Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit concerned about this set up?

132 replies

popmimiboo · 13/07/2014 19:52

Ok, none of my business how people chose to live but I would like a mumsnet viewpoint on this as I find it strange...

DD1 has a school friend who is 13 and her younger sister has become friends with DD2 through a club. The girls' mum seems nice enough and the "dad" who picks the little one up most times is v chatty and friendly. They are always together at social events and seem like a nice couple.

DD1 was invited to sleepover and asked friend why she had twin beds in her room as her sister is in another room (also with twin beds.) Friend replied that her godfather sleeps there as he lives with them.
Later, DD1 saw a man she didn't know in the kitchen and asked her friend who it was. Friend replied that it was her dad. The man who is always with the mum and v much involved in the girls' lives is actually the godfather. He sleeps in the 13 year old's room. He is not related to them but "mum's friend."

The dad sleeps in the parents room and the mum sleeps on a sofa bed on the landing. The night of the sleepover, DD woke up to find that her friend had gone to sleep with her mum.

AIBU and horribly judgy to find this a little unusual and not right? Is it ok for a 13 year old girl to share her room with a middle aged man?

Not to drip feed, the mum, dad and godfather all contacted DD2 by imessage today -no particular reason, nothing sinister but I am uneasy about the whole set up.

Feel free to flame me if I'm being stupid!!

OP posts:
greeneggsandjam · 13/07/2014 20:30

ithoughtofitfirst. why are you having doubts about your friends and checking him into a b&b? Its a shame that strange people and their strange set ups spoil things for those with no odd things going on! If you have no reason to believe he would be up to something I would be happy to continue.

Itsfab · 13/07/2014 20:31

I wonder if the messages are a way of testing the water to see if your daughter will reply and still be friends or whether she has been unsettled and told you and you will be not happy.

You need to talk it over with someone professional as it is then their call as to whether this needs investigating or not.

FWIW I agree with everyone else. It is not acceptable in any form to put a grown man in with a 13 year old and the messages all seem off too. Grown ups messaging a child about loom bands when the child already has? Hmm

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 13/07/2014 20:34

The parents can have an alternative lifestyle without putting their DDs or DDs' friends at risk. I'm not sure how I would address it though.

Marcipex · 13/07/2014 20:34

Good point itsfab, they are testing the water.

Itsfab · 13/07/2014 20:35

LEM being open doesn't make it more likely not to be sinister.

Hiding in plain sight..

ScouseBird8364 · 13/07/2014 20:36

Just read the OP, fuckinghell I'm confused Hmm Confused Grin

Whereisegg · 13/07/2014 20:36

Reading this has made me feel a bit icky.

The messages are definitely testing the water.

ithoughtofitfirst · 13/07/2014 20:40

greeneggs I don't know I'm probably just pre tetching but this thread makes me second guess our occasional set up. Their set up is more in your face alarm bells ringing dodgy admittedly! But I think what if something happened to ds in his own home. Blergh.

pissedglitter · 13/07/2014 20:41

Very weird

lettertoherms · 13/07/2014 20:48

Call social services. Seriously. This is all kinds of wrong.

Whatever relationship the adults might have with each other is not so much an issue - but there is no way a grown man should be in a young girl's room. There was a thread the other day about SS checking out a family because the four year old didn't have bedding on their bed due to cosleeping, and that was nothing, this here is a serious issue.

Is your daughter also 13 or a bit younger? Don't let them contact her. No reason three adults should, however "innocent" the messages may be at the start. They always are.

FairPhyllis · 13/07/2014 20:50

My guess would be that the adults have some sort of poly set-up. Fine, whatever.

The thing with the beds is weird and definitely not appropriate. Neither girl should be sharing with an adult man.

All three of the adults independently messaging your DD, including one she's only just met = fairly unsubtle boundary testing.

YouTheCat · 13/07/2014 20:51

No way should a grown man be sleeping in a 13 year old's bedroom - related or not.

No way should 3 adults be contacting your younger dd about loom bands - I mean wtf?!

So many levels of wrong.

Mumof3xox · 13/07/2014 20:54

I would report this also

IorekByrnisonsArmour · 13/07/2014 20:56

I'm glad this (re texts) has come up. DD (11) has a friend whose DF regularly texts another friend.(also 11)

Now I think this is bizarre, as does DH.

Is it? Why would a 41yr old man be in mobile contact with an 11 yr old girl? Confused

Why not go through her DM?

frames · 13/07/2014 20:59

Hello. If you are that concerned telephone the mother and explain what your dd has told you, you chose to allow your dd to go and sleep at the home of these people. I would do this before reporting. Who knows what your dd has actually told them about you...which could be why they are all so concerned, and sending her messages. Don't allow your dd to stay over in households where you are unsure of arrangements beforehand. We had a sleepover recently, dd and her friend in separate beds in DDS room, dd came to my bed in middle of night as her friend was snoring sooooo loudly.

ithoughtofitfirst · 13/07/2014 21:02

Are they the kind of people you can just be up front with? And just say while you have this arrangement my dd can't stay with you kind of thing. And then you're not really judging them youre just making a decision (even though it's WRONG and icky) bade on the evidence you have. And if they get offended that's their issue to deal with.

Original poster
popmimiboo · 13/07/2014 21:22

DD1 who slept over is 12.
DD2 who had messages from them is 8. The younger sister has an iphone and ipad and imessages DD2 on her ipad mini all the time. I get all of DD2's messages on my iphone too. Today little friend sent a picture of a loom bracelet and DD2 said it was nice. Then she got an unknown number commenting on it too. She asked who it was and it replied that it was the mum. A bit later another unknown number asked if Mia was into loom bands too. Then after dinner little friend sent a photo of our house and the third unknown number comented that they'd been out to a restaurant in our village.
Innocent explanation is that friend had sent pictures to several contacts rather than them seeking out DD2 personally.

But, as I type this I'm getting freaked out as neither friend has actually ever been to our house so how the heck did she know exactly where we live. And, we are on a main road but they must have slowed right down to take the photo...

Of course I didn't just drop DD1 off for a sleepover though (as pp insinuated.) I have chatted to the mum and godfather several times and know both girls. They are lovely kids and, I thought, a nice couple! Just had no idea that this man was godfather not dad and that there was a real dad there too. And certainly no idea about the sleeping arrangements.

The mum is a child minder so I would presume she has had all relevant checks (presuming she is registered.)

OP posts:
Original poster
popmimiboo · 13/07/2014 21:31

I'm not planning on reporting them at all. I don't care about the whole menage a trois business but I don't think a 13 should be sharing a room with a middle aged man.
However, this girl seems ok about it. DD1 was not at all bothered about the situation.

So no reporting but I won't be agreeing to any more sleepovers or playdates there and will send a text to explain that DD2 is not allowed to communicate with unknown numbers and that I'd rather limit her contacts to her own friends only.

OP posts:
HippyPottyMouth · 13/07/2014 21:33

Did you know you've put your daughter's name in your recent post? Ask MN to edit if it's a mistake.

quietbatperson · 13/07/2014 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

guitarosauras · 13/07/2014 21:38

8 year olds with ipads and iphones is beyond me!

Phot of your house?? How do they know where you live and why take a pic?

Ask them!

drivingmisspotty · 13/07/2014 21:42

If it's not worrying enough to report, why is it worrying enough to stop all playdates and sleepovers? What if their DD could really do with being protected from this situation too but the adults in her life aren't doing it? Even if no physical abuse is going on, as others have said this blurs boundaries and means friend has little privacy. I think I would be reporting!

PeppermintInfusion · 13/07/2014 21:43

Depending on your settings, the location a iMessage or FB message is sent from can be found out so they may have got it that way or it may have come about in normal conversation- they said they were going to the restaurant, your dd said that's in your village etc maybe her house is no xx with the red door at the bus stop kind of thing.

The sleeping arrangements sound very odd, there is maybe some complex explanation, but either try to casually find out more next time you see the DM/GF or tell someone.

TheSydenhamSet · 13/07/2014 21:46

No way would I allow my children on sleepovers full stop. You just do not know what goes on in other peoples houses and they are vulnerable to awful situations that, once they've happened, can't be undone

hippo123 · 13/07/2014 21:51

Would you phone the nspcc helpline? They are open 24 hours a day 7 days a week and the adult one is for people who are concerned about a child. They will listen, support and advise you. I had to ring them recently and they really were very good.