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AIBU?

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Original poster

Gutted for my overlooked DS

99 replies

CheeryName · 15/07/2014 08:43

So another term comes to an end. Awards Assembly and Cubs Presentation evening. Yet again DS sits there hopefully, patiently, and yet again it seems everyone else gets an award except him.

He turns up, he does his best, hes never any trouble to anyone. He doesn't show off, he doesn't act up, he doesn't monopolise the teachers or leaders. He hands in things on time, he is quiet and dependable.

I give him the cheery spiel about how I am proud of him, it doesn't help.

Next year I am wondering if it would be better for him to have a well timed tummy ache for these occasions and just take him off to do something fun instead. He doesn't have masses of self esteem as it is and he was really hurt. He is never going to be a child who pushes himself to the front of the crowd to get noticed and I just don't know how to help him.

OP posts:
IsItMeOr · 15/07/2014 14:10

Sorry Cheery I wasn't meaning you to feel bad.

DS's school try hard to recognise everybody's achievements, so it can surely be done. E.g. in reception they have three weekly awards, and bless them, I don't think any of the DCs have twigged that they all get a turn eventually - they are so proud of themselves.

Your DS sounds lovely. Hope you figure out a way to get it sorted, so he can get some recognition.

Freckletoes · 15/07/2014 14:18

We have the same at our school. Each year it is like a certain family appreciation show! Some kids getting 5 or 6 awards and many others getting nothing-not even the very non specific class prizes. Also without fail the children of staff get prizes! My daughter was overlooked for everything but then got a scholarship for the senior school-go figure?! Only one more year of torture for us!
Same applies to the sports team. Year six was so small this year that years 5 and 6 were combined for sports fixtures and we were told everyone without fail would get a match. My DS (year 5) didn't and was well aware of this-waiting desperately up to the last game thinking he would actually make a team. OK-he's not brilliant but the teams aren't either so mixing it up a bit wouldn't have hurt. But no team place for him. So now his attitude is-can't really be bothered to try because they won't pick me anyway. Confused

Bouttimeforwine · 15/07/2014 14:28

Another overlooked ds here.

DD gets loads of recognition. While I am always pleased for her, I do always think how unfair it is.

Clutterbugsmum · 15/07/2014 14:31

Aeroflotgirl and IsitMeOr Our school has just got a new head teacher and she seems to be very much reward minded but in a much more child friendly way. The teachers/TA are encouraged to take all children to the head/deputy head to show then any work the children are proud of what ever it is.

Even the office staff give the children stickers and take the time to look at the work and praise the children if the head and deputy are not available. It has made for a much more positive feeling around the school.

Flappingandflying · 15/07/2014 14:37

Yup, got this tee shirt. At primary it was a joke. The lead parts, the awards all went to the same kids year on year. Ok, I'm sure they deserved them but As another mother and I remarked to each other 'I don't have children tbat win prizes'. Flapping lad was a bit upset at tbe year 6 one as there was the same people yet again getting an award, the naughty boy getting one for the one subject he's good at (fair do s. Do agree with that) as DS said, why don't I get an award for managing my diabetes, sticking four needles into myself, never making a fuss and always having to be the one that watches when the class get sweets as a treat and having little scroates wave them under his nose saying ha ha you can't have these'. I get his point. It just would have been nice to have a 'brave award' or a 'good egg' award to recognise the kids that just get on with it.
The funny thing is that in year 7 he did get an award. For what? For improving by three entire levels in Science, two levels in maths. No for French which he is absolutely crap at! We did chuckle.

shitatusernames · 15/07/2014 14:42

This has happened to my ds 8, I've actually gone and had words as one child has had star of the week 3 times, pretty sure he's the only one in his class not to have got it, feel very sad for him Sad

noblegiraffe · 15/07/2014 14:42

I asked DS's reception teacher why some kids came out plastered in stickers and he rarely had one and whether he was being naughty. She said that some kids would do something and then immediately ask for a sticker whereas DS was never bothered.

5madthings · 15/07/2014 14:45

I have had this with my ds3, quiet, polite, well behaved, tries hard, always volunteers to help out and tidy up etc and generally a lovely boy.

He had no awards all year, in the end i spoke to the school, I explained I didn't want to be 'that' parent but that actually his self confidence was suffering and he didn't know why he never got an award.

Anyway he got an award for his school council work and also a special recognition for hos all round contribution this year, they made a point in assembly to say how helpful he was and how he often offered to do litter picking in the playground and tidied after sports day etc just all those little things he does. He was so thrilled to go up and get his sticker and we treated him to a little reward.

I think ds3 finds it hard as ds1 and ds2 are very bright and so ds1 esp gets perfect grades etc.

Ds3 gets a for effort in everything but gets average grades, which is fine! But when your siblings get better marks without even stringers hard.

Plus ds2 has had some behaviour issues and is then rewarded for being good.. Ds3 is always good..

We praise our children and commend their effort etc, but it is worth talking to School.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/07/2014 14:46

That's the way to go clutter, it sounds a lot more positive. Every child should be recognised, not only those who shout the loudest.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/07/2014 14:48

Shirt usernames what response did you get. I think it's worth talking to the head teacher about it

goats · 15/07/2014 14:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marcipex · 15/07/2014 14:49

I strongly recommend talking to his teacher, say how disappointed he always is, and ask what he can do to earn an award. Don't diss the other children or other choices,just ask for his/her help with your own DS.

I've never known this to fail, ever. Teachers are so busy and probably have no idea he's been overlooked for so long.

ClockWatchingLady · 15/07/2014 15:36

It must be hard to see this happen, OP.

I do think, though, that there's a possibility that these things can be made into advantages. Awards and the like feed into our need for praise and recognition, in our achievement-oriented culture. It's addictive, I think. Learning to live - and to get joy from life - without too much ego-boosting (which I really don't think is necessarily a good thing, despite the proclamations of so many self-help gurus and, dare I say it, CBT therapists) must be one of the most amazing skills a person can learn. We can learn what we love to do, not what other people tell us we're "good at", and to just get on with it.

Bloody hard with all the endless school ceremonies, though, I know.

Hope your DS is OK Thanks

shitatusernames · 15/07/2014 16:06

It was the teaching assistant who I spoke to and she said she'd make a note of it and let the teacher know, to be fair this is his 3rd teacher this year so I do understand, but ds2 was quite upset about it, and it wouldn't be too hard to find out who'd got it and who hadn't.

WilburIsSomePig · 15/07/2014 16:43

Yep, DD is the same. She came home with a really excellent report on Friday, top marks for just about everything and her behaviour is 'exemplary'. She was one of about 5 kids who didn't get a certificate at achievement assembly because 'she achieves every day and some of the others have made great improvements'. What a load of absolute shite.

Heels99 · 15/07/2014 16:48

I think you should speak to them in the nicest possible way, it isn't being pushy and actually I don't think there is anything wrong with being a bit pushy!!!

I was concerned about something for my dd, I asked for a meeting with school, at the meeting I was very nice and just said I wanted to understand a little more about xxxxx. They were great and I left feeling much better about the situation. Asking a questuion e.g. 'Csn you explain to me a bit more about cub of the month' opens the door. Look at this way, who else is going to represent your ds if you don't?

Heels99 · 15/07/2014 16:49

Wilbur, ring the school and ask them to explain about the certificates. Ask for a meeting to discuss. Come on parents sometimes it pays to have a conversation!

ContinentalKat · 15/07/2014 17:09

Oh OP, it's heartbreaking, isn't it? When my ds was in Y2 he was in tears one day, asking me what else he could possible do to get a certificate?!?
I actually sat down with all the newsletters and made a table of who had got a certificate, and for what, and took it up with the teacher and eventually the head teacher, without his knowledge. He got a certificate at the end of the year and was very proud.

My dcs are now a bit older and have realised that certificates are for naughty kids. X gets a certificate for coming to school on time every day of the week. We are always on time... It's shit. Sad

Iownafourinchporsche · 15/07/2014 17:48

My DC were over looked throughout infants but I recon poor classroom control was the problem which resulted in shouty teachers - so loudest kids (good or badly behaved) got the rewards. All the able, quiet, well behaved kids didn't register.

MrsBellTeapot · 15/07/2014 18:21

I think some people are just more visible than others sadly Sad

shitatusernames · 15/07/2014 21:22

It's more frustrating than anything, the naughty kids seem to get rewarded for bad behaviour, in the senior part if you misbehave you get to bake cakes!! Some punishment that is.

DD1 is very very good though and is recognised by her teacher, she got nominated for a special award and got a fab certificate and voucher.

sleepymother · 15/07/2014 21:33

This is making me very anxious now. My DD (7) has gone through Reception, Year 1 and Year 2, trying her best and doing really well (above average attainment in everything, and although effort was not at top grade for every subject last year, it was this year). Glowing report came last week. Three awards are given in each class at the end of each term. This means that 27 opportunities for an award have gone by in this class, and she hasn't had anything. There are 27 children in her class, so now some of them are getting their second award. Our final prize day is this Friday and I know she isn't getting anything on Friday either. Worse still, her sister (4) is getting an award for special effort in Reception. I know this as her teacher asked me if I could attend the collective worship. I know how disappointed DD1 will be, and I suspect she will be terribly jealous of her sister, even if she tries not to be. I have never said anything to DD1's teachers, as I don't want to be 'pushy mum', but now I really wish I had said something earlier this term, and perhaps it might have encouraged her teachers to recognize her. When I was told about DD2 getting an award I just buried my head in the sand about how DD1 will feel. I don't know what I should have done, but I feel that I should have addressed it somehow. Our situation sounds just like lots of others on this thread - some children are recognised, and others (especially the no-trouble, hard workers) aren't. I wish I didn't mind about this, and more to the point I wish DD wouldn't mind. But she will, I know she will. And i will have to rush off to work after the ceremony, and she will be gutted, and I will want to cry.

cardibach · 15/07/2014 21:55

If it helps, my DD came to her own realisation that many of these awards are meaningless. She went to a lovely primary school which rewarded children for actual achievements not as a discipline exercise (achievements relative to ability - totally fair) so felt that if she continued to work hard, behave, join extra-curriculars and help out around the place she would be rewarded at Senior school too. At the end of the first term a very naughty boy got an award for merits earned and she didn't. She saw through it immediately and decided to do the stuff she was doing for herself and not worry about getting merits anymore. I was impressed, but also sad for her. It does still get her down sometimes (and she has just finished Y13!) but she has a handle on it.

Original poster
CheeryName · 16/07/2014 08:43

Sleepymother its not too late - in your shoes and having read all the experiences on this thread, I would definitely say something to the school today to say you're a bit confused - pleased DD2 is getting something but could they double check DD1's records as she has never had an award and has there been an oversight?

OP posts:
upyourninja · 16/07/2014 09:07

YANBU to be gutted and I think it's a good idea to speak to school and cubs about your DS, or even to say that you've noticed that a lot of the quiet, consistent children are going in rewarded.

I don't think we had so many awards when I was at primary school. The only thing that stands out for me is receiving a swimming certificate (with the rest of the class) from the head teacher in assembly. I said "thank you very much" and he called me back up to the front to extol the virtue of being so polite. I was mortified Grin

I was one of those quiet, consistent children. It made things even sweeter when I was 14 and suddenly was awarded four subject awards for my year, having never received a single one before that. And an 'achievement' award too. I always won several after that year and went on to get the best GCSE, AS, and A-level grades - so I guess all that consistency has its own reward in the end.

I had it at home too - my younger brother was rewarded for being good, while I was punished if I was naughty. Not the same thing at all Hmm