Help - a very upsetting situation

[Cygnet44]

Hi I don't come on here often but I find my self in a situation that is very upsetting and one that I cannot find a solution to. I've recently decided to end my marriage after 12 years, I won't go into the detail but it's not been a happy one for a number of years and enough is enough for the sake of both of us and my 17 year old son that lives with us.
The problem is that last October I thought it would a great idea to have a big family holiday to Florida for my son's 18th and also my stepson. It's somewhere we've always wanted to take the boys and this year will probably be the last year that they will want to come away with us. So booked on this holiday is myself, my husband, my son (from first marriage), My step son (husbands from a previous relationship, the mother in law, the sister in law and her partner. This is all booked and paid for and we are due to go at the end of August for 2 weeks, staying in a rented villa.
However, MIL has made it clear that she does not want to stay in the same villa as me, she has made her position very clear and stated that she doesn't want an atmosphere on holiday, thinking that myself and husband are going to fight and argue the whole time. In fact we have so far remained as civil as possible, as we are still living under the same roof. I went round to see the MIL a few weeks ago to try and sort this out but she isn't the easiest person to appeal to and she made it quite clear what she thought about me. The rest of the family (apart from the boys) have jumped on the bandwagon and have more or less tried to bully me into not going; suggesting I should book and pay for another hotel room for myself or not go at all (I have paid for all 4 of us to go, my husband has not paid a penny). I've had a row with the MIL, husband and an email from SIL. I know they are all discussing it behind my back. I did hear from SIL's partner that MIL is looking to book another villa so that I end up in the original one on my own.
In the middle of all this are our two boys, of which no one else, apart from me, are considering. They want to stay in the same place and hang out together like teenage boys should, especially in the evenings where there is a games room in the villa etc. How can one stay with his dad in one place and my son stay with me somewhere else? How can they expect me to stay somewhere on my own, not knowing when I can see my son? How is that an easy situation for my son, it will be uncomfortable for him to have to ask to see me, know when he is seeing me next, if I'm going to be welcome etc. Everyone is discussing this holiday and now everyone is getting to the stage where they don't know what to do for the best. I have stated that no one is thinking of the boys in all of this, that the holiday was about them and for 2 weeks, why can't people put their differences aside and behave like grown adults, for the sake of the boys and just have a nice holiday that we've paid a lot of money for. It's getting so ridiculous now and my son is at the point where he doesn't want to go, the excitement has been ruined. He sees that I am the only one being adult about this whilst everyone else is up in arms at the mere suggestion. My husband is burying his head in the sand and lying to his family as he is supposed to have told me they are looking to rent another villa and he hasn't told me this at all, I've heard it from SILs partner because he was dismayed at it all and didn't want to lie to me.

The situation has really got out of hand and is not helped by the obstinence of the MIL and my husband. They just refuse to listen to reason.
Please I really don't want to hear, why didn't I wait until after the holiday to end my marriage, because hindsight is a wonderful thing but in reality the marriage has been dead for years and actually I feel the situation would have been worse for various reasons. I've tried everything in my power to make it work but it just remains a very unhappy situation and one I just cannot take anymore.
I feel sick about it all, not least for the two boys in the middle of this. I just want it over and done with and for the boys to have a lovely time, my son to have a memorable 18th birthday whilst out there.

What would you do in this situation? I would really appreciate some thoughts.
Thanks :)

Personally I would just bow out of the machinations over where everyone else is staying, let them get on with it. You and your son should go. If everyone else buggers off then just the two of you will still have a fab time.

I'd suggest to your husband that he and his son also commit to staying with the original plan, that way the boys can relax together.

I know this is awful for you and so I hope some semblance of peace can be achieved.

At the end of the day, the really important thing is that your son knows you are trying to be reasonable, and when he looks back in the future, that is what he will remember :)

What a sad situation,I think as you have paid for the trip you should talk to your son about the possibility of just the two of you going together with the open invitation for others to join you as planned if they feel they can interact well and achieve a positive holiday for both boys.
Should this not be acceptable to them (and I assume it won't to be honest) I would extend the unused tickets to any of DS's friends..... he would have an amazing birthday then.

I don't think it's realistic to all stay together. I'm trying to think about my sibling's divorce, which was mainly amicable and I just wouldn't have wanted to stay in the same accommodation, and I was making an effort not to get 'involved'.

I think a second accommodation unit should be booked as close by as possible, at your ex's/ex's family's expense for you and your son and they stay in the original accommodation as they are the bigger party. It's unreasonable for you to stay alone.

Alternatively I would cancel the whole thing.

It is booked by you and I assume it is in your name. Therefore, all the rest are your guests. You go with your son and if your stepson wants to come (and is over 18 then he can choose) make him welcome. Tell the rest of them to do what they want but you are not changing your plans at all.

Don't open it up for debate and don't try to reason with them; they are not reasonable people.

You, your son, your husband and his son go together in the villa you have booked. The others can choose to go or not. Up to them.

Oh dear. They are being really petty and silly

I wouldn't want to spend any time with them.
I would consider two options:

1. Let them go to any expense to change villas.

2.Change the holiday to just you and the two lads.

I do hope you can resolve this.

So the booking is in your name, and it's been paid for?

I would tell DH that he needs to grow a pair where his family are concerned, but that you and DS will be going, and that DS would like his stepbrother to be there. Also that you are happy for DH to be there, since it would be nice for the four of you to have this final holiday together as a family.

But that, if the rest of his family no longer want to be involved, that would probably be for the best.

Then the two of you tell the rest of his family to keep out of it!

I would read them the riot act. How utterly childish, especially your STBEXH. I would threaten to cancel their tickets and take your son and go and have a lovely time.

I would also expect your son to stay with you, I would take a dim view of him staying with his step brother.

You have booked and paid for it.
Nobody else has any right to even have an opinion.
They have been invited, by you, as your guests.
They either accept and behave politely, or they decline.
I suggest you remind them of this fact.

If at all possibly, cancel the current booking and rearrange it for 4 people, in a smaller venue. Tell your H and his son they are welcome to join you and your son, or not. their choice.
The rest of the ungrateful people can organise their own holiday.

@WeirdCatLady, thank you. My son is adamant he won't go if it's just him and me (not that he dislikes my company but he was looking forward to spending time with his step brother).
I have suggested that my husband sticks to the original plan, so that the two boys can stay together but he is also adamant he won't stay with me the villa and feels his loyalty lies more with his mother! I was furious to say the least and told him that his mother would just have to accept he is making the right decision for the sake of the boys, but he is just as pig headed as her and doesn't have the balls to stand up to her (she is very outspoken and opinionated and refuses to see anyone elses point of view).

@stayathomegardener - you've given me an idea but I'm not so sure anyone else is prepared to give up their flight tickets after paying so much money. I would love to say to husband don't go, give up your ticket and let one of my son's friends go in his place, and then 3 boys can have a great time under my supervision.

Even if you and your son end up in the villa with no other family members.....I promise you will have a great time! Orlanda is amazing! You'll find ppl are really friendly too! A day at a theme park, followed by an evening Downtown Disney where there is a huge video arcade will have you both so excited, exhausted and happy, that you will be glad miserable faced troublesome family arent with you to spoil it!

The way through this is to not let them strip this occadion of the joy! You and son will be just fine, promise! Its impossible to be unhappy there, if thats your thing! Its certainly my thing.....im one of those freaks who go there with no kids lol

Thank you everyone. To clarify, the flights are booked as my husband as the lead name because he paid for them on his credit card. I gave him the cash for myself, him, and our two boys. The other 3 have paid their own, but all on one booking.
The villa has been booked by me and again the cost has been split: I have paid for 4 people, the rest have paid for themselves, giving the cash to my hubby and he transferred to the villa owner.
I have put deposit down on all the theme park tickets, the balance is due in a few days. Again split as above.

The whole thing is making me feel sick, I feel they are punishing me because I made a bold decision to end this marriage, my husband has also accepted the situation as he has made no attempt to rescue anything (not that there is anything to be honest). In the process they are hurting my son; I don't think my step son even knows as he lives with his mum quite some distance away.

I have no problem with them wanting to book somewhere else, let them spend money twice over and in fact after the way the MIL has treated me, I wouldn't want to stay with her. They have just made a bad situation even worse than necessary.

If you and your husband are currently living in the samehouse I can't see what difference living in a villa for 2 weeks is going to make.

I would say to your husband that you booked and paid for the tickets, if he is wanting to be a seperate person from you to the point where he can't share a holiday home with you then he should pay for his own ticket and you'll 've canceling his ticket asap.

Is your mil/sil planning on spending days with you or will they just be holidaying at the same place as you?

I would stick a rocket up your DH's arse and tell him to sort things out now as it is not acceptable for your DS and his DS to have their holiday wrecked by adults behaving like stropping teenagers (your MIL). Tell him that it doesn't matter how loyal he feels to his DM his first priority should be the DC and their happiness as it is their treat.

Easier said than done I know.

@TwistedSisterUK, thank you for your positivity that my son and I will still have a great time, I know that to be the case because I will do whatever possible to make it happen.
However the sad reality is that the magic and excitement has been spoiled for him; he has heard heated discussions about it, knows that his nan and step dad won't stay with me and he has got to the point where he feels it just won't be the same. He sees that it should have been a family holiday and now that isn't the case :(

@ikeaismylocal - I've said as much and we have been as civil as we possibly can be (mainly me, because tbh I'm over it). However, I feel because he is not in control of that decision, he feels he has to somehow punish me and in the process, that affects our two boys.

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude - I've said words to this effect too, he just clams up and doesn't respond, so childish and so very sad :(

Right, if he doesn't want you there, he needs to refund you (and your son) the cost of the four bookings you paid for.

Then you take your son elsewhere, for a twice-as-nice holiday.

I think you're stuck if your DP booked it, your DS won't stay with you on your own, everything is paid for.

Either brave it out and fingers crossed everyone is nice once the time comes or don't go.

Personally I think I would cancel it and do something else with DS but looks like that might be impossible as DH booked it. It doesn't bode well as far as happy birthday memories goes though a lot of this might just be nasty threats.

Your MIL may struggle to get a villa so late, but I would be telling your STBXdh that if he can't be nice and make his mother see what she is doing that you want all your money back. You may be able to get a last minute deal out there for you and the boys.

If you have just announced the divorce your MIL might come round by the time of the holiday. Sounds like she is just angry about it and hitting out. Surely she will put DGSs first at the time.

@KittiesInsane - I said to him the other day if he doesn't want me to go, why did he pay for my flight? His response was that he had no choice. I said to him, he can refund it all back to me but then he starts shouting and reminding me of all the holidays he's paid for in the past. That, I'm afraid, is what I am dealing with. I would love to take my son elsewhere now, they have all made this so much more awkward.

@doziedoozie - I'm trying so hard to brave it out, I think I've done well so far standing my ground. The more I think about it, the more angry I become that they refuse to consider the boys in all of this. I've got a good mind to let the MIL pay another £1k for another villa and then cancel the original one and tell them myself and DS aren't going, have a nice time!

You've paid for it so it's all up to you. Personally Id see how much you could get if you cancelled everything you'd booked.

Simple.You and DS go and stay in the villa and the others can all make their mind up what they want to do.

It almost sounds like she's trying to bully you out of your holiday so you don't go and she still gets her family holiday.

As the pp said see how much you get cancelling now, work out if you could afford a different one with ds's friend instead. Presumably you could still use the flights?