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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP read my MN, gutted

114 replies

AtSea1979 · 13/07/2014 21:20

Just that really.
He's been acting lovely for past few days and I found out he'd read my thread about him.
I am gutted and even feel like ending it. This is my safe place. This is where I come and nowhere knows me in RL and I can say whatever I want/need to say.
As a single parent this has been my life line over the years. The place I came to cry. The place I came to laugh.
Feel sad now.

OP posts:
echt · 14/07/2014 08:56

MNHQ don't help here. I reported a poster recently and MNHQ sent back a message using my user name, instead of my RL name.DH and I share a computer, I wipe my history/do private browsing. Busted.

As bad as PomsinOz who email you every time someone responds to a thread you've posted on. using your nickname. Twats.

Please sort this out, MNHQ.

Bouttimeforwine · 14/07/2014 09:02

I think trust is the most important factor in a relationship.

It is the same as reading a diary imo.

I'm not sure I could get over this.

Look at the rest of your relationship for other red flags. Is he putting pressure on you or controlling you, in other areas? If the answer is yes then, maybe the only option is to end it.

Bouttimeforwine · 14/07/2014 09:03

Just because you can read it on the internet, doesn't mean you should.
Same as reading a diary.

LongTimeLurking · 14/07/2014 09:05

It is not the same as reading a Diary. A diary is a private thing... posting on discussion forums is automatically open for billions of people worldwide to read, it is not private by any stretch of the imagination and you cannot reasonably dictate who can read what you write.

syne · 14/07/2014 09:06

apologies, re-reading my post it's rather harsh. (pre coffee excuses ahoy)

I can't speak for your relationship, as only you'll know if his reasons are genuine and if his motivations are morbid curiosity, concern, controlling or otherwise. and as such will be able to determine if it's a reasonable thing for him to do or not.

But, that is distinct to your relationship and in a way determines if trawling your mumsnet identity is acceptable or not for you.
imo what you put on the internet is up for dissection and I suppose it begs the question of would he read your texts, your emails or your diary?

LongTimeLurking · 14/07/2014 09:07

If OP had a rare medical condition then DP, friend or family could easily google the condition name and accidentally stumble across a MN post where the condition is mentioned - put 2+2 together and realise who the poster is.

It is the same as people who post offensive crap on twitter or facebook with no privacy settings and then get upset when potential employers or the media get hold of it.

Bouttimeforwine · 14/07/2014 09:07

As I said, just because you can, doesn't mean you should.
Gross invasion of privacy by a partner. At the very least he should have said
"I've found you on mn, is it ok for me to read it?"

ExcuseTypos · 14/07/2014 09:12

Of course it isn't private but the OP has taken steps to not be identified by not using her real name.

Her partner must have had to do some digging to search for her posts etc, that's what I couldn't forgive- he made an active decision to read her thoughts. It's the same as reading your emails, private letters or phone messages. It's a rather creepy and nasty thing to do IMO.

syne · 14/07/2014 09:14

" trouble is I actually really liked him but I wouldn't have a clue how to sort this out."

There is a positive to be taken from it , in that he found out things and responded in his actions. Was he actually lovely or just playing at being lovely? do you think if you had told him what he found out it'd have the same effect? and could you be as open and as frank with him as you have been on mumsnet, with all the pros and cons that brings with it?

LongTimeLurking · 14/07/2014 09:17

ExcuseTypos
" must have had to do some digging "

Not necessarily. OK it is unlikely but it can happen to stumble across someone you know IRL online.

I do not see how posting on the internet is the same thing as email/txt/letters as they are communication methods between two people online. Posting on the internet is automatically open for anyone to read, as I said you cannot dictate who is allowed to read what you post.

ExcuseTypos · 14/07/2014 09:22

No you can't dictate who reads it online BUT you assume people don't know who you are.

If your partner finds out your name and then goes looking for your posts THAT is an invasion of privacy.

Thumbwitch · 14/07/2014 09:23

Hmmmm. I think that he went snooping is enough reason to be pissed off.
DH knows my MN name, I leave my laptop open all the time, but afaik he has never snooped.

If he does, he might get a bit of a shock, depending on how far he goes! Most of the time I don't talk about him, but sometimes I do and it's not always complimentary! But it would serve him right to find out that way, I don't say anything on here about him that I don't say to his face, but he might find out a little more about my feelings re. his mother than I'd probably be happy about!

ExcuseTypos · 14/07/2014 09:24

And if someone has posted so much identifying information that you do recognise them in RL (I think many people do that on MN, posting photos and lots of identifying info) then I have no sympathy for them.

If you have tried to be unidentifiable then I do have sympathy when some nosey bastard starts searching out your posts.

LongTimeLurking · 14/07/2014 09:25

ExcuseTypos
"BUT you assume people don't know who you are. "

I think this is the mistake. Unless you are going to very significant lengths to hide your identity you can never assume people don't know or can't find out who you are.

DrJuno · 14/07/2014 09:28

Your mn posts are protected by a username and therefore anonymity.

Would you tell him your username? Do you tell family and friends your mn username?

If not then it works in exactly the same way as a password - breach of that anonymity is the same as using a private password and is unacceptable.

ExcuseTypos · 14/07/2014 09:29

Well if you don't post lots of identifiable info, how can they know who you are unless they start snooping? If they start snooping then they are in the wrong and you have grounds to be pissed off.

Say you left some private papers on your kitchen work top all laid out- then of course if your DH comes into the kitchen and starts reading them, then you really can't blame him.

If you've put those papers in a locked cabinet and he had to go and actively find the key, open the cupboard, get the papers out and start reading them, then that's a whole different scenario.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 14/07/2014 09:30

I didn't post anything identifiable, he found my user name and knew I used mumsnet so googled it and bingo page upon page of my threads, about ex and his DV, about DP and I dating and recently about medical stuff. Not rare condition no.
Syne I don't know if he was actually being lovely or playing at it now. I know things were better after he read it but the sudden turn around alerted me to think he'd read it, I asked him and he looked me in the eye and lied, over and over, until I pressed him and he finally fessed up.
I'm quite an open, honest person. There isn't much in there I wouldn't say to him if only he's asked me rather than snooping. Obviously I would have been more diplomatic to him than my threads came across.
DP is quite put out that I was discussing personal stuff but wasn't angry as such.

OP posts:
impatienceisavirtue · 14/07/2014 09:30

DH knows my username...
but I trust him not to invade my privacy and go snooping on somewhere I've written things anonymously behind my back. I'd be horrified.

Bouttimeforwine · 14/07/2014 09:31

I think this is the mistake. Unless you are going to very significant lengths to hide your identity you can never assume people don't know or can't find out who you are.

But this is also true of reading a diary. You can hide it, but if someone purposely digs around to find it, then is it ok to read it? You can never assume it is unfindable. Of course its not ok to dig around for a diary just as it's not ok to dig around for private posts on an internet. If she wanted him to read it she would have shown him.

Bouttimeforwine · 14/07/2014 09:37

The fact he lied means he knows it was wrong to snoop.

The fact he is willing to lie to you about this means he will be capable of lying to you about other things. Red flag.

PopcornFrenzy · 14/07/2014 10:01

An ex bf read my threads once, I didn't tell him my user name s I he must have read it over my shoulder, this is one of the reasons he's an ex.

Massive invasion and he used my posts in arguements when I was ending it, he didn't even acknowledge he'd done wrong.

DrJuno · 14/07/2014 10:15

Oh the lying is a massive nono

CatThiefKeith · 14/07/2014 10:18

I think Dh knows my username - it's not a secret. It really wouldn't bother me if he read my posts tbh, I don't put anything on here that I wouldn't say to him in rl.

Having said that, I can't imagine he'd ever bother to look.

Is this a fairly new relationship op?

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 14/07/2014 10:28

Yes not been together long but I actually thought we had something good.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 14/07/2014 11:35

Oh sorry, if he lied about it as well then don't waste any more time.
I can't be doing with liars.

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