(for a friend) weddings don't need a party...

[ebwy]

...do they?

My friend and her fiance aren't really party people. (she's asking my view because I hate parties too)

They are planning a wedding next year on a date that's significant to them, which is in the school holidays but midweek. Tbh they'd both be happier with just them and a registrar and 2 witnesses but understand that would alienate their family so accept the need for guests. But that escalates into having to having to have food, and an evening do which they will both hate.

I say they don't have to feed nor provide drinks, have speeches etc nor all the rest of the fuss if they don't want to, as long as they make it clear to guests beforehand (i.e. In the invites). His sister thinks that would be awful and rude. Who's right?

I think the problem is the invites.

If invited to a wedding people would presume they were a wanted guest and not begrudgingly asked to keep family peace, And the B&G would rather they not be there.

And then people wouldn't mind a drink (thinking of a cuppa, cordial, fruit juice not the alcohol) afterwards with a slice of cake? It's a social thing. Chance to chat/ catch up. But that's cos the guest doesn't realise the background behind the invite.

I think either stick to guns with not inviting or spread little love with a cuppa and a slice of cake.

No need for a party! However, a little something to mark the occasion seems appropriate, even if it's just getting a modest MnS cake and some sparkling wine to enjoy casually with everyone in a nearby park or pub.

She could get married at 2pm or something and then have champagne and snacks so that it isn't near a meal time and make it clear on the invite what's going on. She could arrange travel plans that night so nobody can try and make them go out that evening.

I second the get married then have a table booked for lunch / dinner at the nearest pub. Or if weather is forcasted as nice a picnic basket and champers in the park.

I always believe you shouldn't have to conform, its your wedding do it your way!

Never been to a wedding that didn't have food afterwards, but that said the main part of the wedding is the ceremony itself, not the food afterwards.

Once of the nicest weddings I went to involved 6 of us (inc B&G) going for a lovely lunch after a brief ceremony, then close friends coming to an open house in the evening and drifting in and out. No speeches, no formality. Was really special.

Have a simple civil ceremony, decamp to local pub for cheapish buffet spread and then (here's the clever bit) make a grand exit (or as grand an exit as they can bear) for honeymoon after an hour or so and leave the rest of the family to party on. How it used to be done, apparently.

Just a pub meal would be great. No big party.

Or hire a village hall and have a being and share meal after. Ask guests to bring a dish and their own boose. May the wedding for late 4pm and eat 5pm. People can then go on to the pub if they wish without bride or groom

I do think they should limit it to parents and siblings if they just want a small do.
I don't think you can invite dozens of people and not then host some form of meal.
If they want to invite the 50-60 people and not have a large "party" type party though, then go with a morning ceremony and a lunch, or an early afternoon ceremonythen an afternoon tea as many have suggested.

I think the solution may lie in cutting down the guest list from 'large families' to those that really care/live nearby, by making the wedding less attractive. If they have a midweek, afternoon, low key wedding with 'just' a buffet or afternoon tea, finishing at 4pm, that should weed out at least some of the long-distancers, those with school age children, or simply those who only turn up for the free booze and a punch up, leaving a manageable number to whom they could happily feed canapes/scones/prosecco and make an early escape. When we got married my husbands 2nd cousins and their numerous children from 150 miles away were invited to the evening do only (and that at his parents insistence), and surprisingly (!) declined. No great loss as 12 years later I still haven't met any of them.

We didn't

We had a wedding with about 30 guests (including our four children) and a nice meal in a hotel. We did everything you would 'normally' do, but left the guests in the bar and went home afterwards.

TBH I didn't really want that - what your friends want would have been perfect for me; I was coerced into having a wedding

I wasn't interested in wasting money on a big party, or being centre of attention. We went down the local park, which is next to a big lake, had the celebrant come and do the service there, then put on beer/wine/orange juice and just had some big platters of nibbles. Everyone milled around for a couple of hours, had a chat, then went home. Didn't cost much, and no big fuss made.

We had registry office, followed by an afternoon meal and then they all went home.

We had imnediate family only (not even aunts/uncles) and 1 friend each.

To us that was our perfect day. Ultimately noone but the b&g should have a choice in the day. If they have the wedding others want them to they wont enjoy whats supposted to be their special day and quite frankly anyone who doesnt get that doesnt deserve to be there as they obviously dont care enough about b&g.