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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inlaws and Xmas

82 replies

Yourhonestopinion · 15/07/2014 19:52

Just want honest unbiased opinions please.
Been with DH over 8 years and have 1 year old baby. We see my family a lot I work with my dad and my mum helps put with looking after dc.
We don't see dh family as much his parents every 3 weeks or so for a quick cuppa and his sister very rarely she's seen our baby about 7 times or so all when we've arranged to go over etc.
Now we've always took Xmas in turn one year we have my family next his, this year will be is families turn to come over (we haven't invited them yet though) but I'm thinking this seems unfair to me they don't really bother with us all year then rock up at Xmas when is rather be spending it with my side. I think I will get flamed but it just doesn't sit right with me

OP posts:
PinklePurr · 15/07/2014 20:27

Unfortunately yourhonestopinion it would seem that whatever us mums of boys do we're screwed.
Lots of time with grandchildren - in the DiLs face.
Not so much time - we 'don't care'.
And how much time is 'correct' is dictated by the DiL.

Put yourself in your PiLs shoes please.

londonrach · 15/07/2014 20:28

Christmas...it's July..you planning ahead

SaucyJack · 15/07/2014 20:29

So you want to punish your in-laws for not visiting enough by stopping them from visiting? Well that makes sense. Said no one ever.

SaucyJack · 15/07/2014 20:29

So you want to punish your in-laws for not visiting enough by stopping them from visiting? Well that makes sense. Said no one ever.

ChoudeBruxelles · 15/07/2014 20:31

When we had ds I said we were staying at home for Christmas. My parents and in laws welcome to visit (not for Christmas dinner - both sets lived no farther than25 mins away) but we wanted to stay in our home. I'm glad we've done that as ds has got older.

We have since invited my parents and in laws(separately) for lunch. In laws never come as they don't want to leave their home for Christmas. My parents came a few times before they passed away.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 15/07/2014 20:35

I think it's July.

I also think you need to either spend this Christmas (in 5 months time) with your ILs, alone as a small family group or at your house with all GPs invited.

But mostly I think it's JULY.

pictish · 15/07/2014 20:39

I agree with Pinklepurr. I think seeing your in laws once every three weeks is actually pretty regular. You don't actually get to dictate what constitutes the correct amount of effort just because they are not in your back pocket like your own parents. Sacking them off at Christmas would be mean.

BlackeyedSusan · 15/07/2014 21:01

it's not about how much they see the grand children, but how much they see them in comparison to their other grandchildren.

I did a special party for ds's first christmas. boy did they throw a strop about it not being at a time convenient for sil to go home and tidy up before going back to work. never mind me driving up, with equipment for baby and child, no room for shopping, organising, shopping, preparing all the food between bf ds and entertaining small child, then doing the tidying up afterwards. ex had a sulk in the supermarket as he was going to dinner with his parents while I did the preparations and he wanted to leave me with the shopping and at least one child, possibly two so he could bugger off for lunch.

anyway, to get back on track,,, try a special something for baby's first christmas. just hope you get more gratitude from all involved.

ZenNudist · 15/07/2014 21:02

Agree its unfair to change arrangements now you have dc. Also think every 3 weeks is often. We see ILs every 6 weeks, my parents more loften (live closer) and alternate Christmases with each set of gps.

If your ILs get Christmas with your dc at 18 months your parents get first Christmas when dc starts to get more excited (2.5yo). It'll work out.

LastTango · 15/07/2014 21:04

Wails..........it's only JULY. Please please go away with your bloody Christmas threads Shock

MsVenus · 15/07/2014 21:27

Book a table at a restaurant/nice pub/bistro & say what time you have booked it for & invite both families to join you. Everyone is responsible for paying for their own meal & it's upto them if they join you or not.

DoJo · 15/07/2014 21:34

I'm thinking this seems unfair to me they don't really bother with us all year then rock up at Xmas when is rather be spending it with my side. I think I will get flamed but it just doesn't sit right with me

since I've had my baby

it will cause a shitstorm if I change it now.

I feel resentful.

Does your husband even get a say in this? All your posts are about you, how you feel about their involvement, and the fact that you call your child 'my baby' speaks volumes. Does your husband even know you feel like this about his family?

ADishBestEatenCold · 15/07/2014 21:47

I agree with the 'It's July', posters.

Reading this is just as irritating as seeing Chocolate Eggs in the shops in November!!!

I think you should cancel all December visits to all family homes and instead book a huge villa somewhere hot for the holiday. Then all the grandparents could go too.

Vote on it, anyone? Grin

storynanny2 · 15/07/2014 22:01

Pinklepurr, you are so right! I am a mother in law with 3 sons. I have come to the conclusion as a DIL and now as a MIL, that it is definitely best if families with young children stay in their own homes on Christmas Day and then no one feels they have been put second or third in line. It is only one day, there are other times over the festive season maybe for family visits.

Lazymama2 · 15/07/2014 22:12

If your parents see the baby all the time maybe now's the chance to let the PIL spend longer with him/her. You never know maybe all parties will enjoy it and they may start to help out more. Its one day and you should think of your DH and child's feelings too.

Ronmione · 15/07/2014 22:20

Another sad thread for the mothers of boys

^ this 100 times over. I would bet money on the op spending Christmas with her family every year from now on, then moaning that mil doesn't show an interest in the dc.

does your mil feel welcome in your home, does she feel she can pitch in and help. Or she too busy treading on eggshell hoping she doesn't offend you and end up with you going non contact.

ApocalypseThen · 15/07/2014 22:23

I doubt this is coming from nowhere, and I'd say your parents in law feel exactly as unwelcome as they clearly are, and that's why you don't see too much of them.

DizzyKipper · 15/07/2014 22:28

This is really more about you being resentful about the inequality in how they treat your child and how they treat their other GC, isn't it? Which I think is fair for you to feel resentful over, but I don't think Christmas is the appropriate time to make a battle over it. It would be better to try addressing the inequality of their attention now - could you or your husband bring it up, say casually how you feel a bit sad that they're not getting to spend as much time with your DC and see if you could make arrangements to see them more frequently?

Also, traditions change after having a child anyway. We used to spend Christmas morning at MIL's and the afternoon at my parents'. Now we have our own family we want to get quality time to ourselves so see one family at Christmas Eve and the other on Boxing Day, Christmas is our's. If you're going to change what you do make sure you do it fairly, not out of resentment.

DamnBamboo · 15/07/2014 22:37

You see them every three weeks. How is that hardly not bothering?

bobsnotmyuncle · 15/07/2014 22:37

Firstly, yes it's July, but we have 3 sets of grandparents to keep happy and have to start Xmas negotiations around early Sept so I feel your pain.

Secondly, play the long game. As a PP said, Christmas with a 2.5 year old is sooo much more fun than with an 18 month old, dd just didn't 'get' Xmas at that age. Best of luck!

Original poster
Yourhonestopinion · 15/07/2014 22:38

ron think that's unfair actually don't assume what I'm going to do.
I will take on board some of these comments Dojo think your post was quite an eye opener for me i hadn't realised I was doing that.
I have spoken to Dh in general as he has mentioned a few times he's surprise that his sis and parents don't spend much time with our baby as he expected and that his parents see more of his sis kids. Think my main point was really the unfairness and that actually I feel quite hurt in all honesty that they don't see or seem to want to spend more time with this grandchild but agree that making that point over the Xmas arrangements is a bad idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yourhonestopinion · 15/07/2014 22:39

Dizzy you said that in yours much better than I worded it you hit the nail on the head

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 15/07/2014 22:39

what does it matter what month it is??? If it is causing the OP issues it could be January and it wouldn't matter. You idiots making stupid comments either sod off or make some constructive suggestions

DamnBamboo · 15/07/2014 22:40

And do you bother with them? Invite them round? Ask them to be involved?

You sound incredibly self-indulgent - me, me, me!

Your poor MIL and your poor DH

FunkyBoldRibena · 15/07/2014 22:40

I agree with the 'it's July' comments. However I also think that you are an adult couple, and if you want to spend Christmases in your own home or at your mothers then just do it.