AIBU to be annoyed at 'girl' judging our family dynamics.

[madchocolatemum48]

A group of friends of a neighbour and I were chatting at a party over the weekend.
We were getting acquainted with the usual "What do you do?" "How many children?".......etc etc.
I said dh & i have been married nearly 20 years, 2 children, I'm a SAHM. Ended with saying "You know, the usual traditional family"
A young woman who had already stated she had 3 kids by 3 fathers, never married, pipes up " Fuc#ing hell, didn't know people still did that old b¤llsh!t stuff"

Is it 'old-fashioned' to be a traditional family now? Maybe she just made me feel old, but I wouldn't have made a derogatory comment about her family dynamics.

perhaps, going totally against the spirit of aibu, we should agree to disagree?!

Surely there isn't a gold standard because actually humans can't be standardised.

Surely there is one goal - happy, fulfilled children and happy fulfilled parent(s).

And what makes that easier - being in a loving and supportive partnership is one thing that might.

And what makes it harder - being isolated either in or out of a non-supportive relationship being one of these things

And that's it, there are so many of us, so many different permutations, that any idea of a fixed way of doing it will fail.

Exactly Calloh.

Askbasil, when you shout about not having a chip, it sounds even more likely that the chip is not only present but growing at an alarming rate.
For what it's worth, my Mum had a massive chip. She was really fucking angry and depressed at being left alone to raise 3 kids. She definitely had a chip on both shoulders.

Wow nupties, your last post really ignorant. Its the individual, not the statistic, and your constant reference to your single parent mum does not make you the expert. Its like 'well I have a gay/Asian... connection so I can make these generalisations like I'm the expert'

I agree with numpties.

I'd say a two-parent household, with no step-families, access arrangements etc is the 'gold standard'. It IS what generally people aspire to when you imagine your future family set up and children.

No one has said that other arrangements don't work well and produce healthy, happy children. But to argue otherwise is stupid, frankly. And does come across like you have a massive chip on your shoulder.

I can see this subject touches raw nerves.
I'm not surprised.
It doesn't change my opinion that it's better for a child to be raised by two happily married parents than a single parent. Evidence backs this up. Most people aspire to this. There's nothing wrong with that.

Talking about this post numpty

'I don't have any issue with single Mums.
I was raised by one.
I have an issue with thinking it's just as good for the kids and the parents when you go it alone.
Overwhelming evidence to the contrary.'

i think you need to stop projecting your mother's chips on to every other single parent numpties.

I don't project my married mother's dysfunctional chips onto you, do I?

You really sound a bit silly tbh. I might have to go back to watching the very boring world cup final at this rate.

Wow! Yes, it was my aspiration. You're right. Now I know that life is more complex and I'm more open minded.

lol, when someone has a different opinion, refer to them as 'silly' or 'nobbish'
Whatever.

Two happily married parents or how about two happy unmarried parents or how about a happy single parent or a happy grandparent?
The aspiration is happy, not the combination.

I agree Violet.
To aruge otherwise is stupid and does make it look like chips on shoulders.

"Evidence backs this up"

No, it doesn't.

Evidence shows that the single biggest variant as to whether outcomes for children are good or bad, is income. The other variant is level of education of the main carer.

You can ignore that all you want, but that is what the overwhelming mass of data shows and to keep stating that in the face of ignorant denials of that, is not evidence of having a chip, it's just refusing to allow this assertion to keep being made without challenge.

Wtf?
Of course it's income! I didn't suggest otherwise. And 2 parent families obviously bring in more income than 1!
And there are far far more complex variables than you allude to, as if the presence of a Dad or second parent can simply be reduced down to fiscal need.
Unbelievable.

Given that she'd just told everyone her own particular circus, your comment will have extremely sounded smug and judgemental (even if that was the last thing intended).

And tbh its less and less usual.

You sound a bit obtuse, sorry.

I'm a single parent and I have more disposable income than some 2 parent incomes I know. I certainly do a lot more with my child due to the fact i am only paying for 2 and not more. So although most of the time 2 parents bring in more than one their other things in life which means that I, as a single parent. have more money.

Askbasil, I'd give it up. I really would...

Numpty, let's hope then that that you never end up in this miserable position. You of course wouldn't try to find ways to confound statistics but live to type.

"lol, when someone has a different opinion, refer to them as 'silly' or 'nobbish'"

Oh did you think I was calling you silly and nobbish because you disagree with me?

No no, let me be clear. I think you're being silly and nobbish because you keep projecting your mother's chip onto me and personally insulting me by sneering about me having a chip on my shoulder.

Your mother lost a husband she presumably loved and valued and was plunged into difficulty and grief as a result.

I dumped a burden who was sucking me and my family dry and that process enabled me to grow into a mother and woman I could never have become if I'd stayed in a dysfunctional relationship.

Do you see why one is a negative event while one is a positive one?

Op - I think you sounded very self deprecating - I could imagine saying something similar. The other woman sounded slightly rude, but I get she could have felt slightly defensive. It may be an age thing. I am 50 and anyone younger than me is a girl and it is in no way meant as an insult and had absolutely no idea until now that it could be construed that way. I also got to thinking how many friends/acquaintances I have that are not in a "traditional" set up. I have two out of approx. 36 that I can think of (there may be more). This is my normal and what I base my assumptions/wise cracks/comments on. I certainly don't go out of my way to cause offence. I just don't know anyone in real life that would possibly be offended by this comment.

level of education of main carer? that's a shame, I didn't even make it through college!

camping filth, that's great. I'm genuinely glad you're in that position, how empowering for you.
But you are in the minority.
With the exception of a few high earners, most parents are better off financially as a 2 than a 1.

And nupty its you with the chip on your shoulder, it seems. Your mother obviously found it difficult and you're using her and your experience to colour your world view. I empathise if you've ended up feeling like it has held you back.

Nupty, I take it your father died? If so of course that is a terrible thing and one would wish that this wasn't the case but like basil said its different

lol, you're damn right it coloured my perceptions! Maybe I do have a chip, most people do. Better to be honest about it.