Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP read my MN, gutted

114 replies

AtSea1979 · 13/07/2014 21:20

Just that really.
He's been acting lovely for past few days and I found out he'd read my thread about him.
I am gutted and even feel like ending it. This is my safe place. This is where I come and nowhere knows me in RL and I can say whatever I want/need to say.
As a single parent this has been my life line over the years. The place I came to cry. The place I came to laugh.
Feel sad now.

OP posts:
MeadowHeartshimmertheFairy · 14/07/2014 12:05

XH did this and is now the reason I name regularly change to random nonsense names!

It was vile, he used to throw things back at me when we were getting divorced. Made me feel as if there was nowhere I could turn. I have difficulties talking to people in real life. 10 years of an EA relationship made me feel sick if I tried to talk to people about XH or how I was feeling. Mumsnet was my safe place. And I agree that deliberately choosing to be anonymous makes it obvious it's private.

It felt like he was stalking me and was getting inside my head, that there was nothing I could think or say without him knowing about it. That was exactly how he wanted me to feel.

I keep everything I'm on locked on the tightest security settings and name change, while at the same time resenting the reason I'm doing it.

This would be a complete deal-breaker for me know. Going behind my back to read MN, is purposely invading my private thoughts and would mean a person is not the type I could be in a relationship with.

MeadowHeartshimmertheFairy · 14/07/2014 12:06

'now' not 'know'

Bother

latebreakfast · 14/07/2014 12:07

Are you really saying that if your DH posted on some internet forum about him, you and your life together and you found out about it by accident, that you wouldn't go and read the thread? And see what else he'd posted about you?

I know that I would... Blush

HavantGuard · 14/07/2014 12:18

If it was on a dating site maybe but otherwise no. It's like reading a diary.

ghostsinsnow · 14/07/2014 12:24

Mine did this too, the first I knew of it was when he threw something off posted in my face during an argument. I was stunned and felt violated by him.
Hq were brill, they changed all my previous posts to a new NN and I then changed my name. The only way he could have done it was to have been in my laptop in a morning before he goes to work. I swiftly password protected that.

I have nothing to hide but his snooping good beyond the realms of acceptable to me.
(Changed name for this as well, just to be certain)

NewNameForSpring · 14/07/2014 12:33

How did he find out your username?

Thing is, he didn't chance upon your posts and be tempted. He did it on purpose. I think that is bloody awful and I think you would find it very difficult to trust him ever again.

Are there any othere issues in the relationship that make you not too surprised by his actions, when you think about it?

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 14/07/2014 12:35

My stbx used to know my MN name. Not sure if he does now or not. A bit of digging around would probably make it easy for him to find it, but I don't care at this point. If he wants to read my posts on the domestic abuse support thread, I suppose he'll just see his dreadful behaviour spelled out. I could change my MN name regularly (and have previously), but at this point I'm not bothered. If he really has the need to follow me around on MN like some sad ridiculous specimen, then I guess that's his problem.

soulrebel63 · 14/07/2014 12:35

It's a PUBLIC forum, get over it

TalisaMaegyr · 14/07/2014 12:40

If that's the case soul, why don't you use your real name instead of a username? Hmm

NotNewButNameChanged · 14/07/2014 12:41

This is always going to be an issue on, what is, a public forum I'm afraid. And you can't legislate for it.

I understand there is a difference between someone actively seeking out your postings, but similarly, someone could come on here totally independently, happen to read a thread and the details are such that they realise it is their partner talking about them.

Nomama · 14/07/2014 12:45

Or...

... you are ill, he looked, he read some not so nice things about himself, maybe some things about you and your past relationships and made an effort to be nicer/more understanding to you based on what he had read. He didn't take offence at anything you wrote about him, was just a bit miffed at some of the more private stuff.

And you now doubt his intentions. Because a) he looked b) he lied when asked c) you are embarrassed.

a) yep, he looked. But he didn't use what he found against you
b) he lied, well you were obviously unhappy with the idea, so he started that white lie that keeps on growing
c) that's a consequence of using public forums to think things through.

Maybe you could laugh, cry and talk things through with him? After all, he knows the worst already, and he hasn't run a mile, has he?

FatalCabbage · 14/07/2014 12:50

IF

If I read something on MN that sounds familiar, I might advanced search the poster to see if other things match. Usually there is something immediately obviously not them (eg an lder ssibling mwntiFUCKING PHONE an older sibling mentioned that doesn't fit the family shape, or they say they live in France, or that they're originally from the US) at which point I stop.

And if I find that o I do know them, I use am an old identifying nn to pm them to say hello.

If I had that situation and the person was also saying they we're unhappy, WERE UNHAPPY twatphone again then I'm not sure what I'd do. A RL friend has only shared online something that happened to her daughter. She knows I know, but there's a Chinese wall between what o I "know" IRL and what I know as her online friend.

DH knows my current nn and I often read out clever or witty things I've posted. But if he searched me I'd be very annoyed. I have his email password but I don't read hos his email. It's just a courtesy.

notapizzaeater · 14/07/2014 12:50

As atsea that's awful, you can't leave the third as you are getting support there.

Right now you need to take care of yourself. X

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 14/07/2014 12:51

If you've not been together long, I think it's pretty inexcusable. And the lying puts the tin lid on it really.

You've seen what he's made of I guess!

If your instinct is to think you won't get past it - for WHATEVER reason - then in a fairly new relationship I'd say end it. Trust your instincts, and remember that you have the right not to be ok with what he's done.

Spottybra · 14/07/2014 13:00

It's a public forum. That said, I would say never post anything too private or too personal, and certainly don't say anything about people you love that you wouldn't say to their face.

DH accidentally read a text message to a friend and was incredibly hurt by an in joke my friend and I use. I had to explain, from the beginning, how the joke arose and why we used it and it wasn't even about our DP's at all.

HopefulHamster · 14/07/2014 13:09

He sounds like a dick.

Yes it's a public space but the OP is posting anonymously. He sought out the thread about illness - you might be able to justify that - but it's wrong to go searching through everything she's ever posted and then use it against her. It would be bad enough if he'd done it, realised he shouldn't have, then apologised and/or not mentioned it!

I name change every year or so, but even under this name I know I've posted things about DH (mostly jokey stuff like how we're playing competitive tiredness now I'm pregnant) that if he read in isolation he might not like. If you never post anything remotely personal it's hard to engage on some threads.

peggyundercrackers · 14/07/2014 13:46

YABU

this is the internet where 100s/1000s of people come every day - its not private, you think you are anonymous but people post lots of little details about themselves on here all the time and if you know someone well you recognise people. people tend to use the same username on here as other forums they may use - again if someone wants to look through information in the public domain snoop like googling usernames it wouldn't be too hard to find out who they are. 95% of the population isn't internet savvy.

reading pages here is not like reading a diary - a diary isn't published on an open non protected medium. just because you have a username here doesn't protect you or your identity - you are wrong to assume that.

you shouldn't write down what you wouldn't say to him in RL. what he did is not an invasion of privacy - you published your postings openly and freely for anyone and everyone to read.

Beavie · 14/07/2014 14:00

It is bloody horrible. My dd's father turned up in court with 19 pages of a very personal thread about a really traumatic time for me printed out, he had hacked my computer remotely to get this. It was brought into the court proceedings and fuck knows how many solicitors, barristers, social workers, admin staff etc etc read it, knowing that it was me.

So I name changed and have had the username ever since, and when I split up with my most recent dp a few months ago he did a search for my mn username and read all my threads, a lot of which were relating to him. I don't care about that so much as in every thread people unanimously agreed with me that he was being a dick (because you are all bitter and twisted btw). I'm sure he's still checking up on me now .

Should name change again really but I don't really want to. I like being Beavie, it's nice when people remember you from a previous thread.

HopefulHamster · 14/07/2014 14:06

I would caution anyone to remember that posts are public and can be discovered by anyone, but I still think it's a total dick move to specifically search out all of a user's threads and dig through their history.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 14/07/2014 14:12

I don't know...
I would struggle not to read it tbh. I don't think dh has but if he did he'd probably say "why did you say that?" Etcetc.

wobblyweebles · 14/07/2014 14:36

You posted private stuff about your relationship with him - of course he read it.

Nomama · 14/07/2014 15:05

Hopeful - from what OP has said he did NOT use whatever he read against her - he was just annoyed about some of the sex bits. That serves him right for having read it.

But I do think, if he is not otherwise an idiot, OPs portrayal of him might allow that he is a decent bloke who, in trying to do the right thing did the wrong thing and now, through her own past experiences, embarrassment etc she can't deal with it.

HillyHolbrook · 14/07/2014 15:21

Don't have time to RTFT but do remember you need to have an account to advance search someone, which means he's gone out of his way to open an account to snoop on you, OP. If he had just 'stumbled across' your threads then that'd be more fool you for being so easily identifiable, but to then go on and dig for more is just wrong! It's like finding someone's diary left open and reading through the rest of it instead of closing it and walking away.

settingsitting · 14/07/2014 15:28

echt, if you think that there are mumsnet issues, start a thread. In site stuff.

Thumbwitch · 14/07/2014 15:28

Beavie - did it not go against him that he'd had to hack your computer to get that? Or did they just not give a shit about that bit of illegal activity?!