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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit concerned about this set up?

132 replies

popmimiboo · 13/07/2014 19:52

Ok, none of my business how people chose to live but I would like a mumsnet viewpoint on this as I find it strange...

DD1 has a school friend who is 13 and her younger sister has become friends with DD2 through a club. The girls' mum seems nice enough and the "dad" who picks the little one up most times is v chatty and friendly. They are always together at social events and seem like a nice couple.

DD1 was invited to sleepover and asked friend why she had twin beds in her room as her sister is in another room (also with twin beds.) Friend replied that her godfather sleeps there as he lives with them.
Later, DD1 saw a man she didn't know in the kitchen and asked her friend who it was. Friend replied that it was her dad. The man who is always with the mum and v much involved in the girls' lives is actually the godfather. He sleeps in the 13 year old's room. He is not related to them but "mum's friend."

The dad sleeps in the parents room and the mum sleeps on a sofa bed on the landing. The night of the sleepover, DD woke up to find that her friend had gone to sleep with her mum.

AIBU and horribly judgy to find this a little unusual and not right? Is it ok for a 13 year old girl to share her room with a middle aged man?

Not to drip feed, the mum, dad and godfather all contacted DD2 by imessage today -no particular reason, nothing sinister but I am uneasy about the whole set up.

Feel free to flame me if I'm being stupid!!

OP posts:
VioletHare · 13/07/2014 20:11

Also interested how old your dd2 is and what the messages say.

SagaNorensLeatherTrousers · 13/07/2014 20:11

Really weird. I also am wondering what the messages said?!

naturalbaby · 13/07/2014 20:12

Why aren't the girls sharing a room and why is the mum sleeping on the landing? Very, very strange.

JustTheRightBullets · 13/07/2014 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LuluJakey1 · 13/07/2014 20:12

It. makes me uncomfortable. Why did all 3 adults contact her today? That's odd too.

If someone has to share a room with the 13 yr old- why isn't it mum? Godfather should be on sofa bed.

Very odd.

ithoughtofitfirst · 13/07/2014 20:13

We have a friend like that who is in the army and comes to crash for weeks on end. But like fuck would he share a room with any of my children. Like a pp has said they have a right to privacy at any age. Plus I would never have someone else's daughter to stay while he's sofa surfing at ours. Because you never know.

YANBU.

PintOfWine · 13/07/2014 20:14

The adults all contacted your daughter separately, or it was a "hope you had a nice time" type of message? I'd ask the mom to please communicate through me in the future, or through her daughter. It is odd they contacted your child directly.

Personally, I'd go inside to meet parents before I'd let her sleep at strangers' (at least the adults are to you) next time.

greeneggsandjam · 13/07/2014 20:14

It makes no sense at all. The girls could share, the mum could have her now room, the godfather could be on the living room or share with the dad or whatever. Either way there is no need for such an odd set up. Or was it just a one off? Anyway, it all sounds fairly odd. Why is the godfather always collecting the children and not the dad, even though the dad lives with them? What were they all contacting your daughter for? Was it to say their daughter was trying to get in touch? Maybe she asked each of them to contact your daughter but they didn't realise the other adults had already done so.

If you contact SS wont the family figure out it was you? Do they have others over for sleepovers? Im thinking if they were doing something odd they wouldn't be having people over to sleep but who knows. I wouldn't be going back to their house either way and I would closely watch their behaviours from now on.

phantomnamechanger · 13/07/2014 20:14

if I were you I would be reinforcing messages to my DDs about who friends/trusted adults are etc

I would not want adults directly contacting my DC without my full knowledge and consent. That sets alarm bells ringing and could lead to boundaries being blurred about who is a "friend".

Maybe you could mention it to school about the DD sharing a room with a man?

ADishBestEatenCold · 13/07/2014 20:14

How old is the younger sister?

That is seriously weird. So the father is in one bedroom alone, the 13 year old girl shares a twin room with an unrelated grown man (actually it'd be just as weird if he were related), an even younger girl has a twin room to herself, and the mum sleeps on a sofa bed on the landing???????

What did they all text to your DD2? How old is your DD2?

Also (sorry for all the questions), when DD1 told you of this, how did she seem ... matter of fact ... confused ... uncomfortable, etc?

dancemom · 13/07/2014 20:14

Has dd2 ever met the actual father before? Why is he Imessaging her? Did they get her iMessage details from their dd? Did they message from their dd's iMessage or have they all added your dd2's iMessage details to their own phones??

guitarosauras · 13/07/2014 20:15

very curious!

Like others have said I can understand all living together but the sleeping arrangements are baffling!

I wonder what the 13 year old and sibling feels about it?

My dd wouldn't be going for another sleep over I'm afraid.

merrydebs · 13/07/2014 20:16

Very bizarre. Would consider speaking to school head teacher about your concerns.

theeternalstudent · 13/07/2014 20:17

No. That really doesn't sound good. Those are some crazy boundaries that the family has in place and really puts the DD in a very vulnerable place.

It may be worth a call to NSPCC to see what they advise.

NatashaBee · 13/07/2014 20:17

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

anonanonanonanon · 13/07/2014 20:18

Yanbu. Definitely weird. I would report to social services. And they shouldn't be contacting your dd at all. One of dds friends dad contacted her (she's 14) & I reported it to school. He was hauled over the coals by the school who viewed it very seriously.

ithoughtofitfirst · 13/07/2014 20:18

Actually I might stop this arrangement and get him checked in to a b&b from now on. Wasnt an issue before but now we have ds in the home... I dunno I guess it kind of just spilled over but it's not appropriate. Shudder.

Meid · 13/07/2014 20:18

Definitely odd in a concerning way. I would also question why they would invite another child over for a sleepover when their own daughter moves rooms in the night. And what did the messages today say?

Follow your gut feel that something is not right and avoid these people. Rather appear rude or hysterical than risk your DD's safety.

LEMmingaround · 13/07/2014 20:20

Bit weird but if they had something to hide then surely they wouldn't be so open with it? Gawd. I don't know

MexicanSpringtime · 13/07/2014 20:20

Seriously creepy! It really might be worth contacting SS about.

JustTheRightBullets · 13/07/2014 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

anonanonanonanon · 13/07/2014 20:22

I should also add that my dd is not allowed to see her friend out of school at all.

Marcipex · 13/07/2014 20:24

It's very odd. I can only , sadly, think of dodgy motives for this set up.
I can't see why the sisters can't share, or share with mum and leave the godfather on landing.
It's inappropriate and worrying. Can some one check how the 13 year old feels?

Aeroflotgirl · 13/07/2014 20:25

That is very odd, a grown man should not be sharing a room with a 13 year old child0, there are other alternatives. I would contact ss or NSPCC

iseenodust · 13/07/2014 20:28

It is odd & the casualness/apparently normalising of it would worry me even more. Not a place for sleepovers if was my DC.