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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit concerned about this set up?

132 replies

popmimiboo · 13/07/2014 19:52

Ok, none of my business how people chose to live but I would like a mumsnet viewpoint on this as I find it strange...

DD1 has a school friend who is 13 and her younger sister has become friends with DD2 through a club. The girls' mum seems nice enough and the "dad" who picks the little one up most times is v chatty and friendly. They are always together at social events and seem like a nice couple.

DD1 was invited to sleepover and asked friend why she had twin beds in her room as her sister is in another room (also with twin beds.) Friend replied that her godfather sleeps there as he lives with them.
Later, DD1 saw a man she didn't know in the kitchen and asked her friend who it was. Friend replied that it was her dad. The man who is always with the mum and v much involved in the girls' lives is actually the godfather. He sleeps in the 13 year old's room. He is not related to them but "mum's friend."

The dad sleeps in the parents room and the mum sleeps on a sofa bed on the landing. The night of the sleepover, DD woke up to find that her friend had gone to sleep with her mum.

AIBU and horribly judgy to find this a little unusual and not right? Is it ok for a 13 year old girl to share her room with a middle aged man?

Not to drip feed, the mum, dad and godfather all contacted DD2 by imessage today -no particular reason, nothing sinister but I am uneasy about the whole set up.

Feel free to flame me if I'm being stupid!!

OP posts:
bellarations · 13/07/2014 21:52

Completely agree with above poster.
Never allowed it, eldest is 16.
You just don't know people enough from meeting them at the school gates.
This set up is seriously wrong.
I do think the girls are "at risk".
Including the children she child minds for.
You owe it to all the children involved to at least mention it to ss.
It will hopefully be nothing more than just "weird" but no way would I sleep easy knowing what you know and ignore it.

bellarations · 13/07/2014 21:53

Sorry - "it" meant to say sleepover !

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 13/07/2014 21:54

It all sounds very odd. I think a call to social services, school or the nspcc would be wise - not for your daughters' sake but for theirs.

ViviPru · 13/07/2014 21:58

How WEIRD Shock

RabbitSaysWoof · 13/07/2014 22:06

That's really fucked up.

FairPhyllis · 13/07/2014 22:19

Why on earth wouldn't you report? At the very least the two girls are in a situation where poor personal boundaries (the bedroom arrangements) are putting them at risk now and in the future. That has nothing to do with judgement about their parents' relationships - if the adults wanted they should be perfectly capable of not making young girls sleep in the same room as an adult man.

Just call the NSPCC, describe the situation and let them be the judge of it. Keeping your own children away but not reporting concerns about others is what give abuse an opportunity.

ithoughtofitfirst · 13/07/2014 22:20

Absolutely pml at 'that's really fucked up'

It is really worrying. I read it out loud DH. His response? "Whaaaaaa?"

He's a man of few words.

EmmaLL25 · 13/07/2014 22:25

I am aware through my work of a young man who was sharing a room with his mother into his teens. This was just part of sexual abuse he was experiencing - mainly due to blurred boundaries on this mother's part. This abuse was never explicit, but more about exposure and physical contact that was inappropriate for his age (like shared bathing).

Anyway he went onto to have lots of difficulties and own problems with appropriate boundaries in relationships. He wished someone had known what was happening so he could have received help sooner.

13 year olds need their own space and privacy. Maybe we're all being suspicious/cynical but it doesn't sit right with anyone.

Anytime child abide cases are uncovered we found out lots of people knew lots of little things but the jigsaw was never put together.

If there's nothing sinister going on it'll go no further than a social work visit/check.

OP what do you have to lose by reporting?

Loopylala7 · 13/07/2014 22:27

I have to say I find this incredibly weird and am actually quite disturbed by this behaviour. Are you able to talk to one of her teachers to explain your concern? I don't think I could let that pass and I wouldn't let DD stay there again if I was you.

Original poster
popmimiboo · 13/07/2014 22:32

DD1 insists that this is fine and her friend would rather share with this man than her annoying little sister. She said they watch TV in the evening as she has a big TV in her room.
I asked her how she'd feel if her uncle came to live with us and we said he could share her room and she argued that her friend's godfather has lived there for ages so it's not the same Hmm

OP posts:
AnyoneForTennis · 13/07/2014 22:34

We don't do sleepovers either... Posters think I'm paranoid on the smoking in the house thread

I said you don't know what goes on.... Look at the Rolf Harris incidents. Smoking with other kids in your home on a sleepover is nothing compared to the randoms your dc can end up asleep amongst

EmmaLL25 · 13/07/2014 22:36

I don't think it matters if the girls says its fine. She may not have any idea of what is ok/not ok if she's grown up with it or been groomed.

hippo123 · 13/07/2014 22:37

Please phone the nspcc op. Let them decide if it's weird, not yourself or your dd. abuse isn't weird when you grow up with it, it's normal. Doesn't make it right. You really aren't in the position to do nothing, you have a duty to voice your concerns. You can ring them now.

MarthasHarbour · 13/07/2014 22:39

I think you have missed the point OP - Regarding your last post:

The 'menage a trois' is not the issue worth reporting, that is nobody's business. But you have said 'I don't think a 13 should be sharing a room with a middle aged man. However, this girl seems ok about it. DD1 was not at all bothered about the situation.'

That is the issue worth reporting - and how do you or your DD really know that the other DD seems ok about it.

This has seriously given me the creeps. I used to know a family where the 13 yo DD was abused by her uncle over 5 yrs. He used to stay over after babysitting Sad I used to see her all the time at family parties, she was quiet but you would never guess this was going on - until we all found out.

I also had a friend at school who was shagging the lodger when she was 14. He was 32. Her parents thought it was sweet as he was a family friend Hmm

Sorry to derail, but both examples i have given are of abuse. One was definitely ok about it but the other one wasnt.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 13/07/2014 22:43

You absoloutley have to report this.

An unrelated man shares a room with a teenager whilst the teenagers own mother sleeps on a sofabed elsewhere.

Its all sorts of wrong. Or it could be.

Original poster
popmimiboo · 13/07/2014 22:43

Ok, I'm not in the UK and so not sure exactly what channels to go through but all the responses have convinced me, despite DD1's certitude that her friend is ok, that my gut instinct could be right.
I know someone who works in child protection so I'll have a chat with her and if she finds it worrying, she'll be able to point me in the right direction I imagine.

I think there is a good chance it's just strange but innocent but they are really nice kids and I'd hate to think I'd let them down if things do turn out to be dodgy.

I mean, like others have pointed out, she could share with her sister, her mum could sleep in her spare bed and the bloke on the sofa bed. It is strange.

OP posts:
hippo123 · 13/07/2014 22:46

Please make sure you do, or find a similar helpline to the nspcc in the country your in.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 13/07/2014 22:49

I think that you need to think about what you've written.

This is not ok for the children in that family and it's quite upsetting to think you'll protect your own child from it but not the other children. I know that seems a harsh thing to say, its late and im being more blunt than usual, but I am genuinely having trouble getting my head around it.

Why say no sleepovers there for your child if you're comfortable with it? And why not tell someone else about it if you're not comfortable with it?

If you don't want to report to ss, mention it to the school, or phone nspcc.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 13/07/2014 22:50

Oh good. Cross posts

littlejohnnydory · 13/07/2014 22:54

Glad you are going to chat with your child protection friend, OP - this really doesn't sit right with me, and dh thinks it's very, very odd for a grown man to be comfortable being asked to share with a teenage girl. Perhaps the girl hasn't questioned it because she knows no different but in my opinion there doesn't have to be physical contact for boundaries to be violated and damage to be done.

bellarations · 13/07/2014 22:55

Imagine what a witch you will feel if it ever turns out that something did/has/is happening.
Abused children DO NOT make their unhappiness known easily. Of course the girl will tell your dd she is fine.
Do not ignore this.

Fav · 13/07/2014 23:16

My gut reaction in this is that for the 13 yr old sharing a room, surely there has been grooming going in to get to this point!
Surely the vast majority of 13 yr old girls would rather not share with anyone, let alone a middle aged man.
For her to be ok with this is ringing alarm bells.

You can make sure your dd never sleeps over again, you can block these people from messaging her, but for the other girls' sakes, you must report this.

NatashaBee · 13/07/2014 23:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

overthemill · 14/07/2014 00:00

Children who are being groomed often think that the situation is normal. It is not normal for an adult make to sleep in the same room as a 13 year old girl . It is WRONG on so many levels and even worse is the fact that you think it's probably ok because the girl 'seems ok with it'. You have to do something. Adults HAVE to speak out on behalf of children who are unable to do so - children have no power. So, whatever country you are in this must be possible - REPORT IT NOW. If we are all wrong, great. If we are all right, you will have prevented child abuse.

Happy36 · 14/07/2014 01:26

Sounds very strange.

Best to have the other girl(s) sleep over at your house in future or just day time play dates or play dates outside of their house.