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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my baby is too young for this?

97 replies

Alwaysrushingaround · 12/07/2014 14:24

A judge has ruled that my DS (2 years old) should go and spend weekends with his dad..
Every 3rd weekend at the moment, also one week in the summer and one long weekend in the summer. (Friday morning until Tuesday evening).
I've done the long weekend and he was so unsettled when he came home.
My EXH lives 2 and a half hours away and things are not good at all between us. He left me and I returned home to be near my family and friends and basically get my life back on track for me and DS.
I have never refused him access and I never will.
It's just that I don't see why my baby should have to travel to him when he sees him- its taking its toll on him and I don't think it's fair. He doesn't care about the effect that the journey is having on our son- he just says he's 50% mine - I'm entitled to have him.
Like our baby is a commodity not a little human being with feelings who can't express himself yet and can't fully understand what's going on.
Please help. I feel in my heart of hearts that this arrangement is wrong until my baby is older and I don't know what to do about it.

I

OP posts:
littlejohnnydory · 12/07/2014 17:17

longtimelurking, 2 1/2 hours away isn't actually that far. It's about the distance my grandparents lived when I was growing up and we did day trips to visit them at the weekends frequently.

I don't expect the child to get to know the father if they don't spend time toegther, which is why I'd suggest that more frequent daytime visits and single night stays would be a better idea than three weeks passing in between longer visits, at this age.

SandyChick · 12/07/2014 17:30

Sorry I haven't read every reply.

I would say that no he isn't too young BUT how is his relationship with his father? If they are close and the father is a good father then I can't see the problem. It will take a while to get settled into a routine but it's his dad and he needs to be with him and much as you.

I wouldn't be happy if his dad didn't have a good relationship and my 2 year old was 2.5 hours away from me. I would be happier if the relationship could be developed closer to home then let him go for longer stays with his dad once he is comfortable with him and I was confident that his needs were being met.

itsbetterthanabox · 12/07/2014 18:08

I think this isn't great. At that age I don't think it's fair to be away from your main care giver for such a long time at once. You just feel abounded.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 12/07/2014 18:13

Yanbu

I'd be challenging this. Access? Fine. But to dump child in unknown location is wrong. Just wrong.

I'm sorry op x

fluffydoge · 12/07/2014 18:19

Minnie it's hardly "dumping a child in an unknown location". The child would be staying with his dad presumably in the same area as OP and their DS lived previously. Stop being so dramatic.

And OP, it was your choice to move 2.5 hours away. Many children have to do the same trip every weekend to see their other parent. And 2 isn't too young either. YABVU about this.

scottishmummy · 12/07/2014 18:24

Hell,youre right minnie.the child is being compelled to stay with its dad
Dumped,yes youre right,probably going to be left in a trailer park with staffie for company
Why don't you pm the op telling her you'll support any appeal over this travesty

Sparklypants · 12/07/2014 18:36

It's court ordered so it is what it is unfortunately. My DS is nearly 3 and he would struggle being away from me for a week (I would struggle too), but I do think your DS will get used to it. It will become normal to him and to you hopefully.

Good luck

Queazy · 12/07/2014 19:22

I agree with littlejohnnydory - single nights and day visits would make sense at first, moving to two nights when they feel ready. It's not about who feels wronged and if op is biased or not, it's fitting it to the needs of this particular child. Even if the court did rule every 3weeks for a weekend, the exh might consider every 2 weeks for 1 might...more frequent, good daddy time but also getting used to being away bit more gently. You wouldn't be taking any time away really - it's the difference of 1 night less over a six week period, but not for the long-term.

Delphiniumsblue · 12/07/2014 19:30

Whether you like it or not your job is to make it work for your DC.
Either that or fight it - which can't be good either.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 12/07/2014 19:43

Yanbu.

I also have a 2yo - I do think it is still v young. Mine hasn't spent more than 10 hours away from me before and I don't think that's so unusual. I see the difference it makes to him if he does 9-10 hours at nursery rather than the usual 7-8 (and he is happy and settled at nursery with a good relationship with his key worker and other staff) - I think more than one night at a time is massive. I completely understand your concerns.

All that said, I think you're in a v difficult situation and for the time being at least, the best you (and your son's father) can do to help your son is to support the current arrangement as best as you can.

That kind of intense 48-hr contact with a three week break in between (is there any contact at all between those weekends?) doesn't sound at all ideal for the child. I would hope and expect that your XP is visiting in between - this would make the 2.5 hours your son spends travelling each way on the third weekend seem far more reasonable IMO.

I'm sorry for you, though - all the options look to have downsides at this point. Even the families I know who parent brilliantly beyond a break-up, I wouldn't trade places with and I know the parents feel sad about it, too.

wheresthelight · 12/07/2014 21:21

Yabvu.

YOU moved the 2.5 hours away from his dad so you need to suck it up

Whether you agree or not you have to comply with the court order or risk losing custody completely. You can appeal if you have evidence - Dr reports, psych evaluations of your son etc to prove it's harmful

Change takes time for kids to get used to. Ds needs your support and your guidance to adjust to situation orhe will never settle at his ddad's

ikeaismylocal · 12/07/2014 21:30

Yabvu, if you are that worried about your ds not being shipped around you could always let him live with his father and you could have your ds every 3rd weekend.

You moved away, you took your child away from his father so you could start a new life, that in itself if very selfish and unreasonable.

A 2 year old is not a baby.

There is no reason why your relationship with your son should take priority over your ex's relationship with your son.

ThingyTheBusCleaner · 12/07/2014 21:33

you took your child away from his father so you could start a new life, that in itself if very selfish and unreasonable

and the silliest post of the day Award goes to....

ikeaismylocal · 12/07/2014 21:39

Why is that silly? I live in my dp's home country, I wouldn't choose to live here if it wasn't for dp. Before we had children we had a very open conversation aboutwhat would happen if we split up, we agreed to stay living close to each other as I don't believe it is a parent's right to take a child away from the other parent.

The op has put her child in this situation and now she is trying to blame the child's father, if op had prioritised her child's ongoing relationship with his father rather than starting a new life non of them would be in this situation.

MargotThreadbetter · 12/07/2014 21:39

Crikey. Maybe you shouldn't have posted in AIBU!
OP, I don't think YABU at all.
It's a very difficult situation, but try to look at the positives...
Your DS will build a relationship with his dad, you will get a break and things will get easier eventually.

I'm in a similar situation OP, my DS (a little younger than yours) is going abroad to stay with his dad for a week soon, and I'm worried as he's had a lot of change recently and he's become quite clingy for the first time.
I've raised him alone since he was born, but I have to trust my ex to do the right thing (which I know he will) it's just tough that I won't be there if he gets distressed!
Some may criticise that but it's how I feel.
I'm sure it will get easier as he gets older!

Good luck OP, PM me if you like x

MargotThreadbetter · 12/07/2014 21:41

Ikea - I moved away too. Various reasons and all valid. And ex was in agreement.
Please don't judge others decisions when you haven't got a bloody clue what led them there.

gobbynorthernbird · 12/07/2014 21:42

Obviously when parents split, one should have everything as easy as possible, while the other jumps through hoops for any contact whatsoever with their child. Ex moves half way across the country? Just suck it up.

MargotThreadbetter · 12/07/2014 21:44

Yes Gobby single parents really have it 'as easy as possible' Hmm

ThingyTheBusCleaner · 12/07/2014 21:48

Ikea you are making one hell of a presumption there. Who's to say the OP hasn't tried to make it work in her Exh's home town? Who's to say he hasn't spent every waking Minute making her life a misery, thus giving her Little choice except to go back to somewhere she has help and Support?

Maybe the ExH himself hasn't "prioritised his relationship with his child" as you put it.

Yep, I might be making presumptions but no more so than you.

Gobby your post is simply insulting.

wheresthelight · 12/07/2014 21:49

IKEA is right. As much as I loathe ot we bought a house in the same town as dp's ex so that we could be near his kids. We could have moved away as job prospects are shite here but the kids are more important. I have a 10 month old and no friends in this area but it is what is best for his older kids. The OP moved for her own selfish reasons - that is neither a criticism nor a trolling remark it is the facts of her own posts therefore she made the issue she is now bitching about wrt to the distance her precious "baby" has to travel. Her doing not his father's therefore imo she has no right to whinge

ikeaismylocal · 12/07/2014 21:49

By all means move away, but don't take the child, leave the child in the place they originally were with the parent who is there and then the moving parent should deal with the issue of actually seeing the child.

The most important thing in a child's life is a loving bond with their parents, maintaining that should be every parent's priority.

ikeaismylocal · 12/07/2014 21:53

Maybe the ExH himself hasn't "prioritised his relationship with his child" as you put it.

The fact that he has fought for contact every weekend would indicate to me that he's pretty serious about maintaining a bond with his child. Looking after a toddler every weekend isn't something people do unless they really really want to be involved with that child's life.

ThingyTheBusCleaner · 12/07/2014 21:53

Even if the parent is abusive Ikea?

Or if the parent has no interest in the child and asks for contact just to cause ructions?

Or if the parent has no parenting skills whatsoever and is likely to place the child in dangerous (or even less than ideal) situations?

Or has a casual attitude to child health and won't take the child to the doctors?

Or has a Problem with alcohol, or drugs?

Grow up

ThingyTheBusCleaner · 12/07/2014 21:54

Ikea your naivety is charming...

ICanSeeTheSun · 12/07/2014 21:55

A single parent who is the main carer should move to where they are going to get the most help and support.

I have DH and it's hard work with the children I couldn't imagine doing it on my own. If op moved to be closer to friends/family for help and support why is that wrong.