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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inlaws and Xmas

82 replies

Yourhonestopinion · 15/07/2014 19:52

Just want honest unbiased opinions please.
Been with DH over 8 years and have 1 year old baby. We see my family a lot I work with my dad and my mum helps put with looking after dc.
We don't see dh family as much his parents every 3 weeks or so for a quick cuppa and his sister very rarely she's seen our baby about 7 times or so all when we've arranged to go over etc.
Now we've always took Xmas in turn one year we have my family next his, this year will be is families turn to come over (we haven't invited them yet though) but I'm thinking this seems unfair to me they don't really bother with us all year then rock up at Xmas when is rather be spending it with my side. I think I will get flamed but it just doesn't sit right with me

OP posts:
Janethegirl · 15/07/2014 22:42

Just do what you want to do OP, as long as your dh agrees with your decision. It must however be a joint decision otherwise you leave yourselves open for years of arguments.
I'd personally stay at home with your dc and see family on other dates ie Xmas eve or Boxing Day, and stuck with that arrangement for ever more.

sanfairyanne · 15/07/2014 22:42

maybe your dh's sister invites them over more? does your dh make much effort to get them over?

anyhow, once every 3 weeks for inlaws and every 6 weeks for sil would be loads for us

we see my parents weekly during the week as i invite them over
we see my sister once or twice a year
we see brother in law less than that
we see mil every 6 weeks or so

Ronmione · 15/07/2014 22:43

I missed your second post, and I can see why you would get pissed of over feeling that your mil and family make more of an effort with sil, that would get to me too.

Ronmione · 15/07/2014 22:44

Sorry posted to soon, but do you invite them over? Make then know they are welcome?

Original poster
Yourhonestopinion · 15/07/2014 22:45

Of course we invite them and make arrangements with them a lot it doesn't pan out very often though which is a shame. Don't send my dh any sympathy he's perfectly happy and I've not pecked his head about this I've mused on it in private and now on here where I've accepted I was wrong about Xmas so give me a break please damn

OP posts:
Original poster
Yourhonestopinion · 15/07/2014 22:46

Ronnie that was to damn not you. But you'll see that I do make arrangements as above

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 15/07/2014 22:50

Ok, fair point.
Apologies.
I wasn't aware that you made an effort with them and also that your DH is ok with this?

Can I ask though, if you see your family as much as you do and send invitations to your ILs as much as you do, what on earth is the appeal about spending so much time with family?

It seems like a lot! Just MO of course

rollonthesummer · 15/07/2014 22:50

Do you ever go to your mils or SIL's for Xmas or do they always come to you?

HaroldLloyd · 15/07/2014 22:52

No your being mean, it's even more reason to see them at Christmas if you see your family more in the year.

Grinch! Grinch!

And it's July.

wheresthelight · 15/07/2014 22:52

OP ignore the idiots who cannot be bothered to rtft.

If your DH agrees with you and feels that his family aren't making an effort then I think you should make him tell his parents that the plans have changes for this year.

I got railroaded into having to go to my own mother's last christmas when dd was 4 months old, all dp and i wanted was to spend it together just the 3 of us and it was awful. Stand your ground (or make DH). This year we have all 3 kids with us (2 dscs) and are toying with the idea of going to my nan's in london but is all dependent on other family plans re going abroad. so you are not alone in stressing about christmas in July - I have been stressing since April!

HaroldLloyd · 15/07/2014 22:53

Haha I am that idiot, bit it moved pretty quickly. Grin

ohfourfoxache · 15/07/2014 22:54

Please, please, please - stop with the "mum of boys" thing Sad

They type of mil you are does not depend on the sex of the baby you grow and push out and bring up.

Mils come in all shapes, sizes and temperaments. I've heard of some pretty fucking awful tales from blokes about their mils Sad. I've also heard some of some beautiful relationships where mils and dils adore each other.

The type of mil you are depends on you (providing of course that you have a semi reasonable, semi normal dil or sil).

I could not have done more to try to help or make welcome my mil over the years. Invited them for meals, Christmas, Boxing Day, new year (very few invites have ever been accepted, and we are seldom invited there). Cooked a weeks worth of meals for them when her father passed away, making sure that all that needed to be done was reheat. I even washed the fucking vegetables and bagged them up. I've driven mil around, picked up parcels for her, helped to clean not only their home repeatedly but also fil's mother's home before her funeral. Visit MIL's mother on a regular basis, in her nursing home whilst she is battling cancer and having just lost her husband, as they can't be bothered (her words, not mine). This is merely from the top of my head - there has been a lot in 14 years. And yet can they be bothered with DH and I? Can they fuck Sad

Sorry for the hijack op, but I'm so sick of reading that just because a woman has a son, she is automatically cast as a mil from hell. It has nothing to do with being a mil and everything to do with generally being a nice, normal person.

Morloth · 15/07/2014 22:56

Just invite everyone to your place and get people to bring stuff.

Then whoever shows up show up.

That is what I do, I don't like dragging the kids out of the house at Christmas so I don't, we have an open door and all are welcome (often have ring ins from friends/extended family).

I just drink a lot and have low standards, is a win win. Grin

sykadelic · 15/07/2014 22:57

I agree with changing Christmas, but not the way you're planning.

I'd do what others do and have Eve at one, Day at yours, and Boxing at anothers. That way no-one feels more or less special.

HaroldLloyd · 15/07/2014 22:57

I get where your coming from OP sorry I am guilty of missing your update.

Is there no middle way, could you arrange to see everyone?

Original poster
Yourhonestopinion · 15/07/2014 23:01

It's always been at ours or SILs but last few it's been at ours, But I really think reading this back I'm not going to do anything re;Xmas now. But I need to give some thought to the situation overall because I'm obviously feeling resentful which is not healthy.
Damn about time I think again its the equality issue that pil spend more time which other grandchildren not that I think 30 mins every few weeks isn't enough as such it's that in comparison to how long they spend which sil kids-. But then I do have 'fairness' issues I general I like to make everything as fair as possible and obviously that doesn't always work so I might just need to get over it

OP posts:
crje · 15/07/2014 23:01

Stick to every second year.
Your husband will appreciate it and won't turn into a snake in the grass ready to pounce at your family your family mightn't always be so great
My family dynamic is like yours. It can get annoying.
Just nod and smile.

Maybe its not them it could be you Grin

HaroldLloyd · 15/07/2014 23:03

Are they older? MIL is a bit the same, I was cross then i thought about it and toddlers are pretty hard going, when children are older she tends to take them somewhere etc.

They might come into their own a bit in time.

LastTango · 15/07/2014 23:04

You idiots making stupid comments either sod off or make some constructive suggestions

We are as entitled to our opinion as you are to yours! We did make constructive suggestions.........sod off, it's July Grin

Original poster
Yourhonestopinion · 15/07/2014 23:06

Yes harold they are- hadn't thought that but it could be a factor I think

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 15/07/2014 23:09

it's july is hardly constructive Tango

sanfairyanne · 15/07/2014 23:13

maybe it still is fair

your child sees his mothers parents all the time

their children see their mothers parents all the time

possibly also

your child sees their fathers parents every few weeks
their children see their fathers parents every few weeks

LittleBearPad · 15/07/2014 23:16

I'm not going to do anything re;Xmas now.

This is the most sensible thing you've said. It's July. Don't borrow trouble.

HaroldLloyd · 15/07/2014 23:17

What happens on ILs year do they come to you?

Engol · 15/07/2014 23:53

The thing is you think seeing them every 3 weeks is enough, you're happy with that, your dh is happy with that but then you compare it to how often they see your sil kids and it doesn't match up and you feel hard done by.

We naturally gravitate towards people who want us around, sounds like sil wants to see her parents and perhaps relays on them. You on the other hand don't particularly want to see them more often, don't particularly need them for childcare so probably unwittingly give off " keep away" signals.

Personally I think spending every year with parents is a bad habit, I would never get into a set routine for Christmas, what we do is decided on what suits on said year.

Maybe try increasing visits in length or frequency slightly and try and build on that.

Do your parents have other grandchildren?