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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inlaws and Xmas

82 replies

Yourhonestopinion · 15/07/2014 19:52

Just want honest unbiased opinions please.
Been with DH over 8 years and have 1 year old baby. We see my family a lot I work with my dad and my mum helps put with looking after dc.
We don't see dh family as much his parents every 3 weeks or so for a quick cuppa and his sister very rarely she's seen our baby about 7 times or so all when we've arranged to go over etc.
Now we've always took Xmas in turn one year we have my family next his, this year will be is families turn to come over (we haven't invited them yet though) but I'm thinking this seems unfair to me they don't really bother with us all year then rock up at Xmas when is rather be spending it with my side. I think I will get flamed but it just doesn't sit right with me

OP posts:
Happy36 · 15/07/2014 19:54

I think you should invite them and keep the year on / year off tradition. If it´s not broken, don´t fix it, as they say.

You can have "fake Christmas" (or New Year, or Easter, etc.) with your family too.

Fairenuff · 15/07/2014 19:54

Planning ahead aren't you?

If you've always done his family one year and yours the next, what's changed?

If you don't want to host now you have a baby, that's fine, just tell everyone you'd rather stay home alone.

SaucyJack · 15/07/2014 19:56

If I saw my in-laws every three weeks I'd feel as though we were living in each other's pockets. Funny old world, innit?

I think YABU btw. Taking turns seems like the right thing to do. Your DP has a family too. It's not just about you.

Preciousbane · 15/07/2014 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CoffeeTea103 · 15/07/2014 19:57

It would be very wrong of you to change it just because the baby is here, that's just implying your dd is more yours than your DH.

Have Xmas eve with your family, and Xmas day with your il. It would be very obvious if you change it.

Original poster
Yourhonestopinion · 15/07/2014 19:57

Think whats changed is that since I've had my baby I see how much my family all help each other out and when we've had a couple of problems his family are nowhere to be seen and generally haven't bothered with the baby. But I guess it will cause a shitstorm if I change it now. :(

OP posts:
cardibach · 15/07/2014 19:57

It's only July.
However, are there 60 squillion members of your families? Is it possible to have both? Or, as Happy suggests, a separate 'Christmas' for each.

Pooka · 15/07/2014 19:58

YABU.

CarmineRose1978 · 15/07/2014 19:58

We see my Dad a couple of times a year, and the in laws at least once a month. They simply live much nearer... It doesn't mean my Dad can't be arsed. In fact, we're more likely to have him for Christmas than the in laws just because we don't see h&m as much. YABU.

Original poster
Yourhonestopinion · 15/07/2014 19:58

To clarify its every 3 weeks for about 30 mins they see their other grand kids a few time a week we live sane distance apart from them

OP posts:
thatstoast · 15/07/2014 19:59

Firstly, I have a rule with my parents (my mother!) and my in laws that I won't discuss xmas arrangements before November. This is a good rule to live by.

Secondly, I think you either need to say "Now we have a baby we just want Xmas at home" or carry on as you are. You seem to be implying that you want to stop the tradition and spend xmas with your parents instead? That's going to appear as a massive snub. Spend this xmas at home and then go to your parents next year? That's fair enough.

browneyedgirl86 · 15/07/2014 20:00

How does your DH feel about the contact? I don't think it's fair to him to tell
him his parents aren't coming although I can understand your reasoning. I wouldn't be worrying about Christmas right now though.

Gillian1980 · 15/07/2014 20:01

I'd either keep it the same or see neither.

We stated to our families that our first married Xmas and first one with kids would be only us. Agreed to see them on other days to celebrate with them instead.

Seeing them every 3 weeks is often by a lot of people's standards! Hardly fair to be critical that it isn't more frequent.

Fairenuff · 15/07/2014 20:02

I don't think it's fair to switch to your parents as it's not their turn. But if you just want to stay home alone, as your own little family, that would be fine.

wheresthelight · 15/07/2014 20:02

Yanbu but them I used to hate my exh family as they were all rude and ignorant people with vile table manners so eating dinner with them was worse than sitting in the stye with the pigs! But dues have to be paid so I would suck it up or invite everyone if you have space.

If not could you invite your side for lunch and have dhs family over for tea and cake in the evening?

MamaPain · 15/07/2014 20:02

Why don't you invite your parents too or invite them round in the evening/boxing day if you can't face cooking for so many?

LucilleBluth · 15/07/2014 20:03

Another sad thread for the mothers of boys :(

Scholes34 · 15/07/2014 20:12

If you're cooking a roast for five (assuming you, DH, PILs and SIL), it's not much more effort to cook for an additional two or three if you invite your parents too and let everyone muck in.

Bowlersarm · 15/07/2014 20:15

Sad ditto sad face mother of boys.

I am your doomed PIL-in-waiting. Can't do right for doing wrong.

Original poster
Yourhonestopinion · 15/07/2014 20:17

It would be sil dh and her 3 as well. Think I may just see how dh feels about just the 3 of us having Xmas this year and maybe for the next couple. We can see the family Xmas eve and Boxing Day instead maybe . Thanks this has been helpful

OP posts:
HighwayDragon · 15/07/2014 20:18

It's fucking July

Original poster
Yourhonestopinion · 15/07/2014 20:20

But Lucille and bowlers if you're a good pil and make an effort to see your sons children then this situation wouldn't come up would it? This has only arisen because they have not made effort of an effort and now I feel resentful. If they wanted to be close to their son and grandchild then surely they could see them one weekend instead of seeing their other grandchildren every weekend

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 15/07/2014 20:21

I'd think seeing inlaws every three weeks as a lot but different families different people. It would be a lot easier in the long run just to stick to the current arrangement of alternate Christmases. Don't make a thing of it as it just simply is not worth it. (I've seen this cause quite a bit of trouble in families and it shouldn't.)

ilovesooty · 15/07/2014 20:23

Exactly HighwayDragon

Bowlersarm · 15/07/2014 20:26

But OP, you have happily taken turns with Christmas over a large number of years.

It is only now, when you have a child, that you want to stop the turn of the PIL.

How do you think that will make them feel? Astonished, if nothing else. Upset, most definitely.