Help - a very upsetting situation

[Cygnet44]

Hi I don't come on here often but I find my self in a situation that is very upsetting and one that I cannot find a solution to. I've recently decided to end my marriage after 12 years, I won't go into the detail but it's not been a happy one for a number of years and enough is enough for the sake of both of us and my 17 year old son that lives with us.
The problem is that last October I thought it would a great idea to have a big family holiday to Florida for my son's 18th and also my stepson. It's somewhere we've always wanted to take the boys and this year will probably be the last year that they will want to come away with us. So booked on this holiday is myself, my husband, my son (from first marriage), My step son (husbands from a previous relationship, the mother in law, the sister in law and her partner. This is all booked and paid for and we are due to go at the end of August for 2 weeks, staying in a rented villa.
However, MIL has made it clear that she does not want to stay in the same villa as me, she has made her position very clear and stated that she doesn't want an atmosphere on holiday, thinking that myself and husband are going to fight and argue the whole time. In fact we have so far remained as civil as possible, as we are still living under the same roof. I went round to see the MIL a few weeks ago to try and sort this out but she isn't the easiest person to appeal to and she made it quite clear what she thought about me. The rest of the family (apart from the boys) have jumped on the bandwagon and have more or less tried to bully me into not going; suggesting I should book and pay for another hotel room for myself or not go at all (I have paid for all 4 of us to go, my husband has not paid a penny). I've had a row with the MIL, husband and an email from SIL. I know they are all discussing it behind my back. I did hear from SIL's partner that MIL is looking to book another villa so that I end up in the original one on my own.
In the middle of all this are our two boys, of which no one else, apart from me, are considering. They want to stay in the same place and hang out together like teenage boys should, especially in the evenings where there is a games room in the villa etc. How can one stay with his dad in one place and my son stay with me somewhere else? How can they expect me to stay somewhere on my own, not knowing when I can see my son? How is that an easy situation for my son, it will be uncomfortable for him to have to ask to see me, know when he is seeing me next, if I'm going to be welcome etc. Everyone is discussing this holiday and now everyone is getting to the stage where they don't know what to do for the best. I have stated that no one is thinking of the boys in all of this, that the holiday was about them and for 2 weeks, why can't people put their differences aside and behave like grown adults, for the sake of the boys and just have a nice holiday that we've paid a lot of money for. It's getting so ridiculous now and my son is at the point where he doesn't want to go, the excitement has been ruined. He sees that I am the only one being adult about this whilst everyone else is up in arms at the mere suggestion. My husband is burying his head in the sand and lying to his family as he is supposed to have told me they are looking to rent another villa and he hasn't told me this at all, I've heard it from SILs partner because he was dismayed at it all and didn't want to lie to me.

The situation has really got out of hand and is not helped by the obstinence of the MIL and my husband. They just refuse to listen to reason.
Please I really don't want to hear, why didn't I wait until after the holiday to end my marriage, because hindsight is a wonderful thing but in reality the marriage has been dead for years and actually I feel the situation would have been worse for various reasons. I've tried everything in my power to make it work but it just remains a very unhappy situation and one I just cannot take anymore.
I feel sick about it all, not least for the two boys in the middle of this. I just want it over and done with and for the boys to have a lovely time, my son to have a memorable 18th birthday whilst out there.

What would you do in this situation? I would really appreciate some thoughts.
Thanks :)

@Groovee - I will try that thank you

@doziedoozie - knowing MIL I very much doubt that, she has made it clear what she thinks of me (apparently I'm selfish, but she has a very short memory about everything I have done to support stbxh through some very challenging times) and she has told me she thinks I'm false and that we will never see eye to eye. All this after being part of the family for almost 15 years!

@Damnautocorrect - yes that is exactly what she is doing. When I went to see her, she was adamant she wasn't going to go and stay in the same place as me, she said you go and have a nice time (in a condescending way). I said I'm sorry she feels that way and what a shame that is. I then offered not to go and she replied, 'oh no, you're not going to make me feel guilty!'. So damned if I do, damned if I don't. She then said I should not go and I should do something else with my son for his birthday! Or I should go and pay for a room in a hotel somewhere else! She really is a very difficult woman and refuses to see reason.

Cygnet
The main thing is that you have done nothing wrong here. You are being reasonable in the face of provocation and bullying. I would explore your options, you've already paid for the flights and the villa so you could just go and say sod it to the rest of them - they can come or not come but you are doing what you want. Otherwise, see about changing your booking to suit you and your son; maybe get a refund on the villa and book a resort hotel.

Do what works best for you and let the rest of them stew.

The villa booking is in your name for your dh and your kids but your relatives have paid a share of that?

Can you refund the MIL and the SIL their share so you can cut ties there?

Sounds like they don't want to holiday with you no matter what you say.

You then tell DH that he can choose where to stay BUT the kids stay with you as you have paid for that bit?

How much would it cost to cancel the whole thing and start again? Just you and the kids?

I guess the problem with that idea is that you may not get a refund for the flights as your DH paid with his card?

Sit down with your DS and stbexdh, lay out the issues as you see them and give the solutions. On no account should you offer to not go that would play in to bitchmil's hands.
Could she be calling your bluff? At least your sil dp seems nice.
Also sit with your son explain the situation again and tell him that if it was just you and him and he dropped out you would be hurt.

You really are between a rock and a hard place, aren't you?

If you could get the money back, at this point in your position I'd cancel the lot and get all the money back you can, invite son and stepson and go somewhere completely different, just the three of you and make it just about the boys and the birthday. This planned one is tarnished and full of bad emotions now, however it ends it won't be what it should have been for you or your son and that isn't how it should be.

However if Stbex is going to be a dick about refunding you the money you've paid if you cancel, you're in a much trickier position.

If you have a bunch of adults utterly determined this is all about them and their point scoring, and are prepared to ruin their ds/dgs's 18th on principle and make him unhappy and uncomfortable then you're wasting your time running around in circles trying to find ways to make it work I'm afraid. They are going to make sure they are buggers whatever you try. Have you put it to your son and asked him what HE wants to happen now?

I'm afraid I would also point out to his grandmother and father that he is about to become an adult, is watching this performance with adult eyes and full comprehension, and he will no longer have to have contact with any of them, so do they really feel this is worth permanently damaging their relationship with him for? Because it will; he won't forget that they did this to him for the rest of his life. And if they don't feel this is worth damaging their relationship with him for, what are they prepared to do to avoid that happening?

The ball needs plonking back in their court. Repeatedly.

I'd take yourself and the boys and cancel everyone else.

Thank you everyone, I'm sitting in tears here, it's been a horrible afternoon. I took my son for a drink when I got home from work to see what he wanted to do.. He is now adamant that he doesn't want to go, I told him that would make me sad and that we would still have an awesome time but it really has got too much for him. You are right he is seeing this with adult eyes and he will certainly remember what these so called family members have done to him.

My stbex just came in and I tried to tell him again all he is doing is hurting the boys but he is being the biggest dickhead possible, saying I;m not going on holiday with you! I keep telling him it's not about me, it;s the boys, but his attitude is oh well life changes! I cannot believe he is doing this to them! I'm so very angry with them all. You are correct that the holiday won't be the same it will leave a sour taste.
The only money I can get back is the the tax on the flights about £100 each, nothing on the villa, that's almost £4k down the drain, which I forked out.
I'm afraid this won't end nicely at all :(

I don't know what the solution is. They need to grow up. Some people are unbelievable. You're part of her family for 15 years surely she'd want to keep you together so would be nice to you but maybe I'm basing that on how my family or anyone normal would be.

My worry is where this villa is and how you're all going to get about. Can you drive over there? The distances from villas to theme parks can be big plus public transport not convenient. Who was going to drive? If it's you let them live where they want. Your son can be with you which means the step son will likely want to be there too and let the rest do what they want.

Just tell your son he's going - he's acting like his dad and grandmother all hasty and emotional. Just say we'll stay in the villa and you can stay over the other one as well to see them. I'd think about getting your own car to get around. Tell him he can't let you lose £4k. He'll be fine when out there. Poor step brother too, it'll be ruined for him if your son doesn't go so tell him not to do it for that reason.

annielouise you would like to think so wouldn't you? I have supported that family through so much, bereavement, cancer, drug addiction, illness, you name it I've been through the lot with them. And this is how they treat me. They seriously are not normal.

I don't feel confident driving over there, stbex was going to do all the driving. I have researched transport and there is a company that will transport between the residential areas and theme parks, I know there's buses that run up and down international drive area.

I'm just hoping that my step son's mum is ok with me still taking him, he;s been part of my life for so long and gets on well with my boy, they have grown up together and were looking forward to spending time with each other on holiday as they don't see too much of each other.

I've got a good mind to call BA in the morning and transfer my stbex flight to one of my sons friends and take them all for a good holiday, and sod the rest of them.

Do it Cygnet44! Ungrateful fools, the lot of them.

What a nightmare.
How about you all fly out there as planned but you invite a couple of DS's friends to come along (paying their own flights.)
You, DS and the extra friends stay at the villa you booked and the other idiots find alternative arrangements. Same for park tickets. Let them sort their own entertainment out.
I would imagine DSS would rather be with you, DS and friends than with the others so hopefully, both boys would have fun and be able to forget the awful situation for a few days. Orlando really is magical and makes you feel like RL is on hold.

Um why did you book a special 18th birthday holiday for your son which involved his grandmother, his aunt and his aunt's partner?

To me that screams nightmare even if your relationship with your husband was idyllic but setting that up when the relationship was rocky, even if at that point you hadn't decided to end it seems odd.

Re not driving if you were to go yourself I think that would be a disaster unless it were possible to hire a driver for the 2 weeks, which I'm sure is possible but will cost the earth. Relying on public transport/taxis is a non-starter.

Sorry, nothing very positive to add. It's a shame your son won't go just with you- would step-son, you and your son be an option?

Goodness how horrible. I can't see a way out of this situation that won't leave a family rift- any way you do it. With that in mind I'd focus on doing what you feel is right and do that as much as you can.

Do you really want to go? It sounds horrific; having to stay with a load of people who - right or wrong - are not overly keen on you at the moment and having to be dependent on your ex to drive you around? I'd run a mile.

If they'll give you some money back I'd be tempted to send them all off and grab a week in the sun on my own.

firstly I would speak to stepsons mum to see if she is happy for him to go with you, then I would transfer tickets you paid for to friends names, tell everyone what you are doing IE: taking son stepson and friend to original villa for a holiday, let them do what they like after that.

Thanks again everyone. I realise it's not a great situation. I don't particularly want to stay with the MIL first and foremost because it is she who has created this situation. My stbex is behaving just like her and not putting his boys first. He has actually placed my son in the middle of it, telling him that they are all booking another place and he needs to make a decision about what he is going to do! All this to a 17 yr old lad, it's despicable behaviour!
This morning I have taken the proverbial bull by the horns and have told my son he can take a couple of friends instead and I will chaperone them around. I really don't care what the rest of them do; that's their decision. the MIL, SIL and her partner have paid their own costs, I have paid for stbex, me and the boys. I have told stbex that he is not going, and I will transfer his flight to one of my sons friends. I'm not going to be bullied by him or his family and they are welcome to go do as they please.

I think given the situation I would pay £4k to not have to spend 2 weeks with these people.

Walk away. The boys are 18 they will be matesif they want to now regardless.

Just walm away from the Iot of them.

Thanks StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes, I have left a message for step sons mum to call me w=so we can speak. We get on reasonably well, it's amicable and I'm certain she will want her son put first and foremost.

Good for you! What was his reaction?

I was going to suggest the same as popmimimboo. Could you invite a one or two of your sons friends. Maybe you could even subsidise their trips?

Also, what about inviting a friend or family member of your own, preferably one that could drive.

This is such an awful situation. I feel really bad for your son and for you.

Oops cross post.

I hope that works out ok OP, it sounds like a good plan.

Morloth I may well do that but if I do it will be at the very last minute whilst they're all still deliberating and arguing about what to do and when they have spent their money again on somewhere else. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction that I have bowed out because of their bullying ways. If my son still wants to go with his step brother and a couple of mates then that is what will happen; at the end of the day it's about my boys not the rest of them.

Fair enough.

I'd still look at how you're going to get around Orlando, especially from a villa. You need to hire a car, unless you're loaded and can afford cabs or a driver.