep joy too, as well as the hard bits.

I wonder if your mum perhaps suffers from depression too, and is scared to talk about it in case she is unable to get you to 'keep cheerful'?

Like Lemming, I think it sounds as if your depression is lapping at your toes. The ADs have clearly kept you functioning but that doesn't mean you're not still low. Life doesn't always look this awful. You will have better days than this.

I don't know how you feel your relationship with alcohol is now, but you will know whether it's playing a role in making you so down at the minute?

tilliebob · 15/07/2014 21:31

Ach for all her gnashing of teeth in the 70's, my mum is a tough love mum too and is forever telling me to buck the fuck up too Grin.

I think it's because if she showed any sympathy to me (anxiety sufferer) we'd both be a wailing mess!

AtSea1979 · 15/07/2014 21:38

OP I can relate to exactly how you felt. So many times I wanted to end it all, I used to say my children were better off without me and people would try to rationalise with me that they weren't and I'd reply that actually they didn't understand and yes they are. Sometimes living isn't a good option.
At the moment I'm not depressed and feel like they are doing fine with me and its good to be alive.
OP all I can say is the world isn't this shit for everyone and one day at some point you will look back and you will want to live because life is good and you are optimistic about the future.
On a practical note, you must stop thinking about letting others down and think about what you need to make your life a happier place to be.

OddFodd · 15/07/2014 21:41

I actually used to feel pretty much like you do. Then I had a child and life became a lot more meaningful. I think it saved my life. I don't hold my child responsible for my life but he's made it worth living - I'm trying to make the world a better place for him to be. I had a bit of a fucked up childhood but I hope I'm doing it better for my DS.

Are you loved? Do you know you are loved for who you are?

exhaustedmummymoo · 15/07/2014 21:44

OP you sound really really low if you have been on anti depressants since 16 and now 31, something is not working, you need to go back to your GP and see what other help, along side antideps. Is available maybe cognitive behavioural therapy? I know its hard to get on NHS but it helps and has a sound evidence base. Yes there is shit in the world, yes some children are born in to terrible circumstances/ trauma but there is also a lot of good, problem is good news doesnt sell so we get a biased and often negative view of the world. There is also just the biological need to breed too!

WandaFuca · 15/07/2014 22:08

I may be misreading the situation, but I wonder how supportive your parents have been in the past. You've been on ADs since you were 16, your mother does that "tough love" thing - buck the fuck up and stop being a selfish cow. It doesn't sound to me like you've been nurtured very well.

On the other hand, this is what you have said: My contract ends in Dec/Jan and I can't just leave as I'd be letting people down. Although it's a shit job, you nevertheless display a sense of responsibility to whoever you would let down if you left.

I'm trying very hard not to play an amateur psychologist or whatever, but I wonder if you're seeing yourself through your mother's eyes, rather than your own. Perhaps it would be worth going back to your GP and asking for some counselling, to try to unpack your childhood and family experience. It might be that your other issues could be much easier to resolve if you had a clearer idea of the root cause of them.

QueenTilly · 15/07/2014 22:13

I can only echo WandaFuca. Go to the GP, because you don't deserve to feel like life is shit.

(hugs)
I am certainly not going to tell you to "buck up". It sounds like you've been trying that!

settingsitting · 15/07/2014 22:17

It doesnt sound like the way your mother brought you up did you any favours.

Iggly · 15/07/2014 22:20

Yabu. Yes life is hard for you but you can change it.

My children are happy. I'm mostly happy. Overall we have a desire to survive and reproduce. All living things do. Some individuals won't obviously.

PacificDogwood · 15/07/2014 22:24

I have no idea why anybody ever has any children.

I wanted, and had, 4 Confused.

You sound very upset and bitter.
What support do you have?
Have you been to see your GP? Any plans to address debt/alcohol/weight/general downs?

You sound utterly fed up and defeated Sad.
I agree get some help to look at your life and your upbringing and see what you can turn around.

Life can be a great adventure but I still don't know why I had kids

brdgrl · 15/07/2014 22:28

The world is a shitty place, but some people work hard to make it better. I hope that my kids will be ones that do that, and try to raise them with that in mind. I've decided that if only the people who don't care, have kids, the world will just keep getting worse.

I'm sorry you're feeling so hopeless, OP. In my own experience, it does help to just focus on small things of beauty and nurture them. I have never been much of a gardener, but I understand why people find it so satisfying. Find something you get pleasure from, no matter how 'insignificant' it seems, and do it every day.

TortoiseUpATreeAgain · 15/07/2014 22:28

If you could buck yourself up, you wouldn't be depressed.

I do think it's worth going back to your GP; perhaps a different antidepressant would suit you better, in combination with some CBT if you can persuade them to fund it?

You deserve to enjoy life more than you are doing at the moment.

livelablove · 15/07/2014 22:28

It can be a hard life at times but it can be a wonderful life too. Its not the amazing things always, just the normal nice things. Connecting with friends and family. Having a laugh. A nice meal. Even a shit job can have something to make it worthwhile. I think that is what makes people able to go on. When you are feeling really down you miss out on all that stuff. I hope you get some help to feel a bit better.