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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my baby is too young for this?

97 replies

Alwaysrushingaround · 12/07/2014 14:24

A judge has ruled that my DS (2 years old) should go and spend weekends with his dad..
Every 3rd weekend at the moment, also one week in the summer and one long weekend in the summer. (Friday morning until Tuesday evening).
I've done the long weekend and he was so unsettled when he came home.
My EXH lives 2 and a half hours away and things are not good at all between us. He left me and I returned home to be near my family and friends and basically get my life back on track for me and DS.
I have never refused him access and I never will.
It's just that I don't see why my baby should have to travel to him when he sees him- its taking its toll on him and I don't think it's fair. He doesn't care about the effect that the journey is having on our son- he just says he's 50% mine - I'm entitled to have him.
Like our baby is a commodity not a little human being with feelings who can't express himself yet and can't fully understand what's going on.
Please help. I feel in my heart of hearts that this arrangement is wrong until my baby is older and I don't know what to do about it.

I

OP posts:
Droflove · 12/07/2014 14:28

No he's not too young. Kids are flexible when put in situations where they need to be. He will get used to the situation and its good for his relationship with his father. It's important that you support and encourage it now that it is happening so that you don't make it harder for your son inadvertently.

MoreSnowPlease · 12/07/2014 14:29

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

Alwaysrushingaround · 12/07/2014 14:33

I've tried the child psychologist approach to explain this to his dad but he refuses to listen .
I've suggested he comes here to see him but no.
I see the difference in my son when he returns and he is just not happy.
I just want the best for my son and at the moment I feel this is not it.

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 12/07/2014 14:34

Sorry another who thinks he isnt too young. Your son has two parents and deserves to build a relationship with both. Unless there is something you arent telling us.

gobbynorthernbird · 12/07/2014 14:38

You could always move the 2 1/2 hours back. Problem solved.

Smartiepants79 · 12/07/2014 14:39

Well, he's not really a baby at 2 yrs old. He's a child. (Yes I know he's your baby but I thought you were going to say he was 2months not 2years)
He's never going to be settled at his dads unless he actually spends some time there.
What would be the alternative? Can he come and stay for the weekend at your house?
The relationship with his dad is very important. He needs to spend this time with him. Unless you and his father are planning to get back together he (andy you) will need to get used to splitting his time between 2 places. I'm not sure putting it off is helpful. Of course it is unsettling for a while but if the routine remains stable it will become what is normal for him.

Droflove · 12/07/2014 14:40

OP, you need to help your son do well with the situation. He wont always be happy for whatever reason but its the same with childminders/school/playing sports etc. its for their own good. As is spending proper quality time with his dad. It's quite possible that while he is with his dad he is perfectly happy and plays away and its just the hours around changeover that unsettle him. so why dont you focus on improving that for him rather than trying to force his dad to give up the very precious little time he is being given with his son. Are you sure you are not influencing him negatively with your own attitude?

Finola1step · 12/07/2014 14:44

I can understand your concerns. Wanting the best for your ds is not a bad thing.

But, this had been court ordered. You and your ex have to work together to make this work for your ds. He is not a baby and has a right to contact with his father. Overnight/ weekend stays are not unusual at this stage as long as the non resident parent has got the living arrangements that would allow overnight access.

You chose to move away (albeit for good reason). The travelling will have to be worked out. Your ds will be unsettled upon return but you will find strategies for helping him resettle a bit quicker each time. There is no point in thinking that he shouldn't have to resettle, you have to make the best of the situation in which you find yourself.

Oriunda · 12/07/2014 15:01

My DS is unsettled each time we come back from visiting family in Italy (and we go a lot). Tired, grouchy etc due to his routine and sleep going out of the window. He has a great time when he is there though and just because it takes time to settle him back doesn't mean we shouldn't go. He is 2. The younger they are, the easier it is to adapt.

Birdsgottafly · 12/07/2014 15:06

How would you feel if he was awarded residency and you were the one fighting for overnights, after he moved away with your child?

He needs to build up a secure attachment, now.

Not having this attachment to both Patents (who want it) is detrimental to your Sons long term Mental Heslth, that's why the judge has awarded this.

Birdsgottafly · 12/07/2014 15:08

Just to add, he wil eventually be given shared care, if that's what he wants, so it's best if you start to accept the importance if your Sons Father, to him and his life.

MrsCakesPremonition · 12/07/2014 15:14

Will your DS have his own space and bed at his dad's house? Somewhere he can keep some cloths, toys and books and choose the duvet cover? Somewhere that is going to become familiar to him?

WorraLiberty · 12/07/2014 15:15

Does he have to travel by public transport?

My DS used to spend weekends with his Dad at that age

It did slightly unsettle him, but then again so do lots of things.

He will eventually become settled but only if you allow him to get used to it.

I'm sure if you were in your ex's position, you would want your DS overnight too.

WelshMaenad · 12/07/2014 15:17

YABU. Your son is entitled to time to build a relationship with his father. At 2 he is not a baby he is a child and these weekends are important.

What precisely are you proposing your ex do, stay in a hotel every weekend? Not only is that unreasonable from a financial perspective, it won't be a relaxed honey environment for your son to bond with his dad. YOU moved. Suck it up.

Your child is 50% his. He is.

SuperLoveFuzz · 12/07/2014 15:22

Totally agree with Birdsgottafly. Try to put yourself in his position. Like others have also said, you moved away and essentially created this situation.

I do sympathise and totally understand why you moved, that has consequences though and now you need to deal with them!

LongTimeLurking · 12/07/2014 15:22

Sorry but YABU for all the reasons already outlined.

VioletHare · 12/07/2014 15:24

Yabu. If you didn't want your son to travel you shouldn't have moved 2 and a half hours away.

Artandco · 12/07/2014 15:25

I think that's fair and actually very little time. Every other weekend would allow him to be mte settled as bit such a long gap

Sorry but 2 is a child not a baby. 2 month old I would agree but a 2 year old should have time with both parents even if you don't like the father

Personally for your child's sake I would be looking for a long weekend every other week if possible.

Is there anyway you can discuss with father on civilised terms how to make it easier? Can you move 30 mins closer your end and he moves 30 mins closer his end? Will reduce travel time a fair bit for your son.

scottishmummy · 12/07/2014 15:26

Youve had a fractious breakup,that clouds your judgement.son needs to see both of you
Its a fair access arrangement and your son needs to maintain contact with dad
I do understand why youre upset,but you need to put a good face on it.fir your son

Lauren83 · 12/07/2014 15:27

Yabu in my opinion, your ex is entitled to have access where he wants and better to have your son feeling like he has 2 homes rather then to suddenly when he is older to go his dads for the first time and it to feel alien, my DSD is 2.5 and my DP drives 3 hours to collect her for 2-3 days at a time at ours, she has settled in, she has a lovely bedroom here, its important she knows this is her home too

perfectstorm · 12/07/2014 15:37

The thing is, on the one hand you are calling your child "my baby" and on the other, you're indignant that your ex is calling him half his baby. Only one of you is acknowledging the other parent, and that one isn't you.

The reality is that this is court ordered contact, and if you flout it without good reason, you could end up losing primary residence. Birdsgottafly is wrong in saying any non-resident parent who wants equally shared care will get it, as usually that's awarded where parents co-operate well, and it isn't always going to be in a child's interests. It simply is not the law as it currently stands. But I do think you need to start thinking that the judge and CAFCASS officer here weren't working together to harm your child - they were trying their best to do what was best for him. And right now, that means 2 weekends a fortnight with his father, so he can build a strong relationship and move forward with the security that brings.

Your instinct to protect and nurture your child is human and laudable, and you'd be a worse mother if you didn't feel it. But forgive me... you do need to separate out your anger with your ex from your child's right to a relationship with him. You condemned your child to a travel time when you moved away, and to say you think he should also be deprived of truly high quality time with his father on top... it isn't fair on him IMO. You are with your child almost all the time. Please don't begrudge him the time he needs to form a strong bond with his dad. He left you and that will hurt like hell, but the reality is that he didn't leave his child, and he has proven that by pursuing this through the courts at what I can only imagine is considerable financial and emotional cost. You chose to remove your son from his father's local area, and while you had good reasons, it is pretty cheeky to try to rely on your own choice to separate them geographically when arguing you should also separate them further emotionally. Surely you see that? If the journey isn't fair on your child... why did you create it for him? And if the benefits of the move outweigh that price for him, then I'm afraid that is the price he, and your ex, are going to have to pay. If the travel is indeed unfair on him, then you shouldn't have required it. Please drop that argument because as I just tried to show - it makes you, and not the ex, look bad.

Your child will look to you for his own reaction. If you work on being positive and focus on the huge emotional benefits of a good parent/child bond, then he will settle better into these changes. And all kids with a change of scene play up a little and feel tired. Forgive me, but the temptation for all split couples is to interpret normal childrens' responses to things as meaning a contact arrangement is either bad for them, or unwelcome.

In short, please stop kicking against the status quo, because at this point it's a fait accompli and you have to accept that's what it is. Instead, try to focus on the undeniable benefits, and work with it. I appreciate it isn't what you think is the best for your child but you must see it also holds advantages your preference doesn't, too? So please try to make it work, and avoid your child being ground between two warring parents. That will harm him more than anything else could.

perfectstorm · 12/07/2014 15:38

Sorry, two weekends in six (baby not sleeping and consequent brain vacancy).

redballoons · 12/07/2014 15:39

Is is the distance that's bothering you the most? I guess there's not much that can be done about that (Sorry, unhelpful, I know, but guess that is the trade off for moving away/nearer to support of family and friends).

However, I personally believe that a week away from a primary carer (mum or dad) is too long for a two year old, especially if the NRP was not an involved carer to the child before separation. I think there is some research (although probably controversial) to support this. Was your ex partner involved in child care before he left?

In response, to the posters who are saying 'children are flexible, etc', we can't know this, how can we measure it? What I do agree with though is that if your attitude about the visits is positive, then it's likely your son will follow your lead in this.

Best wishes OP, I hope it turns out ok for you all.

Hurr1cane · 12/07/2014 15:39

Not too young. DS went to his dads overnight from 6 months old. It's just his routine now.

DoJo · 12/07/2014 15:41

Most children are unsettled and fractious during their settling in period at nursery/after spending a night with grandparents/when doing anything new - the answer isn't to stop doing things, but to be aware and try to make it as easy as possible. I don't think your ex is treating your child like a possession - he is probably desperate to see him and by preventing him, you are doing your son a disservice.