To think my baby is too young for this?

[Alwaysrushingaround]

A judge has ruled that my DS (2 years old) should go and spend weekends with his dad..
Every 3rd weekend at the moment, also one week in the summer and one long weekend in the summer. (Friday morning until Tuesday evening).
I've done the long weekend and he was so unsettled when he came home.
My EXH lives 2 and a half hours away and things are not good at all between us. He left me and I returned home to be near my family and friends and basically get my life back on track for me and DS.
I have never refused him access and I never will.
It's just that I don't see why my baby should have to travel to him when he sees him- its taking its toll on him and I don't think it's fair. He doesn't care about the effect that the journey is having on our son- he just says he's 50% mine - I'm entitled to have him.
Like our baby is a commodity not a little human being with feelings who can't express himself yet and can't fully understand what's going on.
Please help. I feel in my heart of hearts that this arrangement is wrong until my baby is older and I don't know what to do about it.

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Even if the parent is abusive Ikea?

Ofcourse not, I would expect an abusive parent wouldn't be given weekly unsupervised contact and if op's ex was abusive the least of her worries would be her baby traveling for 2.5 hours.

But what if the father wasn't that interested in keeping the child Ikea? What if he had other priorities (OW) as mine did?
You are making a lot of assumptions.
My DS has a relationship with his father, but it also suited my ex for us to move away at the time. He's changed his tune now, hence regular contact.

He doesn't have every Weekend. He has every 3rd Weekend.

About 30 days a year. Yeah he sounds really involved...

Ican but would you then try and prevent contact because your decision meant that your son had to travel and be 2.5 hours away from you in order to see his dad?

thingy you say he isn't involved... But this is court ordered - how do you know he didn't want more?
Sounds like it's the OP who moved away.

Which could all be for a good reason.

I would have HATED a week away from my 2yo, and I regularly did 3 night due to work. That was about me though. She'd have been OK, I think, if with a loving other parent.

Thanks for all your replies..
I didn't include all details in case I was recognised.
My EXH left me when DS was 6 months. I was struggling with severe pnd. He wasn't a hands on father when DS was born, basically telling me "you're on maternity leave you're paid to mind him" and that his weekends weren't going to change just because we had a baby. He was never around during the day because he was starting up a business and in the evenings was too tired. I did all the night shifts, and at weekends was totally in my own as he went out and stayed out until 4 or later in the morning.
I moved home because I has no support at all where we were living. We were very near his family But his parents are separated and I see how little involvement his dad has in his family and how that is accepted. HisDad had affairs and has basically left the mother to get in with it whenever times got tough.
I suppose I see that he also has this learned behaviour in his own attitude to parenting and it worries me as to how he will be with his own son.
When I moved back home I told him and he was like "do what you want I don't love you anymore".
He didn't even say goodbye to our baby.
He came down to see him and I told him I would never stop him seeing his son.
He sent me a court summons a week later for access and also looking for half of everything I have which is some savings but nothing else. No joint mortgage thankfully or shared assets as he had nothing.
He hasn't been raised with good family values and he basically threatened me with taking our son because he knows what buttons to press. I was so anxious all the time with the pnd, and he knew I believed our son was too young.
I offered for him to stay in my house and see DS overnight and I even left them there overnight and stayed at my parents. This was working well until he went through my stuff and threw out some personal items..
I have explored every avenue including mediation but he just refused to meet me half way.
So it ended up in court with a judge who saw a man in a suit running his own business and he put on a great act and made me out to be an over protective freak.
He turned around to me the next day when I said that to him and said " the judge didn't ask if my business was successful, did she?"he only gives me €35 euros a week maintenance and I know he can afford more.
I'm rambling so I'll stop.
Hope this clears up the issues that people were wondering about and genuinely thanks for the replies. I know our baby needs his father, I have never disputed that but I just want the access to be done in a way that is fair to our son.
Ps I am in Ireland so don't know if that makes a difference to our rights.

ok so the additional info changes things - you should have made these details clearer in your first post OP

It sounds like he is using custody to punish you, but as i said originally there is nothing you can do until you can get a court date to appeal. You need to comply with the court order or you will be the one is trouble.

As awful as it sounds you may need to give him enough rope to hang himself with.

I would never stop DC seeing thier father. If we split and I moved away to be closer to family and friends he is more than welcome to move also.

Why can't the father move.

I think it illogical to stay in a place with no help and support for the sake of 1 weekend a month.

Sorry but he's not too young. Dd was 5 months and ds 3yo when they started staying at their dads eow. Yes for the first little while they were unsettled but they soon got used to it. Dd is nearly two and still acts up a bit when she arrives back but give it a few hours and she's right as rain. Oh and she goes to grannys most weekends she's away so a three hour drive. Best thing is to think about times and try to fit the drive in when he would usually have a nap.

I fully understand it's a massive wrench for you (I know exactly how I felt) but you will also get used to it and maybe even possibly look forward to having a bit of time to yourself and recharging the batteries. Does he speak to him on the phone/Skype in between time? It's unfortunate the history you have but really you need to draw a line in the sand and leave it in the past now if the court has ordered it.

Ican prehaps his job prospects and therefore means of providing for child mean that moving is not an option.

and maybe contact would be more if not for the 2.5hr distance

How about the RP job prospect.

A single parent with no support network around him/her often finds working harder. There is no one to have as a back up.

If DC are ill in school I live 5 minutes from my mum, and my mum is able to get them from school or walk around and have the DC if I am ill to get some rest.

This week I have had an operation, my family have taken the DC to school, prepared lunch for me sorted out my housework ect.

DH couldn't get the time off work.

but as i asked before would you then be bitching about the 2.5hr distance when dc is with nrp?

OP I think (aside from Appeal which I'm not sure on the face of it would be succesful) your only Option really now is to comply with the court order and hope that your ExH soon gets sick of having to look after his child for 3 days single handedly and buggers off.

I know EXACTLY how you feel (believe me) but I think fundamentally your DS will be ok. Yes, things will be different for him at his dad's and it's not ideal but he will be fine.

As another poster said - give your ex enough rope to hang himself with, and you never know he might (outside Chance) just pull his finger out.

I feel for you. I'm looking at the exact same Situation.

Bitching and worrying is 2 diffrent things.

I think the op wanted reassurance.

I did. Maybe I posted in the wrong thread!

I fully sympathise op. He was no help at all with your son when he lived with you and then he buggered off and wants the fun part with none of the daily slog. No wonder you moved to be nearer family for support. He sure wasn't providing any. I feel for you and your son that being away from you, his primary carer is unsettling him. I really hope your son gets used to it soon so he can develop a relationship with Disney dad.

I've not read all of this, but my son suffers anytime we go away fro home. Sometimes I refer to it as the grandparent hangover, where he's had undivided attention for a whole weekend and then can't play on his own. Other times it's just he confusion of being somewhere else and the long journey (both sets of gp live 2 hrs away.. In different directions obv!).

So whilst it's upsetting for you it might just be normal 2 yr old reaction. (Mine is 2.7). -writing this after 2 nights with my folks and expecting a funny day.

That said I totally feel for you. How shitty.

Kxx

I find it hard 'sharing my baby' with my hd who I love very dearly and lives with us. 'Sharing' with someone I was less keen on would be grim.

Some more kisses, xxx

You moved from an area where you had no support, to one where you had at least some, which is what a responsible person should do.

Your ExH seems to not give an actual stuff about 'his' DS and never has, he certainly doesn't pay much in CS.

The only person with rights here is your DS, everyone else has responsibilities.

I'd just go along with the court order, maybe try and make it seem like an adventure for DS? I'm pretty sure your ExH will find someone else to treat like a servant and then your DS will be dropped like a stone.

If he's doing it to punish you, all the more reason to be as positive as possible to DS about it and to smile to the ex and talk about how the break/social life opportunities are so welcome. Maybe even suggest he has proven his commitment through pursuing this so much, make out it's a welcome break. As we all know, childcare for a toddler is bloody hard work, and less than committed NRP drift away in disturbingly large numbers even without a 5 hour round trip for all contact arrangements. If he's seeking to punish you, and it instead starts to feel like punishment for him, he'll start to miss weekends and they will probably eventually stop altogether. And if he sticks to it, and builds a bond with DS, then your baby can only benefit from that - some people who are atrocious partners can be surprisingly good parents.

It is really hard, but again, it is what it is. And there is still the fact that kids tend to do better with NRP taking the time to see them and build a bond, unless the NRP is actually abusive. It is hard, but unfortunately I think faking positivity is the best for DS and yourself.

Is there a means of getting more child support in Ireland, or is he giving the legal minimum already?

Oh sweetheart, your little one will be fine.

It's not ideal at his age, but it won't be harmful either.

DS will probably display a day or two of re-adjustment behaviour after each visit, which is hard for you. But if you can be patient each time whilst DS re-adjusts (to his home, his bed, his routines), then he'll do just fine.

Either your selfish Ex will soon tire of doing the travel and childcare and drift away, as perfectstorm suggests.

Less likely, this could be the making of EX - he steps up, learns to care for his son, and becomes a real part-time dad to DS. It sometimes happens I wouldn't hold my breath.

Does EXH have a mum, or gf, who will look after DS for him? Brace yourself in case he's that kind of hypocrite. Whilst it's frustrating, remember that if it's the same consistent person each visit, then DS will be fine, even at age 2.

Disagreeing with many posters above - I wouldn't big up the visits to DS. He might feel like you're sending him away. I'd take a matter-of-fact, teacher-like approach.

Don't tell DS it will be great, don't tell him it will be awful - it just is. Leave space for him to have his own reactions. With luck, he'll soon just accept these visits as a fact of life.

Finally, plan fun things for yourself. Go out, to the pub, or movies, see friends. Tackle chores you usually can't get done with DS around. The time will go much faster - and realistically, take advantage whilst you can, as odds are EXH will soon lose interest.

Good luck!