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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

(for a friend) weddings don't need a party...

90 replies

ebwy · 14/07/2014 13:54

...do they?

My friend and her fiance aren't really party people. (she's asking my view because I hate parties too)

They are planning a wedding next year on a date that's significant to them, which is in the school holidays but midweek. Tbh they'd both be happier with just them and a registrar and 2 witnesses but understand that would alienate their family so accept the need for guests. But that escalates into having to having to have food, and an evening do which they will both hate.

I say they don't have to feed nor provide drinks, have speeches etc nor all the rest of the fuss if they don't want to, as long as they make it clear to guests beforehand (i.e. In the invites). His sister thinks that would be awful and rude. Who's right?

OP posts:
angelohsodelight · 14/07/2014 13:55

Why not compromise and have the wedding followed by afternoon tea?
Is a budget issue?

secretlypregnant · 14/07/2014 13:57

Of course not! Their day, their choice.

We didn't want an evening do either - although we did have a buffet type meal and some speeches.

I loved climbing into our van and driving off on our honeymoon at the end of the meal, with all our guests waving us goodbye.

crje · 14/07/2014 14:01

Rude to invite people and not feed them. I suggest a wedding breakfast/lunch before leaving to enjoy the rest of the day alone.

Jackie0 · 14/07/2014 14:01

It isn't really up to his sister though, "awful and rude " hmmm not for the happy couple it won't be.
They should do whatever they want.
I got married in our city hall and we and a small number of guests went for a steak dinner afterwards.
Maybe a traditional "do" is expected if they or their families are religious?
I still say it's up to them. If I were in their shoes I'd elope Wink

Original poster
ebwy · 14/07/2014 14:02

Budget and being quiet people who just aren't into being the centre of attention. Mainly she feels that it's wasting money on something they won't enjoy which could help towards taking the kids on holiday instead. They just aren't "centre of attention" people.

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 14/07/2014 14:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TalcumPowder · 14/07/2014 14:06

We just had two witnesses, and took them for tapas afterwards. I can't get excited about 'family alienation'. Anyone who's ever met either of us would realise we were not the 'white dress, bridesmaids and reception' types, and there would have been a complete mismatch between our ideas (casual, minimal, ordinary clothes) and our families' desire for some mammoth do involving big hats, church, and them 'paying back' barely-known relatives for invitations to their children's weddings.

I agree. Who cares what the sister thinks?

Original poster
ebwy · 14/07/2014 14:07

I did suggest that the sister should organise and pay for the party she thinks they should have...

The bride-to-be says that she's going to offer them all a sausage sandwich from her George Forman grill (I think she was kidding)

OP posts:
SarcyMare · 14/07/2014 14:09

we didn't have an evening do ,couldn't afford one, but we did have a sit down meal.

MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 14/07/2014 14:10

We didn't have a reception either. We went for a meal afterwards and quite a few people choose to come with us, but we didn't pay for them (couldn't afford to!) We got married to be married , not for the wedding (was pregnant and this was before the law changed giving unmarried fathers parental rights).

We were exactly the same though - had to invite people or there would have been ructions, so picked an awkward midweek time in order to give people an 'out' as it were.

capsium · 14/07/2014 14:10

What about round their house for a few sausage rolls, sandwiches and cakes afterwards? Or barbecue. Bring a bottle? Select friends and family.

BlackeyedSusan · 14/07/2014 14:11

we did not have an evening do, much to the chagrin of pils. apparently it was not good enough for their family. tough. not them paying for it.

suggest afternoon tea or sit down meal in restaurant something quiet to suit the couple.

I went to a wedding and we all travelled home in the one car and had red salmon sandwiches in his mums living room. bride groom, two witnesses, and me.

Heels99 · 14/07/2014 14:12

Could they go to b&g home for tea, champagne and cake after?

I think you do have to provide something. It would be awkward after the very short ceremony if b&g head off by he selves leaving their guests behind!

mkmjimmy · 14/07/2014 14:12

My brother got married in very small ceremony - about 8 people - and we all went out for a nice lunch afterwards. No speeches or anything. Just exactly what they wanted to do.

Bunbaker · 14/07/2014 14:15

"But that escalates into having to having to have food, and an evening do which they will both hate."

Evening dos are not mandatory. I agree that to invite people to a wedding and not provide some kind of refreshment is a bit off, but they could specify and end time on the invitation and not have an evening do.We didn't have one.

Original poster
ebwy · 14/07/2014 14:17

They are from large families so won't all fit in their house! Or that would be the ideal solution.

I'm very helpful and said to take orders for the chip shop at the end of the ceremony and directions to the local park to eat them (wedding is early April so probable rain) which should put people off enough

OP posts:
DeWee · 14/07/2014 14:17

I went to a wedding where the reception was cake and champagne in the church after the service while photos were taken. That was lovely and friendly. We toasted the bride and groom, but that wasn't planned, it was a spur of the moment thing by his brother.

I would think it depends slightly on how far the guests will be travelling. If they're all local then I think it's fine to just have the service. If the guests are travelling a distance then I think they need something else, but just cake and a drink would be fine.

Legionofboom · 14/07/2014 14:18

I do hate to hear of people having the expectations and desires of extended family forced on to their weddings.

They can have any sort of wedding they want.

I would arrange the wedding at fairly short notice so that people don't have months to whinge and whine about what they think should happen.

ElephantsNeverForgive · 14/07/2014 14:19

I didn't have an evening party, just a nice buffette, speeches and cake in the hall next to the church.

DH's parents were vetting on, mine don't do parties, DH hates dancing (especially in front of people he knows). We got married in a beautiful touristy bit of the world. Our guests, mostly weren't party people either. They had no bother in finding nice places for a drink and a evening meal.

Heels99 · 14/07/2014 14:20

Drink in a pub after?

allisgood1 · 14/07/2014 14:23

We did this. Had a small registry office ceremony, then back to PIL for a "tea" of champagne, sandwiches and cake. Really small (30 people) and lovely.

Nomama · 14/07/2014 14:25

We went to a pub. We hung around for a little while and then left them to it.

My family went off for a pizza and a long night chatting about rubbish and his family stayed and had a punch up amongst themselves!

Sod anyone who says you must, that isn't a law!

bronya · 14/07/2014 14:32

I hate evening parties and being around lots of people, so we had a small wedding with a buffet lunch. Started at 11am so most people didn't have to stay overnight, and finished at 3pm so everyone had time to get home afterwards. A few people stayed nearby before/after to catch up with relatives, but no one had to. It was a lovely day, didn't cost much at all, and everyone who really mattered was there. We had less than 50 people and it was a lovely atmosphere. We both had time to sit with, and speak to, every person who came. Some of my wider family were slightly upset they weren't invited, but that's life. It would have more than doubled the numbers!

AMumInScotland · 14/07/2014 14:34

I think if they're going to invite a lot of people then it's a little unkind not to give them some sort of food and drink afterwards - a wedding is also a chance to hang around with family and friends and catch up, or have a fight, or remind everyone of what their Sheryl said about our Beryl at the last wedding.

But that could be all going down the pub if they don't want to make a big do of it.

For smaller numbers, I'd agree with her on the sausage sandwiches.... but not if their house and garden are too small!

trevortrevorslattery · 14/07/2014 14:36

I don't think it's rude at all and there's no obligation to feed/water the guests. You're right - if it's clear on the invitation then those who think it's "awful and rude" can just give it a miss.

I guarantee they won't regret having the day they want.

Hope they have a lovely day!