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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my baby is too young for this?

97 replies

Alwaysrushingaround · 12/07/2014 14:24

A judge has ruled that my DS (2 years old) should go and spend weekends with his dad..
Every 3rd weekend at the moment, also one week in the summer and one long weekend in the summer. (Friday morning until Tuesday evening).
I've done the long weekend and he was so unsettled when he came home.
My EXH lives 2 and a half hours away and things are not good at all between us. He left me and I returned home to be near my family and friends and basically get my life back on track for me and DS.
I have never refused him access and I never will.
It's just that I don't see why my baby should have to travel to him when he sees him- its taking its toll on him and I don't think it's fair. He doesn't care about the effect that the journey is having on our son- he just says he's 50% mine - I'm entitled to have him.
Like our baby is a commodity not a little human being with feelings who can't express himself yet and can't fully understand what's going on.
Please help. I feel in my heart of hearts that this arrangement is wrong until my baby is older and I don't know what to do about it.

I

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 12/07/2014 15:42

I do agree a week is too long if it's this summer it starts as opposed to next - but again, if this was court ordered then it is what it is, and resenting it and being negative about it will make it a lot more traumatic for the child, as redballoons says. Trying to be uniformly positive is the single best thing you can do as a mum to ease the stress on your child.

littlejohnnydory · 12/07/2014 15:45

I have a 2 year old andf I don't think it would be good for her to be away from me for a week. I don't think YABU. A weekend though - yes, it's hard when he doesn't know his dad that well and I wouldn't be happy to leave mine with a Grandparent etc for a weekend so can sympathise hugely - think all you can do about that is try very hard to build his relationship with his dad - have a photo he can say goodnight to, phone calls, etc - appreciate that might be hard for you but definitely keep that connection going as it's in your son's interests.

I think little and often is best at that age. Do you think ex would be happy to break the week up into two more long weekends? Or can you frame it to him as building up their relationship positively so that little one feels positivbe and happy about the visits and doesn't have a bad experience?

littlejohnnydory · 12/07/2014 15:48

I generally disagree with the consensus that forcing separation onto children helps them to get used to it - I believe that children who are allowed to separate in their own time grow up to be more secure, knowing you are there when they need you. However, this isn't always possible and most children will cope with a separation before they are ready without any lasting effects, if their overall experience is secure and consistent.

LongTimeLurking · 12/07/2014 15:51

littlejohnnydory
How do you ever expect the child to get to know the father if they aren't allowed to spend any significant amount of time together?

Also, Friday morning till Tuesday evening isn't a week and 'little and often' doesn't seem very practical given OP has moved 2.5 hours away?

AgaPanthers · 12/07/2014 15:58

YABU.

You chose to move away from the father of your child, and the amount of time, and only one weekend in three is pretty minimal, considering that many children do this EVERY WEEKEND.

queenofthemountain · 12/07/2014 16:02

The situation is largely of your own making, because you have taken him so far from his father.

VioletHare · 12/07/2014 16:06

Also, a judge ruling?

That suggests to me that there has been some resistance on your part otherwise a judge ordering contact is unnecessary.

In which case you are being massively ur.

SureFootedWhispher · 12/07/2014 16:13

You moved your child away from someone who should be a major part of the childs life, equal to you, so you could be close to your family and friends. Your child needs his family.

JabberJabberJay · 12/07/2014 16:14

I agree with everything perfect storm said.

Since the contact is court ordered you really have no choice but to agree. Your DS will take his cue from you on this and if you are positive about him building a relationship with his Dad then that will help enormously.

When I split from my ex last year I took the kids and moved back to my hometown 2 hours away where I has lots of family support. My ex agreed with my decision on the proviso that he still saw the kids as often as was logistically possible. He has them at least 2 weekends a month and for a week in the summer and at Christmas.

My DC were 1 and 3 when we split and I had never spent a night away from them. I thought I'd never get used to it but I have and they both have a good relationship with their dad.

So while I have sympathy for you OP I don't think your 2 year old is too young.

londonrach · 12/07/2014 16:17

Yabu. A child needs his dad as much as his mum. He's 2 not 2 weeks. You moved the distance away. I understand it's closer to your family but your child also has another family he needs to build up a relationship with. It's a court ruling.

ThingyTheBusCleaner · 12/07/2014 16:22

YANBU

I can see why you don't want to have to do this, but really at 2 he is not too small, and I think you'll have to get to the Point where you're ok with it - it will happen whether you like it or not if it's court ordered so you may as well get on board.

Does your DS have somewhere suitable to sleep at your ex's? Do you trust him with your DS?

scottishmummy · 12/07/2014 16:32

Of course it's unreasonable she doesn't want child to see father.she feels entitled
If there were risk,inappropriate domestic environment im sure she'd have raised it
Op now has to put good face on it,not let her antipathy to ex disrupt father/son visits

ThingyTheBusCleaner · 12/07/2014 16:33

There might be perfectly good reasons why she would rather her DS didn't stay over with his dad.

Which is why I'm wondering if she trusts him with her DS and if not, why not.

scottishmummy · 12/07/2014 16:37

Any Risk or reasons as you put it could and would have been explored at hearings
Given judge has ruled for shared access,there are not felt to be significant risk
At heart of it is a fractious break up.that doesn't necessarily render her ex a bad dad

ICanSeeTheSun · 12/07/2014 16:44

How would you feel if the situation was reversed and it was you who was fighting to see your own child.

The courts have ordered this, so I suspect that this is in the child's best interests

NeedsAsockamnesty · 12/07/2014 16:46

I'm always quite interested on threads like this when people come out with shared care is inevitable/the norm/will happen type stuff because my understanding on it is that shared care (in the context that most people mean it 50/50 or near enough) orders still only apply to a very small % of court orders.

I've asked a few times if anybody has any recent info on this huge increase (as I've been on ML) and nobody has,anybody here got any I would be very interested to take a look.

ThingyTheBusCleaner · 12/07/2014 16:46

doesn't necessarily render him a good one either

ThingyTheBusCleaner · 12/07/2014 16:48

We're not in the UK and over here shared care will never be ordered if one parent doesn't want it (thank God)

NeedsAsockamnesty · 12/07/2014 16:49

Not withstanding that I think the op IBU he's 2 and unless there are actual risks you neglected to mention then you need to be supporting DS to cope with the changes in order to support and maintain his rights

scottishmummy · 12/07/2014 16:53

Well you've clearly got an agenda about shared care buscleaner.you're not impartial
Op is unreasonable,and despite her reluctance she'll have to comply with order
Op would be best to mask her reluctance and be cordial about shared care

ThingyTheBusCleaner · 12/07/2014 16:57

This isn't anything like shared care - he's only having the child one Weekend in 3.

My advice to the OP would be (and was ) the same as yours sm, I just don't think shared care or EOW is always appropriate with Young children.

Queazy · 12/07/2014 17:03

I agree with others that it will take time for your lo to settle. I'm bit baffled that so many people felt the need to correct you that a 2yr old is a child not a baby?!?! Barely. His mum is genuinely worried about this welfare, and he's tiny. I wonder if you could ask your exh to work with you to make his environment there really homely with some stuff from his bedroom etc. it's really sad to see lo's unsettled, but he will be ok in time.

Queazy · 12/07/2014 17:04

p.s. I wonder if the fact it's only every 3 weeks is a bit of a problem actually. My bro had his lo every other weekend fri to sun night and she got into the pattern quite quickly. Btw that was from 6mo Hmm

ThingyTheBusCleaner · 12/07/2014 17:08

Or is it every 3 weeks because the dad can't actually be arsed with EOW?

scottishmummy · 12/07/2014 17:13

We'll never know,as op unlikely to give an unbiased opinion