DP read my MN, gutted

[AtSea1979]

Just that really.
He's been acting lovely for past few days and I found out he'd read my thread about him.
I am gutted and even feel like ending it. This is my safe place. This is where I come and nowhere knows me in RL and I can say whatever I want/need to say.
As a single parent this has been my life line over the years. The place I came to cry. The place I came to laugh.
Feel sad now.

How concerned about your medical condition was he op?

[though I know that to some people, no matter how concerned someone was, he shouldnt have done it]

OP - looking at previous threads I would think him reading what you have written is the least of your worries. He sounds controlling and selfish tbh - sorry.

If they genuinely happened to stumble across something you'd posted, then that can't be helped, it's the internet.

But that seems unlikely, what we're talking about is partners who have gone trawling through your internet history. My ex did this and it was a horrible invasion of my privacy.

You don't need an account to do an in-depth search for someone.

In Google you could search eg FatalCabbage +mumsnet.com and although you'd get a certain amount of noise you would find a lot of posts I'd written. Nothing from OTBT, obviously, but absolutely anything else.

OP says he used Google.

Oh god, fatal cabbage, you are right!

Eek

Afraid so. It's why witty, memorable nicknames can be a bad idea. Frequent namechanges to unremarkablev names is the least searchable strategy.

Single words make the best safe nns, becauae they are obscured ny by more noise.

Trees, Headlight, Banana - if you can use something as mundane as that you are very hard to search.

Thanks for the advice fatal

He invaded your privacy and snooped where he shouldn't have. He has no right to be upset with something he should never have read in the first place.

OP, sorry you feel betrayed, not sure what I'd do in your place, it is so alien to how my dh is. My dh has never lied to anyone since I have known him, and lying would a no no. Snooping isn't really a deal breaker as I feel if it is on the internet it is not private. Especially a forum that anybody can read without even being a member.

Good advice fatal . My dh knows mine, I think, but I have had about 10 different names on here over the past 4 years. Plus he doesn't care about social media, he doesn't even have a facebook account.

thumbwitch you'd think so, especially as I had an injunction against him forbidding him to tamper with any of my online accounts, as he has a long history of doing it. But as mn is a public website, and visible to anyone, he came out with a bullshit story about how a friend had seen the thread and showed it to him, as she recognised it as me. I know that can't be what happened as:

A) he doesn't have any friends
B) even if he did, there's no way I could have been recognised from that thread as I was very careful not to put anything too identifying, and I had name changed specifically for the thread.

But there was no way of proving that he hadn't just stumbled across it. He had spyware on my computer and watched everything I was doing online (may still be, not sure).

I think it is the same as reading a dairy as mo one chances upon posts online. You have to go looking for it and many posters have said their OH's have actively sought them out. This is invasive

Beavie: Your ex and mine must have gone to the same school of stalky-fuckery. Mine also hacked my computer with spyware, and the type he used allowed Skype to activate my webcam and microphone so that he could see and hear what I was doing. (until that computer and all of my online accounts met an untimely death.)

OP, the scary thing is, guess where my ex's stalking began- He searched my emails because he was "worried about my health issue". Then he created a mumsnet account and searched all my past threads. Then came the spyware, hacking my satnav to see where I went...

If you can't trust him to respect your privacy, then why bother continuing the relationship? What lies ahead but more suspicion and lies?

I'm kind of surprised that people here are sharing details of their partners lives and then claiming that they are the ones that feel like there privacy has been invaded.

Sharing anonymously with details changed... world of difference.

I agree hopefulhamster. My most recent ex was angry for putting things about him and arguments we'd had etc on mn, but there's no way anyone could be able to identify that it's him from what I wrote.

I think it's a lot better to canvass opinions on a place such as mn, than to go round sounding off to people in real life about issues. You are more likely to get honest opinions, rather than friends telling you what you want to hear. Also, my ex had a habit of phoning his mates up (mostly female) and bleating on to them whenever we'd fallen out, which had the effect of making those friends dislike me, which then meant that slowly more and more social events etc were ruled out as I'd have felt too awkward going to hang around with people who clearly didn't like me. You don't get any of that with mn.

But there was no way of proving that he hadn't just stumbled across it. He had spyware on my computer and watched everything I was doing online (may still be, not sure).

I had a coworker do something similar, he was a weird little shit. Apparently he was engaged to another woman, so not sure why the stalking, but if I was her, I wouldn't be tolerating my husband obsessing over another woman like that. I'm not sure how he found me online on different boards despite having different usernames, even if I joined that day. I'm sure he had some sort of spyware, but I could never find it. So if it was, it's still on my computer.

I'm not particularly concerned. If he ever brought anything up, I could just say he was lying and spreading rumors. It's not like he could prove it's me anyway unless he revealed how he did it. :)

If you are involved with dodgy people, then putting things on the public internet is not a good idea.

Beavie that's exactly how I feel. DP spoke to one of his friends about me and I am now worried that his friend will judge me before he has even met me based on DPs biased side of a story.
DP has spent past couple of days apologising. It was difficult, he packed and left but then came back, we talked. I explained how he had broken my trust, more so with lying being his knew jerk reaction. He understands that it will take a long time to rebuild but hopefully we can move on. Only time will tell if he's a repeat offender.

I thought my XP was a creepy stalker but waw I am shocked at some of the lengths peoples XP/H have gone to.

Christ it's just the tip of the iceberg for me I'm afraid! 19th court hearing starting on Thursday and I'm wondering what tripe he's going to pull out of the bag this time :/

I have to be careful about what I post on here now. There's been times when I have desperately wanted to ask for parenting advice and support, as I'm a single mum too, but I daren't in case he somehow twists it and brings it up in court :(

Oh Beavie that's awful. Luckily my XP turned his weird obsession from me to the courts. After about 6 court hearings, and the judge telling him he was being ridiculous, again. He turned his energies from stalking me to writing letters to the court etc about how he was treated.

"Sharing anonymously with details changed... world of difference."

I do think people are a bit overconfident about this. MN, a group of strangers running a commercial website, have a vast and growing database filled with people's real identities alongside swathes of personal information, including all sorts of stuff written about other people that those people would not want available in permanent written form on the internet (and which might well be libellous).

Putting aside how trustworthy MN are, if banks and governments can't keep their data secret why should anyone think MN can? Putting info on here is like playing Russian Roulette with other people's lives, you just have to cross your fingers and hope it doesn't go tits up!

I would be very inclined to end it. I realise you have talked, etc. and decided to give it another shot.

He found your username and at that point he had a choice (1) to ask you if you wanted to share your posts. Instead of asking, he (2) googled and (3) read everything. Then he (4) talked to his friend about the incident and gave his side of what has happened.

All questions aside of whether the internet is a private place or not, he had choices to respect your privacy and decided not to, four times. Then he lied about doing this.

He seems not to understand that there is a point where he ends and other people begin. A major boundary problem in other words.

' he's quite put out that I told people private things' -- this would come under the category of unacceptable responses to your hurt.
'But I'm too cross he invaded my privacy and think as it's not RL then it's not the same as mentioning private things to a close friend, am I wrong?'
I am assuming you have argued about this point? He has a lot of neck if so. Shameless is the word, actually..

I think you are right to consider it controlling. You have an online support system. You have a right to use it for whatever purposes you want. How comfortable do you feel about using internet support now?

I think it's worth noting that abusers seek to isolate victims from friends, family, support.

I would not give him another chance.

Bluegrass - it may sound like I'm flip-flopping but I agree with your general point. I try to keep in mind that anything I write here could be one day linked to my name and put in the public domain. So basically I try to be nice and if I'm writing about anyone I change what I can and keep everything as vague as possible.

But I think if you're trying to help people from personal experience - ie if I post in pregnancy, breast feeding, infertility etc, I am bound to use some personal details of mine, which may occasionally relate to immediate family eg husband/DS. If a partner of mine came across a post that's fine. If they purposely sought out everything I'd written I'd be annoyed. If I'd made a mistake and made them identifiable in a post fair enough. But I think generally it's like reading a diary - if you do it you have to accept you may not like everything you find.

mathanxiety I cant believe your post that you would throw someone out because they have read some threads on an open forum that you have written.

for me I would be absolutely fucking livid if a partner of mine took to an open internet site and posted intimate details of our relationship asking a bunch of strangers for advice. there would be 2 reasons I would be livid.

1. our relationship is private - I DO NOT expect my partner to share intimate details with 1000s of strangers - small talk is fine - intimate details absolutely NOT.
2. I DO NOT expect strangers to have an input into our relationship when they don't know the full story.

If I found any partner of mine doing that their feet wouldn't touch the ground when leaving.