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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed at 'girl' judging our family dynamics.

376 replies

madchocolatemum48 · 12/07/2014 17:52

A group of friends of a neighbour and I were chatting at a party over the weekend.
We were getting acquainted with the usual "What do you do?" "How many children?".......etc etc.
I said dh & i have been married nearly 20 years, 2 children, I'm a SAHM. Ended with saying "You know, the usual traditional family"
A young woman who had already stated she had 3 kids by 3 fathers, never married, pipes up " Fuc#ing hell, didn't know people still did that old b¤llsh!t stuff"

Is it 'old-fashioned' to be a traditional family now? Maybe she just made me feel old, but I wouldn't have made a derogatory comment about her family dynamics.

OP posts:
NewtRipley · 12/07/2014 20:21

I am in a similar family set-up to you, OP, although I am a WOHM now. But I can see that maybe she felt you were being a bit superior, even if you did not intend to.

Can you not see this?

On the one hand you say you don't judge, then you judge

NewtRipley · 12/07/2014 20:24

Ach, actually, I don't believe you. You and she seem to have shared a long of info in a getting acquainted conversation

NeedsAsockamnesty · 12/07/2014 20:25

My sister comes out with shit like 'girl' and 'traditional family' but she's a cunt

macdoodle · 12/07/2014 20:28

I am a single working parent in a responsible, professional job with 2DC. I get asked (quite a lot actually) if they have the same father (even by patients). I have never ever heard anyone ask one of my female married partners the same question. Single parents seem to be fair game, and its no surprise she was insulted and bit back.
Nothing you have said since has convinced me you are anything but the judgey smug cow you seemed in your OP.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 12/07/2014 20:31

Game
My kids have been jibed about not having laptops (when they were young).
They have been jibed by kids with neglectful (and I mean proper neglectful) parents.
How does that equate to me saying that kids with lots of electronics have neglectful parents?
You are adding up two and two and making five.

OwlCapone · 12/07/2014 20:32

OwlCapone Because I'm one of those old fashioned people who assume that, if you have children, you must be are married.

"Tongue in cheek" or not, that's bloody rude.

I cannot understand why some appear from nowhere and become opponents instead of just joining in the conversation

If that was aimed at me, I was joining in the conversation. Not sure why that means I've become an opponent. Confused

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 12/07/2014 20:34

After she's just told you about her different family life, for you to refer to yours as 'the usual traditional family' probably came across as snide and smug, and a little bit judgy. It would to me, too.

WannabeMrsJoshHomme · 12/07/2014 20:34

I once had someone ask if I was expecting to have them (my boys) (3 and 18m). Thought it was a bit of an odd question until it transpired she thought they were twins because of the double buggy.

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 12/07/2014 20:36

And someone in her 20s is not a 'girl'. I'm younger than her, and I wouldn't take kindly to you looking down on me by refusing to acknowledge that I am a woman.

Floggingmolly · 12/07/2014 20:39

No, your family situation didn't warrant her comment, but the fact that you chose to try and rub her nose in it probably did.

HavantGuard · 12/07/2014 20:39

You're just annoyed that her plasma goat ate your napkin.

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 12/07/2014 20:43

She really got your goat, didn't she?

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 12/07/2014 20:44
hashtagwhatever · 12/07/2014 20:45

Actually I am married but have still been asked a few times if my dc have the same father.

We have four and all born by the time I was 22 which obviously means I had slept about to some people.. I think people judge on a whole range of subjects.

WaitMonkey · 12/07/2014 20:46

Op was rude and judgmental. Hmm at "girl". Am honestly shocked so many people are questioned over the father of their dc. Amazing how awful some people can be.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 12/07/2014 20:47

If this was real, bloody hell that party sounds fucking excruciating.

"Hello, I'm Tony, I'm 43 and I have three cats and two sons KILL ME NOW".

FraidyCat · 12/07/2014 20:48

I would have interpreted "usual traditional family" as "I'm very boring, move along, nothing to see here." In no way an insult to anyone else.

I think mother of three was chippy because she knows many people would judge her.

When I was at school in the 1970's (though not in the UK) it was the norm for the vast majority of children to have two parents who were married to each other and had the same surname and had never previously been married to anyone else (and not had their children before they got married.) Mumsnet is like an alternative reality when it comes to this sort of thing. (Which may mostly be because the UK 40 years later is an alternative reality, however I think the Mumsnet demographic may add to the difference.)

edamsavestheday · 12/07/2014 20:59

I think the UK has changed dramatically in terms of family set-up. I remember when my parents got divorced in 1979, lots of teachers felt very sorry for me - it was a big deal, think there was only one other girl in my year with divorced parents. These days it would be unremarkable.

Very very common these days for people to have children without being married, or to get married after having children. Out of three sisters, only two of us are married and only one married before having children. My poor Catholic grandmother must be turning in her grave, poor woman.

VioletHare · 12/07/2014 21:25

I'm astounded at some of the replies on here.

I agree with the last two comments...in past years (and not really the too-distant past) it was the norm, to have a two parent family, married, all same surnames etc.

There are plenty of chips on shoulders on this thread but not the op IMO.

gordyslovesheep · 12/07/2014 21:28

really - I was born in 1970 - my mum was a lone parent as where 2 of her best mates - how far back IS this ?

Catsize · 12/07/2014 21:29

Unless OP was making the remark in a one upmanship sort of way, I don't see the problem and I think the other mother was rude.
I really don't get why 'traditional' is offensive and I come as a mother of two in a CP with a SAHM for a partner (often mistaken for my mother as she is13yrs older), who is frequently asked if the children have the same father. We often say we have a traditional set-up in a non-traditional kind of way. No doubt I have offended zillions.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 12/07/2014 21:30

I've always been curious to know what exactly is the problem with having children with different fathers?

SiennaBlake · 12/07/2014 21:35

It's means they have a filthy filthy slut for a mother and are eternally damned as a result.

Not really but that's the kind of thing I've had the misfortune to hear or read before.

AskBasil · 12/07/2014 21:36

"OwlCapone Because I'm one of those old fashioned people who assume that, if you have children, you must be are married."

Why? 1 in 4 families in the UK is headed by a lone parent. If you've got 8 parents chatting away at a barbecue, the odds are that 2 of them are going to be LP's. That's not the majority or even half, but it's also not staggeringly low odds. Where do you live, that you've managed to go through life believing that someone absolutely must be married if they've got kids? In some weird enclave where divorced or unmarried people get chased to the edge of the village with pitchforks?

gordyslovesheep · 12/07/2014 21:38

yes ...it also places NO responsibility whatsoever on the fathers of the children