Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to ask why we bring children into this world when it's so shit?

102 replies

kirsten123 · 15/07/2014 20:42

I haven't got any children of my own.

I wish my mother had never had me. I'm 31 and all I have is a shit job, living in a rented room, miles away from my parents, overweight, alcoholism, debt, cheated on, dumped (different guys) - you name it, I've done it. But wonderfully, I can look forward to working til I'm 70.

Cheers for that. And to think a knitting needle could have solved the problem.

Honestly though - why do you have children when there is so much shit they will have to deal with?

OP posts:
MNHQ
RowanMumsnet · 17/07/2014 12:10

Hello kirsten123; we're sorry to see you're having a tough time of it at the moment.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here.

We'd also like to echo the advice of other posters who have recommended seeking RL help and support from qualified professionals.

Finally, we've had a few reports saying that they think this thread might be better in our Mental Health section. We can see you're getting plenty of help and support here in AIBU, but if you'd like the thread moved do please hit the 'report' button and let us know.

Best Flowers
MNHQ

Original poster
kirsten123 · 17/07/2014 12:23

Thanks, Rowan!

OP posts:
ScouseBird8364 · 17/07/2014 13:07

NotNew but they do, and I believe only people who HAVE children can relate to this. Though I also think that people who don't / can't have children believe life is worth living for other reasons.

I don't think it's fair for someone who has not got children to disagree, as your priorities, feelings, dreams, everything change when children come into your lives

ScouseBird8364 · 17/07/2014 13:09

OP, I'm going to have to be blunt here, but if you are adamant that you don't want help anymore, can I ask why you've creayed this thread? Either to stir up reactions regarding our children or attention seeking as opposed to a serious MH need?

Denizen · 17/07/2014 13:22

Like all animals we have an instinctive drive to reproduce. For many women logic doesn't come into it, doesn't matter how bad their circumstances are. They keep having children because they like little babies, or enjoy being pregnant, even though they can't cope with the ones they've got.
Some women can overcome the urge to get pregnant, perhaps the instinct isn't so strong or maybe they just think more carefully about things.

brdgrl · 17/07/2014 13:25

Well, I just posted on the "how old were you when you had kids" thread. I had my DD at 40. My life was certainly not meaningless before then, even when I felt that it was. And if I didn't have DD now, my life would still not be meaningless. I also didn't find that my feelings and dreams changed once I had her - they've remained pretty much the same, with maybe some of the fine detail adjusted. Yes, my priorities shifted, but I wouldn't call it a dramatic overhauling, either.

Speaking for myself, I didn't have a child in order to bring meaning to my life. I had her so that I could share what was meaningful to me with a child, as others have done with me. And because, as I said before, I see it as a socially responsible thing to do (that sounds dreadful, but I hope YSWIM).

That to me is what life is about, making those connections with other people. Because I have been affected with both depression and social anxiety in my life, I have not always found it easy to make those connections. But they are too important to turn your back on, OP.

You do not have to have children to find joy and meaning in life. But of course it is also true that people with children find them a source of joy and meaning. Other people find that joy and meaning elsewhere.

Scouse, I do think that the OP wants/needs some attention. Nothing wrong with that, really. If she is down and lonely and wants some attention, she's not hurting anyone, and no one has to reply if they're not sympathetic, after all.

Igggi · 17/07/2014 17:10

Children didn't bring meaning to my life, in a way they made it meaningless as for the first time I had other people who I would sacrifice my life for and feel I'd lost nothing in doing so.
They didn't bring meaning: they brought love. More than I could ever imagine. And laughter, and tears obviously too. I guess they just magnified everything.

Original poster
kirsten123 · 19/07/2014 22:28

Hello again everyone,

Thanks for all the comments, it gave me a lot to think about.

I've spoken to my parents and told them a little about how I've been feeling. They were horrified and have assured me they will support me to change career etc, anything that makes life worth living again! I would never do anything stupid because I could never hurt them so I have taken the first tiny steps to trying to make a life for myself. Eg today I actually got showered and dressed even though I didn't have to go to work and I went out and bought a few new clothes in bright colours. On the basis that I am not going to kill myself, I better TRY and enjoy life. I also bought some healthy food and have made plans to treat my body a little better.

I don't expect it will be an easy journey but it's one I have no choice but to take.

Thanks again everyone.
Kirsten

OP posts:
brdgrl · 19/07/2014 23:00

Thanks for posting again, Kirsten. Well done! I'm so glad your parents are offering you support.

KeatsiePie · 19/07/2014 23:02

kirsten that's so great. I'm glad your parents were so supportive and glad you've done those things for yourself!

I hope you'll call your GP on Monday. It sounds like chances are very high that you really are not on the right AD or the right amount for you. As others have said that's really common.

I wrote this whole long screed about depression and how tricky and insidious it is, but deleted b/c it sounded presumptuous/preachy. But just wanted to say, if you begin to feel miserable again after having had a happier day today, that is just part of how horrible depression works. It does NOT mean that your happier day was not real or did not mean anything, so don't give in. This day was VERY important. Let it be a day you hang on to if you feel despair again Thanks

ElsiePartridge · 19/07/2014 23:08

There are far many people in a shittier situation than you! Feel lucky you have parents, a roof over your head, food and warmth, people who love you. People go through alot worse stuff than you and yes you do need to grow up, buck your ideas up and get on with your life cos it sounds like your wasting it by hating it!

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 19/07/2014 23:12

Elsie did you come on this thread just to write that smug, patronising post? Maybe I'm odd, but the thought of someone else struggling worse than me doesn't fill me with glee.

maddening · 19/07/2014 23:46

Life can be lovely - it is possible for you to get there with the right help so reach out - yes it'll be hard and challenging but do you really want this as it is now ? Unfortunately only you can get yourself there - all we can do is hope you get the help you need as it really can be a wonderful thing to be alive and you should experience that.

maddening · 19/07/2014 23:48

Sorry should have read the thread - sounds like you're making the right moves! :)

Pandora37 · 19/07/2014 23:55

kirsten, I commented on your other thread but you are entitled to feel unhappy with your life. Depression is a very debilitating illness and I can only imagine how exhausted you are when you've had it such a long time. I've had it since childhood and I despair sometimes knowing that it's never going to go away, how am I potentially going to live for 90 years like this?!

I'm sure Elsie would say the same to me, I have a nice family, a roof over my head, am training for a job that many people would kill for but is causing me immense stress and unhappiness. I spent years believing that I was a horrible, selfish person because I was born into a loving, comfortably off family yet I hated myself and wished I was dead. I've now accepted it's an illness that isn't my fault.

I do hope you see your GP again and get some counselling, if you haven't done already. Or maybe even ask to be referred to a psychiatrist, they may have more ideas on how to help you. It's great your parents are supporting you, hopefully that will be a weight off your mind. Thanks

ElsiePartridge · 20/07/2014 05:13

Sorry but it's true. Not meaning to be patronising at all, but imagine how her parents must feel hearing the things she feels. I understand she has a problem but she has to address it. I work with people who are in far far worse situations and still manage to have a positive outlook. All I'm saying is she is lucky she has people who want her to be happy and want to offer help and support. So use it, enjoy life, be grateful for what you have. By no means does her happiness bring me GLEE, what a silly comment. Not exactly helping OP is it...... Good luck with some guidance and I hope you get the help you need

shockinglybadteacher · 20/07/2014 05:48

Kirsten, I have a small thought which could possibly be helpful, are you on the wrong meds? Docs will stick you on citralopram because it is easy and cheap. Both my brother and I ended up on it and it didn't work for either of us. He has major depressive disorder, and they started him on a new pill which isn't an SSRI and the improvement has been massive. He's a completely different and happier person, he's also doing stuff he's never done before.

Perhaps if you talked to your doc again? I hate to think of you feeling so bad, but I suspect there may be a solution.

shockinglybadteacher · 20/07/2014 06:10

Elsie, if the OP is seriously depressed, it doesn't work like that. "Cheer up, worse things happen at sea" isn't super helpful. It's a mental illness, so asking her to just set things aside and behave normally isn't going to happen.

Mental illnesses are weird and cause you to do weird stuff.

Delphiniumsblue · 20/07/2014 06:45

Some good replies, particularly from pointythings.
I think you need to get out of the very vicious circle that you are in - and need more help, starting with your GP.
I think you need to be able to appreciate the very small things in life to be happy. The circle is that you can't appreciate the small things because you are depressed and you are depressed because you can't appreciate the small things.
Breaking out of the circle is the answer, but not easy.

Timetoask · 20/07/2014 07:22

I was so glad to read your latest post op. Find support, you cannot do this on your own.

Ops question about why people have children was a red hairing, she was talking about herself and her life. Your life can have huge value without children.

Looking after your body and mind is a hugely important first step. Good luck

Delphiniumsblue · 20/07/2014 07:28

Just getting up, showered etc and having some new bright clothes is the first tiny step out of your circle. Good luck.

Longtalljosie · 20/07/2014 07:43

Do mention to your GP as well the 24 hours up and unable to sleep, writing lists etc, then being unable to get out of bed. I wondered about bipolar at that point and then you mentioned your mum was... I don't want to alarm you (and I have no specialist knowledge at all so am probably talking utter bollocks!) but if that is part if the issue, getting the right meds will help.

I'm so sorry you feel like this. 10 years ago I was in a very similar place. I'm not now. I hope you move past it too.

tobysmum77 · 20/07/2014 07:54

elsie there is always someone worse off. There will be someone somewhere worse off than the people you work with. It doesn't mean that problems aren't real and that depression plus the ops situation isn't hard Hmm .

Hope you feel better soon op. there's a whole world of opportunities and happiness in this tough world. Here's Brew to going and finding it Thanks

Timetoask · 20/07/2014 08:04

Sorry "herring"

greysar · 20/07/2014 09:33

So glad to hear that Kirsten. Please consider going back to your GP- the right diagnosis and ADs can really help whilst you make things better x