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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

(for a friend) weddings don't need a party...

90 replies

ebwy · 14/07/2014 13:54

...do they?

My friend and her fiance aren't really party people. (she's asking my view because I hate parties too)

They are planning a wedding next year on a date that's significant to them, which is in the school holidays but midweek. Tbh they'd both be happier with just them and a registrar and 2 witnesses but understand that would alienate their family so accept the need for guests. But that escalates into having to having to have food, and an evening do which they will both hate.

I say they don't have to feed nor provide drinks, have speeches etc nor all the rest of the fuss if they don't want to, as long as they make it clear to guests beforehand (i.e. In the invites). His sister thinks that would be awful and rude. Who's right?

OP posts:

Ragwort · 14/07/2014 16:12

Just tell them to go and get married, two witnesses off the street and tell the family afterwards - surely it shouldn't be such a big deal - if people are disappointed they have 'missed' a big do they will get over it.

We only had five guests at our wedding, we did take them out for lunch afterwards and that was it (and of course we did not expect presents ).

I will be delighted if my DS decides to elope (or remains single ).

HerRoyalNotness · 14/07/2014 16:14

I think PP suggestions of an afternoon tea are really nice. Is there a hotel that does a high tea as standard, where you can just book for x number of places, and have that as the wedding "breakfast"?

specialsubject · 14/07/2014 16:19

their wedding, their call. If they want to do the 10mins ceremony, do it.

if you invite people who have to make a journey, it is rude not to feed.

simple solution - no invites.

tobiasfunke · 14/07/2014 16:21

Tell them just go and get married without all the fuss if that's what they want - everyone will get over it. I was guilted into a 'proper' wedding by my mother (albeit only 60 guests at an evening do and immediate family only at the registry office)- but I still resent that. I wish we'd just had the courage to go off and do it quietly. It's their day and they should do what they really want.

Original poster

ebwy · 14/07/2014 18:14

Of course they socialise - on a seeing a friend or a family unit basis. Not the "going out" type,

It seems both the sister and I were wrong. No party necessary but at least give them a sandwich and a cuppa.

OP posts:

Icimoi · 14/07/2014 18:18

I really think they need to stretch at least to going out to a pub or restaurant afterwards - having everyone standing around awkwardly wielding teacups and sandwiches would just be gruesome. If they stress the whole thing is going to be really low key, with any luck they can keep at least some of the relatives away - especially if it's in the middle of a working/school day.

jamdonut · 14/07/2014 19:05

My wedding was register office with 20 immediate family,a set price/number of photos with a professional photographer after,then all back to our tiny flat for a few sandwiches,wedding cake and some fizz. Then we left everyone to it while we set off for a mini honeymoon ( one night and a lovely dinner and breakfast in a nice hotel). Really,a wedding should be whatever you want it to be. You don't have to have a big "do" !

StormCloudsGathering · 14/07/2014 19:14

Surely family doesn't have to mean Aunts, Uncles, Cousins etc? I'd take a small family wedding/reg do (eg. registry office/family meal) to mean parents and siblings plus maybe a couple of close friends.

starlight1234 · 14/07/2014 20:07

I have a feeling while there will always be the big flash weddings I think that people will think a little more about how much they are spending.

Your friends wedding do what she wants

CalamitouslyWrong · 14/07/2014 20:16

Afternoon tea doesn't have to be awkward. It can be all elegant and stuff, and involve sitting at tables.

deadduck · 14/07/2014 20:21

This is what we had - midweek registry office wedding on date significant to us, two friends for witnesses (would have done without them but worried about not being able to convince random strangers off the street to act as our witnesses), glass of champagne/cup of tea in bar afterwards - the end. Still glad we did it this way (18 years ago).
I don't think it's anyone's business. I don't think family have the right to decide how you get married.

ICanSeeTheSun · 14/07/2014 20:22

I wouldn't have a problem with going to the ceremony and then going home, as long as I can wear a dress and high shoes

ChippyMinton · 14/07/2014 21:49

I'm another advocate of low-key ceremony with immediate family followed by afternoon tea. All done and dusted by 5pm, wave them off, and later out for dinner a deux.

Gillian1980 · 14/07/2014 22:05

They can do whatever they like and feel comfortable with!

We had a 5 min civil ceremony, a meal in a nice restaurant and 2 drinks :)

musicalendorphins2 · 15/07/2014 05:37

That ^ is what we did. Justice of the Peace at city hall wedding, then a nice restaurant for lunch for 12 afterwards. Oh, and a wedding cake. Then dh and I went away for a few days.

MerdeAlor · 15/07/2014 05:58

One of the nicest weddings I've been to was like the ones described above. Wedding at midday at the registry office followed by a lovely lunch in a restaurant. There was 14 of us and it felt so genuine and special.

Sometimes all the fuss and nonsense overshadows the meaning of the day. This way its simple and meaningful.

MaryWestmacott · 15/07/2014 06:33

The problem is if they are inviting large numbers , they should cater. Better to just do it with 2 witnesses.

Or, if they were thinking of spending the money on a holiday, do that and get married on holiday with a "we are getting married at x hotel on y date" message, only the people who really want to see them married will turn up rather than those wanting to go to a do. (Doesn't have to be overseas, I know a couple who got married in the Lake District at a little hotel)

EdithWeston · 15/07/2014 06:40

If they are doing low key, will they really be inviting all of their large families?

If you invite people over the times when people would normally eat, then you need to feed them.

If they do not want to do that, then early afternoon ceremony followed by a tea (with toasts, and maybe cake if they're not averse to all trappings) would be fine.

specialmagiclady · 15/07/2014 06:41

A wedding is a public event and - in theory - anyone off the street can turn up. So they can "let it be known" that they are doing it at x time in x place and people can turn up if they want to. If they scope out a local pub then they will be able to say "everyone shall we head down the red lion?" or whatever and have a drink and some Real Mccoys

specialmagiclady · 15/07/2014 06:43

(this sounds like my dream wedding to visit as a guest! No stilted conversation with people I hardly know and I can leave when I like)

If people are travelling great distances/paying for accommodation etc though this is Proper Rude and can really only be done when everyone is local.

GhettoFabulous · 15/07/2014 08:13

They should either elope, or offer some sort of hospitality. They could just have parents and siblings out for lunch, no need for aunts etc.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 15/07/2014 08:21

Don't see why this has to be so big tbh.

Bride groom
Mums dads
Guess 2 bro/sis either side and partners
No kids or anyone else, u inc.

I've got to 14.

If that's what they want and do everyone else will accommodate. Otherwise it will be 150.

JustAShopGirl · 15/07/2014 08:26

We got married at 1, lunch at 2, done by 5.... not party people either.

forgot to say there were 75 of us - had all the family there, some travelled 700miles, but all were happy, or if they weren't they had the good manners to keep it to themselves.

Those who wanted to party went off down the pub for dinner of their own accord, we had gone off for our honeymoon by then.

HappyAgainOneDay · 15/07/2014 08:28

We had a 5.00pm wedding (the last possible time to be legal, apparently) and no formal reception. Everyone went straight to a party. I mentioned our barn dance on another thread.

SignYourName · 15/07/2014 08:35

We had a weekday register office wedding with nine guests, a meal afterwards in a hotel and no evening do at all. We didn't want one, we couldn't afford one, so we didn't have one.

I bloody loved my wedding...no stress, no fuss, enjoyed every minute of the run-up and the day itself.

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