DP read my MN, gutted

[AtSea1979]

Just that really.
He's been acting lovely for past few days and I found out he'd read my thread about him.
I am gutted and even feel like ending it. This is my safe place. This is where I come and nowhere knows me in RL and I can say whatever I want/need to say.
As a single parent this has been my life line over the years. The place I came to cry. The place I came to laugh.
Feel sad now.

peggy - what if you need advice on an aspect of your relationship?

what else does this partner do apart from online stalking - this behaviour could be the tip of the iceberg of an abuser who is controlling couldn't it?

Or it really could have been misguided actions based on worry over OPs health problems.

I'm not up for killing him based on the evidence we have.

OP posted about him expecting sex when she is post surgery - I worry there is much more to this than him doing concerned 'stalking'. I fear OP has left one abusive controlling relationship for another. I would be very glad to be wrong though.

hopefulhamster I wouldn't ask anyone for advice on my relationship - if I was having problems I would resolve it myself by speaking to my partner - I certainly wouldn't be posting any intimate details of my relationship online with a load of strangers who know nothing about either of us.

Well shall we close the relationships board then?

I think there is a line to cross but if posters are careful then mumsnet is a fantastic resource for getting advice on all sorts of things including relationships.

Peggy -- the relationship is young and this wasn't 'some posts'. This was everything she posted.

I have had the experience of living in an abusive relationship where I found myself isolated and living with a man whose response to any problems in the relationship I brought up was ugly.. Your if I was having problems I would resolve it myself by speaking to my partner - I certainly wouldn't be posting any intimate details of my relationship online with a load of strangers who know nothing about either of us pov sounds like the sort of thing someone who has no conception of life with an abuser would say. Lucky you.

Should I have accepted my exH's refusal to talk to consellors and just sat home waiting for him to change, or is it ok to seek advice wherever it is available, free, and instantly? I went to group sessions run by my local women's shelter. I talked plenty. And I have posted here in the aftermath. So slap me.

Part of what keeps abused women in a domestic prison is silence and fear of talking. Your pov is a recipe for disaster in relationships where someone is being abused. Silence? Respect for the privacy of the abusing partner? No way.

This man did what he did with no regard for the assumption of privacy that comes with use of fake names, and the very clear message to snoopers in RL that a username is not meant to be used by anyone but its chooser (on any site) that comes with fake names. This is not just in the case of MN. You can't go onto someone's online banking or email account, or any other account they have. Either you respect the convention or you are a person who should be dumped.

When you encounter a site where registered users have usernames and passwords you are crossing all sorts of lines when you use that site as if you were the owner of that username.

Someone who does that has no regard for website conventions, or thinks they don't apply when it's your partner. Imo this man is not relationship material.

And I agree with Mindyourown1 -- I would say this is his announcement of who he is. Everyone tell you who they are eventually. You are lucky if you get a clear picture early on.

Other than this DP has been wonderful, never left my side during surgery/post op etc. We talked and appears to sort it out. Trouble is it's not.
DP has gone out for first time since it happened (other than work) and I'm lay here wondering if he's actually where he says he is. I don't want to be that kind of person. I hope trust can be rebuilt but right now I feel very worried :(

mathanxiety I didn't say woman should live in fear or silence - I said they should speak to their partner. as for being abused - speak up - tell them to fuck off - don't take it... have the courage & conviction to do that - why do you need validation from strangers to tell you to do that? seriously if an adult is big enough to have a relationship they should be big enough to speak up when they don't like something.

I think you have misunderstood that there is no privacy on the internet - its open - end of. doesn't matter about usernames, real or fake - they are not safe - banking on the internet isn't safe, doing anything on the internet can be filled with danger on a daily basis. I work in IT - I deal with the repercussions of people thinking its safe every day... its not no matter what anyone tells you.

I'm sorry but I agree with the people that are saying it's not a private place. You've had a bit of a wakeup call & luckily the consequences haven't been too bad. If you're posting enough details that someone can work out who you're talking about, then you have to expect it will happen at some time. Likewise, if someone knows your username then you have to expect they'll google it - it's human nature, whether they're male or female.

If I was in a relatively new relationship with someone & I discovered they'd been blasting our details all over the web & asking advice I'd be starting to think that maybe I wouldn't want to be with such a person...

I'm not your DP & I have no idea who you are, but it would still be interesting to look through the 124 posts of yours that a Google Search brings up and have a go at working out what sort of person you are from them.

That's why I NC at least every month & have even quit & re-registered with a different email in the past. I don't want anyone doing a bit of amateur sleuth work & coming to the wrong conclusions...

It wasn't that long ago that MN were hacked & all the user details compromised so just be aware for future posts that nothing online is anonymous...

Don't worry about it, AtSea. You just need to give yourself time to mull it over and, if it does seem to be too much, tell him and chuck him out of the door.

If you can't forget it, let it go, then it was a step too much for you to cope with. It may be that, absolutely regardless of his intent, you cannot get over it.

In fact, I'd say it probably doesn't really matter what he intended. It is all up to you. You need to work out why, what past experiences have left you seeing his actions in this way? You say you don't want to 'be that kind of person' well, maybe he is your chance to practice being a bit different.

Good luck working it all out xx

peggyundercrackers - I suspect after a few kickings and perhaps a broken rib or two you don't speak up that quickly. If you have no family or friends that you can turn to then the internet can be a useful source of information to escape situations that aren't solved by 'not taking it'

I think there is always a risk when you post on the internet, but I have never checked up on my DH, though I think I know a couple of his nn and I often refer him to stuff I've posted on here and he has been explicit in getting permission to look at what I have put.

I suppose I see it as, my post comes here. It is on the table. I think it would be inappropriate for someone to read my letters without my express permission. The letters are still on the table, so anyone in theory could read them. It just wouldn't be right to actually open them up and have a look. It would be completely inappropriate to open those envelopes if they contained a source of comfort.

I didn't say woman should live in fear or silence - I said they should speak to their partner. as for being abused - speak up - tell them to fuck off - don't take it... have the courage & conviction to do that - why do you need validation from strangers to tell you to do that? seriously if an adult is big enough to have a relationship they should be big enough to speak up when they don't like something.

Peggy you lucky woman you clearly have no idea what you are talking about when you speak of partner abuse.

I am not going to take your post apart. It's all nonsense born of complete ignorance, every single sentence.

And I have not misunderstood anything about privacy on the internet, and neither has the OP. The assumption of privacy extends to the internet just as it extends to privacy in a bathroom in a restaurant or workplace -- just because it is technically feasible to install a hidden camera and record employees changing into uniforms or using the loo doesn't mean it is right to do it, and anyone who does that has something wrong with him or her. Just because it is technically possible to hack into someone's online banking or e-mail account or MN account doesn't mean anyone should.

It's not a matter of what is technically possible being perfectly reasonable. It's a matter of people who can get access to other people's accounts understanding that they should not. The vast majority of people can understand that, or nobody would do any banking online, Paypal, etc wouldn't exist, Angela Merkel wouldn't make a fuss about her phone being tapped, etc.