Gutted for my overlooked DS

[CheeryName]

So another term comes to an end. Awards Assembly and Cubs Presentation evening. Yet again DS sits there hopefully, patiently, and yet again it seems everyone else gets an award except him.

He turns up, he does his best, hes never any trouble to anyone. He doesn't show off, he doesn't act up, he doesn't monopolise the teachers or leaders. He hands in things on time, he is quiet and dependable.

I give him the cheery spiel about how I am proud of him, it doesn't help.

Next year I am wondering if it would be better for him to have a well timed tummy ache for these occasions and just take him off to do something fun instead. He doesn't have masses of self esteem as it is and he was really hurt. He is never going to be a child who pushes himself to the front of the crowd to get noticed and I just don't know how to help him.

Our (state) school is quite good as they give awards each week in an assembly and my dd gets them sometimes, despite being quiet. Seems a shame to save it all up for one ceremony so that some get nothing all year.

I would say at the next parents eve. " What does my ds need to work on to get an award?"

IMO It isn't being a pushy mum to ask about things sometimes, it's only pushy if you go in and demand things of the school.

Certificates aren't just for naughty kids, at least not in our school. DS2 got a certificate for good behaviour last year, when he was the only boy in his class not to wee up the playground wall. I was so proud .

I guess teachers are often hassled and haven't time to notice injured feelings. Stiff upper lips don't get many stickers.

Dd's school are doing an end of term play. The teacher wanted a page turner for the pianist, and asked those without a part to put up their hands. Dd's hand went up, and she also said she could read music. The teacher hummed and haad and then awarded the job to a "naughty boy" who hadn't even volunteered. Dd is quite sanguine about awards and stickers, but was quite miffed about this.

YANBU

I also have an overlooked DD. She has some SEN and is really struggling academically, but she's quiet, gets on with her work as well she can, keeps her head down, is polite, kind and stays out of trouble.

She's no angel, but on the whole she's just nice.

She's always overlooked for awards and prizes - she's never going to shine academically, despite really, really trying, and never gets a look in for the other stuff. Because she's quiet and generally no trouble, she seems to be forgotten about.

I did have a word once, she was really anxious about school and feeling overwhelmed by how far she was behind, having noticed that she'd sit in weekly achievement assemblies and never hear her name called.

What really gets my goat, is the one time she did get an award, all I could hear around me was muttering from other parents complaining "oh, she only got that because her Mum is a governor".

Cheeryname, thanks for that. I might see if I can have a word. I'm sure it probably is too late for this Friday, as they always only give out three awards per class, and the parents of the three who have been chosen will have been notified, to give them time to organise getting to the event. I felt like this last year, but I thought I'd probably write to the teacher at the beginning of the new year to ask 'what does she have to do/what hasn't she done', and then it all seemed less raw and important later on, so I didn't. But I think I will this September.

How weird about the page turning thing, lainiekazan - surely to choose someone who is probably less able to do the job risks compromising the performance?

There's a lot of anxiety about 'being chosen' for things, as well as receiving awards, and sometimes I end up rolling my eyes at the daftness of it all: for instance, some of the children who have school meals complain that the teachers only ever choose 'a packed lunch' (do your children describe each other in that way: 'she's a packed lunch, he's a hot dinner'?!) to say the grace before lunch. That I find hard to believe, but there are these perceptions among some of the children. What a minefield!

His moment will come, maybe not in primary but when he goes to high school you may see a real turnaround. My DD was also overlooked throughout primary, but gosh how things changed when she reached secondary school. The school has a Vivo awards system and points are automatically allocated for things like attendance and punctuality, participating in enrichment activities. Homework, effort and behaviour are allocated by the teacher. The points are traded in at the Vivo shop (which is like Argos). Much to her delight she just purchased a pair of GHD's. This system is not based solely upon discretion, so the majority of kids receive the rewards. May be your son's secondary school will have a similar system

My ds was like that at primary, i ended up having to say something when he hadnt got the class bear all year and some had it twice or at scouts when he was then only one that always showed up at church but never got to carry the banner or took hissing sid home.
When he got to secondary everything changed. They only give out two subject prizes per year group and a couple of form prizes for attainment and effort and he managed to win two of them and got made house captain at the end of the year. He really flourished there.

I am a bit mystified by this- what are all these awards and certificates the children should have been receiving? I haven't been to any assemblies where they get awards at the end of the year. In my children's primary, they all get 'star of the week' once in the year, and you get housepoints throughout the year- if you get 25.50 or 100 you get a certificate, but they are given very systematically for boring things like completing the homework, so diligent children will get one.

There are no big ceremonies, no 'Guide of the year' stuff at all thank goodness. I don't see the point in it! I am not upset my children don't get these awards, as the awards are ridiculous and random. I first got a prize when I finished uni!

DCs primary didnt give out end of the year awards Thenapoleonofcrime. They did give out certificates on a regular basis. DD got one for working well with others when she was the only one who would partner the class "live wire"

I was that quiet, quite clever, quite hardworking, overlooked sort of child!
Now I am a teacher, I reward diligence, niceness and consistent effort over and above giving an award to Vile Brat, just because he managed not to swear for 5 minutes one day.
Teachers often give rewards as incentives, so those who always try hard and behave well are overlooked.
It is very unfair.

Ours aren't end of year awards but star of the week and 'heads high' award which are given out each week in assembly and parents are invited along if your child had one to get. Also if thru do stuff out of school, sports or cubs or anything really and you mention it it will go in the newsletter or be mentioned in assembly so passing a grading in karate/judo etc or getting a swim distance badge or one time some children found some stolen properly (that burglars had dumped in a Bush) and they took it and handed it and that was mentioned. Often just little things but it's nice for the children and it recognises all different abilities and non academic stuff etc.

My DS who is one of the quietest child in his Reception yr and not received a single 'star of the week' award during the first few months of the school, decided to take matters in his own hand :D
In the parent teacher meeting that term my shy and quiet son approached his teacher in front of us and asked ' excuse me Miss, when will it be my turn to get the star of the week'? Teacher looked visibly embarrassed for clearly caught out on overlooking him for so long and assured him that very soon he will get it :D
Lo and behold ...the very next week DS skipped out of his classroom after school with a certificate at hand and a massive grin :) I couldnt be more proud.

If you were a teacher or cub leader, wouldn't you want to know? Teachers will generally not have kept track of the children before they entered their class, so it will be hard for them to spot a child who has gone unrecognised for years.

I think there is also a correlation between the type of mothers who don't want to look pushy and the diligent, quiet children. You probably have the same diligent, quiet personalities as your children. As the adult, you are the ones who can go against their usual nature and ask for the child to be noticed.

Christ, this thread was depressing. Why do all children now need the Fantastic Child of the Year Award for being quiet, smiling a bit and getting Bs? Isn't that sort of a basic-level achievement?

IMO there are far too many awards being given out if everyone thinks their child should have one for existing. When I was a kid you didn't get hauled up in front of assembly and presented with an award unless you actually had done something outstanding, and "not having died yet and being the much loved child of X and Y" wouldn't be it.

Since I never did anything outstanding, I never got any awards. That was normal as most of my mates didn't either. It didn't occur to me to run home sobbing after assembly or savagely announce to my parents that I was going to be the naughtiest girl ever from now on.

Kids and parents are being conditioned to expect awards by right, which isn't actually how awards work. It would be good if these were massively cut back in schools as they do not seem to be particularly helpful.

Some prize little shits that can play football and run fast are awarded amply at every awards ceremony in our school. The child that physically assaulted my child and others, has huge rages and jealous melt-downs is rewarded for speaking another European language and attending some EU council shin-dig. You know I had never actually thought about simply not turning up for these things as I'm pretty good on school attendance - I think I will do this next year. I think it would be a bit pointless speaking to the teachers - they have to jump through these hoops endlessly and they know it's wrong half the time (believe me I know first hand!)

It is horrible when your children are overlooked because you hurt for them. Ds is no natural athlete but was so disappointed to be moved away from his more sporty friends into a mixed group with girls. They tried to reassure me all the groups would be mixed up (did not happen). I feel they have written him off already in year 7 when what he really needs is encouragement find a sport he is good at

I have 3 and 2 is always overlooked, they say she is a lovely but quiet girl. The other 2 are outgoing and loud the loudest being dc3 who also gets the most speaking parts/certificates/attention. I think the quiet ones just seem to be there in the background. She was like this as a toddler as well, just happy and quiet watchig the world go by. I see her looking at her aisters with head teachers awards and really do feel sorry for her as shes never had one when the others have had a few

sandgrown I think everyone complains about kids not getting enough exercise through sports these days. I think this is largely due to the top 2% being creamed off at the age of 6/7 (football, gymnastics especially), being hot-housed through clubs for upwards of 15 hrs a week and everyone else being made to feel substandard. Whilst there is a culture of "awards for turning up" I think this has come about to counteract this "star' culture.

I think there were a lot more kids just enjoying and participating in kick-arounds and gymnastics before - now all we are interested in are the ones who are going to make it into the premier/national teams (or on telly!). A real double-edged sword.

I'm not so worried about my child NOT getting awards as the amount and qualities of the kids who ARE getting awards.

Ditto. My ds2 in year 2 is the same. Glowing report - free reader, maximum for effort and attitude to learning, level 3 sats. A pleasure to teach etc etc. Not one award or 'star of the week' or anything. Teacher tends to favour the girls, some if whom have had star of the week repeatedly. Really angers me that he is the wrong sex and well behaved. If he wasn't he'd have awards galore. He notices and he's hurt. Next year I intend to be that mother.

This thread has made me realise that I haven't been to a golden assembly in this school year. When my 2 elder kids were in reception occasionally the teacher would give me a quiet heads up just in case I could be there to watch them receive their politeness awards ( they've never had any academic awards). But this year there has been nothing for dd2. Feel sad and guilty now. Her teacher was telling me at the summer fair how impressed she was with a painting dd took great pride in producing.

I remember being really pissed off when DD1 was in ... year 3 or 4 I think. There was a girl there who was a massive PITA, and still is now she is 17 (expelled from 2 schools, withdrawn from another 2 because they were victimising her according to her mother ) She got several awards because her behaviour improved. DD got nothing.

Why the hell did this girl get awards for doing what all the other kids did as a matter of course?! DD couldnt improve her behaviour because it was great to start with, so she go ignored. The other kids where the same. Her mother, who would tell anyone with ears and clearly had no self awareness, said that she didnt understand why the other kids didnt like her DD. Partly because of the fact that one day of her not hitting someone got her a Star of the Week award, but mainly because she was a violent manipulative bully.

I agree with the PP, you need to be a little shit who becomes slightly less of a little shit in order to get recognition. Be nice, hard working and polite child, forget it, they wont even notice.

Oh and I recommend telling your child this when they get upset. I did and funnily enough they get it now. DS2 has said "X got star of the week again, just because he didnt shout at the teacher." and rolled his eyes. Now they realise how pointless the whole thing is, they are not that bothered about not getting awards.

Another parent here of an overlooked child. Ds is quiet, sensitive and a middle of the road achiever.
He's now 16 and just finished school and unfortunately this has been the case his whole school life. He has experienced similar at primary school that you're all mentioning and it continued at secondary too. He got next to no merits as he's not a child who will make himself the centre of attention but had great attendance and continued to achieve the middle of the road grades expected of him.
His application for prefect failed whereas many children with appalling behaviour became prefects in yr 11. Obviously by this age he knew the way it works; with these children always getting more recognition the moment they behave for 5 minutes than he ever got for always behaving properly.
My dd is very similar to him but she is a very high achiever so she gets recognition that way.