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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Gutted for my overlooked DS

99 replies

CheeryName · 15/07/2014 08:43

So another term comes to an end. Awards Assembly and Cubs Presentation evening. Yet again DS sits there hopefully, patiently, and yet again it seems everyone else gets an award except him.

He turns up, he does his best, hes never any trouble to anyone. He doesn't show off, he doesn't act up, he doesn't monopolise the teachers or leaders. He hands in things on time, he is quiet and dependable.

I give him the cheery spiel about how I am proud of him, it doesn't help.

Next year I am wondering if it would be better for him to have a well timed tummy ache for these occasions and just take him off to do something fun instead. He doesn't have masses of self esteem as it is and he was really hurt. He is never going to be a child who pushes himself to the front of the crowd to get noticed and I just don't know how to help him.

OP posts:

gleegeek · 15/07/2014 11:10

This is very familiar to us too. Dd is a quiet sensitive child, never a moments bother, but no awards, not one! She now says 'well so and so will get it because they are sporty' or 'so and so will get it because they are arty' but there doesn't seem to be any recognition for being hard-working, above average but not stellar, kind, helpful etc etc. I just hope it's different at secondary... we all like a a bit of recognition I think, I certainly do!

Just had a lovely report - great SATs results - so we will do something special at home instead!

Lonecatwithkitten · 15/07/2014 11:11

My DD is similar and I am afraid I kicked off about it. Ones and twos for effort all year, virtually every question in her books correct and good behaviour. Yet only managed the lowest level of house point certificate one term this year.
School kicked back with well her effort hasn't been similar to her peers (I actually know this bollocks for a variety of reasons). And rewards are only given for behaviour to children who have special reason.
So I kicked back again with so why has she had ones and twos if her effort had not been up to scratch. Also is low self esteem from being verbally abused by my Ex not sufficient to warrant some kind of recognition.

Pancakeflipper · 15/07/2014 11:18

My DS1 is quiet, shy, been average at academia. The sort of child who gets on with it causing no drama.

Has many out of school activities that he loves. He's the quiet one at some but some are real niche clubs and here he gets to build his confidence, the organisers have more time as not masses involved and they get to know him as a person.

He's beginning to be noticed at school now as he loves his out of school activities and uses the knowledge from them vocally in class.

Even the head teacher knows who he is now. He's 9 and his self belief is growing.

He's not got certs or star awards at school. But he's a good kid, he's progressing, he's happy and he's interesting to know. I think he's amazing and one day others will sed that too.

Gullygirl · 15/07/2014 11:20

At my DSs primary school, class awards are given out at whole school assemblies.
Over the course of the year every single child gets a certificate, it may be for academic achievement, for improved work, for being kind, for painting a fab picture, you get the idea.
Good behaviour and attendance is recognised termly with a certificate.
It's such a simple idea but really works.No child is left feeling left out, unrecognised, or not good enough.

iloveithere · 15/07/2014 11:50

I know the feeling.
DD went all through KS1 without a certificate, star of the week, nothing at all. Once she made me cry by saying 'Mum, however heard it try, its never good enough'

Same all through KS2, except, now, in the last week of KS2, she has been awarded the Science Cup. She, and me, as soooo massively proud. I don't know exactly what she did to get it, she got a level 4 in her SATS (as expected for her age), and I know there were children with level 5s, so its obviously not for being the best, but it does mean that she has finally been recognised for something, and it is something that really matters to her.

OP, I hope your DS finds his strength, like my DD has, and gets an award that really matters some time soon.

IvyBeagle · 15/07/2014 12:14

I would make myself a bit unpopular with the cubs leaders and teachers and make sure he got certificates etc. :)

Original poster

CheeryName · 15/07/2014 12:30

Thanks... so if I do approach teachers and cub leaders, when is the best time? Just before the next lot of awards or at the start of next term?

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 15/07/2014 12:36

Yanbu it seems to go to certain children as others have highlighted on here. Tell him to keep working hard, keep his attendance good and the rewRds will come in the end, e.g good grades, good uni, good degree, good job.

jeee · 15/07/2014 12:36

I think I might say something now - because your son is upset now. You run the risk that they'll have forgotten your son - again. But if you say something in the run up to the awards they'll have already made up their mind about the prizes.

Rowgtfc72 · 15/07/2014 12:37

My dd is very noticeable in her class, tall, ginger, with a motormouth. Not a child that sits in the background. She has been a free reader since Christmas and has had to watch most of her class go into star parade assembly for good reading certificates. She's never had one. I think teachers overlook her because they expect her to do well. She's seven, she'd love a certificate!

firstchoice · 15/07/2014 12:41

I remember going on a school day trip as a parent helper.
My overlooked ds was there.
A child with poor behaviour and a record of bullying was given stickers throughout the day.
Eventually the hosts of the trip (Country House history trip guide) asked 'if someone else could have a sticker'.
'oh no' said the teacher glibly 'we only have stickers for this child'.
I asked her about it later in the café.
It turned out the child's parents had supplied the stickers.
'if I wished I could supply some for my child. They come from Tesco's.
This was how it is done at that school (no longer 'our' school, for a number of reasons!)

TinklyLittleLaugh · 15/07/2014 12:43

My eldest three were quiet, good kids. As and Bs academically so decent enough but not top of the class. They never, ever got a sausage on awards night.

DC4 though, big gap in age so used to having to make his presence felt amongst the older ones, he is Star of the Week about once a month, it's a bit embarrassing actually.

Original poster

CheeryName · 15/07/2014 12:46

Firstchoice that is staggering!

I feel so sad for all the overlooked children on this thread.

I honestly do feel sympathetic to one of the winners who has tremendous problems, but from his reaction I don't think it actually encouraged him anyway.

OP posts:

twinkletoedelephant · 15/07/2014 12:48

I have Dt's in reception

in different classes both doing well academically Dt1 is being assessed for ADHD DT2 is much quieter, is bright can already read and right and is overlooked by alot of people as he listens and does what he is told.

However when DT1 has a good day/week he almost always gets a certificate 'star' award, team points or the class cup etc..

I have 2 double cuboards in my kitchen i use for the boys school bits pictures and awards 1 for each. Dt1's is covered in school awards and certicicates.

DT2's has lots of pictures he has done for me... at home

i had to go in to see his teacher as he insisted he had accumilated enough 'points' for a certificate - he had 3 times more then he needed so they just put his certificates in his book bag no going up in assembley and getting a 'clap' he could have had 1 a month for the last 3 moths and all this would have gone away :(

even at 5 he has said that the naughty boys get all the claps in assembley and he was going to be more naughty next year :(

twinkletoedelephant · 15/07/2014 12:52

I may be bitter ... i am a twin and my twin sister got MY science award when leaving school but the school said they had given it out now and couldn't take it back

( i was the quiet well behaved one.... she was not - :)

Clutterbugsmum · 15/07/2014 12:52

Row, my middle child is the same. Only just finishing yr 1. I asked her teacher why she was over looked when other children in the class seem to get stickers/awards just for turning up. I was told it's because she doesn't always use her knowledge correctly. She's 6 for gods sake the fact that she can some punctuation ( I mean more then full stops/capital letters) should be a bonus that she is correct 90% of the time.

We have had various conversation that the children should not be rewarded for behaviour that should be standard anyway. And if they must give reward then it should be to those children who do above 'the normal for their age'.

DD1 class teacher (yr5) has keep all the 100% attendance rewards both classes have received this year and is using it to take the whole year to the cimema on Friday to see 'how to train your dragon part 2' as they have be been working on this term.

Laura0806 · 15/07/2014 13:08

Im in the same position. DD1 been at school now for 2 years and never ever won the weekly award for anything despite being hardworking, very well behaved and v quiet. Yes totally overlooked! Ihave been told by other mums to have a word as they can't believe it either but she isn't bothered so I haven't done. If your DS is upset then Id def have a word. Every chidl should be recognised at some point x

Aeroflotgirl · 15/07/2014 13:08

I wish my dd who has ASD with DV delay was a free reader. She got a couple of awards at her MS school for her improvement. I would hate to think a child like op has gone without because of dd. But she has her own struggles I guess, things are so much more harder fir her. I wish dd was like op and some of you on here, that she does not struggle that if just comes naturally. Sorry for my blubbing, just feel really down about it all, though she is doing fantastically well at her Autistic school

Chachah · 15/07/2014 13:14

maybe if you had a chat with them and phrased your question in terms of "what can ds do to get an award next time?" (instead of "why didn't he get one last time?)

IsItMeOr · 15/07/2014 13:23

You're not alone Aeroflotgirl, I wish 5yo DS didn't need smiley face charts and stickers for every half hour at school to try and encourage appropriate behaviour.

lainiekazan · 15/07/2014 13:49

Dd is just finishing year 6 and I'm pretty glad to be waving farewell to primary school, actually.

Dd is extremely quiet and I don't think they know she's there. She never gets a part in anything, and awards etc seem to go to confident children or are a bit political.

I did stick my head above the parapet last year (unbeknownst to dd) as I discovered that a "special" group of children were receiving very desirable enrichment activities - these children were all very confident and outgoing (though not the most academically able) and I suppose were perhaps more rewarding to take out and about. The school were a bit off with me for saying something and then the next week dd was made an "ambassador" . Very odd role as it had no accompanying duties and was never mentioned again.

Dd has just finished an end of term project she is very proud of. She said ruefully, "I'm very pleased with it but the teachers won't notice my one."

Original poster

CheeryName · 15/07/2014 13:50

Aeroflotgirl and IsitMeOr - really don't want to add to your feeling down. I would never see it as one child preventing another from getting something, I just think that all children should be rewarded, they should make enough awards to go round and meet all their needs.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 15/07/2014 13:52

Isitme count your blessing all of you, ok school might not recognise your child's achievements but they will come out in the end I'm sure. Mabey not at school, but in teens or adulthood.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/07/2014 13:54

They should cheery, of course they should. Every child needs to feel special and recognised. I would have a chat with the teacher before the end of term or mabey the HT if tgey will have a different one next term.

SallyMcgally · 15/07/2014 14:06

Your DS sounds really lovely. I'm another one who thinks that having a quiet word with a teacher might help. Maybe in the context of a parent surgery - when they ask how your DS is, you could point out that he finds it really demoralising and upsetting that his steadfast, sustained efforts and achievements never get any kind of recognition from the school. It sounds as if they do need to open their eyes a bit. I do remember my DM taking me out and giving me £10 and saying that even though the school hadn't recognised that I deserved a prize, she did, and telling me to go off and choose a book. It's not the same, but it's something, and confirms to your child that you think he's great and that you're on his side.

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