Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Gutted for my overlooked DS

99 replies

CheeryName · 15/07/2014 08:43

So another term comes to an end. Awards Assembly and Cubs Presentation evening. Yet again DS sits there hopefully, patiently, and yet again it seems everyone else gets an award except him.

He turns up, he does his best, hes never any trouble to anyone. He doesn't show off, he doesn't act up, he doesn't monopolise the teachers or leaders. He hands in things on time, he is quiet and dependable.

I give him the cheery spiel about how I am proud of him, it doesn't help.

Next year I am wondering if it would be better for him to have a well timed tummy ache for these occasions and just take him off to do something fun instead. He doesn't have masses of self esteem as it is and he was really hurt. He is never going to be a child who pushes himself to the front of the crowd to get noticed and I just don't know how to help him.

OP posts:

wonderingsoul · 15/07/2014 08:45

It's often well behaved kids that get over looked, sad as it is.

Maybe a word with the teacher?

orlando · 15/07/2014 09:02

This was my eldest daughter all through school. I think it was only when she left with fab A level grades and went on to a great uni that they realised what the quiet girl in the corner was capable of. Annoyingly for her, the school are making up for it by being hyper-aware of her sister, and giving her awards at every verse end (much to middle dd's bewilderment.)

Bless your ds - it'll all pay off in the end. (But the odd certificate in the meantime would also be nice.)

Original poster

CheeryName · 15/07/2014 09:09

Thanks for replies. I wasn't sure about talking to teachers/leaders as I don't want him to get awards just for having a pushy mum. Now dreading DD starting at his school as she is typical teachers pet (lovely though)!

I did tell him its all worth it in the end but that's not much consolation when you're only 9.

OP posts:

Idrinktoomuchireallydo · 15/07/2014 09:09

My DD2 is like that. She is quiet, hardworking and utterly lovely but at her primary school was always overlooked. She was never awarded anything or given parts in anything in the 5 years she was at state school.

Then we moved her to a private school with smaller class sizes and at the end of her two years there in junior school she won three major prizes.

She has just completed Y11 and her GCSE's and is going from strength to strength. She is still quiet, hardworking and utterly lovely but these things are noticed now and commented on and seen as positives so she is full of confidence.

Give your son time OP - he will shine in the end.

desertmum · 15/07/2014 09:13

he needs to be a complete nightmare in terms 1 and 2, then turn into an angel in term 3 and voila the awards will keep pouring in. It was the same for my DD - now she is at Uni doing what she loves most in the world and is doing better than those who were given awards for turning up each day (bitter much?). At my DCs school they would also give out certificates and prizes for achievements earned outside school, perhaps that could be an option ?

I hope your DS doesn't take this to heart and eventually sees beyond the awrds - which I know is difficult when they are younger.

Original poster

CheeryName · 15/07/2014 09:24

It really does seem like they are awards for character rather than behaviour or achievement. I don't want him to change his character, hes lovely, I want him to be noticed for the brilliant character he is.

Next term I might start emailing the teacher every week 'DS might be a little quiet this week as he has just spent the weekend doing a charity event, going to Church Parade and playing in a football tournament' I could really step it up each week....

OP posts:

Joysmum · 15/07/2014 09:28

Sounded like my DD who I'd describe as gloriously about average, a lovely person, and no hassle.

They all got a leaving certificate, hers was for having a broken arm. I was not amused.

Nanny0gg · 15/07/2014 09:28

I really would have a quiet word.

You can always ask the teacher at a parent's evening exactly what it is your DS needs to do to get an award. And then point out that he's already done exactly that! (Because I bet he has)

treadheavily · 15/07/2014 09:29

Same for my dd. 6 years, not a single certificate. Ds on the other hand, a loud, vivacious charact (bit of a pain sometimes) got a major award within first year.
I don't want dd to change or become pushy though. I think now she's in a specialist school with more like minded children she will be appreciated for being the way she is.
Sorry for your ds.

Ilovehamabeads · 15/07/2014 09:31

This was me all the way through school - bright, polite, did everything asked of me and more. I'm 40 now and haven't forgotten the disappointment of being overlooked every single year. One certificate wouldn't have hurt them! Luckily my DCs school is much better and I have a wall full of certificates. It's such a confidence booster for the children and makes them want to do even better.

desertmum · 15/07/2014 09:36

a broken arm ? That was the best they could come up ? It would serve them right if that became the 'cool' certificate to have and all the kids start turning up at school with their arms in plaster. Speaks volumes about the teacher's lack of thought though.

ICanSeeTheSun · 15/07/2014 09:37

He has got to be noticed to get an award.

It's great that he is going to school on time ( that more to do with the adult taking him) and it's good that he is always well behaved. That in itself is it's own reward.

What do you think he does very well, or improved a lot in to get an award.

TheWave · 15/07/2014 09:41

At DC school it seems very opaque. Often those who are quiet and shy though, and DC can't see what the logic is for say Student of the Term.

steppemum · 15/07/2014 09:42

this is my middle dc. She is quiet and lovely.

She does have the advantage though of being clever, so she joined the school in year 2, and stunned them all with very good sats results which made them notice her a bit more.

They had a temporary teacher for 1 term and she gave out certificates for good behaviour, and working hard, 3 or 4 per week, in the class on a friday afternoon. All those quiet overlooked kids got them, for being quiet well behaved and hard working. I could have kissed that teacher, it was brilliant.

Do your school ever do a parents questionnaire? It would be worth raising it on that.

CoffeeTea103 · 15/07/2014 09:43

It is sad when they don't get awards, but then do you really want him to get one just because you think he should. I wouldn't have a word with the teacher, what would you say that won't come across pushy. Lots of children won't be getting awards, does that mean something must be created just to please everyone. He seems like a good boy, and somewhere along the line this will be noticed, I don't think mummy arranging for him to get an award will help him in the long term.

aprilanne · 15/07/2014 09:46

thats a shame .especially at the cubs .i have 12 cubs in my pack .everyone gets a certificate at end of year .whether its best overall cub best helper .best whatever .i never leave anyone out .they are only children .goodness its easy if you try .children are always good at something individually .

titchy · 15/07/2014 09:48

Mine was like this too, still is, but finally at secondary has been put on the G & T list and very happy to be recognised finally

I'm surprised about the Cubs presentation though - I assume this was a badge night? Didn't he get any badges? Has he been to all the meetings?

Cubs kept my ds going - he loved it, went every week and got tons of badges as a result which boosted his confidence and sense of achievement no end.

OneInEight · 15/07/2014 09:49

Could you encourage him to enter school competitions. We found at nine there was a dramatic falling off of entries especially amongst the boys meaning the odds on winning were very high. My two worked this out and we had an embarrassingly long run of success with some very dubious entries.

Selks · 15/07/2014 09:52

If he is only nine and his self esteem is being damaged by being overlooked then I think speaking to the school would definitely be the right thing to do.
Are there any other activities that he could do where he would be able to achieve, eg judo?

jeee · 15/07/2014 10:09

These things matter to children and adults.

I still bear a grudge that I wasn't given a prize at secondary school, until after my GCSE results, when the school really couldn't give a prize to anyone else.

My eldest DD was resentful throughout KS2 that she hadn't been picked for KS1 sports (and yes, she should have been, given that she now represents her county for athletics).

If you go in and explain how upset your son has been, he will probably get a prize next time. And unless you tell him, he'll never know that it was because of you. Okay, not getting a prize at primary school/cubs doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. But it can rankle.

Original poster

CheeryName · 15/07/2014 10:16

Thanks for all the ideas and support. I do love MN because obviously I am all cheery about this with DS whilst wanting to yell Its So Unfaaaaaiir.

At Cubs there were a few badges for children who had done stuff at home, which he wasn't upset about, it was the Cub of the Month and Cub of the Term awards that upset him. As they went to children who have been noticed for 'not being as much of a problem as usual'. He goes to every meeting and 90% of the weekend/extra things. Hes been going for 2 years and has never been Cub of the Month. He does all the Cubs homework for badges, everything that is asked of him. Because he goes every week he gets activity badges as he goes along whereas the less reliable boys that showed up last night got theirs all in one go in front of the audience. Sigh.

I don't really know much about the school awards assembly as I don't want to quiz him on 'what he didn't win' iyswim.

He does football as a hobby, which he LOVES and puts loads of effort in, though his team is not particularly successful but his coach is very good at praising him and developing him. In fact his coach is only young and is a lot like DS tbh.

He does have a happy nice life in general, and doesn't tend to get down, I always tell him how he is lucky as some children really have troubles with being able to get their bodies to behave. Its just that these awards make him feel unnoticed and like it doesn't matter if he takes part or not. Which is why I was thinking of bypassing them next time. He was so quiet this morning

OP posts:

SirRaymondClench · 15/07/2014 10:46

My DD is in a class of 4. 3 girls 1 boy. At their school they have a Gold star award at the end of every term and a Silver star. It's always the same two (the other girls) that get both awards. Every time. They are virtually laden down with their star medals and poor DD and the other pupil get nothing. When it was the Olympic torch parade each class could have 2 pupils to attend the parade. Miss Gold and Miss Silver were chosen...I booted off and took DD myself and offered to take the boy but his parents wanted him to stay in school.
DD isn't naughty and does her homework and behaves herself.
It drives me nuts. Wish they would mix it up a bit occasionally!

NynaevesSister · 15/07/2014 10:59

Standing up for your kids isn't the same as being pushy at all. Having a quiet word with the scoutmaster or teacher at the start of the year just to explain how you feel and why and then leave it at that. Being pushy is demanding X constantly throughout the year. Making sure that your child is understood by the adults in charge isn't being pushy.

DogCalledRudis · 15/07/2014 11:04

These awards for children really remind me of a dog show. Among so many rare and unseen breeds, the winners are usually traditional ones. A poodle gets picked over shiba inu, etc.

rowna · 15/07/2014 11:09

Gosh I can relate to that. I have a quiet dd who has often been overlooked.

I'm finding though it gets better as she gets older. They can't ignore her coming first in her sports day race or getting 100% in the spelling test. When it's more concrete things they have to reward them, if they're going to reward anybody at all. I think in early primary it's all a bit random and very often quite unfair.

And some teachers are definitely better at remembering the quiet ones than others.

I have known people go in and have a quiet word and lo and behold their dc is star of the week the next week. If he's upset with it, I'd go and have a word.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread